Ropes and chains
Twine and twigs
Every ounce of burden
Straining, straining
Step again, drag my feet
Too heavy, it's too heavy

Crumple like paper
Knees in the mud
Weight on my shoulders
Sinking, sinking

Shouts and screams
Fall deaf on my ear
All I've ever heard
Now as silence

Spit while I'm down
Useless, I'm useless
Selfish for want of freedom
I owe you this
You insist I owe you this

Slaves do not dream
Do not think on things
Other than the master's approval
This is what you've done
This is why I am

To serve, to serve
Faithful, without question
To validate your own life
That, you say is my purpose

I'm crawling
But you add more weight
Sinking, sinking
You tell me to stay
Trap me with your ropes and chains

I slip, you threaten
To cast me out
To wolves and beasts
And vicious criminals

To cast me out of these walls
You scream
To leave me to fend for myself
In an existence of terror

"No!" I beg, I try harder
"Please, strike again!"
I beg for the pain
The pain is love

The whip is love
The shouting is love
These walls, these chains,
Love and protection,
Protection

Tie me down
To a place of expectations
That are self serving
To a world of rules
Of certainty

I trusted you
I believed in you
Believed I was doing the right thing
Blinded by your ignorance
As you taught it to me

Trapped, trapped
I can't move
You taught me
To not want to

Those wolves,
I can hear them
Laughing behind you
Laughing is wicked
You taught me that

Laughter is delusion
Is cruel
This is real,
This is certain,
This is safe
That is what you said

I look to that laughter
In disgust
What is that garish brightness?
It must be one of their tricks,
One of their deceptions

"It is light,"
Someone calls from
Behind your wall of safety
What is light?
It must be bad

There is none here,
And things not here are not good
It must mean lies
Light must be
Deception

You hit again
For looking
I should not look
It will lead me astray
Please, let me stay I beg

But it haunts me
That curious light
I do not know what it is
You do not know what it is
I want to see

What is that light?
That star behind you
Do stars exist?
In what is that, air?

My eyes sneak past you
Past the door
You yell at me for looking
But you always yell
I don't hear
But I see
For the first time, I see

Is that green stuff on the ground?
Not mud, not unyielding stone
Something soft, something gentle
Do such things exist?

"Grass," the distant voice names
Grass… it is something
Can something so different be?
What does it do?
What is its purpose?
To serve?

"No, not to serve,"
Then what?
Why does it exist, if not to serve?
To serve…

You add more weight,
To remind me
Remind me,
Of my place

There is familiarity,
Familiarity in rock and stone
And pain
I could ask you to strike me

One more time
So I could feel the love
You taught me
That is what pain means

Grass is scary
Flowers are scary
Sun, wind, sea,
These pleasantries that are
Evil in your eyes

But they beckon to me

I shift in the mud
Of this home
Restless
Restlessness is new
Restlessness is dangerous

HALT! You do not want me
Looking that way
Halt, stay,
Obey, obey,
Head down
More weight

I don't think to question
But I look
I look to see
Something different

Something so soft,
Something so sweet
How does it taste?
How does it feel?

Like evil, you say
Like the destruction of certainty
And society
And all that makes us strong

I almost believe
You sound so sure
You taught me never to question
And for so long I knew it was right

But… that light…

I take step forward
You scream and snap your whips
Dishonor, dishonor

They are like hugs
As you have taught
Out of love
I open my mouth to ask
"Disrespect, Disrespect!"

Anger, fury
I am disobeying
I dare question,
This world you have built
Out of rules and ignorance

Another step,
The burden is slipping
Disappointment,
Disappointment

That light ahead
Feels good
Feels warm
Feels right

So strange that
There be happiness
Outside of certainty
Outside of law

"Stop stop!
I will cast you out
I will disown you
And you will never return!"

You shame me
With claims of hate
Of betrayal
I betrayed, I betrayed

Your orders
Are the orders
Of nature, you say
And I disobey them

"Betrayal, Betrayal"
But the 'wolves' say "Courage"
What is courage?
Courage is good? Or bad?

What do those smiles mean?
Can a face truly be that way?
How can this exist, if it is
Against nature

No,
It is against
Your nature
Something, something
Outside of your world
Exists

I am in awe
Fascination, imagination
There is color, there is life
All of these things I never knew

It draws me forward
This world outside of my own
Things I cannot name
Warmth and faith

"Betrayal, betrayal,"
But you
You dare not follow
You lock the gate behind me

"Never return,
Never return"
You growl,
You threaten
You turn your back on me
On one you claimed to love
Through slaps and whips

I am scared
Of not knowing
These soft colored
Blossoms

But you…
I realize,
I think,
For myself

You… you instead are afraid of knowing of them.
Your walls, I see now
I can see
Built with rules
Built with eyes closed
So you can feel safe

You protect yourself
You shut me out
I am contaminated
I am evil

I am not you,
Betrayal, Betrayal
I disappointed you
I am not welcome

There are fingers through my hand
There is softness in this touch
If pain means love, does this mean hate?
I don't understand

An embrace
This is soft
This is good
This light is the world

And to look back on yours
Yours is small, is closed, narrow
Cold and dense as stone
Unyielding, Unyielding

So small, so dark
"So safe"
You would argue
But I pity you

You feel strong
You command those beneath you
As little as they are
You feel safe

But I walk away
And see sky
See possibility
I feel fear, I feel uncertainty

But I feel freedom
I feel grass,
I feel light,
I feel love,

I feel life, I feel life.

He knew she'd never leave.
Mistakes become true testaments of love supposedly, women tend to accept a man's wrongs as a way to show their loyalty.
Sticking through thick and thin, while their men
skip and skim through options.
I was an option.
Somedays I was proud to be his safe haven, his lover, most of all his friend.
I was in love with the comfort and knowing he'd would always be there.
Other days I was lonely. When hours past and there was no sign of him I assumed I had ran my course.
That she had returned, but we both knew she had never left or planned on leaving.
I knew I was in love when the pain became more painful.
As I spent each holiday alone, my reflection mocked me.
I questioned which I'd rather be a secret or a mockery.
I still don't know personally.
The women, or "girls" with the relationships we envy  I've noticed seem to rather be made mockeries.
You see a strong, confident, beautiful, intelligent, and independent lady become weak, cowardly, dependent, clingy, oblivious, insecure, and naive.
The denial is their safe haven.
Well he was mine.
I became all of the above, except naive.
I always knew.
He always knew I'd leave, and deep down I knew it too.

Pit walls...
I despair,
I'm cold, I'm alone, I cannot draw air,

You knew angels were going to leave me,
You said God was my life's key,
You fail to see, my lock only opens to reveal more misery,
You made me believe me my heart would soon mend,
You led me to the beginning of my weary painful end,

My heart has not mended, my wounds have not healed,
Yet my fate is not over so therefore it cannot be sealed,

You promised me love!
You promised me you!
You promised me your love was equal and true,

So why have you left your footprints in my heart and not the sand?
In this pit, I hold onto hope, can you not see me holding out my hand?
Please grab it, please hold me, please love and adore thee,

....

But here I am, cold, alone, my heart stripped and bare,
Where the angels have left me *like you they don't care.

I know there is a sense of
freedom waiting for me, in the rooms
of a house yet to be mine. Striding

through this spaciousness. Even if
I am a captive in my own home I will
still know to be alive only on

the inside.

Even if there was no light, it would
be part of my being, a very essence pervaded
in truth but this, not really a knowing.

I am my heart, and in it, my soul
knows its freedom. God, how I would love to
die for what I believe in but dead is

not how they want to have me.
Left in chains and broken spirited, I was
already tried through a society in a

world seeking to weigh me down by
taking away what ties me. To my family, my
friends, my fellow human beings, and what

keeps my feet on solid grounds. What I
know transcends down into humanity, even
if actions of violent men are

void of sanity.


© October 9, 2012