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Jan 2020 · 21
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
mother gets a call from my sister
I head to the bathroom
And scratch at my face
In my reflection
Nervous habit
Something else had been altered
Jan 2020 · 26
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
I want to be punched
Any volunteers?
Jan 2020 · 42
mama
winter Jan 2020
I made my mother cry
Hurts to see I'll never change
Jan 2020 · 53
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
bare minimum
wring me as the towel
that I use to wash
from the oil & the pigment
leave me in the faucet
Jan 2020 · 56
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
The medicine works for *******
I've seen it do worse
To my friends in the ward
If you've found your freedom,
*******
Jan 2020 · 36
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
I don't believe
In unconditional love
You don't love
Without expectation
Of something in return
Even if that expectation
Is the feeling it gives you
Rather than their feelings for you
I don't believe
That people will love
Selflessly
That is to say
I know I will never be loved
Because I will never be in a state
To offer
Jan 2020 · 30
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
Futile
Futile
Shut up
Futile
Futile
Futile
Jan 2020 · 49
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
await me
& forget me
this terminal state
this lawful ending
like an archived scrap
waiting to be trashed
Jan 2020 · 25
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
you really don't know ****
do you
Jan 2020 · 42
notebook
winter Jan 2020
she is so terribly personal
do i burn her?
but she is so terribly beautiful
i'll rip the pages out again
soon she'll be only her exterior
Jan 2020 · 31
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
the prettiest notebook
i'd ever had
had the most pages torn out
witnessed my hope
and witnessed the worst
handed back to me now
i dont know how to feel
Jan 2020 · 66
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
digitally dirtied
is my poetry
no erase marks
to document the delete button
delete myself amiright
Jan 2020 · 59
r/wpd
winter Jan 2020
watching videos on how
suicide is the answer
and wondering why
my mental health is depleting
ayye
Dec 2019 · 514
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
I should have died
a long time ago
Dec 2019 · 72
bpd
winter Dec 2019
bpd
people only care for
those who can uplift them
countlessly
and at no cost
that is why my mother
no longer cares for me
Dec 2019 · 101
nothing
winter Dec 2019
my spine is cracking more
these days
what happened to my pen
that used to litter my journals
with chicken scratches
that were more raw
than this clarity will ever be
why did I turn her off
and shut her away
where she now erupts
my mother says I've gotten smaller
and look for once like a child
I feel, for once, like a child
Everything I'm feeling,
I've felt once before
that horrifies me
comfort in dreaming
reliance in hope
I am building myself to fall
but I'm pretending not to know
feigning ignorance
to comfort my lack of motivation
to console the last shot
I'm young enough to do it all over
old enough for it to mean nothing
Dec 2019 · 580
Ghibli vibes
winter Dec 2019
I've decided to renounce the world
Build a walking house
And eat enchanted bacon
Dec 2019 · 70
yall took a while huh
winter Dec 2019
To all my friends posting about how 'for the first time, christmas doesn't feel the same'.........................
...... cringe
Dec 2019 · 224
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
Futile
Is a good word for it
Dec 2019 · 460
gr
winter Dec 2019
gr
I need to stop writing
poetry about boys
Dec 2019 · 58
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
I think it's you, for now
You are vague
& you're below
stood in the corner
with an open stance
that's where I saw you today
And the day before
how I think you really
looked at me
for the first time
in a way that wasn't conversational
Tell me about that
I want to hear what you have to say
Dec 2019 · 216
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
& after tonight,
it’s been made clear
I really need someone
Dec 2019 · 108
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
how can I live blindly
are they hiding the fact
that there is nothing to see
Dec 2019 · 69
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
some part of me still has hope
it constitutes my fear
I can never be numb
there is only suffering
Dec 2019 · 98
2yrs going strong
winter Dec 2019
my youth was stolen by my love.
I brought myself to life
and paid the price.
I remember the moments
when my heart wasn’t beating,
a moment of you between the beats.
I change the story every time
but that one moment remains

I will age with it & die with it
my chant for when I sleep
and when I wake in the morning
I can’t remember how to cope with it
a journal by my bedside
to keep track of what to think
I cannot think, if not of you

My epitaph
my memoir

I crumble and become your absence
Dec 2019 · 216
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
if I am not bipolar
then I cannot be saved
Nov 2019 · 88
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
I am loveless
I am unloving
I don’t want to live
Nov 2019 · 329
another everyman poem
winter Nov 2019
what is my pain
to another’s love
not that it was meant for me
but i like to peer upon it
from outside
why does their love
amplify the hurt
why do i envy
their comfort
Nov 2019 · 130
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
i know
they don’t want me around
i’m working on
keeping quiet
Nov 2019 · 101
duffle pt 2
winter Nov 2019
not right for me
not right for me
that is something you know
but i haven’t yet caught on
maybe it’s only the play
maybe i’ll want you after
how can i tolerate myself
if i’m not over you by then
Nov 2019 · 118
duffel
winter Nov 2019
please
please
you remind me
of a boy much taller
you remind me of a tower
but you will not collapse
why do i
study your face
like you study the script
i haven't given it the time of day
maybe i miss the feeling
i wish i missed myself
there's nothing i can do
to come back
but you remind me of a boy
who was much worse
you didn't say goodbye to me today
you won't tomorrow
alright
Nov 2019 · 182
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
my worst fear
is to remain conscious
after death
that's how I'm feeling now
Nov 2019 · 91
annika (again)
winter Nov 2019
I was always the main character in my narrative
until I met you
I had never felt that I was living with such purpose
as when I lived with you
I loved you as I love my mother
You are gone, and the purpose is lost
I feel empty, now you are gone
If I've upset you again
there is no greater failure
and my prevalence holds no truth
Nov 2019 · 384
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
i’ve lived for so long already
feels like i’m already dead
Nov 2019 · 125
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
It started with my mother
“Cat, you are a beauty”
“You look like your father, with a touch of beauty”
“You look like your father, with a hint of me”
“You look like your father”
Nov 2019 · 118
annual
winter Nov 2019
“It’s been a rough week”
My freshman english teacher
and my freshman debate coach
both look only to me
as an affirmation,
as opposed to a reminder
that it hasn’t only
started this week
Nov 2019 · 96
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
my friends i know don’t want me to stay
they can sense i feel the same way
in that i am unfit as a person
i do not want their help
& they do not want to help me
that’s how it’s still working
Nov 2019 · 75
co-star
winter Nov 2019
"You're pupils are a lot more dilated"

I know it isn't you
it's your proximity
I feel nothing but guilt
for allowing myself
to project this loneliness onto you

I tell you it's only the lights
Nov 2019 · 76
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
I am a vessel
for what, I do not know
Nov 2019 · 733
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
I reveal myself and I am lesser
I will never
be loved
by the likes of them
Nov 2019 · 184
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
I’ve lost my narrative
Nov 2019 · 90
the pen
winter Nov 2019
It isn't paranoia
but the fear that has been following
Waiting for my word and for my pen
premonitions of the sword
that which men may have sheathed
though their waists still not unscathed
The lack of rhythm in each year
however steep the run can be
November always seems
to be the downbeat
It does not care whether we've moved on
or whether we cared at all
Still it holds you to that point
and it dares you to speak
inversed by the genie
of the very next morning
I did not mean, and did not wish
to find the pulse within my own
living, breathing, grieve-ish
body in disguise of a person,
in disguise of a tomb
I regress while you digress
and it can only be unfair
that I am worn, but I'm extended
apprehended by the likes of vacancy
and vacancy alone
I tell the tale to the dirt itself
the rubble I intend
to sink within and sink without
a means to any end
no mighty sword to **** the pen
where the pen has left my hand
where Divinity's demands
demand for more
than the sword
and the pen
who cannot bargain for his own
and cannot bargain with no hand
I will not pick it up
for I refuse to understand
the purpose of a Lord
and the meaning of command
where I am to live
in place of those who wish to
and I am to speak
to ground in those who can't
and the rhythm is lost
and the gateway is clear
that something new was meant for me here
&from nothing, I'm now bound to believe:
without the pen, the hand is clean
Nov 2019 · 125
prayer
winter Nov 2019
I hear a noise that is simple
a ringing that may suffice my temper
If I can find the substance
which allows my mind to whirl
like a spool un-spun,
dissolving into a single thread
the single point that I believe myself
to descend into mortality
and rid of my own conscience
My, spine, undone, will lead my way
through an abyss of my own creation
to part from myself and love the soil
to become the roots rather than possess them
it is a dream that I will have only now
a fantasy that will die together with me
until I am no longer together myself
but an unending string, webbed in coincidence
with a prayer on my tomb,
and the earth on my lips
Oct 2019 · 547
Untitled
winter Oct 2019
prevalence in the absence of light
I seek a remedy that may live without the sun
for the sun may never come
and I may never leave
if this journey I will to embark
moves in beams
and stalls for wake
Oct 2019 · 78
Untitled
winter Oct 2019
I have an optimistic take
on applying string theory
to the afterlife
that there are forms in which
I can give my living body
to oblivion
as a prerequisite
to the potential disintegration
of my string of thought
that it will be reduced
to only a string
and with a voidal imitation
I am already easing my way
Oct 2019 · 399
full
winter Oct 2019
If I can sing
however that may be
my soul as a poem
will never end
I will never die
for performance
is my eternal thread
when the conscience
descends into a string
the ring will still be there
Oct 2019 · 362
Untitled
winter Oct 2019
no one will ever find me
no one will ever know me
no one will ever see the sadness & stay
no one will ever find me
no one will ever hold me
or tell me I’m alive when I think that I’m dead
no eyes that are watching
no ears that are listening
no one will ever see me
no one might ever hear me
they leave me a puzzle unsolved
it’s not that I’m tricky
just not what they’re used to
but with me, they believe,
their efforts will be wasted
all I need is one person
and a person, I need
Oct 2019 · 217
Untitled
winter Oct 2019
time is a snow globe
and perception is the flakes
winter Sep 2019
i thought that your heartbreak: circa 2017
had built me to handle my own
& alone I have been
& alone I have lived
I was wrong, but couldn’t have known
I hadn’t known that isolation
made me brittle enough to break
to crumble under the faintest touch
fingertips
that long have been sought
and all I know is the ache
winter Sep 2019
“I don’t know, but I feel it”
I don’t know, but I feel it
I don’t know, but I feel it
his head on my chest
he can’t fool me
he doesn’t know me
doesn’t know anything
but he knows how to hold me
his hands around my back
if that’s what he’s feeling,
I’m feeling it too
or that’s what my lips are telling him
he doesn’t know me,
but he knows how I breathe
doesn’t care that I sing
for a living
or that I’m living
and some days it doesn’t feel
like I’m living at all
but this boy is internal
he’s reminding my soul
of the body attached to it
detaching it from him
and he pulls me right back
and it’s over for me
for the boy who never knew
and only felt me
something else
stripped of art
I had to force myself apart
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