I can feel this black pool of bile in the bottom of my lungs. Whenever I take too deep a breath, it's there to gargle in my chest and remind me that even if you bury the past its decomposing corpse will cause something to grow. I'm convinced I live life between suicidal thoughts and I'm too afraid to admit it to anyone expect the 30 people who will read and then forget about this poem. So go ahead, close the page, this will be here whether you care or not. That's the reassuring thing

I just don't get why living seems to rest heavy on the back of my neck, pushing my face into the soaking, black mud. I can still breathe out of the corners of my mouth if I smile wide enough. I think I can manage if I try hard enough.

I am nothing more than another person working another job that doesn't mean **** to anyone but the person I'm standing across from when I say "sorry sir, we don't have that brand of *****".

What the **** am I doing? Am I the only person that see that's all of us are just buffalo, herded to the edge of a cliff by those who brand us things like "minimally exceptable".

Why can't I just do something, anything that has purpose. I want to be a role model, I want kids to look up to me. I want to sing and dance and be someone else under the lights of a stage. Anyways, enough about me, is there anything else I can help you find, sir?

My boat was broken and the deck splintered into my feet. The bow is frayed and split and water rushes over my body. It was in this moment that realization tied itself around my neck and was heavier than concrete. I was sinking fast and the hungry waves laid in wait to swallow my tired soul. The shore was in my eyesight but I had not the strength nor the want to swim towards it anymore. I wasnt ready for the silence of the current, but I accepted the fact that I was going to drown here.

I look up at the beaming sun through the has of the water. I watched it get darker and darker, as did my peripheral vision. I was still holding my breath and I didn't know how many more seconds I had in my lungs. I didn't panic. I knew that this is what I deserved. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, the salt water tearing apart my lungs.

I woke up on the shore with your hands pressing my chest and your beautiful eyes staring into mine. I couldn't hear anything other than my own heartbeat..*******, I still have a heartbeat. I cough the sea from my lungs and you pulled my head to your chest. Your voice was frantic and you both scorned me for not swimming and fell over yourself at the fact that I was alive. I looked up and grabbed your face and held it in my hands in total disbelief. Your voice had guided my journey for so long and I yearned to find my way back. You had pulled my from the depths and now I am here, with you. I interrupted you with a kiss and I buried my face into your neck, resting my head on your shoulder. I could say anything but "thank you and I love you" over and over until I felt like I was digging the words into the earth.

You've saved me

And I love you

The sea is rough and unforgiving. The salt dries out my throat and now whenever I try to speak it feels like nails are being drug down my neck and into my stomach. The paddles are starting to splinter but as long as I have my arms I can move this tiny boat across the waves and I promise I will not stop until our journey is over and we've reached our golden shores. As long as I have you in the raft it will not over turn in the waves. As long as I have you in this raft the waves don't even seem that large. The ocean seems small in comparison to your eyes and current isn't strong enough to pull me away.
I will not sink
We will not sink
This raft will leak but even if the entire mass of water stepped inside the wooden frame I will not let this vessel move.
I will paddle with my hands until they Crack. I will paddle with my arms until the muscle separates from the bone and even then I will paddle.
I can see our shores and ******* it are they close.
We can get there, I know we can.
I know I love you.
Just hold me when the waves are calm.
I forget how afraid I am of the ocean sometimes.
As long as I have you
        We will never capsize

I have this song on repeat hoping that if I listen to the words enough times the sting that each syllable has would be less apparent. Instead I'm find myself laying in a bed of nails, wishing I could rewind and go back and say sorry over and over until my throat cracked and bled. Even then id wheeze the words because the words need to be bled. I can't escape this quiet little storm and I'm stuck on the eye wishing I never said goodbye in the first place. I convinced myself that I was poison and you had taken me and I was afraid of watching the beautiful pettles in my hand brown and decay. I guess I'll never find the true reason I had to walk away. I tried to say "I love you" but all that came out was "goodbye" my eyes widened because it felt as if a ghost stabbed my throat with the word. I sat for too long in the darkness of my room contemplating whether it was my selfish attitude or my fear of never being good enough for you. I stopped counting the days after I stopped feeling and the numbness pumped into my body and I got addicted. Every new girl just fed the addiction because id feel nothing when it wasn't you. It doesn't matter how much alcohol I'd poured directly onto my lungs I could never drown the memory of you. I hate this, I hate myself. Why did I say goodbye. I spend my time punching mirrors hoping the broken shards will cut deep enough to bleed out all this emptiness

But now I'm staring into beautiful hazel eyes, not a single thought forming in my head. My heart screaming words and my body flushes with feelings I haven't felt in months, maybe years. I can't believe it took so long to realize that those eyes are the only things keeping me grounded. Whenever I'd go to sleep I could feel your breath on my neck and I'd wake up with a wet pillow. But that doesn't matter anymore because I have you. I have you in my arms and I'm never letting go. I'm happy, I'm feeling, I love you and I'm never letting go. I will still scream I'm sorry into the bathroom mirror hoping my reflection will Crack because I know I don't deserve a second chance. I know I deserve you and you deserve to be happy so I will work hard to make you strong and protect you. I can't believe I forgot what love like this felt like, but I guess no one else can love me like this but you. I could never bleed enough thank yous for letting me crawl back into your life, you're the only thing that occupies the space in my head. I love you more than it could ever be said. I'm never giving up and I promise I will grind down my bones and tear my flesh apart before I ever say goodbye again. I love you. I'll say it over and over. Every time I say I love you while looking into your eyes it feels like a crack in my heart seals back together. Everytime I see you in feel a slice in my lungs close back up. You're my everything and I'd give up anything to keep you for the rest of this life and the next

A small piece of paper with shaggy printed on it sits on my night stand beside my bed.
It's honestly the only reason the colors look so bright when I'm pretty sure the last time I saw them they were a shade of gray, but I digress. ******-Doo and me are alike in the way that when were both afraid, we run straight to shaggy.
****** leaps into shaggy arms and I follow. Suddenly this episode of archer seems a lot more alive that before and I can't help but watch the colors drip off my Playstation and onto my floor.
Me and shaggy are pretty close. I confided in him more times than anyone else and he always seems to put me in a good mood.
He's easily my best friend, you have no idea. Sometimes I can't find him, but he's probably just off with the gang. Solving mysteries and ****. The only comfort I have is knowing that he'll be back to make these colors vivid again

My name doesn't matter because none of you will remember it in 15 years anyway. I'm just a person who you've cracked you door ever so slightly open for and you let both me and the haunting breeze in.
It's good to see you again, we'll beside the many times I stare at your name on the top of my phone screen and the words "compose message" loom just below, like jaws read to swallow every syllable of you're title and digit of your number.
What the ****. I know I've written this message out a thousand times but the only key that felt right was backspace. No that can't be it, let me go back through all twenty six letters until I find something, anything that feels better than nothing at all, please, anything.
I texted God instead, I hadn't spoken with him in years but I needed to ask him if I used a 12 gauge shotgun slug like the ******* Apollo and used the lead to Carry every thought to heaven if my soul would follow it.
But he left me on read.
No no I'm fine I promise. It doesn't hurt to pretend to be strong and it defiantly doesn't drain the life from me that you pretend to care. I'm just a man, reading poems to himself in the bathroom mirror over and over again in the left over mist of a scalding shower he took to prepare himself for hell.
What if the boy who cried wolf was actually just crying to the wolf. They weren't calls for attention but screams that poured out over the edges of the forest on accident, and when the hunters arrived the boy was too afraid to tell them he saw the wolf when peering into the still, blue lake.
Too afraid to cry in front of the hunters, the wolf drug him into the forest and left his screams trapped under the braided rope. Still afraid of being weak, the boy faced himself and was found swinging from an oak, smiling.