Its always
The rainy season
In my heart
Whenever you leave

I wish you were the one
Sitting across from me in that chair
Time spent with you
Is far more precious than anything
Even in the tiny space
We would have between us
Is so much energy
It moves the galaxies

The rain last night
Washed away my sins
But
What's going to wash away yours?

Are the waves
crashing so hard this morning
to help drown out the heaviness
of my heart?
Or rather,
to wash away my thoughts?

I love you dearly
I truly do
But there is a darkness
In this heart of mine
It tells me
My love
Is not good enough

So yet,
I listen not to the voice
And give you all my love
However,
I will apologize
If it feels like I don't truly love you

Because you see
This love of mine
Is different from all the others

Can you feel me too,
As I think if you
all these miles away?

This lake sings to me
Saving me from the depths
Of the other waters before it

You sit over there
And state
Almost like you love me

Something in your eyes
My demise
Almost like you hate me

I want to say we're post-modern
Like in literature we're new styles
And we test the bounds of the rules

But we're not post-modern
There's one central idea to be denied
That is:

there is nothing left to be created

Maybe for literature that's tire
But not us, no
We create new love
Every day
And with each kiss

You sing like a bird
Out of key
And without purpose

This sunset will be your demise
I'll drown you in the reds
I'm going to hang you in the yellow
You'll suffocate with the purples
Both the blue of the sky
and of the waters
Will carry your soul safely on

Even now
I realize my life has fallen victim
To some sick metaphor

At this point I'm called
Not by my given name
But of that of a flower

Rose

And for me,
Many times,
Love has come and love has gone

And I burn for the things I have done
I am douced in the flames of infidelity
But I've seen the flowers burning

It's common,
When love dies,
To see the image of fire- set to the lovely petals  

roses

So then, why,
After love has left me yet again
Should I be surprised that I'm burning still?

I'm ready to let Mother
Turn my toes to roots
And mend me back into the soil

My arms reaching for the warmth
And healing from the sun
To help me grow

I'll wait for the rain
To pour down on me
And wash all I do not need away

My mind races at night
Because I know you're running
   -around with her

Its messy
And perfect

Complicated
And easy

Intricate
And simple

Peaceful
And painful

...Oh god
And it can be excruciating

But we're in love
And I'll brave anything

But not for me

Its just the way that disappointment moves
Through the body
It leaves everything feeling empty
But heavy
And it ***** because
There isn't anyway to undo it

His honesty
Lights the way
To a home in him
I never knew I had

The water calls to me
No, not to me
But to my weakness
However, I am not weak
And the water
Cannot
Have me

As the sun kissed my cheeks,
I being to ask myself,
am I worthy?

He chose me
Something about me
In his eyes
Lead him back

Even despite the fact
That I wasnt wanted by the Lake
I was thrown from the water
It didn't love me

But he does
He truly, truly does.
Who needs the Lake,
When I can swim in his love forever?

You can turn the lights on
And tear off all my clothes
But I will never again
Allow myself to be naked in front of you

I won
I finally did
But still for her
I feel the loss
And pain
And I wish
Somewhere close to the surface
Of my heart
(Though I wish I could say it comes form a place deep down)
I could take the pain from her
I wish that I could carry it
Far from her
For she lays in this bed
Yet, by her own hands she did not make it
She was thrown into those sheets
Not a victim intentionally
But crowned so by fate.

I'm sorry.

He's not my lover
But I know the taste
Of his lips

X

I miss the taste
Of the Lake
On my lovers longing lips

I miss the smell of the water
In his hair
As I run my fingers through it

I miss the sun
Reflecting off the crystal brown surface
In his eyes.

Through him
I guess
I still miss the Lake

I don't bloom
Because you command me to
If I bloom at all
It will be
Because
I am finally ready
To face the world
And because
The world is finally
Ready for me

These whiskey feelings
I give myself
Straight from the cup
Tonight
**** me more than anything else
And leave me more empty
Than I have ever been

**** this place.

The Lake
Rejected
Me
Even when
I thought
I was worthy

It rejected me
The lake
It truly did

My soul had never been so devastated
I jumped once more
Deep off the dock
To the very bottom

I let my body go limp
take me
I preached
But no
Not yet I guess


My body rose
Like a hot hair balloon
Crashing not to the sky
But to the surface of the water

And my lungs re-inflated
With the hatred of this world
I pushed myself back under
Breathing in the precious liquid
Brown in color

But no,
not yet
Not me.
For I am
Not worthy
Of The Lake

This water
Has a strange way
Of making me want to die

No, no.
Not suicide
I don't want to die
I very much want to live
I love those around me
But

The water
That **** water
It calls to me in peace
Offering it at the bottom
Of the murky water

Everything you've ever wanted
It says
Just swim deep enough to find it
It sings
And I want to.

I want to plunge to the bottom
And find all that I think I deserve
Cold bitterness overpowering my lungs
And the peace and joy
I was always offered all along

And I'm still falling
I'm still in love

I wish I could say I'm in love
But right now I'm not so sure
Not even about myself

I'm only perfect
When the lights are off
And so are my clothes

I can hear them laughing
While drinking
And I resent them for it

Because I
Am only good at drinking alone

Here I am
Naked in this bed
Alone
Feeling empty
Or is it the bed...
Who is empty
I don't know.
I stopped thinking
Too much about anything
After the clock on the wall
Began laughing at me.
I mean,
What time is it even?
How many hours have passed
Since you left?

You can only torment a soul for so long
Before it rejects you as its master.

My beautiful body
Tainted by a wicked mind

With you I can keep my eyes open
And the dream still unfolds.
I don't have to waste time sleeping
Just to have you next to me.

----
Because if it's not one thing! Its another!
She screams and her words crack the floor beneath her.
I'm a horrible person- I ******* get it
They, trapped in a single body, throw their arms up.
Their words were faint- but heard.
I don't know how to love!
His remark shatters the sky
or how to be loved
those ones shatter her heart as he holds the other boys hand in the photo of his phone screen- where she once belonged
You don't understand that!
She said throwing the clothes her mother got her from the /mens/ department out the window
I'm battling demons that nobody understands
he looks in the mirror one last time with the glistening escape hanging ever so slightly off the edge of the sink
In a soft other worldly whisper,
Heard from everywhere,
Because it comes from everywhere:
Nobody will ever understand
---

I keep going through your things
And I'll tell you why

First by saying- yes, I love you.
I mean it; I've meant it
Even after I said I didn't

lies
That's what we had left at the end
But once the layer of deceit was cleaved off
And the ugly truth was born
It was more than I could carry

Even still, in this unsettling love I have for you
Long after the truth has grown
To the ripe age of 18 years
And left the nest in my heart
I had built for it
-only so I could save my own sanity
sigh
...I digress:
I still feel the looming lies attempting
To play my heart strings like cords
Of the most out of tune harp

You say it's me
And only me
My foolish heart believes you
My body has already long forgiven you
Mind however; my mind has doubts
Mainly because no one would ever
Choose me
When there were obviously so many other
Her(s) to pick through

So I'll take your grain of love
And for right now
I'll choke it down between my spoonfuls
Of medicine
Salt
And soap

I'm sorry I go through your things still
It's wrong but its how I survive now
You can't be mad either because
Well, you made me this way.

I liked the days better when
You were begging to hold my hand
As we froze beneath the winter sun
Rather than it being pushed away
While me welt from the weight of the summer star

If you spent less time
Fighting yourself
Maybe you'd actually
Be able to save someone else

But how can you stand on your own cape
As your hair catches fire
And tell the world it's fine?

I've been here
No old news
Yes, I'm the same girl
from your cuffing season blues

When it happened
I was sitting in the corner of a busy cafe
Reading- nothing really in particular
But the song is the important cue here.

I heard it at first
Distant and faint like butterfly wings
Then it grew louder
Blame it on the night
My eyes rose from the pages
Dont blame it on me
Faintly into my ears

It's sad really
I wanted to steady myself up
Push the book into the seat
and cross the room as our eyes locked
Until we were standing breaths apart

But when I looked up
I knew **** well you wouldn't be there
Why would you be?
And I wondered
As my mind still made the image of us dancing in the middle of this coffee shop seem more like a reality

Would we ever dance again?
Maybe some day, of course not now, but distant
Perhaps in different lifetimes
However; most likely never at all

Seeking attention
From any of those
Willing to give it

Cold
And coated in ice

Do I need you...



to be complete?

When do I get to look in the mirror
and fall in love with the girl I see?