I'm choosing to no longer believe
what anyone tells me about healing
healing is not care or rest
healing
is not sleeping for a week
drinking endless amounts of coffee
writing about isolation
writing about your childhood ghost
and how you've decided
to play your own tricks with time
I am detached and livid
at the assumption that I have processed
anything they've tried to tell me

here i am again
somehow eternally stuck in this position
scrubbing the guilt off your shoulders
as I pack my bags

Handprints on the wall
I'll never know their names
They'll never know our failures
Resting in peace
Without the weight of our legacy
Which has been scrapped thereafter
And withers the print

I want to make lifelong friends
And hold them close to my heart
I am grimly
And often preach my solitude
It is the strength I portray
In hopes of ironically drawing in
The affections of those who need
That sort of reliance

Known to be fond of soft things
I can't feel the mockery
How can they tell me I'm weak
When I have you in my arms

I think one of these days I might try to rhyme

People were shuffling into the halls in tears
I turned to her and said
'I think I have apathy issues'
She told me she loved me
Squeezed my shoulder
I didnt say anymore

I don't get why any of them like me
Hell knows I wouldn't
Ew

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

I hope she knows
I do it all in fear of her

the prettiest notebook
i'd ever had
had the most pages torn out
witnessed my hope
and witnessed the worst
handed back to me now
i dont know how to feel

Let me be ill
And let me be free
I'm starting to sound like you
Nothing could
Disgust me more

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

I am no identity
I am a body for the glow to rest on

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

Futile
Futile
Shut up
Futile
Futile
Futile

I've been saying "*******"
a lot more these days

2:24am and I'm sobbing on the couch
I tell her about my road anxiety
And she consoles me in my dreams
Her presence isn't a ghost
And I know I'll be alright
Even if there isn't a way of knowing
I can pretend to forget my mortality
Tomorrow is a good time to tell her
I'll be gone for Colorado the rest of the week
That I fear I'll die driving up a mountain
Or crushed under a passing truck
I'll tell her I know that the fear is irrational
tell her what happened in Bryce Canyon when I was younger
And she will understand
Telling something reassuring
It isnt only in dreams
This is the truth
I'm sobbing on the couch
Pretending I can will my way into returning in one piece
Solely for her
To see her again
To see her at all
When this is finally over

love doesn't know time
however death does

It's starting to get to me
Starting to eat and dig at me
Starting to furrow

I want to be punched
Any volunteers?

Why do I desire
To be evil
Why do I seek
The fear of others
Why do I feel
No remorse

I miss your handprints
I'll see them again
to leave them all the same
This time once and for all
I have made you my home
Naive,
for I knew exactly how limited
our time together would be

I'm dreading our goodbye
Cold, stonely, backstage wall

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

I've already died

I've always known that I'd die unhappy
Ever since I accepted I would die at all
I don't know why or how
I just know
I'd be lying if I said it didnt hurt

they told me my painting was ominous
While I was thinking
It was pretty self-explanatory

you really don't know ****
do you

Year of the cat
My anthem for letting go

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

mother gets a call from my sister
I head to the bathroom
And scratch at my face
In my reflection
Nervous habit
Something else had been altered

Uh oh
That time of day

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

save me
cut me open