Today I made it five hours
unless you count the six cups of coffee
and the cigarettes
I don’t
it’s convenient that way
I don’t know what it is
It is the one thing I can’t find the words for
probably because I am afraid of the implications
those words will surely bring
when I was a young *******
I knew way more than I do now
and I was never unhappy
but I grew up -
admittedly slower than my peers -
and bit by bit the wallpaper was stripped away
until all that was left were pipes and studs
a haunting skeleton creaking in the night
so I slipped more and more as I got older
because I wanted to go faster
wanted it all right away
and I was foolish
because all it got me was a handful of good words
and me sitting in this chair
lamenting the fact that I only made it five hours today
but tomorrow is tomorrow
and just maybe
I won’t be this me

That’s why they call it falling in love
because at best it’s going to hurt
and at its worst
you end up splattered all over the concrete

Can you see
Beyond my eyes
And deep into my soul
Where the truth really lies?

Can you hear the voices
Whispering in my mind
Reminding me
That I'm running out of time?

Can you feel
My slow beating heart
Deprived of love
And falling apart?

Or do you just see
The face I put on
Of no emotion
Of no lively song?

I rather you look
Beyond the eyes
Beyond the lies
To the messed up being
I really am
Yet beside me
Is where you still stand.

He dreamt of darkness,
of falling from a high place,
of flashing lights, dark shades of red-
He dreamt of death,
but never with dread nor fear.
He dreamt of his suicide
jumping ship, flying home
to have a new beginning.
When he walked,
he acted as if his dreams
had never happened;
at no time did he ever reveal
that his only fear
was reality.

lately i've been gathering my feelings
and have been trying to put them into my poetry
but they don't exactly come out how i want them to

i have words in my mind
but as they process through to my fingers
i, all of a sudden, turn numb
as if the words have frozen in my veins

i wouldn't say i'm depressed
more like a little unsatisfied with the things that have been happening lately
or the things that haven't been happening

and everyone says to stay happy
but it's easy to say that
when you're not the one overthinking every night;
it's easy to say that because you're happy with your own life

but of course i'm not upset that you're happy
for all i know, you probably deserve to be
i'm just sick and tired of hearing that i should lighten up
from people who aren't constantly dodging the darkness
from people who aren't battling between what they want, have and need
and most of all, from people who think they know
exactly what i'm feeling
when they really have no idea

*a