Prayed to a God
who didn't even know my name
kneeled in the pews
praying I could make it
into the pearly gates

My hands clasped
and my hand held down
trying to keep quiet
never allowed to step out of line
messing up could mean]
burning for eternity

Now I'm shedding my old skin
tearing up my church dress
and throwing away those painful shoes
stepping off the "right" path
and learning to fall
falling into my own arms
and learning to save myself

It all fades away one day
who cares what name I give
the thing I worship
so long as I can be kind?
If I know how to love
does it really matter if I believe
in Heaven or Hell?

I used to think the church was holy
the temple held sacred ground
now I see it
as a monument
to a dead and old promise
a lie from the start

You promised me you'd love me
but now you can't even say my name
can't look at me now I've changed
and I'm more free than ever
don't need your chaining lies
when I can be free in the sky

There's something more holy
about a quiet, soft rain
or a dried flower on my shelf
than anything you'd find in the blinding white

At best, it's a simple misunderstanding
a mistake of judgement
not quite getting it
at worst they **** with you lies
and misinformation
and have the gall to claim it
the "priesthood power"

We need a new God
we need something to save us
keep us from the sin
that's killing us just as much
as we **** each other

I can't believe in
"selfless love" when you need me
to fit the mold in order to love me
there is no "promise" here
in the dark
only a hope and a freedom
I gave myself these wings
and I won't let you burn the feathers

I suppose to say
I've fallen like Icarus
might be a little cliche
but it's true, I suppose
in a way

Icarus fell for hubris
and I suppose I did too
I thought I could fix it
I thought it could make it right
and now it's even worse

I know it's a stupid question
"Did you ever love me?"
Of course not.
How could you?
You never knew how to
love anyone but yourself

You treated me
like nothing more than a step
on your path to being something more
but now you're dead
and I stand here
waiting
the scars you left me
still clear on my skin

I don't really know how to feel
sometimes I'm not sure I even can feel
but there's something
something wrong with this
wrong with the way they talk
the way they treat each other
and I don't know how
to save them

"You can't save everyone."
it's true
but there's no comfort in the words
I can't be everything
but I can hardly even be anything
would it ever be enough
to just simply be?

It sounds such a silly thing
to state the truth as it is
so plain and simple
but that's how it is, isn't it?

Fire burns
drugs ****
grief hurts
knives are dangerous
don't trust strangers

But there's more to that, isn't there?

Fire burns but it can feel good
Drugs **** but they also can give you dopamine
Grief hurts but there's catharsis
Knives are dangerous but so are people
Trusting a stranger can **** you or save you

Not all truths are surface level
so stop saying they are
because really,
can you see it all
by just looking?

If you look at a tree
can you see all its roots
the way it pulls water and nutrients up
can you count every leaf and knot
can you see all the bugs or mushrooms
or moss or worms around it or in it
can you see the rot in a fallen log?
can you see life in what's broken?

-Toby

I'm starting to think
none of it matters
we all are going
to die either way

So who really cares
about who I kiss
or who I love
or what pronouns I use

I'll like what I like
whether that be painting
or maybe crocheting
or exercising

I'll like who I like
and be who I want to be
because really what does it matter
me saying I'm a boy and not a girl
when we all die anyway?

One day all our bones
will be buried in the earth
or already gone
so what does it matter
if I don't fit the norm?

I'm not hurting anyone
by standing outside
of your strict rules
regarding gender and love

Love who you want to
we only have so much time
why waste all of it
hating other people
for something that they
never really chose?

Back and forth
the constant back and forth
happy and then shouting
calm and then sobbing

It's like a swing
if it had no chains
flying
and then falling

There is no real answer
no set, no stop
only the constant
back and forth

Hungry but don't want to eat
full but I don't want to stop
breaking something
only to feel the blood on my arms

I'm angry but not at you
I'm sad but not because of you
I'm happy again
but then it's numb and broken next

I might **** myself
or maybe just get high
maybe it could just be
one more cut

Maybe I could just
go back to how
it used to be
but I can't even remember four hours ago