Liana

Liana 18h

Some days we moge podge upside down elephants to our doors at 11pm

And some we just lay in bed feeling everything and nothing all at once

That is the complex,
Cruel,
And beautiful
Thing about being alive

Liana 18h

Emptied sea (it was full of sharp rocks)

I used to be filled
With such intense emotions
Every day
A tear and a smile
Filled the jar

It was filled with anger and sorrow
But also filled with beauty and color
It was like stepping on sharp rocks in a beautiful sea of blue

Now the water has been drained
And the rocks made into sand that just sticks uncomfortably to me

I do not miss the pain
Bruises on my feet,
Blood making a pool of self-hate on my hands,
Or do I?

I think I just miss the ocean water
I long for the light of the sun reflecting on it
And the creatures that call it home

I feel that the sea has been emptied
And so has my soul...

I know I can't stop taking the little pill
That just keeps increasing in size
But I don't know how much longer I can take it

I don't know how much longer I can stand in the this big hole that was once the ocean

I don't know. I should be studying right now.

Liana 19h

Numb

I guess the medication worked
I don’t feel depressed

I don’t feel anything anymore

So many more words to say about this, but there is something in the way. I can only hope that they will come out like the sun in the morning…

Liana 5d

Poetry is my religion

I may not believe in a god(s)
But that does not mean that I do not have a religion

I believe in poetry

Not everyone has a god, but everyone has a religion. For some it's art, animals, money, or music. For me, it is words, or poetry. At night I do not pray to God, I write poetry. I do not ask God for answers, I write to figure them out myself. Poetry is my religion.

Liana 5d

Pretending

I sit there
Passively doing schoolwork
Only to look up and notice
There are groups of people who are laughing and smiling

At first
I am grateful not to be one of them
It's so much work to pretend to be happy
To pretend to find the jokes funny
But then I remember
That usually people aren't pretending

I have to remind myself to not look sad sometimes, I don't want the unnecessary attention it often gets me. I just smile and pretend as long as I'm surrounded by a bunch of people.

(I know that this one isn't the most poetic or great but I felt that I wrote too many things that stayed as drafts today. Sorry!)

Liana 6d

"You're so mature for your age"

I do not wish to be mature
I do not wish to be wise or responsible
I do not wish have an older soul
For it is not of my own doing

My house was on fire
And I was caught in the flames;
Of course I deteriorated quicker
And I learned how to not burn and become ashes

What should have taken a while to start to turn brown at the edges
From the sun and the warm pavement
Just took being born there

I do not wish to be able to take care of your child so well
For it was because I took care of my father when he couldn't do it himself

I do not wish to be able to avoid conflict easily
For it took practice to master

I have been molded
I have been been burned
I have shaped
I wish I weren't
But I am
And here we are today

I am a mix of grieving and grateful