My fifth grade self got down on her knees
In the center of her childhood bedroom
Held a steak knife to her stomach
Juliet-style
Because that was the only way she, (at that time of her life), knew how to do it
Other than jumping off a London Bridge into some clamoring river
But she couldn't figure a way to get to London
And was more afraid of heights than she was of death

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

Known to be fond of soft things
I can't feel the mockery
How can they tell me I'm weak
When I have you in my arms

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

I miss your handprints
I'll see them again
to leave them all the same
This time once and for all
I have made you my home
Naive,
for I knew exactly how limited
our time together would be

I'm dreading our goodbye
Cold, stonely, backstage wall

Let me be ill
And let me be free
I'm starting to sound like you
Nothing could
Disgust me more

Why do I desire
To be evil
Why do I seek
The fear of others
Why do I feel
No remorse

I've been saying "*******"
a lot more these days

I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

I am no identity
I am a body for the glow to rest on

the prettiest notebook
i'd ever had
had the most pages torn out
witnessed my hope
and witnessed the worst
handed back to me now
i dont know how to feel

I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

I'd rather evaporate

I want to be punched
Any volunteers?

I'm eating ice cream from a bowl
For the first time in a long time
How can I live to die
How have I shaped my life
For the sake of the state of death
I should leave it behind
Let myself listen to electronic music
And not feel guilty
Because it doesn't remind me of mountains

2:24am and I'm sobbing on the couch
I tell her about my road anxiety
And she consoles me in my dreams
Her presence isn't a ghost
And I know I'll be alright
Even if there isn't a way of knowing
I can pretend to forget my mortality
Tomorrow is a good time to tell her
I'll be gone for Colorado the rest of the week
That I fear I'll die driving up a mountain
Or crushed under a passing truck
I'll tell her I know that the fear is irrational
tell her what happened in Bryce Canyon when I was younger
And she will understand
Telling something reassuring
It isnt only in dreams
This is the truth
I'm sobbing on the couch
Pretending I can will my way into returning in one piece
Solely for her
To see her again
To see her at all
When this is finally over

I don't believe
In unconditional love
You don't love
Without expectation
Of something in return
Even if that expectation
Is the feeling it gives you
Rather than their feelings for you
I don't believe
That people will love
Selflessly
That is to say
I know I will never be loved
Because I will never be in a state
To offer

I hope she knows
I do it all in fear of her

Futile
Futile
Shut up
Futile
Futile
Futile

I want to make lifelong friends
And hold them close to my heart
I am grimly
And often preach my solitude
It is the strength I portray
In hopes of ironically drawing in
The affections of those who need
That sort of reliance

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

I'm tired of being told
That wanting to be loved
Is childish

It's starting to get to me
Starting to eat and dig at me
Starting to furrow

What I described months ago in my bedroom
A stranger described just the same in 2008
And I listen to him now
and it opens a portal
There is one man who knows the faux of my emptiness
he doesn't know me, but he knows that I'm there

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

I've always known that I'd die unhappy
Ever since I accepted I would die at all
I don't know why or how
I just know
I'd be lying if I said it didnt hurt

I've already died

Year of the cat
My anthem for letting go

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

you really don't know ****
do you

love doesn't know time
however death does

save me
cut me open

At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

they told me my painting was ominous
While I was thinking
It was pretty self-explanatory

mother gets a call from my sister
I head to the bathroom
And scratch at my face
In my reflection
Nervous habit
Something else had been altered

Uh oh
That time of day