A little oval
The size of a been
It's green
And I'm not sure if it's taunting me
Or comforting me
But it's there
Staring

It's hard to believe
That something so small
Could change my big world

I know it will dissolve
Into many little workers
Trying to take the wheel of my brain
For my captain is evil
And they want to help me

Please do help me

I've tried everything else

Flash cards
Headaches
Studying for hours
Trying so hard
Just to be heard

Trying to make friends
Trying to be social
So difficult when your not normal
The things you have to tell yourself
To keep yourself together
"It's okay
Your okay
Everything's okay"
All lies

Concerned looks from your mother
As you say that yes, today was the same
You can tell she's trying not to cry
Guilty

Procrastination
Lack of motivation
Working so hard for this presentation
And for everything else
Even when it all gets deleted in my head immediately after

The crowded hallways
You can barely squeeze your way through
They're so loud
And full of people
Most yelling
Some banging on lockers
Jammed
Like my head

Painted spirals on the wall
Not as real as mine

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

The stars
The dark
The silence
The empty streets
The night

While I dance in the cold
Music taking me over
All of them
In their wonder
Are on my side

Yfxycfugcuctucgmyohvihcihvheadihvgugubjbnibisuhhvuvuvninikookaugt­cvyjimessugvuvghivofihvihvihvthoughtsihvigvigvihvivgeh

To return home
Alone in your bedroom
Where no one can see you
And to finally let yourself cry
Screaming silently into the night

Well,
I may not have many friends,
Pick my skin until it can't stop to bleed
Have a father that makes me want to kick and scream
And have anxiety
But hey,
At least the sky looks pretty!

Dear monster in my head
I want to see you
Really see you
Inspect you
And understand you

Dear monster in my head
I promise if you come out of the shadows
I'll push away my anger
Desperation

So don’t worry
I’ll clench my fists

Dear monster in my head
I wonder what made you this way
Why you seem to hate me
Why scream these dreadful silent whispers
To me almost constantly

Dear monster in my head
I’ve only seen your beady red eyes briefly in a dream
And I want to observe the rest of you
For if I can’t always control you
I want to understand you

..

Is it you that see now?
Are you that figure coming out from the depths?
I can’t breathe
And I’m crying
Sobbing
But wait a second
...
You're stunning
Not like a sunset
Or a pretty girl
You just feel that way

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I am so sorry I called you a monster
When you were just in pain

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
All bruised
With tear-stained cheeks
And terrible memories

It turns out that those beady red eyes
Was just the blood bleeding from our hearts
And that you actually have green eyes
That have some yellow near the iris
Just like me

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I forgive you
And I hope you can forgive me one day
For making you hide in the shadows
Out of sight
And in my mind

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
Let us feel this pain out loud
Together
Holding hands
Watching good and bad days go by

Dear beautiful hurt in my head
I love you
Even though sometimes you make me cry

Anxiety,
Leave me alone

Anxiety,
Let me be

Stop getting in the way
Allow me fun
And relax

Stop with the teary eye
Trouble catching my breathe

Anxiety,
Let me enjoy things
Let me genuinely smile

Leave me alone
Let me feel calm for a while

Stop taking over my life
And my mind

Anxiety,
Please be more kind

Dear, The thinkers, Dreamers, Poets, Artists, Passionate people, and Questioners

Thank you
Without you, the world would be nothing

From,
A strange stranger

I cry
For fake characters in movies

I dream
Things that could never come true

I lie
To myself

I walk
To places only on the map of my mind

I jump
Into an invisible hole

And I miss
Things and people, when they're alive

It means almost nothing to me when it is said someone loves my curly hair
It means almost nothing to me when people say they love my green eyes or anything else


The best compliment I have ever received is
"Liana, you're so weird, but in the very best way!"

Friendless and strange
Hoping for change

Why can't I be like them?
It shouldn't be so hard
For them it comes naturally

Laughing
Hugging
Talking all day

I just watch with envy
Wishing I could be this way

I was planning to
I really wanted to
I wanted her to know
I wanted to be able to tell her
About why I bleed
And about my father
But my mouths betrays me
It refuses to say these things outloud
Why?

Just say it
I tell myself
You describe it so well in your head
Why can't you speak it?
Why did you stay silent?

Now the moment is over
Once again
You said nothing
And still
No one knows

Not even your closest of friends
Why?
You want them to know
You want to lighten the load
They can speak it so well outloud
They trusted me
Why can't I trust them?
I can
But I won't

Tears roll down my cheeks
She's asleep
She doesn't see
And if she would
I wouldn't even be able to tell her why
How sad is that?

Die
Hmm
Am I putting it in this poem just so it will ryme?
Or because that's what I want to do
But no
I don't
I can't
And I won't
I shouldn't let myself think such thoughts

I missed my chance to be open
I missed my chance to Infront of people
For what feels like the first time in a long time
I missed my chance to show them
All the reasons why
Because my mouth can't express
All that I need to express
Like poetry

Dear Faby,

If you are reading this
I am very mad at you
You promised
You wouldn't look for me on here
I showed you some of my poetry
But all that I was willing to share
The rest is too personal
For your ears

I love you
My dear friend
But please don't continue reading
It's an invasion of my privacy

Pick
Pick
Pick
Pick
My thumb is bleeding
Pick
Pick
Pick
Theres still a bump
Pick
Pick
Pick
It hurts
Pick
Pick
Pick
I need a band-aid
Pick
Pick
Pick
I don't have one
Pick
Pick
Pick
I have another thumb
Pick
Pick
Pick
Oh, it's also bleeding
Pick
Pick
Pick
I need to go to sleep
Pick
Pick
Pick
I lay down
Pick
Pick
Pick
It's still not smooth
Pick
Pick
Cry

The smallest things
Seem so overwhelming
Take a shower
Get dressed
Get out of bed
Clean
All of them
Seem so hard to do
They take so much energy

I've learned that the only thing that helps

I s

T o

B r e a k

I t

D o w n

Even with the small things

Wheneverharmonicathingsredpilemicrowaveovereachotherlight­bulbitsbalconystartstogetbananacrazy

Cold and tired
But I'm covered and can't sleep
Sad and angry
But I won't let myself scream or weep

You’ve probably heard the saying “life is short”
I don't think so
It is the longest thing you will ever experience
If you're lucky enough
Life is
Sad
Happy
And long
I just hope mine is all of those

He is a light
With no dimmer

He's either on
Very, very bright
Almost blinding

Or off
Depressed, out of control
Spreading his darkness wherever he goes

I long to install the dimmer
To have a sweet spot in the middle
But he's simply not built like that
Or maybe
He's too broken for it
And he can't be fixed

I want to do something
But I can't seem to do anything
I just sit on the couch
Cat on my lap
Blanket over me
And read

Everything I write
Right now
I feel isn't complete

I want to get up
And walk with my music outside
But I'm tired
Why is this so hard for me?

Trying to tell
If the glimmer in their eye
Is the beginning of a tear
They are choking back,
Their wonder,
A yawn,
Or dust

I do not
Fit into any of the groups

I am a color not found on the puzzle
Or maybe visible by the human eye

But I am constantly on the watch
For other wanderers

When it rains
Little branches get wet
And droplets form on them
Not falling
Just waiting to drop
Some want it
Want to fall to this puddle from which there is no return
And some love it up there

They will drop though
That's for sure

Will they be shaken accidentally by a girl taking a walk?
Will the water build up so much
And they aren't strong enough?
Will they evaporate?

They will all fall
Eventually

Is that comforting?
Sad?
Is it crazy?

A blue jay perches
Watches the autumn leaves fall--
And stays there alone

I want a kind person to see me struggling
Not by me showing them
But by simply observing
And care
And ask if they can help
Sometimes they can
And sometimes they can't
But that itself
Is enough for my heart

"why are you always bleeding?"

"Did you get in to a fight?"

"Who did this to you?"

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

I want to say:
"Dermatoliomania"

But I say
"Nothing
I'm okay"

They don't need to worry about me
I'm almost decent as can be...
Sometimes

Running
Back
And forth
Reach the line

I'm not that bad out of shape
But still struggling

Throat burning
Head pounding as if there's someone trying to bang their way out
And lungs desperately fighting for air

I give up...

I sit down when I reach the line
And try to catch my breathe
Instead of running back

Chest rising and falling
With each gasp for air

Oxygen
Why do you hate me?
Lungs,
Why aren't you working?

Coughs hurt my throat
And make me weak

I take my inhaler
But it isn't working
It's just making me shaky

Panic rising inside me

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

I take another puff
And wait
1
2
3
4
5
...
Breathe out
And couch violently

I'm going to die
I'm going to die
I'm going to die

No one notices

Blow the on the dandelion
I pick from the ground
Watch my wish fly away
Going everywhere
Landing all around

It's the same wish I've always had

I wish while I blow out birthday candles
On 11:11

So many wishes wasted
On an impossible thing
On an impossible person

I wish my wishes wouldn't be wasted
On you

Far away we are
But at least when we look up
We see the same sky

I want kids to stop needing to raise their parents
People say that would take magic
So people have to step up
Because even 5 year old me knew magic isn't real

People ask me
Why I don't believe them
Why I can't trust that they won't lie

The reality is
I used to believe it all
That he would change
And that he won't the battle
With his drugs
And his anger
But then I saw it
I felt it
And that's why I cry

This is why
I refuse to hope
And I can't believe

I want to
I really do
I promise
I try

Its a rough night tonight
My head feels like it's exploding
My asthma won't let me breathe
Along with my anxiety

My thumbs hurt like hell
I feel much less when well
Nausea cause by none other than my thoughts
Just wanting to go to sleep

"Don't worry
Be happy"
Bobby tells me

"Don't worry
Don't do it
Be happy"
He tries

"I'm trying
But I can't"
I respond
My head hurts
Fingers throb
Brain overflows

"Don't worry
Be happy"
It's on loop
Like it always is
When I'm anxious
And able to

"When you're worried
Your face will frown
And that will bring
Everybody down"
He explains

"I'm sorry"
I sob

I sit on a tree stump
And stare at the sky
Look at the stars
And reach out to mine

Music filling my heart
My jacket beside me
I like the uncomfortable cold

I wave at planes going by
They say "goodbye new jersey" in their waves
And I say back
"Goodbye"
They don't even know it

Shivering
Crying
Looking lost and strange to any stranger
Yet I feel so free

Everyone looks at their feet
Looks down
It's what we're used to now

But just for a second
If you dare to glance up
It might flip your world around

Depressed and angry at the world
I put a pencil between my teeth
My last resort
I hope with all I have
It will make me feel better

Snow flakes fall
Look like they will stick to the ground,
Build up
Make something wonderful

But when they finally reach it
They melt
They go away
Like my dreams of building a snow man

You know when you spill water and get upset only to hear someone say, “it's just water!”
It doesn't matter, water, pineapple juice, or milk I'm still soaked and need to change
The fact that what I spilled happened to be water doesnt make me less clumsy
It doesn't make my fingers less sweaty
It doesn't make it okay
“It's just water” they say
I’d be just as clumsy holding milk in my hand
What would you say if I spilt milk?
But if I spilt water, it's okay
If shes my daughter, it's okay


This isn't about spilt milk

What if I'm crazy too
What if I'm like him
And because of that
I don't realize I am

I mean
I know the tendency is genetic
And when you're sick
You don't even know it

He is a part of me
Either way
I had no choice
I was born that way

When I look in the mirror I see his eyes
And his nose
And his hair
I glare at them
A reminder that I'm stuck with him
no matter what I do he'll always be there

It makes me hate myself
When look and I see him in me

I don't want to look like him
I never want to make anyone feel the way he did to me
I don't want to be crazy and see the world blurry
I won't even know it if I am
Which is scary
Please don't also let me be crazy

If only the characters I read about in books
Were actually alive



Oh how much more
Would I love this world

Even the brightest stars
Will explode
One day

Even the sky
Needs to scream and cry
Sometimes

Even the most beautiful poem
Will one day be forgotten
Even if that's
When we reach oblivion

You're allowed too
Don't feel bad

We are all suns
In our solar system

Some suns are arrogant
Only caring about themselves
They exclaim
"I'm the biggest one!"

And some suns are kind
Hating some
But loving most
They exclaim
"We are all stars
We should all be one"

While I laugh
Someone is crying

While I dance
Someone just found out they lied

While I can't sleep on my bed
Someone wishes they had a blanket

While I eat
Someone starves

While I walk
Someone loses their parent

While I live
Someone dies

When I remember,
I wish them to feel better
I send them some of my momentary joy
Because maybe
That's how miracles are born

.

                                                               I    ­  
  I                                                          am      Tired
Am so tired all is wish to do is to sleep
Trying hard to sleep though deprived
To sleep is hard and I hate it so much
Sleep                                                 ,yes

When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's peace
I just need to find someone
Any kind person
To take the journey with me

I went up to a squirrel
Such a stressed creature
I asked
"What's wrong?"
For some reason he didn't answer me

Do you want to take a walk?

Yes?
Take a walk.

No?
Take a walk.

I'm sorry
But you have to stay

I'm not ready to make a star for you yet