I am never going to find in you
What I need to be searching for
Within myself

What in Hell
Or Earth
Did I do
To deserve you?

Speak as you wish
But I'll believe as I may

You simply don't comprehend
The mountains I would have moved
The rivers I would have parted
Chaos I could have calmed
Or created
The tides I'd shift
Or the cards I'd fold
But I guess none of that matters now
Or ever
If it even did at all

Look
I get it
And I wish you well
But truly I wish
We could have both been well

"I hope work wasn't too bad for you. I've been going through a lot and I'd like to explain things when you get home."

Yours will come for you
In the middle of the night
Dead asleep
It'll grip your chest like a heart attack
Just a breath away from salvation
That will never arrive
Or inflate your lungs
Your mind will race with thoughts of death
And me
In the moments that separate fact from fiction
Your mind will decide the choice you made
Wrapped in the lies you told
Dammed you to a life of wondering
If I still think of you the way you wish I do

Nights are lonely with you gone
Not any more lonely I suppose
Than while you were mine
But the empty bed was easier then
At some point I knew to expect you
To eventually curl warmly into me

But it's difficult now
And lonely still  
And cold
Facing the reality
That your absence
Is the only thing I'm promised forever

If my rage were the weather
You'd never see a day of sun again
Trapped forever in a damp darkness
Of frigid wind and acid rain

It's getting harder and harder
To wake up without you

In those early seconds of morning
The burning rage ignites my soul
And burns me out to a spiteful pit long
Before the sun reaches the peak of the sky

The resentment you buried
Deep in my heart
Boils in the daylight hours
And scolds me long into the night

Melatonin chokes out my consciousness with mercy
Suffocating my misery
If only for a short moment
Until I'm plunged into the depths of my nightmares

My body thrashing about this bed til morning
But each and every sunrise  
Makes it harder and harder
To realize you left me here alone
Bearing no responsibility or resentment of your own

We do now
What we do best

We let it go
And welcome what comes next

You think I miss you
You think I'd miss you
But I already don't
even remember your name

The hole you left
is vast
but shallow.

The best revenge is kindness
Delivered with sincerity
And grace

I hope your next one
Deals to you
This same hand
You delt me

You may not see my pain now
But you'll feel my suffering later
At the hand of the one
You'll never see it coming from

I can't believe you had the audacity
To lurch into bed next to me
Each night
Knowing the whole time
The end of the week would bring
The end of us at your command
Dooming me to this house of shadows

How could he do that to me
If he said he loved me
I've never known
A fate so cruel
Issued down by the hand
That held my heart

May the Sun provide you the comfort
The Moon stripped you of

The storm will always come
You must be ready to weather it
When it arrives

I'm not scared to die
I'm sacred to live through it
And suffer the weight
Of another failure

The answers you seek
Are hardly as simple
As the questions you repeat

I don't know where
Or when
I expect to see you
Again

All I know is that last time
Couldn't really be the last time
Could it?

Do you still write?
Or did your words leave
When you did?

I count each day
Waiting
Until we hit that magic age
That brings you back to me
And we laugh
About the time spent apart
The torments faced alone
Silent achievements celebrated in solitude  

Fast forward to a time
When we've healed from the wounds
We inflicted on each other
In tender moments
Of misguided passion

I'll meet you in the space
Where sorrow and anger have no hold
And time has created the distance needed
To fade the agony of memory
And bring only joyful remembrance

Losing my Path
Is not a worthy price
For keeping companionship

I didn't want to get to that point
Where I wake up and realize
I didn't become content
I became silent

It takes a spider
About a day to make its web.
So then,
How long did it take you,
To construct your web of lies?

In the frosty fields of night
They thought they hid their sins

Buried
Low beneath the ice
Buried deep below the snow

In the waking silence
I found my breath

My lungs ripped and pulled —
gasp — after gasp —
Pleading only to choke

Dirt!
Solid, filling, heavy
Killing

Filling my chest by lung
Crushing my hope in pressure

My hands work frantic
as buckets, rakes, and hatchets
Beseeching the Earth to open

A prayer seems lost
in this desolate darkness
of endless soil

As fear and panic subside
acceptance and frostbite
cascade over me like an endless sea

One last sigh-
I relinquish all to the Mother
Whose frozen embrace will keep me still

Maybe sins are better left buried

I should stop worrying
About where I am in life
Relative to everyone else

I forget that I alone
Am floating at the center
Of my universe

It's not fair
That you moved on
And be came everything i knew you could
In spite of me

Your new girl looks like me
But my new man
Looks nothing like
the sad reflection
of my past

You gotta jump in
Both feet first
Because if one foot is behind the other
A part of you is stuck in the past

A year after
Our five years
I sit in tears
Planning a future forward
Starting over from the point
Where you stayed behind

But I'm successful in ways
We never imagined
In multitudes
You'll never reap again

How could you stand there and say
Forever and Always
To someone
You knew you didn't want
Now or ever?

If every bee
Was limited to one flower
We wouldn't have pollination

If every bee
Was limited to one flower
We wouldn't have pollination

I'll take your worries
and make them mine

We often fail to realize
That we are always at a cross roads
Gazing at the unrelenting precipice
Of decision and consequence
Each moment one away
From falling farther or rising above

It's hilarious
in a nauseating sense

to hear my mantras
echo from your lips

Everything is temporary
(Even the pain of you leaving)
Especially the sorrow youll carry for your unseen future

Learn to appreciate the moment
(And all the moments after you)
The calm you chased after running from everything

Let it go
(Or it'll suffocate in your grasp)
So you no longer feel burdened by the weight of decision

It's a pity you had to lose the sound
To appreciate the sentiment

May the voiceless chanting
Of something greater
Lead you forward on your path
Namaste

These creeping thoughts of You
Are all too tiring
My eyes still wander
Thought the gallery of my mind
Imagines distorted by the thin grime
Of sentimentality and nostalgia

But the You to me
Was never truly to you that You are
The You to me was only the version of You
I stowed away in my visions
And held almost forgotten in my heart

For when I gaze upon You now
My eyes beg to shut
For reality doesn't align with
The mirages of my memories
Words You speak
Mimic Your tone
But fail to reach my understanding
Your helpless screams of
Swirling dread and fear of your end

I can't keep visiting You
For You are in the past
The You that lives on now
Is a timeless captive who may never grow
Or change
Abandoned to fade
And share the same doom as those fated memories of You

And I cannot look for You
In my future
Because the You are to me now
Perhaps the true You to you
Is stuck in a space
Left behind My in time
Still waking to fight the tireless battles
Of Your war torn mind
Capsizing over the paralysis of each decision
A despair that is not mine to carry

Where do my words go
When there's no one around
To catch them

Well, I have done a lot of searching
and I know now what I deserve.

I won't get stuck in a trap
of second guessing myself.

If this causes something
that cannot be repaired
I won't live with a shadow
of looming resentment.

The morning sun
Kissed my skin
And told me it was okay
To miss you

Words are like flowers
Ephemeral and beautiful
But cut short is their life
Once they leave the lips
It becomes the duty of action
To animate them into fruition
With persistence and grace
To keep them alive long after they’re spoken
And seasons change

From the falling of leaves
To the settling of snow
Trapped in winters grip
‘Til spring came to thaw
We’ve spoken many words
Fleeting and playful
With passion to match

Much like the flower
Flames can be evanescent
If left unattended
Yet in your absence
The light abounds

Summers soft warmth
Will hold us tight
As we hold each other
And brace for the chilled breeze of fall
To blow us back to October
To our first hellos
Without goodbye in sight

Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know
You burn the weak bridges of distant bays
In the barren shade you will never grow


You’ll reap the rotted seeds of all you sow
Doomed to be alone for the coming days
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know


Neither pain, nor pleasure, will make you glow
Stuck forever in your pitiful ways
In the barren shade you will never grow


Through evil, twisted words and forked-tongue woe
Do your everything to push them away
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know


In the haste of fright, you condemn your foe
Care little to not for the truth they say
In the barren shade you will never grow


I’d give you my heart for this final blow
Even for the fruit of love you’d not stay
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know
In the barren shade you will never grow

Trying to write this to you now is nearly impossible.
The pen becomes so heavy in my hand it makes my fingers ache.
Every word etched into the paper
feels like another bout of blasphemy nailed to our hearts.
If only love was as easy as faking smiles in passing glances.

Remember when we would
fight so hard to be happy
Now its like
we don't know the meaning anymore

Some people sit there
and just make excuses.
But not me.
No, not anymore.
I'm not making any more excuses.
I'm making progress
and I refuse to stop growing.