Finger paint my life,
as I painted as a child
Trees now bigger and intricate in style
Do you think that's were we went wrong
To much detail, branches and leaves

Oh Finger paint my life

I could finger paint triangles
Mum knew they were trees?
Aeroplanes had smiles
and way to many wings

Oh  finger paint your life

Cats and dogs looked like horses and sheep
But Dad knew what I painted
And all that it ment
So get out the paint and start again
Focus on basic and not over complex

Oh Fingerpaint your life

It isn't the details,  the finicky bits
Not how many branches with leaves at their tips
Look to the simple, look deep inside
Then paint with your fingers
A triangle at a time

Fingerpaint your life woo woo oo
Finger paint your life
Mmmhhhhmmm

Almost yet not
Within grasp
Yet not holding
With but without
Almost is nothing
The lost

Lulaby to nowhere
A lament to none
Words at night spoken in your head
The ears supposed to hear them
Never in your bed
The passing moods of fancy
A whimsical delight
Head full of moving pictures
That haunt you in the night
So lulaby my brain cells
Hush and go to sleep
You have scrambled all reality
So just leave me be

Laces untied,  boots slipped off
Shirt unbuttoned and cast aside
Belt unbuckled and trousers dropped
The day now ended ******* alone
Boxers and socks left upon floor
The shower relieves the day before
For all see you smile and presume of your life
None knowing you're alone each night
Step out refreshed a towel to your face
No conversation alone in your space
Dry and ready to climb into bed
No lover to hold only cold emptiness
Try as you might to say its ok
Being alone is never the way
For millions of souls share in this state
As we find it so hard to find the right one
To come home and love when our day is done

As if only to tease upon the threads of our being
Fate and fortune play out the game of our days
Move by move, fashioned to please the player
Stun the observer and torture,  yes torture the pieces
The game now almost at a close as lifes sands ebb
Grain by grain dropping to oblivion
Odd many moves once played repeated but not anticipated
Yet with familiarity, the hurt, the outome, just the same
When fortune plays light shines upon the sands
Though they still decend, just not observed
When fates turn again comes, the only sound is that of the rushing sand
Is that all we are

What a guy!
What a player!
On the field he was the slayer.
The only son, the one to watch.
The one who others tried to match.
He had the looks and physique
A grades at school for all to see.

Now he pays a heavy price
Drinks Jack Daniels every night
For all his life he was pushed
To be valour dictorum in the year book

He had problems so deep inside
He didn't want footballers thighs
He wanted silk and lace with heels
Not the college football kit
If he could have what he dreamed
He'd be a cheerleader on that field

As a boy late at night
He gave his mom a real fright
There he was in her clothes
His father beat him and killed his soul

Years went by and James was wed
So he wore his wife's clothes instead!
Till one day he bought his own
Shaved his legs and went out alone
He bumped into a group of jocks
Who beat him because he wore a frock

Now in the mirror he has scars
That match the hundreds still inside
For James outside to all of you
Was Jayne inside and then showed you

But now at 50 for him to late
To be reasigned and be just Jayne
Times have changed and so have views
If he wants to, let him wear Jimmy Choos
So if any friends I have Called John
Wants to be simply Joanne
Let me know asap
We can celebrate with a drink.

We dig a hole in the ground
Then send photons round and round
Speak of quarks and mesons too
And sub atomic invisible stew
Looking at all the subatomic  parts
Trying to find what gives them mass
Higgs the guy who thought it up
A God particle it was dubbed
It costs a fortune to make it work
But I ask you what it's worth?
For man will simply find a way
To hurt another with what they make
For all we do, all we create
Seems now to fuel the war of hate
From atom bombs to poison gas
Now they fool around with mass
The scariest part in all of this
Is the conceited way they named the thing
Man now calls the particle "God!"
Did we just create ourselves
Another type of universe?
Or make a journey so perverse
We lost sight of who, and what we are..
Simply atoms from a dying star.

Choose your thoughts carefully I once heard said
How do you choose what comes into your head?
It isn't like picking a card from the deck
With 51 gone and you with one left
For thoughts are seeded and grow into frame
They sometimes die or fade away
Yet some are so strong I think you'll agree
They forge the soul in a human being
For thoughts become words
Thoughts become deeds
They become choices
Your reality
So a daydream could be the start of a wish
Or a fanciful dalliance only you see
So close your eyes tight and open your mind
For your thoughts could be for all mankind

I read an account of a small girl today
"Crunching beneath her feet
Like a thousand stars twinkling in the faint light of Potsdamer Platz
Father holding her hand so tightly it hurt
Sick children chased over broken glass
The Jewish children's hospital ransacked
While staff beaten for tending to the unworthy sick"
You can feel the fear in her words
The darkest November
Hatered had now found a new form, a face, a sign
The *******.
Men paraded and followed ******
Revered like a demi god
They worshiped an ideal.
MIEN KAMPF
It seems now implausible that one mans belief and struggle that he apportioned to a race could be bastardised into a purge of races that divided mankind and almost ended it
From that night to this there have been many acts that again raise that spectre.
Sarejavo Iraq to mention but a few.
Tonight Jews Gentiles and others will shine peaceful lights at Potsdamer Platz.
What have we learnt in 75 yrs
The world watched the **** machine grow
The world did not act

What do we now watch
Who are we now failing...

Walking on ice
Well slipping more like
Trying to balance
Waiting to fall
Knees all bent
*** on the floor
Brace for collision
Try to control
Bad decisions
Haven't we all
Falling on ice
More or less
A fools errand
Bruised like the rest

So desolate, I walked onward
An expanse of sand running mile after mile
In the distance the sound of thunder
Then as if a mirage at sea a village of ramshackle homes
Single story on a sandbank all with gardens of the strangest design
A flea farm,  gooseberry bushes and butterflies in net cages
Children playing, the voices of grandparents
The sea now lapping at my heels and between their twisted porches, where on earth could I be
In reality?
For I no longer walked the earth
The thunder was the howitzers shelling the beach
The vilage, that of my childhood
For my mind in its last throws had given me a thought of memory,  that of childhood and family that of loving not war
The sea and sand being of beauty
Now limbless, face down on a Normandy beach drowning.
Then darkness
Silence
Peace

Being silent doesn't mean I cannot speak
Not talking because I don't have the words is not being willfully ignorant
For if one doesn't understand my silence
My words would be harder to explain
Depression is a deep emotion
Like a weight that is strapped to you
Sometimes light in mass
Sometimes heavy
So so heavy even breathing hurts
Speech imposible and a hug could, even meant well,
Simply break you
An outpouring of emotion to you can be to much to absorb, almost destructive
Your ability to feel dampened, lost
Yet unseen no matter how you battle
That is what some carry
A load they can't shed
So silently they exist.

That can't be you !
It's not your name
Oh Ruby it is
I'm just the same
I use a different name to write
So don't tell anyone you know my name
So shhh and pretend and play the game
I write just to have some fun
Like Eva with her trumpet ***
So happy birthday for haloween
Save me some cake
And don't be mean
Or Eva may do a trump again!!

Made from the breath of fairys
The dreams of unicorns
And the ******* of Ad agencies
A quick puff as a child and you're off
40 years later a quick puff on an inhaler
Just to breathe
Breathe
Brea..............

Once upon a time a man had the universe in his grasp.
He didn't know that so he didn't hold onto it
Many years later that universe drifted past again
Then with both hands, on tippy toes he stretched to grab hold of it.
His grip now not as long or as strong as his sight, no longer strong he relied upon his feelings
If once upon a time he had done that before how different life would have been.

For tonight and one night only
He didn't want to be lonely
He looked online and found a friend
300 quid to wine and dine her
Another 500 to get inside her
Upper class you understand
Not a lady of the night!
So meal for two, champagne and all
Then it was time to bed for sure
Paid in full and eager to please
She dropped herself on her knees
Then as a flash it was done
He'd been short changed
Pardon the pun
The moment  lost his magic gone
At least it was from his wand
She grabbed her coat off she popped
He went to bed now half cut
Another lonely night again
Mixed with foolishness and pain
800 lighter to rub it in
The moral here is plain to see
Love for sale ?
It just cannot be.

I listened to an Aria
The sound of her voice enveloped me
Each note higher in a way that melted me
Madam Butterfly was in the room
My eyes closed I swear I could hear her breath
If I opened them, would she be there?
Then as she came she left
Till next time

Almost aloof yet engaging
She carried herself daily in fastidious fashion
Approachable yet distant
The inner workings hidden from all
Yet when pressed loving and kind
So much so to her detriment
Trying to reason with fools
Cost her the career of her dreams
Once I saw her guard down
Fractional then raised
Then as I met her in turmoil
I said goodbye the same

I wish I could choose which dreams to remember
Cast the others away and forget
Do the same for memories, to take away the hurt
Try to imagine a better tomorrow, a world beyond yesterday
Share a few of my feelings, knowing they're not betrayed
My dreams like life are random, simply the minds night games
There is no message or meaning, just the imagination at play
My memories are constant, until they begin to fade
When hope replaces despair and love replaces fear
Then once again I'll dance
To the tune another plays

Slowley, a step at a time
Intensely focused, listening
For the ice she walks upon strains
It strains to hold her
He waits to hurt her
She never hears it crack
Never ever
But feels the pain of the blow
The hurt, the erosion
Each time the ice becomes thinner
Thinner until she dares not walk
Dares not talk
Then she is lost
Then a life raft
An escape
He is gone
He is exposed
Now who's scared

Not now the voices say
I wish to god they would go away
Talk don't shout!
If you were real I'd throw you out
But no! Now you witter on
No peace for me to fall asleep
Don't speak like that or I'll **** you
No I'll **** me
Sorted

Motionless as though time itself had been banished
Perfect yet useless, a thing of beauty but no purpose now
Moments earlier inviting,  luring me towards
But now no emotion only frustration
I tried so hard to stop it
Both hands in desperate grasp!
But to no avail
Motionless
Wasted
Face down
The last slice
Jam side down
Ruined

X

The rain now ends the day, washing its benality away
Sunlight never made it through cloud, only it's traces
Overcast sky prevailed today
As though the sun was refusing to come out, in protest
Between elation and desperate measures the minutes passed
Slowly as if held back this morning, an eternity
Then racing as though unable to find their feet this afternoon
Tonight I shall shut out the world and simply ponder
Examine what remains and foundations
  The dawn can wait a few hrs

A is for ******* we all know a few
B is for ******* they talk to you
C is for can't which really means won't
D is for *******, arseholes best friend
E is for Ego and yours is huge
F is for **** it, you know how it goes
G is for good you're struggling to find
H is for help we need it sometimes
I is for ignorant and so many are
J is for joy and seldom these days
K is for kids, Dont read this page!
L is for lover, I need a new one
M is for ******, we've all hatched a plan
N is for never or at least not now
O is for optomist, as you never know
P is for power a dangerous thing
Q is for quiet, there is none here
R is for random,  like this little verse
S is for shity, a day spent at work
T is for time,  never enough
U is for useless, you never are
V is for ******, your having a laugh
W is for wages,  gone in a flash
X is for xbox a plague on the brain
Y is for you, I missed you today
Z is for zombie as its 0130
And I can't ****** sleep so I wrote a crap verse!

Cold in heart and a soul, darkened by avarice
No kind words, not a smile only rebuke
Yet they weekly prostrate before him
Like an emperor thumbs up or down
Killing only dreams and expectations
And for what?
A moment of fame

I think the old camel is quite the beast
Carrying man and all his gear
For he can carry more than I
As he plods along with his life
As breaking point I have reached
A slow erosion of my soul
Day by day ever more
Until enough was a time now past
Then I will have long collapsed.

They met in a secluded lane
Though didn't kiss, or touch exchange
No kissing was there to be done
For he felt the sadness in her voice
For life had so far run its course
Leaving only sadness in its wake
Exchanging thoughts and views
The why's and wherefores
Of how and when their lives had broken
Then as chance they met,
They parted same
Only to go their separate ways
It was rather nice he had to say
To look once more upon her face
Imagine days and nights gone by
Emmbraced in passion in a former life
But part they did in stiff lip fashion
Parting with no kiss or embrace
Home to bed and thoughts to race
He awoke having made love the whole night long
But when he turned to kiss her she was gone
He realised then it was all but a dream
Nothing in life is as it seems.

So I'm sat minding my own business just watching the unicorns play tagg.
Risky I know when you have a light sabre with a blown bulb strapped like a *** toy to your swede.
This old guy sits next to me an asks "Do you paint?"
Before it registers he says "All we had in common?"
I said, I have a bit but I realise I'm somewhere else.
Who do you mean I ask?
"******! of course
I then realise I'm having a chat with Winston Churchill.
The unicorns should have been the big clue it was a dream or I was dead shouldn't they.

For my own part
I have never had a thought
Which I could not set down in words
with even more distinctness
Than that with which I conceived it
There is however, a class of fancies
Of exquisite delicacy
Which are not thoughts
And to which as yet I have found it
Absolutely impossible to adapt to language
These fancies arise in the soul
Alas how rarely
Only at epochs of most intense tranquility
When the ****** and mental health are in perfection
And at those mere points of time
Where the confines of the waking world
Blend with the world of dreams
And so I captured this fancy
Where all that we see or seem is but
A Dream Within A Dream

Sat watching television
Trying to immerse myself in its banality
Scene by scene, less interested more thoughtful.
Wondering, what someone is doing.
How they feel, are they ok?
I'm the random man who walked into a life.
A life organised but not perfect, is any?
Stability but bereft of happiness in many ways, but not all.
I entered by chance, an act orchestrated by one who would bid me no harm.
Yet greeted by one who bid me well and more.
The collision of souls, an awakening, with an outpouring of sadness.
A train wreck of emotions and needs.
Yet within it a glimmer of hope and a dream.
Or a passing fancy? A passion momento, not a passion momentum driven.
Time will tell.
The same time that passed long ago.
But this time clocks in synchronization.
A link in time, a portal to a possible new life.
Or a what might have been.

All we want we see in the future
All we have is the present
All we need is to understand our past
All we can be is ourselves

Eyes tightly closed as you languish in the place
Immersed in a world of pleasure and perfection
The senses start to awaken, sounds at first
Then your eyes open and reality rushes in
Try as you might your ****** out of the warmth of the dream, the cold air hits you
Taste becomes active, the smells of perfume gone
The stomach churns as you have awakened to all
the stresses and pressures of the day ahead
The dream now gone
And memory of it fades as you can't hold it
You spend the day looking for signposts back there
Yet none avail themselves

The mind is as a garden
Bare at first until seeded with thought
You may seed it with dreams and wishes
Some may last a lifetime as an oak
Others annual or a summers bloom
Beautiful but for a short time
Some thoughts lie dormant as a seed does
Then far from their planting spring to life
Why?
Because they could only grow when the time and conditions were right
So clear your mind of all that harms it
As a gardener clears weeds
Remember not to disturb the bulbs beneath
For when the time is right
They will grow
Life will change
The future will be in bloom

A man rides on a horse
Yet he only owns a donkey
He sleeps with a mistress
Yet he has a wife
What defines him as a man?
His possessions or his actions?
He never owned the horse
The mistress abandoned him
The wife betrayed him
The car was repossessed

What defined him?
A man of our time?
Not my time

Friend and brother
Father and grand father
Great grandfather husband and lover
To all who he knew he was someone
A godfather who cared
A husband who nursed
A man who was for all seasons
At 92 your god came for you
And I hope you meet up with Joan

Goodbye uncle Titch

Time is a measure of where you have been
Where you are going and when you were seen
Its a friend to your journey a remimder of place
A pull on the heart strings  when thoughts are misplaced
So time is of essence!
For you dont hold it at all
It just moves beside you, no becon no call.

Beneath a blanket of stars laughter reigned
Held tight in an embrace at 3am
Home in their beds they should have been
Watching the waves break on the shore
With a phosphorescent glow you dont see any more
The end of a shift and a long walk home
Both with troubles all their own
Days to months, then years flew by
Before they looked into each others eyes
Now married with kids and more on the way
Career's and home's its a different game
Years they pass and then once more
They meet and chat like years before
I know the stars are still up high
The seas still there and an autumn night
Her face to him is just the same
Could they ever try again?

Hidden behind the mask of today
I didn't have a word to say
A stranger enfered all was false
And walked away in a huff
White rabit was clearly off his cake
His OCD had wrecked his head
Pinochio the lying *****
Wishes his nose was his ****
But its all a joke and you can't fix
The fairy tales that other's speak
Gaffer tape can stop the noise
A baseball bat will halt the cause!

Death becomes you I heard her say as she watched me shed this mortal coil
Lifeless carcass upon the bed eyes open stare to space.
The poison had done all its work and now to leave this crowded earth.
Year upon year weary and worn in effort to destroy my living soul.
Thou almost did it, killed me off with mental poison but you could not
Fot the spirit is stronger than your vile heart
So today I'LL LIVE!
You can *******

Watching her I'm tempted to explore
As she moves back and forth, down on all fours.
I can see how the master had *** with the maid, as she rhythmically moves and her buttocks sway.
Imagine her skirt lifted up, revealing her briefs and stocking tops.
Pulling them down and stroking her **** oh how I want to slide into it.
Her pushing back as I slide deeper still, as we ***** each other just for the thrill.
But those days are gone and she's not the maid,  she's laying a floor, not getting laid.
But I wonder sometimes when she is alone has she imagined thoughts of her own.
Dressed in nylons with killer heels, being taken for pleasure by little old me?

The madhatters tea party to me now seems sane
As my life isn't simple and everything strange
I seems I'm not worthy and just all because
I dont have a crystal ball or a magic wand
Anything I say or do is simply just wrong
I wonder why im even here at night when I'm alone
Is it to provide a person for you to rant at
Someone to blame and call a ****
All of your problems of course that was me
You're perfect and can't possibly be you
Well I'm tiered and worn down and no more can I do
So vent your spleen and all of your woes on someone else
As I am now closed.

She is a beautiful woman
With a beautiful face
With a beautiful heart
In a state of grace
Im in a mire
A mind in a state
Fuzzywuggle brain
All over the place

Becoming invisible, more each day
Withdrawing inside to feel safe
Building walls as all bridges burnt
I stood on them as the timbers flared
Trying just to survive each day
People don't see you fade away
A little less of me to give each day
Until the walls are now so high
They can't hear your soulful cry
They can't see you now
To them not there
You became invisible
You no longer care

I know depression.
I've held its hand so tightly.
But she leads everyone a different way
Some follow blindly
Some engage and escape
Some she walks on her weary way
Day after day, lost
Some she sends her familiar
To watch over and wear down
Her black dog
Always there
Always walking the dog

Sometimes the loneliness of depression clouds the thoughts of logic
It's hand opens the door to despair.
Once opened it seldom closes.
It's a door into a world where no one else is
Though many can be found there
It has no borders no guards
No person polices it
No help when in trouble
No way back
Goodbye my friend
I hope you find peace


.

I came to write
Exploding with words
Then couldn't form a coherent line
None of the things in my head stopped spinning
So I'm leaving now
I'll be back soon
To write

Oil of clove and wing of bat
Eye of newt and hair or cat
I bet she mumbles to herself
As she shops like everyone else
Rams her cart into everyone
A proper witch she has become
Wait until she checks out today
And sees what treats have come her way
For ramming your shopping cart into me
Wins a prize for you he he
The check girl is all a singer
For KY jelly and some rubbers
At 80+ you should know better!
Do not leave your cart unattended

Open heart
Open fire

Open heart
Open book

Closed heart
Closed target

Closed heart
Closed mind

Lost heart
Lost mine

Night falls and sent with it the angst of insomnia.
Worn out yet awake, weary yet unable to dream.
How cruel the mind is in its games.
Games the mind plays.
Images in fantasy of a woman not here and yet imagined.
Not kissed or held this night but possessing the thoughts of a man
The mind in turmoil from one task to another none finished all awash and all agitated
Morn arrives as sleep hastens, life is upside down in so many ways