What will you do if you become the person you never wanted to be???

I didnt want you..
I wanted those dreams you made me see....

I am trying to hold back my feelings
Because I don't wanna fall in love again
I have known love is no good for me
It will only wreck what is left

I remember the weather that day
The rain had stopped but it was still gloomy
The sky was trying to make its way out of the angry clouds
But the clouds were stubborn as ever
What a perfect weather for coffee and cigarette
He had said Come over, I ll make you a good one...

We sat in the kitchen
Sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes
Laughing about stupid stuffs
Then he pulled me closer
Smelled my hair and pulled my cheeks
And asked if I liked the coffee
I just nodded and smirked
He could notice the blush in my face

Soon we were in his bedroom
Listening to my favorite playlist
He pulled the blanket and asked me if I m cold
I said nothing , just smiled
I was astonished how he could easily do that
I could feel that weird magnetism between us
Pulling us closer and closer
I wasnt sure about what was about to happen
Neither I was sure if I wanted anything to happen
All I knew was, it felt good
Good to be surrounded by the abundance of love

He looked into my eyes..
He could see that agreeable denial.
Then he smiled and kissed my forhead..
I said I was tired and wanted to sleep
He said nothing, just wrapped his arms around me and said its okay
When I woke up he was still staring at me
That deep brown eyes, looked like a honey pool
He leaned closer and kissed my lips
Then our tongues did the sweet wrestling
His hands did the flow
Unhooked my bra and caressed my body..

It didn't matter if we were right or wrong
All that mattered was that moment
The moment when our loneliness faded
Then my phone buzzed and a text popped
"I miss you love" it said...
Then, I pushed him away
Telling you ll fall in love
But then he kissed my lips and said no I wont..
But deep down I knew the truth
He wouldn't fall in love because he already was..

I am such a good actor
I can hide my feelings so well
I can make people around me believe
Believe that I am okay
That he doesn't matter to me anymore
That I dont miss him a bit
That I have moved on
That I dont care
While  the truth is something else
My eyes are wet right now while I m writing this poem
I miss him, god so much that I cant tell
Sure, I m seeing other guys
Flirting smoothly, making them fall for me..
Telling my friends I have too many options to choose
But deep deep down, something is still alive
Those feelings, they just wont go away
No matter how hard I try to ignore them
Lie to myself , that its over
I know that I ll never be over him

So I decided to walk away today..
I decided to choose myself.
One of us had to..
I decided to respect myself..
I decided to pick up my broken pieces
And walk myself out with dignity..

It was fun while it lasted..
Maybe I over romanticized it a little
Maybe I exaggerated a little..
Maybe I got attached a little..
Maybe I was in my head a little..
But its okay...

God knows I was real
He knows my feelings were real
So maybe when we meet again somewhere at some point of life
I wont be the same, I wont be complete..
You 'll still have a broken piece of me....

Please, let me go now..
I have had enough
The damage is done...
After all that you have said and done..
How can you expect that I will be the same?
How can you expect that I will love you the same?
Yes , I forgave you..
But that was not for you..
I forgave you for myself..
I am done putting you on a pedestal
I am done giving you the power to hurt me again and again...
So now, just let me go....
Stop calling me
Don't text me
Stop trying to act like a nice person
You are a liar and a cheater
You are really a bad person
Don't try to put up a show again
Just f king let me go
JUST LET ME GO.......
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F you, A

Well.. it happened again
Smitten by the devil's charm
I fell at his feet
Just to realize
He was a seeker , an opportunitist
Who knew how to play the cards very well
I sure was the joker in his game
I lost it again
Yeah, it happened again

At the end of the day, we just want to be chosen , isn't it??

Kinda stuck in my thoughts
I am really trying to get out of it..
That little ray of hope in my heart keeps on burning..
I know I should walk away..
I tell that to myself every hour..
But I dont know why am I longing to hold on..
Maybe he would see me for once
He would realize that I am the girl for him
He would realize that we belong together...
Should I trust my guts or am I just being crazy???
Deep in my heart .. I know he is mine..
For now ,the love he has for me is like a cloth that is hidden on a closet.
Once he digs deeper.. he will certainly find it...
But until when???
Will I be patient enough to stick around ??
Or will I just let go??????

You ring me up first thing in the morning
Just to wish me a good day ahead..
You hurry home in the evening
Just because you want to talk to me for awhile..
You won't let me hang up my phone at night
Just because you loved my company and felt like I was there..
You text me throughout the day..
Just to check if I ate on time..
You video called me every f-king day..
Just because you wanted to see my face..
Yes, you did all the right things, said all the f-king right words, gave me all the time..
Yes , all the words were correct, your actions certainly aligned..
You even uttered those magical words, you said ," I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU"
Yes, you made plans with me.. made me dream things.. made me believe that we could work it out... assured me that we could go till the end..
Yes, YOU GOT ME F_KING ATTACHED........
And then YOU DID ME *****...
Don't tell me now, that I misunderstood...
Don't tell me now, that we miscommunicated..
I never wanted you or your dreams at the first place..
I just wanted my F king peace..
But all you did was give me CHAOS at the end..
and why??? when I asked..
You had the audacity to put all the blame on me
and make me feel guilty for things I never did..
And why?? when I asked..
You had no shame to tell me that someone else is back in your life again
and you made me question my worth when I know I am enough....
And why?? when I asked..
You said, yes I love you...but, I LOVE YOU AS A PERSON
and you made it look like it was my fault to misunderstand all along......
I just TRUSTED YOUR WORDS, I just TRUSTED YOUR ACTIONS....
And where did it leave me.... in the middle of chaos..
At the moment, I can't understand my own feelings..
I don't know what I am feeling...
Am I feeling sad? Am I feeling unworthy? Am I feeling angry? Am I feeling lost? Am I feeling lonely? or Am I feeling happy? Am I feeling free? Am I feeling light? Am I feeling at peace? Am I finally feeling myself?
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F you, A

I tried my best to change myself and try to fit in your world.
I tried my best to turn myself into those skinny , glittery girls you run after.
I tried my best to put on makeup, walk on high heels when all I wanted was to stay inside in my pajamas.
I talked to you all till 3 in the morning when I had to reach my work by 7 AM.
I comforted you when you felt low.
I made you feel that you mattered.
I made you feel valued.
I made you feel loved.

While in return, you just left me questioning my worth.
You ripped open my bleeding heart again .
You sprinkled salt in my unhealed wounds again.
You broke my dreams again.
You made me realize why you shouldn't expect anything from anyone again.
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I don't know what did I do to deserve this. My intentions were always pure. My feelings were always true. I m stuck with a question mark. F you, A.

I am trying to understand this color between black and white..
This number between 0 and 1...
This conscience between right and wrong...
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All my life, I have been in either one of the sides..
It was always either a YES or NO for me...
But at this moment, I am stuck with a MAYBE...
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Maybe , he didn't mean what he said...
Maybe, I misunderstood him....
Maybe, I should still wait for awhile...
Maybe, he will come around....
Maybe, they are just friends...
Maybe, he really does love me...
Maybe, he is really busy....
Maybe, he wants me to call him first....
Maybe, we still have a chance..
Maybe, just the time is wrong at the moment..
Maybe, we can work things out again...
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I don't know....
Maybe...................

Needing to forget you
But not wanting to !
Have forgotten most of you.
Your Touch, Your Smell, Your Voice, Your Face!!
But still wanting to keep hurting
Keep reliving
Because that is the only way
The only way I can stay connected to you
And make myself believe
It was real, Everything was real!!!

All my life , I have been seeking validation from others.
I promise myself today, This ends here..
I am beautiful.
I am powerful.
I am enough.
I am worth everything I desire.
I am a boss *****.

How sad is it that you are trying to find me in her!!!!
How sad is it that she is trying to embed me in her!!!!

Yes, the devil is beautiful
He is dreamy
He says all the right words
He does all the right things
He makes you feel all the love
He makes you believe that fairy gods exists..
Then...BAMmmM!!!!!!!
Can you hear that noise?
The noise of your heart shattering to countless pieces...
Then....Ouchhhhh!!!!
Can you feel that *****??
That ***** that pierced through your soul and made you lifeless...
What do you do now???
With all these impossible dreams and unexplained feeling..
How do you get over it.?
Get over something you never wanted in the first place...

It's a year now since we parted our ways..
A lot happened in a year
Feelings changed, I changed
I cant say I feel for you the same way I did
I cant say I miss you the same way I did
It's true when they say
Moving on and getting over are different things
Certainly,
I can say I have moved on
I can say I dont want you back
But I hesitate if I have gotten over you
Its weird how we cant hate the person we once loved
How much you rant , how much you cry
The anger dies, the ego dies
But the love remains...
Yes, I cant say I still love you
But I can say I can never hate you...

You used to call me your "moon"
And you were the center of my universe
My beloved, my Sun...
But little did I knew
Your sky had more than one moon...

.
.
.
*******, B

I don't know if it was easy for you to move on
If it was easy for you to just replace me
I see you have managed to duplicate me
I see you doing all those that we used to to
"Sandwich and Donuts" were our thing
I see you doing that with her now
And I don't know what I should feel
How I should feel?!
She is trying to be everything she is not
What is the necessity though?
Can't you just love her for what she is?
Can't you not try to convert her into me?
You know that it is impossible
Just like us...

It has been a way of life now!!
No one really cares about the truth!!
All they care about is their perspective about the truth!!
And hereby, I am the one who has been living this life!!
Misunderstood and Misjudged
My inexpressiveness for emotionless!!
My indecisiveness for irresponsibility!!
My assertiveness for arrogance!!
My standing out for bossy!!
My logicalness for insolence!!
How Do I live this way of life?

Is wanting solitude so bad?
Why cannot something just be mine?
Why cannot some thoughts just stay within me?
Why cannot some feelings just stay hidden in me?
I am being the person you want, isn't it?
I am doing my best!!!
But I really don't want to share all of me to you?
Cannot some parts of me just be with me only?

Strange
I don’t miss you
I rarely think of you
Each night I am questioning myself
If I should just leave
I don’t know what is stopping me