A rose long risen will whither
Imprison it’s blushed palm
At the sight of you
Who do you see
in your reflection? Your
complexion puts to shame
the foliage unnamed who
bloom for all to view
But you
A shine in the dirt
A spark in the night
May hide away from all of sight
But I
Can see you clearly
Quartz and Garnet
Beams of light with
Rays of gold and red, you
Paint the sunrise Scarlet

what a special time
we were all special people
I can only imagine
the purest form of unity
were our games in the woodchips
one by one
I see you again
I wasnt the only one
Who remembered everything
They, too, remember everything
We've all felt this loneliness
Six years in the void
Are we too weak to reconnect
The lot of us have split

a little bit manic
and a little bit dreary
there's not a soul left
for me to turn to
so i spit out poems
on a website with strangers
it won't help, won't fill the void
but it's the best i can do
at least i'm doing it

“I don’t know, but I feel it”
I don’t know, but I feel it
I don’t know, but I feel it
his head on my chest
he can’t fool me
he doesn’t know me
doesn’t know anything
but he knows how to hold me
his hands around my back
if that’s what he’s feeling,
I’m feeling it too
or that’s what my lips are telling him
he doesn’t know me,
but he knows how I breathe
doesn’t care that I sing
for a living
or that I’m living
and some days it doesn’t feel
like I’m living at all
but this boy is internal
he’s reminding my soul
of the body attached to it
detaching it from him
and he pulls me right back
and it’s over for me
for the boy who never knew
and only felt me
something else
stripped of art
I had to force myself apart

The medicine works for *******
I've seen it do worse
To my friends in the ward
If you've found your freedom,
*******

Today is a day
I never thought I'd make it to
living every day knowing that
no one is promised tomorrow
yet wondering if there is life for me
wondering if i might live
for longer than a moment

I was out again this evening
the prairie fields are already dying
my final farewell to summer, I suppose
Adventure of desire
turned to desire for adventure
I'll blame it on my horoscope and laugh
It didn't matter,
as long as I could still see the mountains
from the rearview mirror
I felt everything at once,
feeling swarming like pigments
before the muddy, brown crash
From omnipotence to pure isolation
A month of tired, restless hysteria
I may hold no expectation,
but still with my hopes I must be careful
As long as the void prevails,
I am my own creator
But the prairie is dying
and so I presume my morning routine

My dad is the only man on Earth
who doesn't assume that
he was "The One Who Hurt Me"

and I think that, in itself,
is quite ironic

you've been relentless
i'm reaching my limit
i've never made such a mess on my face
washing off mascara has never been such a *****
no one knows a thing
no one knows a thing
not one person
if I felt better, I would walk downstairs
I would see what you were up to
I'd be friendly, I'd work with it
I did
but the moment you saw me
you had to tear me down
right back where I came from,
in a matter of seconds
it's amazing how easy we can shut ourselves off
it's amazing how i'm giving you all the signs
and somehow they all slip passed you
you'll slip pass me soon
never thought I'd have to prepare to leave you too
you were the only one
the one I thought knew me the best
out of everyone
you, too?
that's truly it for me then
i'm gone
i'll be here a while longer
but i'm gone
i'll forgive you
but i won't forget

one of the worst feelings
is being too depressed to *******

if she can do it,
so can I

some part of me still has hope
it constitutes my fear
I can never be numb
there is only suffering

resonate
can i tell you of how i met the void?
i long to
but the story itself is too long
i travel only to search for someone
who's ears are as patient
can i tell you of how i met my death?
i long to
if it weren't for my heart that scratches from the inside out
every time i speak of my one unspoken instant
my so solemnly celebrated instant
that haunts me and drives me and revises my charge
i take each step only for the instant that urges me forward
and forwardly marches like a puppet
i am my own string and bones of a larger hand
the one from deeper down
deeper than my own hands can reach or grapple
i can't blame myself for each and every person
i've morphed myself into being
unknowingly, unspoken
i can no longer blame myself
for that of which i have no control, that of which being myself
it is the drive, it is the core, it is the heart, it is the hand,
it is the instant of my death
i long to tell you the story of it
tell me you have the time
but only tell me if you have it
if you are ready to spend the march
not by stopping time
but by defying its presence
by shredding it into something greater than
what we could ever acknowledge it to be
it is the time spent
it is the words spent
it is the surging and the opening
and the long walk into this aching direction
let me tell you this story

To all my friends posting about how 'for the first time, christmas doesn't feel the same'.........................
...... cringe

I am a child
though life is short
I can feel her naivety, her fear
Her freckles have come back
Her eyebrows are grown
I can see only her face
in my small reflection

I am a child and
you are a man
but life is short
so who is to say

tell me, and i tell you
here i go again, i'll slip, just for you
let's try this again
accuse me of the upper hand
with one look you demand your distance
but I'm just like you,
you haven't been there yet is all
I'll be there when the time comes
for now, I'm okay with pretending

one eyebrow painted on
and I remind myself
you either take the man's money
or take yourself to the bridge

this is how it feels
when you're down
and your chest has been binded for so long
and you're far away from everyone you've ever known

and you know you need it
or you know you need something
safe to bring you harm
safe for your destruction

when we meet for the first time,
my body on your mind and your gun on mine,
deconstruct me

The glow reaches out to me
For the first time
Wraps its hands around my chest
And firmly grasps the heart
It stares me dead
Swells and dries my eyes
And leaves a frightened yowl
Right into my center
Right into my core
I am riveted
And suddenly aware of the hollow
I can grasp it myself now
I am grasping the glow

there goes a bit of my life spent on you
and my heart
my chest is squeezed like an orange beneath my ribcage
my esophagus is crying
or that's how i feel
please dont take this from me
the little lighthouse youve built in my sea

I've thought of myself as open
Carelessly trusting
Does it matter what I say or what people know?
But I suppose it doesnt count
The things I've never spoken of
Just because it's never come up
In conversation
Because those things dont come up in conversation

I dont want to start over

who knows me most
knows me not
it is clear,
she knows me not
he knows me not
and collectively
they know nothing

just let me feel for this moment
let me forget for this moment
let me fantasize of something simple

I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me

How eternal it all seemed

I've lately had the dream
where you look at me and ask
if I sometimes feel we were meant to be
I'm honest when I say yes

Nevermind

suicidal fantasy season
makes my heart tremble
and my hands unstable

when i am unwelcome i am
a corpse walking among
a world that i should no longer exist in

something expired and molded
my presence a stench
unable to decompose

Sometimes it really pays off
To shred your legs
With the tip of a protractor
To grow out your nails
For the purpose
Of sinking them into your skin

I went downstairs
And my mother gave me a strange look
She heard a thud & assumed
I'd hanged myself
I can see myself dangling
But that never happened
I dont know how to tie a noose
My friend texted me
Saying she had a dream that I died
She asked me if I was alive
I sure thought I was
I've been time-hopping
A lot more this month
I really have been
Getting my own timeline mixed up
I'll accidentally slip into the past
Red brick and pink nails
Or I'll feel myself experiencing the future too early
That means I have yet to live, doesnt it?
Or does it mean I have been spared?
Does God know that I've begun
to reconsider His presence?
Or is it another force that mocks me
And dangles me on this thread
For yet another day
I lit a candle today
The flame felt cursed

my brain has begun to unravel
the chords unwind and unknot
suddenly my motivations are
each their own separate branch
separate root
of which new inspirations sprout

it is hard to handle and
i feel too plentiful
too filled with words
that have no time to express themselves

time is working against me in this moment
it quickens
so that these ideas never set foot
my own mind whiplashing me
into another moment
when I was not yet finished
with the last

The tears on my pillow won't dry
They've gotten cold
I wait for your reply and
bury myself further into the bed
The weather changes
Impermanently

watching videos on how
suicide is the answer
and wondering why
my mental health is depleting
ayye

I feel wrong in my age
Wrong in that
To be in any other body
Than that when I was ten
Is to stretch and tear and wear me down
I am worn
I feel old
I feel my skin sagging over the muscle
The muscle sagging over the bone
I am the last breath of a murdered corpse
I am the last of my friends
The last of my family
My lack of power
Is shown through shaking fingers
Protruding bones
I am wrong

oh no,
here it comes again
if it feels like you're the only one i confide in,
it's because you are
it's overbearing: an issue
like i'd let that happen again
oh man
here i go again
i'm alone

Bind me
Bind me
Bind me

I repeat the ******'s word like he was meant
to live within me
I say it like an anthem
as if death took form and walked through my door
and gave me words to worship
as some personal salvation
it invades my nightly silence:
"I am young enough to repaint and
old enough to sell"
I make it a multitude of myself

I think it's you, for now
You are vague
& you're below
stood in the corner
with an open stance
that's where I saw you today
And the day before
how I think you really
looked at me
for the first time
in a way that wasn't conversational
Tell me about that
I want to hear what you have to say

I'm tired
I'm cold
What did I just take
You haven't replied to my texts in days
All I want is to be better for you
Why can't you just say something to my face

Look at me worry
As if there are any consequences
Tomorrow I will fail
& so tonight, I might also, as well

Congratulations!
for some reason
this kinda ****
is the reason I got abandonment issues

Unworthy of a body
I want to destroy myself

So
I get it out of you at last
And it occurs to me for the first time
You search for that magical type of love
You, who are unbroken
I tell you, you are it for me

Bruise Blue Sky you
frame the dirt and
draw the courtyard

bare minimum
wring me as the towel
that I use to wash
from the oil & the pigment
leave me in the faucet

Oh god oh
**** me **** me **** me
Devour me while I rest
Lest I wake up
I'll never worship furthermore
Where I never worshiped
In the first place

I knew from when
You shaved off your eyebrows
I knew from the stubble
I get it, you get it,
We've all heard it,
But I could swallow your eyes whole
I want to worship your cheek
Frame your face with my own
I thought I was empty
You make me dream of sitting in the rain
You remind me of my life
I want to cherish yours

Didn't think id make it this long
Accepted that im done for
Not sure if ill wake up but if I do
What will it mean for me
Accepted that im meaningless
or at least dont want a meaning anymore
I just want to be done for