Another day for me to host an elaborate party, hoping that someday my Daisy will walk through the door and welcome me back into her arms. I've built this 3 story facade up and covered the walls in art. I've decorated every piece someone can see, minus a missed spot here or there. I put my fancy clothes on and I pour shot after shot down my throat until the alcohol doesn't burn, or do anything anymore. I've tried to reach out to her before but every time I do I find my self right back in these decorated walls, adorned with memories that remind me of her. Every night in the pitch black nothingness I peer to the other side of the thick black sludge and I see a green light. This green light is the end of the dock behind daisy's house and it calls to me like a beacon. I even see it when I sleep.

One day, when I found it particularly hard to wake up, I decide to try. I went out being my facade, fixed my eyes in the light, and dove into the hopeless abandon. I thrashed my way across for what felt like hours, only hearing the faint whispers driving me forward. I finally made it to the dock, and I grasped the light in my hand and I pulled all my might, hoping to find myself on dry land and one step closer to my love.

Instead I found that I hadn't left my room.
Instead of a beacon, I pulled open a drawer and found that it was my handgun that was calling me.
There was no daisy
No house
No fancy clothes
No parties

Just a light at the other side of a dark lake.

Trick yourself into believing it's not love
It always starts off so easy
"She's just nice" you tell yourself
You try your hardest not to believe that she could see something in you that you don't
Someone could be special to you and that's fine
It's the moment that someone makes you feel special that you wake up a 3 am in a cold sweat praying one day you're  lucky enough to even attempt to make her happy
When you start to feel special to someone, you're entire world changes
The sun shines warmer on the little purple flowers in your yard and isn't so heavy on your shoulders
The birds' songs sound like symphomies in your yard and you can almost hear them spill out over the edges of the world
The breeze is gentle and no longer pushes against your body and if you focus hard enough you'll swear to yourself you smell her perfume
When you think you're special to someone you'll start to ignore the things about yourself that you hyper-analyze on a daily basis
A shared laugh becomes your favorite song
Every moment together seems too short and everything becomes a little more vibrant

True love is when you feel loved
True love is when you love yourself
True love is when you feel special to someone
It's easy to love someone else, it's easy for people to be special to you

It's when you feel special

That's when it all changes

I have to type this quick because soon I'll get too woozy to make write of the words. I'm sorry if the words are spelled wrong, I'm typing this with my left hand since I cut all the tendons in my right.

Dear mom and dad,
       I'm so so sorry I didn't turn out how you wanted. I tried I really did, please don't hate me when you find this. I spent so long pretending to be okay that it felt so strange to feel okay for real and I panicked. It'll be okay though, I'm comfortable In this warm little puddle. It almost feels like a womb, soon to birth me into the eternal numbness and the quiet i so desperately deserve. You've made me happier than I'm worth and for that I will always love you. Everything I was is everything you are and without you I would've been nothing more than the ending to a story no one read anyways. Thank you for everything and I'm so sorry


Dear N and family,
     We haven't spoken in weeks and I feel like that's my fault. I'm sorry I pushed you away but i felt replaced by your family. How childish is that? No matter what you're always my big brother and I love you. Tell the kids that uncle nono went on vacation to somewhere beautiful and that I'll be back someday when they're older. Tell them I'm sorry I wasn't a better role model.

Dear S,
  I can't even say anything. I'm so ******* sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. Im sorry I got caught up in my selfishness. Im sorry I wasn't better. I know you'll get better and I'm so so proud of you. You've grown into such a beautiful and absolutely indescribable young woman. I want you to remember our time spent together but forget me. You have every guy in the world to choose from, and I'm sure they're better than I am. I'm sure you'll find someone who will realize your a goddess just as I did. Hopefully they're not as broken as I am. I want you to know I love you...

Dear L,
 Check it out bro you got your own section. Thanks for being my brother when I didn't have anyone. Thank you for being that one voice of reason that I listened to like, 60% Of the time. You made life a little more bearable. Thank you for putting up with all my dumb ******* and you have to promise to show up to my funeral in a bro tank, drinking a Miller.

Dear everyone who's kept me alive this long,
 I'm so sorry I let you down. All your work was for nothing. I'm sorry you started to love me. I'm sorry if you cared and I'm happy if you didn't. You shouldn't have ever loved anyone like me because trust me, I wouldn't either. Thank you for everything you did to make my life amazing. I love you and ******* for making it so hard to leave.

My head hurts and I'm freezing. Why is my back all sticky? The floor is really slippery around me and it's hard to breathe. My ears are ringing really loud and everything looks really grey. I think I should close my eyes for a bit, I'll wake up soon. I just need to nap for a bit.

Just a bit

I'll be up soon...

No please
I'm begging you
Don't push me back to sea


This vessel is broken and tore, I have no sails or paddles.
My body is heavy and my mind is all but gone.
I love the shore and I love you but I can't help but worry that something has shifted

Oh no
I promise I'll do better
I'll be better

Whether or not I was cast into the waves by your hand or my own, here I am again. This part of the sea is not plotted on any map and has no title. There's no sunlight shining through the clouds, the sea is black and devoid of life. All I can see is darkness in all directions.

Alone
It's been so long
I can't continue to fight anymore

I walk to the edge of the bow and I stare into the abyss, my heart like a weight in my chest that will allow me to sink to the bottom. Just as I step off the edge I can hear your voice,

or maybe

I just imagined it.

All of my poems are just the same set of words rearranged just enough for them to be considered a new thought. They're not clever social commentary or a chilling piece about mental illness or anything like that. Instead, it's just a lonely kid feeling like a little fish in a big big pond who thinks he has a voice someone wants to listen to. If you're a stranger to my poems, let me sum everything up for you.

I'm sad part 1
Suicidal anxiety
I hate myself
I'm lonely
I'm sad part 2
I hate myself

That's pretty much all of them. I realize that for a voice to be significant it has to be sincere. My poetry isn't even good to me, they just help me on those dark nights when the only light in my room is my phone screen and it's the only thing I've interacted with for hours. I find my own logic so perplexing. I'm naturally extroverted and most of, if not all, of my happiness comes from other people. Meeting people, making people laugh. But recently I've been so worn down I barely want to get out bed. I haven't slept in weeks and now the nightmares have gotten so bad I'm lucky if I get an hour or two. So now I mainly just sit in my room with a fractured mind and a tired heart and I convince myself that people would be affected if I was to disappear one day, and to be honest, I'm not sure I believe that. I believe everyone is unhappy to some capacity and I'm just a dumb kid out to save the world and went I realize how big the world is, I crumble up on the bathroom floor, clutching my confused ideologies and personal morals. I'm not broken in a way that I don't work, I'm broken in a way that I don't work right. I feel like I always hit left a center and on day I'll just stop aiming to hit anything. At this point in my life, I've burned so many bridges it leaves me to wonder what's left. People whom I've considered my friends for awhile, I've left with no second thought. Conflicts of ideals are the hardest to resolve because no one person can be proven right or wrong. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating. It just feels like everyone around me moved and found the happiness and the purpose I was looking for. They all stayed and got older while I went somewhere and stayed the same. I have a few people that I would **** for. I pour all of my heart into them because they are my lifeline to happiness. My best friend of twelve years, my cousin, me two friends from 6th grade and my soon to be girlfriend. Whenever I'm writing another stupid poem I can here them say "hey, it's okay. It's not that bad" and somehow I feel better. Sometimes I still think about suicide and I defiantly struggle with my mental stability. But I honestly think it's getting better. The bright times last longer and feel better, but thank dark times are the darkest they've ever been. I know if I can just hold my breath long enough I'll wake up when it's sunny again. Things take time, and I'm impatient. Time scares me because you never know what can happen between present and future. People leave, things change, plans change, you change. I'm learning patience and I know one day I'll look back and wonder why I was ever afraid. But for now, I'm just a scared little fish trying to swim in a strong current inside a big pond.