this is another shell
of a poem i deleted moments ago

“I don’t know, but I feel it”
I don’t know, but I feel it
I don’t know, but I feel it
his head on my chest
he can’t fool me
he doesn’t know me
doesn’t know anything
but he knows how to hold me
his hands around my back
if that’s what he’s feeling,
I’m feeling it too
or that’s what my lips are telling him
he doesn’t know me,
but he knows how I breathe
doesn’t care that I sing
for a living
or that I’m living
and some days it doesn’t feel
like I’m living at all
but this boy is internal
he’s reminding my soul
of the body attached to it
detaching it from him
and he pulls me right back
and it’s over for me
for the boy who never knew
and only felt me
something else
stripped of art
I had to force myself apart

just let me feel for this moment
let me forget for this moment
let me fantasize of something simple

moon, you are
my only love
when i remember
that soon we'll be one
that is when i
no longer fear death

I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me

who knows me most
knows me not
it is clear,
she knows me not
he knows me not
and collectively
they know nothing

i wish ppl from home could see this city.
i miss the ppl from home.
i wish ppl here were more kind.
i miss kind ppl.
ok gn

I've thought of myself as open
Carelessly trusting
Does it matter what I say or what people know?
But I suppose it doesnt count
The things I've never spoken of
Just because it's never come up
In conversation
Because those things dont come up in conversation

oh no,
here it comes again
if it feels like you're the only one i confide in,
it's because you are
it's overbearing: an issue
like i'd let that happen again
oh man
here i go again
i'm alone

Today is a day
I never thought I'd make it to
living every day knowing that
no one is promised tomorrow
yet wondering if there is life for me
wondering if i might live
for longer than a moment

one eyebrow painted on
and I remind myself
you either take the man's money
or take yourself to the bridge

this is how it feels
when you're down
and your chest has been binded for so long
and you're far away from everyone you've ever known

and you know you need it
or you know you need something
safe to bring you harm
safe for your destruction

when we meet for the first time,
my body on your mind and your gun on mine,
deconstruct me

if she can do it,
so can I

I am a child
though life is short
I can feel her naivety, her fear
Her freckles have come back
Her eyebrows are grown
I can see only her face
in my small reflection

I am a child and
you are a man
but life is short
so who is to say

I think it's you, for now
You are vague
& you're below
stood in the corner
with an open stance
that's where I saw you today
And the day before
how I think you really
looked at me
for the first time
in a way that wasn't conversational
Tell me about that
I want to hear what you have to say

watching videos on how
suicide is the answer
and wondering why
my mental health is depleting
ayye

The medicine works for *******
I've seen it do worse
To my friends in the ward
If you've found your freedom,
*******

it is the long weekend
How could those days be fading so soon
Fake tattoos on my arms
I've come to terms with
My lack of soul
And I seek only the mission ahead
Where I am to leave
And never be heard from again
But theres a calc test tomorrow
It's too much to ask
For me to set aside my daydreams
Of settling in the void

The glow reaches out to me
For the first time
Wraps its hands around my chest
And firmly grasps the heart
It stares me dead
Swells and dries my eyes
And leaves a frightened yowl
Right into my center
Right into my core
I am riveted
And suddenly aware of the hollow
I can grasp it myself now
I am grasping the glow

Hyperfixations
Why does everything I write
Need to be coded
I realize that everything I say
Is equally so
I feel less alone
When I can say it aloud
Even if it's only underlying

Sometimes it really pays off
To shred your legs
With the tip of a protractor
To grow out your nails
For the purpose
Of sinking them into your skin

resonate
can i tell you of how i met the void?
i long to
but the story itself is too long
i travel only to search for someone
who's ears are as patient
can i tell you of how i met my death?
i long to
if it weren't for my heart that scratches from the inside out
every time i speak of my one unspoken instant
my so solemnly celebrated instant
that haunts me and drives me and revises my charge
i take each step only for the instant that urges me forward
and forwardly marches like a puppet
i am my own string and bones of a larger hand
the one from deeper down
deeper than my own hands can reach or grapple
i can't blame myself for each and every person
i've morphed myself into being
unknowingly, unspoken
i can no longer blame myself
for that of which i have no control, that of which being myself
it is the drive, it is the core, it is the heart, it is the hand,
it is the instant of my death
i long to tell you the story of it
tell me you have the time
but only tell me if you have it
if you are ready to spend the march
not by stopping time
but by defying its presence
by shredding it into something greater than
what we could ever acknowledge it to be
it is the time spent
it is the words spent
it is the surging and the opening
and the long walk into this aching direction
let me tell you this story

bare minimum
wring me as the towel
that I use to wash
from the oil & the pigment
leave me in the faucet

my brain has begun to unravel
the chords unwind and unknot
suddenly my motivations are
each their own separate branch
separate root
of which new inspirations sprout

it is hard to handle and
i feel too plentiful
too filled with words
that have no time to express themselves

time is working against me in this moment
it quickens
so that these ideas never set foot
my own mind whiplashing me
into another moment
when I was not yet finished
with the last

How eternal it all seemed

that word keeps coming back to me
vessel
i am to write my means
in 600 words
what is it I believe in
can I write that I do not believe in anything

Unworthy of a body
I want to destroy myself

suicidal fantasy season
makes my heart tremble
and my hands unstable

when i am unwelcome i am
a corpse walking among
a world that i should no longer exist in

something expired and molded
my presence a stench
unable to decompose

I've lately had the dream
where you look at me and ask
if I sometimes feel we were meant to be
I'm honest when I say yes

A year later, I'm still terrified
In light of everything,
I dont think I'll ever find clarity

what a special time
we were all special people
I can only imagine
the purest form of unity
were our games in the woodchips
one by one
I see you again
I wasnt the only one
Who remembered everything
They, too, remember everything
We've all felt this loneliness
Six years in the void
Are we too weak to reconnect
The lot of us have split

I'm tired
I'm cold
What did I just take
You haven't replied to my texts in days
All I want is to be better for you
Why can't you just say something to my face

There arent any teams
but they're both against me
I live in two houses
And am welcome in neither
I will forever be stuck
Sleeping on this basement couch
Confined and silenced
A servant of time

await me
& forget me
this terminal state
this lawful ending
like an archived scrap
waiting to be trashed

Bruise Blue Sky you
frame the dirt and
draw the courtyard

Nevermind

So
I get it out of you at last
And it occurs to me for the first time
You search for that magical type of love
You, who are unbroken
I tell you, you are it for me

god you're so pretty
god you're so pretty
god you are lovely
I want to hold your waist
I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your words
As you speak to me
in the flesh
I want to secure you
in the flesh
With my affection,
infiltrate you

Bind me
Bind me
Bind me

I dont want to start over

The tears on my pillow won't dry
They've gotten cold
I wait for your reply and
bury myself further into the bed
The weather changes
Impermanently

How can we be when you don't let me near you
How can you wish i was near when i'm 10 minutes on foot away
How can you dream i'm on your doorstep and lock your door

jack white on the radio
i'm headed home,
afraid that im too far
i feel further from you, too
but too many journal entries
are my doubts
and too many closers
are testaments
of your patience with me

Didn't think id make it this long
Accepted that im done for
Not sure if ill wake up but if I do
What will it mean for me
Accepted that im meaningless
or at least dont want a meaning anymore
I just want to be done for

Dont get too close
Or I'll get cocky
Stare in awe
Only when distanced
And self-depricated
From that my pedestal is built
You see me raised
In my only light
When yourself lowers

I repeat the ******'s word like he was meant
to live within me
I say it like an anthem
as if death took form and walked through my door
and gave me words to worship
as some personal salvation
it invades my nightly silence:
"I am young enough to repaint and
old enough to sell"
I make it a multitude of myself

I think some of us are still hopeless
by the end of it
They went through a rough patch &
got over it
but not all of us can
I think some of us are born
Knowing that our end
would be the result of our own hands

Look at me worry
As if there are any consequences
Tomorrow I will fail
& so tonight, I might also, as well

exiting out of **** sites to google
life advice from morticians