A new kind of loneliness
That is all too familiar
The first kind,
The last kind
Behind the glow
Unspoken to
They don't believe in my self

Look at me worry
As if there are any consequences
Tomorrow I will fail
& so tonight, I might also, as well

I open my phone
its a text from you
that takes all of passing
to read
3 paragraphs to delicately explain
how and why we are through
If I knew
I wouldn't have opened it
The door shuts
and she tells me to read the poem aloud
My stare that compensates
For the dull of my mouth

I made my mother cry
Hurts to see I'll never change

Cant go on
I cant go on
I cant go on

I went downstairs
And my mother gave me a strange look
She heard a thud & assumed
I'd hanged myself
I can see myself dangling
But that never happened
I dont know how to tie a noose
My friend texted me
Saying she had a dream that I died
She asked me if I was alive
I sure thought I was
I've been time-hopping
A lot more this month
I really have been
Getting my own timeline mixed up
I'll accidentally slip into the past
Red brick and pink nails
Or I'll feel myself experiencing the future too early
That means I have yet to live, doesnt it?
Or does it mean I have been spared?
Does God know that I've begun
to reconsider His presence?
Or is it another force that mocks me
And dangles me on this thread
For yet another day
I lit a candle today
The flame felt cursed

I remember hearing the words
I remember feeling found
When she spoke of isolation
When she spoke of being alone

Once I'm on my own two feet
It'll start to make sense
I do not want to be provided for
Anymore

She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me

Smooth and undefined
My pen is unguided
My papers scratched apart
I fear the tear in the white
but I ruin it still

Oh god oh
**** me **** me **** me
Devour me while I rest
Lest I wake up
I'll never worship furthermore
Where I never worshiped
In the first place

Different meanings to the passing bird
I heard you've been mentioning my name
I heard it all until 5am
I dream I'll hear it again
There was no moon today
In the place where it should usually be
At this hour
It was full the night before
The sky is clear now
I wonder what it might mean

I went on a walk
And failed to find any cool rocks

unlovable
for the last time I
will hope that another will come along
I hope that
Looking out these windows is a sign
that death is near
and nearer than you
I am so poorly written
i'm sick of it

watching you like this is weird
through a one-sided mirror
there are moments you look straight at me
without realizing that I'm there
you forgot to turn screenshare on,
I think

she is so terribly personal
do i burn her?
but she is so terribly beautiful
i'll rip the pages out again
soon she'll be only her exterior

The ascension and depletion of self-worth
When you lose the ability to write
Relatable poetry

I never should have said it

My fifth grade self got down on her knees
In the center of her childhood bedroom
Held a steak knife to her stomach
Juliet-style
Because that was the only way she, (at that time of her life), knew how to do it
Other than jumping off a London Bridge into some clamoring river
But she couldn't figure a way to get to London
And was more afraid of heights than she was of death

scrubbing the tears off from under my chin
this was an accident
but i don't have the heart to change it

shake away my body
hustle when you tear at it
i don't want to be perceived

god is a black hole

Horribly hollow
I face the bell jar
with daydreams of face paint
And a pair of nail clippers

a day again
and still I'm saying
I need help

I'm eating ice cream from a bowl
For the first time in a long time
How can I live to die
How have I shaped my life
For the sake of the state of death
I should leave it behind
Let myself listen to electronic music
And not feel guilty
Because it doesn't remind me of mountains

I knew from when
You shaved off your eyebrows
I knew from the stubble
I get it, you get it,
We've all heard it,
But I could swallow your eyes whole
I want to worship your cheek
Frame your face with my own
I thought I was empty
You make me dream of sitting in the rain
You remind me of my life
I want to cherish yours

I am my own blackhole

Time and time and time and
Time again
They guide you
And even they discover
That this isnt the answer
This isnt the answer
Every time
There is only one end

my words have completely lost me
but even i am not gone
i am in love
and without a word
to describe this solace

I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

I feel wrong in my age
Wrong in that
To be in any other body
Than that when I was ten
Is to stretch and tear and wear me down
I am worn
I feel old
I feel my skin sagging over the muscle
The muscle sagging over the bone
I am the last breath of a murdered corpse
I am the last of my friends
The last of my family
My lack of power
Is shown through shaking fingers
Protruding bones
I am wrong

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

Theres one picture I want to paint
However that may be
I need to grasp
This loneliness
I need to see it in front of me

I feel like doing something horrible
But I cannot let it out
So I let it harbor
It is a blow
That I can redirect to my gut
Save you lest it collapses me

I am not the same
And nothing new

Get out of my heart
I dont need a reminder
Of the stone in my future
I dont wish to grasp you
If I cant forever

its the horror
of seeing them at the age you were
facing the same pain

o god o let me find you
in this time where you are buried
so far beneath and
all I can hope to do is guard the soil
let me lay over the ice top
not to warm it from the outside
but to let my silhouette be present to you
you who are so far below
this premature hibernation
with no telling of when the ice will crack
and when the ice will break for you
you who are free on the inside
and I
trapped on the outside
I will be here the moment you return
I will be here every moment before then
If only to be a reassurance to you
beneath my feet like an earthquake that I know someday is bound to happen
even if there really is no telling
I know you are there and
I know that you will find me too

I feel closer to my childhood self
When I am sobbing

I'm tired of being told
That wanting to be loved
Is childish

I'd rather evaporate

I don't believe
In unconditional love
You don't love
Without expectation
Of something in return
Even if that expectation
Is the feeling it gives you
Rather than their feelings for you
I don't believe
That people will love
Selflessly
That is to say
I know I will never be loved
Because I will never be in a state
To offer

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

How many more times am I going to return to this corner of my room
Asking why I've come back to this pain
The bass of it pounds and cancels all other noise until I
Can no longer fathom overcoming it
When will this pain leave me behind
Will it return to me always

I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

I feel worse for my apathy
Than I do for you

Handprints on the wall
I'll never know their names
They'll never know our failures
Resting in peace
Without the weight of our legacy
Which has been scrapped thereafter
And withers the print

What I described months ago in my bedroom
A stranger described just the same in 2008
And I listen to him now
and it opens a portal
There is one man who knows the faux of my emptiness
he doesn't know me, but he knows that I'm there

Everything that comes out
it is manipulative
it is lonely
I can't force the connection