As we begin
I am all smiles
And sly jokes
Letting go of little insignificant pieces
Keeping the lion's share
Behind locks and concrete

But there you are
Beautiful in a way I don’t understand
With lake filled eyes
And sharpie covered arms
I find myself reaching
Faster and grabbing harder

My heart roars behind my walls
Chipping away at the concrete
But as the wall cracks
The more I need to retreat
Knowing the more you know
The faster you’ll leave

I don't want this to slip through cracks
Like water I cup in my hands
As it seeps between my palms
Until my hands are empty
And I am left unquenched

But I am afraid to bring my hands to my lips
And drink in this water
I am afraid  the well is polluted
Or that my hands are *****
With poison that will enter my bloodstream
And leave me empty

I cannot see the bottom of this well
It is too dark and too deep
To know how far the water goes
I do not know the aquifers
That give it life
I do not know
when the well will run dry
Leaving a puddle of water
Mixed with dirt and sand
Leaving me with empty hands

But I do not want this to slip through the cracks
I want to drink thoroughly and deeply
From the palms of my hands
And let the excess run down my arms
Dripping down my body
Letting the water wash away
The **** and the dirt that has been left behind
I want this water to be full of minerals
To seep into my core
And make me stronger
I do not want this well to dry
But I cannot control the water
So I will savor every drop

I gaze through the window
Seeing a shadow stare back at me.
I trace the down turned mouth plastered in place
I wait for the tears to fall
but they are stuck in her sad cold eyes
that stare right through me,
As if I am not here

In the emptiness
I see happiness long since forgotten
A tear runs down the shadow's cheek
In the tear I see family and friends
I hear sounds of laughter and music
I smell Christmas trees and ginger
I feel the happiness and fullness that was once there
I feel a tear stroll down my own face

For the split moment the shadows face twitches
A slight upturn of the lips
A silent ironic laugh
I startle at my sense of relief
That this cold shadow
Was able to feel for even just a second

Like an unplugged dam
The shadows face crumbles and breaks
Swallowed in it's tears
The shadow starts to choke and drown

I watch the shadow curiously
As it desperately tries to reach out
As it desperately pleas for help
As it desperately tries to retreat

I slowly reach towards my face
In sync with the shadow
I notice that my face is streaked with tears
That I can't breath
That I am no longer here
That it’s just the glass and the shadow
of what used to be me

I jump in and swim to the bottom.
I don't wait to see if you were ahead.
I don’t wait to feel the splash.
I sit here waiting at the bottom,
Waiting for you to come and give me breath.
I hold my breath and watch the colors.
I hold my breath and wait for you
You come, but do not let me breathe.
You drag me around and weigh me down,
Bringing me deeper and farther than I would ever go.

We swim, we play.
Before I know it, I am happily tied to the bottom.
I blink and find you swimming to the surface.
I thrash against at the ropes,
Trying to swim,
Trying to reach.
But it is too late.
You are already gone.

I sit here alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
For the first time,
I felt pressure clawing at my throat.
Wanting, needing to breathe
I sit alone alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
Wanting to leave for the first time ever.
I can’t sit here alone for much longer.

I claw and bite at the ropes,
I kick and scramble in the water.
I feel the shadow of your ghost grab at my toes.
Comforting, angering, painful.
I scream, cry, choke
Water filling my eyes
I sink, giving into the firm ghost arms.
I turn my head and try to breathe in your scent.
I choke, scream, cry,
Water filling my thoughts
I hate myself for letting you go.
I hate myself for hating myself.
I cry, choke, scream
Water filling my lungs
I hurt I crash
I can’t take it anymore.
I scream scream scream,
Water filling my heart.
I claw I kick
I scramble I fight
I reach reach reach.
Air finally comes.

The pure bliss of oxygen,
The pure terror of freedom.
The world looks different:
Not brighter, not darker but different.
Subtle at first, but then explicitly clear.

I no longer need reassurance,
I no longer trust freely
I no longer leap or jump,
I no longer leave me for last.
I no longer always find a reason to laugh.

I used to jump in and swim to the bottom,
Not noticing if you were there or following behind.
Now I pace around the pool checking carefully:
Dip a toe in to test the waters.
If I go in, will you follow?
If I go in, will you come out?
What if it thunders?
What if it lightnings?
How long until the lifeguard blows the whistle?
What if I stay in the pool?
What if I get in the pool with you
Get comfortable get happy?
And slip and fall and can never get out?
If stay where its dry,
If I stay on the outside,
I can’t get hurt.
You can’t drown me without water.

The rhythmic tap of my thumbs
As my heart stutters and leaps
A melody in my pocket
A day dream of the future
Of a kiss to come
Of brown eyes
Seeing straight into me
Of letting down my walls
Letting myself spill out

Brown eyes stare back at me
Twinkling with humor
A slight bob of the head
Not in agreement or affirmation
But in sheer giddiness
A nervous chuckle
A smile expands
Revealing a cute little gap
Perfect in its imperfection

A kiss on my nose
A hand on my cheek
Arms wrapped around me
Brown eyes too close to see clearly
Full of something I can't describe with words