The way her hair lays like brush strokes on her shoulders
The way her lips curl at the edges as she says my name, wrapping each letter warmly before passing it like a kiss to my ears
The way her eyes catch the sunlight, blooming into a beautiful sunrise around the galaxy of her pupils
The way her entire being just radiants some beauty unknown to mortal men

If I could describe her, it would go as follows

Imagine, it's early summer
The trees are green and bright with life
The earth flows vibrantly with flowers
It has been raining for days now
How ever the rain has lifted
A beautiful golden sun reveals itself from behind the clouds and sets the world a blaze with it's temperant warmth
You walk out your front door into a fresh, clean breeze
And just then

You feel like life has started again

I can feel her
She's somewhere in a shower hotter than the mantle of the Earth trying desperately to burn ever one of my fingerprints from her body
She's scrubbing so hard that he skin begins to peel off like every lie I had ever told to her
She won't listen to her favorite music anymore because it was our favorite music and hearing it makes her think of me
She loved me so deeply that once when she said it I could feel my lungs fill up with fluid as the words tried to claw their way out of my throat to say it back
Instead I just stared at her
Yeah
You too

"Have you ever wanted to die?"
It's a question I've answered over and over

"Yes"

But this time it was different
The feeling in my chest was different
The half empty beer in my hand didn't taste as bitter for a moment
We didn't make eye contact
We just sat next to eachother, drinking

"Do you want to die?"

I can feel my stomach searing
Like each letter of my answer is attached to razor being pulled from my body

"Sometimes"

We didn't look at eachother
We shared a quiet moment of understanding
We each took another drink before any words broke the silence

"Yeah. Me too"

We thought we were so cool in high school
Our problems then seemed so world changing
We had to wear the newest clothes
We had to have the newest Iphone
******* I'm totally gonna bomb this chem test
****

But then it changes
Reality hit some of us so much harder but we were all standing on the tracks staring down the headlight of a locomotive and it didn't even let it's horn ring out before completely crushing whatever sense of reality we had


Your friends in college moved away and left you in your dusty town to juggle life and seem waaaaay happier than you
Little do you know they've piled so much on top of themselves they can't even function
No wonder everyone in college drinks

And you have a job and you're working towards something but ****
Your mental health has been slipping
All your friends are in college
You feel the tentacles of dread pulling at your ankles
You can't sleep
You're lonely
Love
Love everyone

We thought we were so cool in highschool

I was thinking about God and how she made me flawed
I can't help but be mad
I watch artists paint beautiful portraits, each brush stroke precisely calculated to make a masterpiece
And I can't help but feel like I'm just the canvas that got torn
I'm self destructive

I watch my parents age and I think that one day they will leave this world nothing but a house and a son thats just kind of "eh"
I love my parents
My dad is my hero, my mom is my heart
I'm self destructive

It's crazy to think about how many friends I've lost
It's even worse that with the friend group I have now, I still don't feel accepted
I feel like the reflection in a fun house mirror standing in front of my peers and I can't help but fall further deep into my deflated self imagine
I'm self destructive

I loved her.
I had to leave because I let me walls down
I had to leave because she saw me
I had to leave because I cannot be left
I'm self destructive

The sandwich bag of pills in my sock drawer gets less and less full
I can't tell if I have a problem yet so I just assume I don't


I'm self destructive