My apartment still smells like cigarettes from Saturday
when a couple girls with crop-top ambitions
drank themselves through flip cups and through guys’ eyes
who purposely landed on their belly-buttons.
I might have stood on the couch to sing that song,
but I’ve fallen for you all wrong. After another remix,
everyone left and we played footsies while leaning
in the doorway of my bathroom, the wood trim chipping
but your smile brightening in the yellow overhead light.
And I promised I wouldn’t find myself
come Monday morning sitting here with my knees knocking,
and knocking, and knocking themselves back into my brain
that keeps reminding my heart that we expired last season,
and that it’s just too **** late.
I promised myself I wouldn’t wipe my tears on my sweatshirt sleeves,
or run my toes on the tile, or breathe in another toxic pack
of what I essentially believe is you. You are the *** I pour myself into.
You are the chance I keep giving myself seconds of.

I know I shouldn’t have separated myself that quickly, or without notice,
but honestly I didn’t know how to attach myself to someone
unless it was delicate and barb-wired together. I’m sorry I ******* it up,
back then, before the mess, wherever you’d like to pinpoint
the blame on our timeline
but you are the only chance I keep giving myself seconds of.
So I’ll distance myself between my body and this frame,
cut out text-message screen shots and paste them to my frown
so maybe I can remember what it was like to smile
without ******* cigarette smoke between my teeth.

Would you even notice?

If you woke up, and I wasn't there, what would you think?
Would you worry?
Would you think it was you?
Would you think it a dream?
Would you even notice?

Would you know I got scared?
Would you know it's not you?
Would you know you're my dream?
Would you even notice?

Don't worry.
It will never be you.
You're the girl of my dreams.
Don't even take notice.

The bigger their hearts,
The harder they fall
In love.
The harder they fall,
The grander they shatter
When nobody is there to catch them.
The grander they shatter,
The longer it takes
To pick up the pieces.
The longer it takes,
The harder they try
To make their hearts small.
The harder they try,
The more they withdraw
Into their shells of stone.
The more they withdraw,
The harder it becomes
To get them to open up.
The harder it becomes,
The harder you try
To bring them around.
The harder you try,
The bigger their hearts,
And it begins again,
With you.

You get your inspiration
Taking inhalations,
I get mine from observations.
High on life,
Never chasing
What's not meant to be
Or memories
Or people that I never see.
Appreciate the little things
And live the life you're meant to lead.
I may be messed up in the head,
But instead,
I mean I guess I good be dead.
Tossing lead,
At my enemies, my critics,
Enough with the gimmicks.
I don't need to pull a knife,
I'm better off high on life.

Falling in love is nice at first,
Warm and inviting,
Pulling you in by your tie through the open door.
Then you get comfortable,
Lying in bed
With her by your side and her head on your chest.
But then some time passes
And feelings fade
Until you become numb to all emotion.
Then you're left with nothing,
Just hot, searing pain
And a heart as numb as the arm she slept on.
So you relieve the pressure
And back away
Until the feeling returns again.
And you start all over, falling into the same hole.
Until you wake up one morning,
Still numb from love.

It's amazing how your words can cut so deep
Like razor blades hurled across a room.
It's terrifying to see you look at me
With eyes full of hatred and disgust.
It's sad to see you turn your back
And leave all our memories behind.
It's not fair to leave me here,
Baffled, battered, broken.

But I'm alright.