Theres one picture I want to paint
However that may be
I need to grasp
This loneliness
I need to see it in front of me

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

resonate
can i tell you of how i met the void?
i long to
but the story itself is too long
i travel only to search for someone
who's ears are as patient
can i tell you of how i met my death?
i long to
if it weren't for my heart that scratches from the inside out
every time i speak of my one unspoken instant
my so solemnly celebrated instant
that haunts me and drives me and revises my charge
i take each step only for the instant that urges me forward
and forwardly marches like a puppet
i am my own string and bones of a larger hand
the one from deeper down
deeper than my own hands can reach or grapple
i can't blame myself for each and every person
i've morphed myself into being
unknowingly, unspoken
i can no longer blame myself
for that of which i have no control, that of which being myself
it is the drive, it is the core, it is the heart, it is the hand,
it is the instant of my death
i long to tell you the story of it
tell me you have the time
but only tell me if you have it
if you are ready to spend the march
not by stopping time
but by defying its presence
by shredding it into something greater than
what we could ever acknowledge it to be
it is the time spent
it is the words spent
it is the surging and the opening
and the long walk into this aching direction
let me tell you this story

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

What I described months ago in my bedroom
A stranger described just the same in 2008
And I listen to him now
and it opens a portal
There is one man who knows the faux of my emptiness
he doesn't know me, but he knows that I'm there

At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

Everything that comes out
it is manipulative
it is lonely
I can't force the connection

Hyperfixations
Why does everything I write
Need to be coded
I realize that everything I say
Is equally so
I feel less alone
When I can say it aloud
Even if it's only underlying

It's starting to get to me
Starting to eat and dig at me
Starting to furrow

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

god you're so pretty
god you're so pretty
god you are lovely
I want to hold your waist
I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your words
As you speak to me
in the flesh
I want to secure you
in the flesh
With my affection,
infiltrate you

The glow reaches out to me
For the first time
Wraps its hands around my chest
And firmly grasps the heart
It stares me dead
Swells and dries my eyes
And leaves a frightened yowl
Right into my center
Right into my core
I am riveted
And suddenly aware of the hollow
I can grasp it myself now
I am grasping the glow

A new kind of loneliness
That is all too familiar
The first kind,
The last kind
Behind the glow
Unspoken to
They don't believe in my self

Let me be ill
And let me be free
I'm starting to sound like you
Nothing could
Disgust me more

There arent any teams
but they're both against me
I live in two houses
And am welcome in neither
I will forever be stuck
Sleeping on this basement couch
Confined and silenced
A servant of time

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

Cant go on
I cant go on
I cant go on

Your lover isnt right
Your lover is simple
Your lover will whither
In the presence of you
With the weight of you
When you enter the air
They wish they were
The air, too
And they'll only whither
And you'll only watch

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

Bind me
Bind me
Bind me

Unworthy of a body
I want to destroy myself

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

I went downstairs
And my mother gave me a strange look
She heard a thud & assumed
I'd hanged myself
I can see myself dangling
But that never happened
I dont know how to tie a noose
My friend texted me
Saying she had a dream that I died
She asked me if I was alive
I sure thought I was
I've been time-hopping
A lot more this month
I really have been
Getting my own timeline mixed up
I'll accidentally slip into the past
Red brick and pink nails
Or I'll feel myself experiencing the future too early
That means I have yet to live, doesnt it?
Or does it mean I have been spared?
Does God know that I've begun
to reconsider His presence?
Or is it another force that mocks me
And dangles me on this thread
For yet another day
I lit a candle today
The flame felt cursed

Get out of my heart
I dont need a reminder
Of the stone in my future
I dont wish to grasp you
If I cant forever

what a special time
we were all special people
I can only imagine
the purest form of unity
were our games in the woodchips
one by one
I see you again
I wasnt the only one
Who remembered everything
They, too, remember everything
We've all felt this loneliness
Six years in the void
Are we too weak to reconnect
The lot of us have split

Sometimes it really pays off
To shred your legs
With the tip of a protractor
To grow out your nails
For the purpose
Of sinking them into your skin

Does my skin have to feel like paper
From the inside out
Do I have to feel so gutted and hallow
A stringy shell
An awful stench
An emptied corpse
I want to dig within it

Dont get too close
Or I'll get cocky
Stare in awe
Only when distanced
And self-depricated
From that my pedestal is built
You see me raised
In my only light
When yourself lowers

How many letters
Murmur the name of hide and seek
Where the seeker has always been
An undesirable position

Why do I desire
To be evil
Why do I seek
The fear of others
Why do I feel
No remorse

I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

How eternal it all seemed

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

Handprints on the wall
I'll never know their names
They'll never know our failures
Resting in peace
Without the weight of our legacy
Which has been scrapped thereafter
And withers the print

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

Complete disregard
To the extent of your exposure
How vile could I be
My empathy is in vain

I despise your envy
I am not the cause of your self-pity
I am my own to worry of

there's no more me

fell out of my fingers
i've lost the keys
i can't hear,
and i can't see it
it may never return
i have nothing of my own
and nothing of myself

my parents thought it was cool of me
to be so independent
they thought it was cool of me
to recoil from affection
thought it was cool
that during 5th grade
I'd hold a knife to my heart
instead of the steak
they aren't red flags
if they make you 'special'
if you survive,
you aren't suicidal

that word keeps coming back to me
vessel
i am to write my means
in 600 words
what is it I believe in
can I write that I do not believe in anything

if she can do it,
so can I

I've been saying "*******"
a lot more these days

Congratulations!
for some reason
this kinda ****
is the reason I got abandonment issues

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

I don't get why any of them like me
Hell knows I wouldn't
Ew

Uh oh
That time of day

I've always known that I'd die unhappy
Ever since I accepted I would die at all
I don't know why or how
I just know
I'd be lying if I said it didnt hurt

save me
cut me open