SoupHands

SoupHands Apr 2016

Does anyone know the way out of San Jose?

I wake up itching every now and again
And I go the whole day thinking of bed bugs
Little nuclear bombs going off all over my arms and legs
Which is why I cut my nails now
I revisit that bridge every once in a while
To see if it's still smoldering
It looks war torn to be honest
That was one hell of a fire
Love becomes rage and that flame can't really be put out

It feels like every day I have to pick my self respect off the floor
And fight, just to open my eyes
Im paralyzingly numb, the air around me feels like shackles
Things dont make sense, I cant figure out what is disconnected
When I feel weak, I add another memory to the pyre
In an attempt to come to grips with this

It feels like Im starting to lose my sense of humor
My brain is picking **** apart
Cannibalizing to bolster what little defense is left
Everything is so tense, so grey
But I guess you cant fight DNA; the way you were built

Truth be told, I wish I could rip your tongue out through your teeth
I wish I could inflict on you, as much damage is still standing within me
But instead Im an aimless drunk, flailing at targets that dont exist
Finding fraudulence and lies in everyone I see
Hexa-focles, drunk goggles, eyes never built for my head
Welded in place, make me eager for untruth in people
Instead of hungry for their support
And the more I struggle, the more I deny my lies
The more these anti truths burn into my brain

My thoughts are a ******* hurricane
Im gorged with mistrust, greedy with skepticism, and eager to find an enemy
This isn't me. I think that every day
I dont even know who I am anymore

Chemically, I dont have the ability to comprehend or repair myself
They say the mind bends and twists in order to cope with anguish
It feels like mine is on the verge of breaking every day

Sometimes I feel like ending it all
I cant stop thinking about this
And it feels like Ill never recover
But pain is like matter
You cant destroy it; it'll just get passed around
And a weaker, more gentle mind would be burdened with pain they don't deserve
My reality is chemically changing all because of you

Youre a quitter, a hypocrite, a joke
Im not
I dont quit just because it's easy to do it
You do
I love so intensely, but I hate exponentially
And never in my most absurd dreams would I feel a hate like this

You begged on your knees to be forgiven
Yet you remained a traitor
Safe to say whatever you did you me pales in comparison to the emotional coma youre too dumb to find a way out of

It hurts to know that hurt is the only reminder I have left
To know that I can still feel, still hate
I learned that you cant surprise me, only validate my suspicions
Pain has absolutely no limit
Rock bottom does not exist
And that all people can be defined by patterns

But I watched you abandon your passions over and over
Become more of the type of person you used to laugh at

You left it to me to tell me you didnt love me anymore

Sometimes I feel those bed bugs
Those hot, lonely nights
All the burns and cuts
You took a part of my life and distorted it beyond recognition
I will always hate you, I will never forgive you

Remember when I told you about when i was young?
And I told you that I'd see girls with some ******
And I'd think, *******, what does a guy have to do to get said a girl like that?
Looks like Ill never know

current torture in my life
#depression #heartbreak

SoupHands Mar 2016

The Weight of a Smile

I am disaster
With killing cuts in my face
For the drool when it rolls down
From a face held in place with staples and tension cables

My laugh lines are chuckles at best
Like a pity laugh at a joke that went one step too far
A mouth that settles down, literally
And strains to bend upward

Its so ******* heavy and I cant bare it
Pulling open my ribs to operate I can see this dark heart
Crusting over, hardening over with hate
Being petrified by all the things I distrust from happiness

Im pulling off those bits and pieces too necrotic to save
It hurts but it has to be done
Theres no other way to do it

Unmonitored positivism will dull my perception
While absorbed in this placebo state
I know that this heart will turn to stone
And buried beneath scar tissue, Ill change
Thats why a smile is the worst vitamin

The muscles used to form a cartoonish frown
Are not real, you have to try real hard to make that ****
But when your face is aimed downward
When your eyes are built for crying
And filling in the cracks with gold only makes your wounds visible

The weight of a smile is
A clown mask, over flesh burned from the inside out
Feeling like youre digesting a cannonball every hour of the day
Wanting to grab someone and hold them because the floor is falling out from under you
Feeling the size of your own thoughts crushing down on lungs too asthmatic to breath
Being acutely aware of every second of the day
The dying sun inside your chest feeling like it's going super nova
Being connected to a hundred different points, and seeing no change in distance
Slaying a sentence before it leaves your mind because you think no one cares
Being okay for everyone else because you cant be for yourself anymore

2015
After moving to San Jose to be with a person who I thought loved me (very long, very painful story) I moved back home. After the wound had some time to heal, the time it all took, changed my whole world view.

SoupHands Mar 2016

Mouth of Revenge

I wish I could shoot lasers from my mouth
A righteous, indomitable blast of human force
Directly from my most powerful weapon

The blast would be undeniable, and impossible to miss
A man made super nova, siphoned into a concentrated blast
Powered entirely by my lungs and my heart

The earth would be covered in scars, miles long
Masked with ocean, or forest
In mother earths nature, concealing what has hurt her

My voice would be a siren of dirge and doom
A beacon through which the pain of many could flow
Bringing physical form to the unquantifiable

I wish you could see how loud I'd scream
In defiance of time, trickster god, and cruel cruel fate
Air would melt, and rock would simply burn

As the giant incinerating laser of revenge burst forth from me
Green and bright as lightning
The laser would send a signal

Hundreds of miles high, letting the entire world know we've lost you
So that all eyes could turn skyward and everyone could tell
That a voice cries out against what hes witnessed

I wish I had that laser, and I wish my fury could be made manifest that way
I could speak my rage into the very crust of the earth
So that no blasphemy of man, or amalgam of the void

Could ever compare to how very much I will miss you

If you have to go, then go. Get out and never come back.
Return yourself to the curse of time, I get it, believe me, I get it
But Ill never let you be forgotten

Any chance I get I'll speak your name
So who and what you...were
Will reverberate infinitely

And the wealth you granted us by knowing you
Can never be ill spent

2015
A friend of mine killed himself. Very unexpectedly. My first reaction was being angry. And for a couple hours I just yelled. And after my episode of processing a sudden, very tragic moment in my life, I wanted to be able to shoot a giant laser out of my mouth.

SoupHands Mar 2016

Probably Something

Casting stone through my eyes towards empathy
Its a thing as abundant air hydrogen or water
Emanating from the heart of a cynic, feeling what others feel, is a waste

That which makes others
Yearn and ache for sympathy
Makes the grey greyer

Turn your back and the person in earshot is long since dead
A racing mind hurries them into the oblivion
That they fought against just enough to smile

A winter evening
Is like a siege, famed and vexed
Fairy tales of doom

Wake up with a colossus standing sentient over your hope
The weight breaks your jaw
So you cant talk yourself out of these lies

Unwinnable wars
All destroying comets
Swathes of doom and dirge

All carved into your mind
Acid rain corrodes the gold foundation
On which your joy lies

Suffer silently
With words too big for speech
Lamenting and unspoken

The joker god lives in you
Speaking only lies
In the form of sad sounds a dark colors

Melancholy fades
Only to hang in the air
Maddening, distant

The faceless, the vengeful
Mouth of hatred
Takes an ever changing spectral form

Unblinking, staring
Estrangement, your visage
Becomes familiar

Strong duality
Makes a war grounds
In a space of zen

2015
Introspection. Thats all this is

SoupHands Mar 2016

The Purple Thought Bubble

What did the fish say to the other fish?
Its really funny
He starts with

Ill drown you in dishwater
So your last desperate breath will wreak of soap and leftovers
Die a humiliating death you ****

****, you spaced out, that joke was funny, a shame you missed it
Anyway, think of good things.
You know hard it is to sleep when you dont think good things

That ****** guy, you should have punched his teeth down his throat
That one guy way back when
You dont forget, his name will come back

Wait...I think you were supposed to have written that down
Ask them to repeat it
Oh ******* just said that weird, did anyone catch it? Can they see you second guessing the it?

I can see you doing that, honestly
Seems like something you would do
It was really embarrassing, you wouldnt be wrong if you did it

I wonder if dirt can melt?
Maybe that was the wrong way to act that one time
You still hurt, why dont you try to fix it?

Realist is the word for you
What some would call negative is truth
**** anyone who says otherwise

The revolution is almost won on this side
This battle is almost over
How many peaches do you think itd take to fill a cash register

Youre lucky that stays in here
If anyone could hear it
Youd probably be labled a huge pervert and thrown in jail

Yeah its time to shut up, its getting too loud to hear anything else
Be presentable, try to be your age, youre hurting more now k?
Try not to focus on the negative, despite what truth it may hold

You should bite your fingers off
Because its the right thing to do
Make the loud thoughts stop

Can you stop? Thats the only thing you think when you see them
Theres other things to think about honestly
Habit has a line and youre crossing it

******* **** **** ******
******* ****** ******* ****
Right now needs death, **** **** **** ****

That smell, what is that? Whose that coming from?
Fact, more or less, no thats your opinion, nah its fact
Voice it, go now, **** I sounded weird. ****.

Want, need need need no, want
Dont let someone in here
Youre nothing though

Suffering is normal, thats just how you think
You dont deserve a brain
Them, then them, then them, then then, thZZZZ, but ifZZZZZAAAAAAAZZZZZZ

ONLY ONE WAY OUT
TTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
YOU WILL WORSHIPTHEDEADZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAATTTTTTT

...........................
...........................
...........................

...........................
...........................
...........................

Back, well, focused.
Stay away from the corners
Inside that round room

Too tired for fury
Or penance
Just hurt, begin loop

2014
My mind races all day every day every moment of the day. Its hard to quantify or put to a sensible, thought out sentence. So I got really drunk and tried to follow my own ramblings.

SoupHands Mar 2016

Retribution

this piece is to be said as aggressively as possible without stopping, only a sharp directed breath may interrupt

Sam the ******
I remember the first time someone called me that
I didn't even know what it meant
But I walked away from it
Carrying in me, like a violated orchard, seeds of Hate

It must have been middle school
Way back when everybody was trying to be cool
Packs of brown skinned wolves hunting away my innocence
Wearing away at a, soon to be ruined, patience

I told my mom what people call me
And she didnt blink
Well what did you do to them?
That question rocked me
And fractures gave introduction to faults that would never find meeting

Mercantile in nature, fearful but loyal
Friends I may or may not have had kept me inside myself and corporeal
But I was a teenage solider
I hated myself for fear of affirming, the notion that I was no longer a controller
I hated, and that was the story

For a time anyways
I had no god, no group, guru
Who could teach me to grow and perhaps love
But that word tore everything I tried to learn to shreds

Sam the ******! Theyd yell whenever they knew my skin was crawling
And all I had were crutches and journal to keep that big bad wolf at bay
Each brick I lay became ash
Every star I counted became a nova
My white crippled wings became leather

I could have recited thousands of mantras
Ate a million crackers
Sang a hundred hymns
But hate was in my heart

My short comings and any kind of flaw
Was not a burden to be lifted
It was a fire that kept me warm and sane

Every voice in me said to be vengeful
Many said to stand against the wolves
And a few sometimes said to love
But I was an ant fighting the sun

And the only way to live was to hate

Not the way of redneck rhetoric
But the kind that made me a social heretic
Stay by the flames I would ponder
This weak skin will burn away and no longer wander

I had to become the iron clad infrastructure of my own life
To straighten up, tighten, and become repellent
Like the skin stretched tight across the war drum that was my young heart

I will stand resolute, and triumphant
Foster my hate into purpose
A heart colored black, to fight against wolves numbering in the hundreds
Armed with a new weapon of strength, forged fresh from the furnace

Hate was my god, it saved me
While others pitifully succumbed to theirs
Like Acheron, it ferried Sam the ****** to safety
I learned to hate equally and with cause to quench the burning with pause

Language became my sword and my shield
The deadly omnipotent airblade that could keep me alive
Even when all I wanted was to die
I wont be happy until everything is dead! Said Sam the Fagggot
But The Melting Man inside me was the inhabitant

Of this mind
That would hate in the defense of those who are weak
Which would always loathe those who let miasma make them meek
I was a cracked churchbell who would ring to free the ears clogged with ignorance
And my hands would wipe away the blinding tar of intolerance

It wasnt until I thought myself a poet would I know
Hate was an archaic riptide that killed the minds of many with its violent flow
Sam the ****** was a beast, something akin to a weapon
And I had learned to dismantle it and leave deadened

2014
my first stab at "slam" poetry
or just writing and speaking my work differently

SoupHands Mar 2016

The Prayer of the Three Beggar Men

Earth, help me
I am but lowly beggar man
And I dont know how to take cover
Not from rain or stinging cold
But from those just like me
Who walk above and right past me
Grounded to the same surface
But none seem to be any closer to me
I am silenced, cries heard only by tree and concrete
Help me, Earth, please

Sky, help me
I am but lowly beggar man
Man needs not the like of me
They chose my fate as such
Fallen and wounded
Prayers for fire in the skies
Drink is what I chose now
Since I can no longer slate my thirst from you
I will die by the cruel darkwood imitator
That men invented to betray you
Help me, Sky, please

Fire, help me
I am but lowly beggar man
And lanterns cant warm me
Scraps are my home and hearth
And that is no comfort for any
I long for your touch
But since outside is no longer my choice
Ill warm my insides with atomized flame
Beaker bottle and batch aid me in feeling and unfeeling you
Help me, Fire, please

2014
I try very hard to be empathetic. I cant fathom how awful it must be to be homeless.
So I wrote a very idealized piece about those who live outside.
Each of them, a representation of how I think a lot of people come to those circumstances.