One of the best feelings ever
Is when I finally
Get to be alone
And feel the relief of removing the mask
Of a normal, calm person

I can let out the breath
I didn't even know I was holding
And I can finally be
The weird specimen
That is me

People
We are like colors
Of different shades
And different materials

Some preferred more than others
But no matter those differences
Together
We make a painting
On this giant canvas
That is our life on earth

And like all art
Some love this messy painting
Abstract and complicated
"Beautiful!"
They exclaim

And some think
"Orange and blue?
What idiot would do that?
I need to tell them that they're wrong
What's their name?"

She just told me
The same thing everyone else did
"Try meditation
don't be on your screens after 8
Drink tea
Don't eat"
And I've tried even more things
None it worked
They never work
For as long as I remember
I have had to stare up at the ceiling fan
And wish to sleep
To rest
But I never could
And I fear I never will
I really want that to change
But the same old advice
That everyone gives for this
Simply doesn't work for me

I am so mad
And I know anger is other emotions wearing a mask
So here are they:
Sad
Hopeless
Depressed
Frustrated
Scared
And more that don't even have words
Mostly them

Snow flakes fall
Look like they will stick to the ground,
Build up
Make something wonderful

But when they finally reach it
They melt
They go away
Like my dreams of building a snow man

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

What?

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

No...there isn't

It is, trust me it's there!

I know what's in my closet, what you're doing isn't fair

He's crying out for help, he's there, he's there!

I will not doubt myself
I saw there was nothing to be seen

But please...

Why do you care?

Because I made a mess in there...

I see
Please go far far away from me

It's okay
Its okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
You're okay
You're okay
Everything will be okay
Okay?
You're okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
Breathe and everything will be okay


I feel like I'll never be okay...

The heart
Is not an *****
As many think

The heart is a muscle

Does the fact that mine was crushed far too often
Make it weak
Or make it strong?

Even the moon changes,
Develops,
After time,
becomes whole
So why can't you?

I mean,
you kind of do
But like the moon you
always go back
It's just not as gradual

I think of you both at night
Except with you
It makes me unable to sleep

At least the moon is up there in the sky
Just looking pretty
And following my car
Catching my eye
Making me smile
Not making me cry

I love the moon
But that's weird because
Is it's similar to you

I want to scream
So loudly
That world will stop spinning for a second
And acknowledge that I'm angry

That the ground will collapse
Deep enough for me to fall into
And never come out

That time will stop
Maybe for an hour or two
Or maybe forever

When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

You don't deserve my tears
But I deserve to let myself cry

Feeling as if I
Am fraud lying to me
About everything
Sometimes

Hard to explain
But I can't help feeling this way

Nothing is ugly
Like nothing is beautiful

These are mere ideas
Just concepts really
Opinions

So when we could easily be
A beautiful concept
We choose to use the word
"Ugly"

Both are wrong
Both are right

You decide
Which one you call yourself
In the mirror tonight

I wish all the people I see on this site
Would be here
Because they are so much kinder than the average person
And if we would talk in real life
We wouldn't only say silly jokes
But have deep conversations

I love him
Because I have known him forever
And because I can't help it
He's my father

But don't get me wrong
I don't like him
Not as a person
Or as a parent
Or as a human

Don't cry
Just breathe
In----out
Relax
Everything's okay
So what if you don't sleep?
You'll be okay
You've done it before
Just don't cry
Don't run
And only scream silently
Because no one has to know

I've decided
That I will always look up
Because people stare down at their feet all time
And they don't get to see the trees, the leaves, and the sky
And the first time I tried it out
It left me with no doubt
Because I saw an apple tree
The birds soaring
The squirrels in all of their stress
The stars
And it made wonder
Why I ever looked down
When it was so easy to look up
And see the beauties of the world

You ring in my ear and my mind
You were too loud
And I was forced to be around you too long

           "S

                             h
    r
                   e
   e
             e
                       e
              e
                      e
      k"

You go In your haunting voice with your haunting actions
Yet another thing if yours
With a result that makes me feel bad

The sky
Has finally
Let itself cry
Finally
Put itself first
And I'm not angry about it

I can be covered in rain
As long as I know
It's just the sky
Doing what everyone deserves to do

Everyone needs to cry sometimes
Doesn't matter
What gender
Or if you are up so very very high
You deserve to cry

Dear sky,
Thank you
For always being there for me
And everyone else
When they cry

Dear sky,
It's okay
Let it all out
I don't mind

We laughed
Until we couldn't breathe
Not even knowing
What in the world
Was so funny
It was wonderful

The dread for tomorrow
Is almost
As bad as tomorrow itself

Whenever I remember
I look up at the sky
And remind myself that the stars are there
Even in daylight
So there's no need to cry

My mom
Is music
watching Gilmore girls with takeout thai food
and comfort

My Dad
Is loudness
Uncontrollable anger
And reluctant love

My cat
Is laying in bed with me when I cry
Stealing my food
And making me laugh even when I don't want to

My friend
Is bubbles
Singing let it go as loud as we can at 2am
And walking around downtown super fast as we talk

My extended family
Is 13 hour plane rides
Friday night dinners
And having ice cream on the balcony

At the store
When I tried on clothes
I felt like I wanted to cry
Not because I really was ugly
(Just a moment ago I was told I was beautiful)
But because
The mirror I looked at
And the lights surrounding it
Made me think that way

You're not ugly
Your mirror is tricking you

You're not stupid
You're a beautiful bird asked to swim in a swamp

You're not unlovable
The people around you are just toxic and don't know how good you are

Cars
Are
Where
All
The
Bad
Things
Are
Brought
To
Light

Always
So­mething
Life-changing
To say

Always
End
Up
Crying

I
Fear
Stepping
Into
Cars
Now

I
Can't­
Leave
Them

I don't like winter for one reason
Because I leave for school before sunrise
And come back
When the sun has almost set
I see no light
And I can't walk
Winter has taken away my walks
They keep me sane
And now they're gone
And so is my wonder
And my joy

Oh no
Tomorrow is monday
Tomorrow is the beginning of the end
Of everything
How I am so supposed to smile with that knowledge?

I have always loved words
They have always comforted me

And you
You never have

So I'll just stick to writing
And not going on the terribly scary rollercoaster
That is life with you in it
It makes me throw up constantly

I breathe anxiety
I cry panic
And I carry bombs just waiting to burst all of it out

The noise
Overwhelming
The mind
Racing
The anxiety
Coursing
The calm
Sinking
The food
Inedible
The people
Loud
The loneliness
Skyrocketing

Cafeteria

She said in the video
"I know you'll go through with it
Because that way
When you look at this video in the future
you can say that at the very least"

"I'm sorry"
I respond

It wasn't fun anymore
Just hard
It was no longer my dream

I didn't stay on the travel team

I'm sorry
Dear child

I'm sorry
I couldn't breathe
Anymore

"I didn't keep going with it"
My heart hurts saying that to her
Looking in her eyes
Makes me want to cry

"I'm sorry"

Words are flowing out
Like an endless rainbow of sorrows
Coming right out of my heart

The red of blood
The pain
The guilt

The green of grass
Trees
And my eyes

The blue of the sky in daylight
The ocean
My heart

And all the rest
Of the beautiful and sad colors
Bleeding out of my pen too

So many downsides to knowing him
Being his daughter
But one thing I can say
It's that it's never boring
Because it's always something
A complication of sorts
Never nothing

I could almost look normal
If every 5-20 minutes
I go to the bathroom to
Cry
Breathe
And take a break

Flash cards
Headaches
Studying for hours
Trying so hard
Just to be heard

Trying to make friends
Trying to be social
So difficult when your not normal
The things you have to tell yourself
To keep yourself together
"It's okay
Your okay
Everything's okay"
All lies

Concerned looks from your mother
As you say that yes, today was the same
You can tell she's trying not to cry
Guilty

Procrastination
Lack of motivation
Working so hard for this presentation
And for everything else
Even when it all gets deleted in my head immediately after

The crowded hallways
You can barely squeeze your way through
They're so loud
And full of people
Most yelling
Some banging on lockers
Jammed
Like my head

Painted spirals on the wall
Not as real as mine

Isn't it strange
How we are all living on a random sphere
In the middle of a nothingness
Thats also everythingness
and has trillions of other giant yet tiny spheres too?

Life is like candy
You first must open the wrapper
Then get the sweets inside
And when it's all over
All the different layers and phases
You die
Most people get stuck on step 1
And unfortunately then skip to 3
But to get number two
You have to be more than lucky

He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all these nowhere promises
To somebody

He's as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man
Can you see me at all?

You shouldn't wait for someone to lend you a hand
You awful
Awful
Nowhere man

There's work I shouldn't be doing
But work I will not do
Until it's the very last moment
And I have to

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

When I feel depressed
And want to do nothing
Feeling so stressed about everything
I get up
Get dressed
Pack my bag
And walk
Walk for hours and hours
In the sun or in rain
Until I feel better
And in the end
And I always do

I want to hug my younger self
And I also know I will when I'm older
So I hug myself now
And say it's from the future

I like to believe
That even the loneliest and least understood people
Have a star in the sky
That listens as much as you need
Gets you
And loves you

This star
Is just yours

Since you're basically one
When you hug yourself
It's like the star is hugging you
Wrapping it's brightness so tight
The darkness barely even leaks out

When the world *****
When you die
When you change
And when you cry
The star cares for you

Even in daylight
It's hiding there

Even when the star sees all the you do from up above
It loves you
And tries to help you
You just have to listen to the silence
And you maybe
Just maybe
Won't feel so alone anymore

The stars are beautiful
They always are

It's just
Sometimes
The light pollution gets in the way
And we can't see them anymore

But who knows
Maybe
Tomorrow you'll see them really clear