Words are now
as if
I never wrote

gather as an aching
lump in my throat.

They don't seek paper
only a river
to pour and mingle
in refrains of a dumb sadness
flow away
sunburned and tidewashed
to where the river is widest
deepest with sighs
of life not enough
in once only
and when just begun
ending broken on the shore.

This place has become so familiar, yet it has never felt comfortable. I'm being watched and not even my insides can turn unseen. I've been here, I've stood here, and I'm terrified. I cannot close my eyes for fear that the faces will follow me into what is supposed to be my escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape myself.

look
ill drink and ill drink
until his hands no longer feel like his
and his face is him no more
i will feel him against me and i will grit my teeth
and shut my eyes and whisper to myself that it is you
ill keep drinking
until i open my eyes and its your eyes i see
he looks at me and he touches me
but i cannot feel the same
i want to be ok
but my insides are frozen
no amount of warmth from this stranger can melt the hurt you left in your wake
i trusted you
he wants me
i cant have you
so ill drink
and ill drink
until i cannot open my eyes
to see who is loving me now

Scribble the words; don't be afraid of them they bring emotion that is begging to be felt, just as you are begging for his touch. Do not show up when you know being there will only make you cry. But do not be afraid to feel. That's why life is so beautiful: everything deserves to be felt. That's how life goes. When you are awake at 3am screaming in your room, burning the candles that you got from the festival, listening to the saddest song your heart has ever felt, do not be afraid. This is how it's supposed to be and when the thought that everything will be okay flashes across your mind like an island in the middle of the vast oceans, swim to it. It is not a mirage, it is not your imagination playing tricks again, it is not the drugs that you never took,. It's as real as the pain in your stomach. Swim to it and do not stop even when it seems you are getting no closer, darling, you are almost there. Don't lose sight. Do not remember the way he said your name or the way his words held you on the surface of yourself. You were made To go deep. Drown in yourself. Don't be afraid of that, because even when you drown, you are saved. He is calling you, He is guiding you young child. Do you not remember He who placed that island just far enough to make you appreciate the journey when you arrive on that shore completely exhausted but just in time to see the most breathtaking sunset your human eyes have ever seen? **** it open those eyes. They are there for a reason! I said, do not be afraid! For why are you afraid of living if you are not terrified of dying? You are on the tight path, keep going. Breathe. Don't be scared. He is holding you. He is holding your hand. Breathe. Listen to the voice saying "it will be okay" because in two days, it will not matter how swollen your eyes were, they still took my breath away in the moonlight. So perfect, standing there listening to yourself for the first time, hearing the words "I love my life" escape from your lips. Could it be? The first time? Even if you are unsure, you mean it because there is nothing perfect about someone that feels absolutely nothing and my God, you are perfect and I know you feel so much more than words could ever say. So, be in love with all of the emotions, the feelings, the heat of the anger, but yet the warmth of your breath as you shout "come back to me, I'm drowning in the middle of the street, staring at the moon so bright. Why can't you be there? Don't worry, don't fear. His eyes are on you and you should stop swimming up stream, lie on your back, watch the galaxies revolve around you in that moment. Time is nonexistent. It's made up. It's a figment of your imagination. Do not watch it tick away. Watch the stars, breathe, do not fear drowning... You know how to swim.