Are you familiar
With the story of Sisyphus?

Do you ever feel
Like you are pushing the rock up the hill
A rock filled with desire
The weight of the world
Waiting for it to finally reach the top
So it can be taken care of?

Are you too
Pushing
And pushing
And almost giving up?

When you get to the top
Does it fall back down
                       Every
               Single
         Time
Too?

Does is sadden you
To know that he never succeeds
Even at the end of the story?

Well I made up a new one for you:

Climbing
Climbing
Whole body sore

Trying
Trying
He doesn't want to try anymore

Day
After day
The story seems miserable
Until one

This day
Susyphus climbed
And pushed
And climbed
And pushed
And remembered how all the other days
It was to no avail

"I'm done!"
He thought

He was ready to stop pushing the rock
And let it fall on him
Crushing his body
Ending his heartbreak
But he didn't

He thought what if
That maybe that day
He would finally make it

So he pushed
And when he was at the most pain he had ever felt before
Made it to the top
He felt it would fall
Like any other day
But he saw a hand reach out
Helping him with his rock
And voice coming his way
Saying comforting words
Encouraging him

And what happened to the rock you may ask?
Well...



It stayed

One day it will appear again
Life will build up
But he succeeded
And he deserves his momentary happiness

I don't know how it will be
I fear it will be hard for me
I know it's anxiety filling to act socially

Thinking of topics for conversation
For small talk is exhausting
What to do?
How to act?
How open to be?
I fear that those nights
Will be ones without sleep

I want an idea
Of the way things will work
I find it hard to picture

Its been months
And I know I was so vulnerable
When she last saw me
The places we were
Brought back such terrible, terrible, memories

I want to be lighter
And more fun to be around

This time I plan to eat
And maybe hide my hands a bit more
But it's hard
When you have to play trumpet with them
And she's observant
I'm not used to that either

My cat is
Purring
Sitting on any available laps
Meowing
Loving everyone
Eating everything
Going on any shoulders that he pleases
Rubbing against people

And then there's me
Taking a break and hiding in the bathroom
Sitting in silence
Fake smiling
Picking skin
Laughing when I see everyone else laugh
Avoiding going out
Or talking to people

Humans are supposed to be social
And cats are supposed to be independent
Yet
It seems that my cat is more social than me

The stars
The dark
The silence
The empty streets
The night

While I dance in the cold
Music taking me over
All of them
In their wonder
Are on my side

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

Is the saying
"Someone always has it worse"
Really supposed to be comforting?

I don't like to think about
How my pain
Sometimes doesn't compare to other's suffering
When mine already feels like hell

"Someone always has it worse"
Does that make anyone feel better?
To be belittled and then told that someone else is more miserable than you?

I hope not
Because it's terrible that it's true

But I guess I hope so
If it's true that it helps you

Lying in bed
It's morning now
I don't remember falling asleep
I never do
I just have to believed it happened

Yesterday is gone
Like my rest
But my dog is still lying next to me
Warm
And comforting

Ba-doom
Ba-doom
Her heartbeat is constant
It reminds me that I too am alive
Can she hear mine?

Tired
Forgot to shut off my alarm
My eyes are closing once again
I am being taken over by sleep
Slowly
And then all at once
I remember a book that once compared it to love

Next thing I know it I am awake again
Don't remember falling asleep
It very well could have been millions of years and my memory could have been erased
Whatever though

I look to the right to my mirror
My hair is a mess
More than the usual curly bird's-nest

Lying in bed
But this time
Calmly
Not crying
Or wishing for sleep
Of course my head still overflowing
It always is

But I
I stare at the ceiling
...
Peace