sometimes
i think all we ever do
is fall in love with the same person
over and over
in the shape of someone new

"Let's take a walk. Just as friends, I promise. For old times sake, let's just talk"

So as friends
I ended up pinned down on the snow  
hands inside my shirt and forced to a kiss when I clearly said no
then simply left alone on the ground  
because apparently to you my no meant 'let's fool around'

just standard procedures with all your friends I guess
why should I expect anything less

as my friend
you told my boyfriends
behind my back
I wasn't one to keep

so when I was down
you could comfort me
as a friend
and maybe stay to sleep

I was told to see your behaviour as signs of love and be flattered
and that I maybe
anyway  
should have known better

like this precious friendship
was a perfectly logical consequence
of me ending it, telling you no
and therefore having too much confidence

but I can't mistake your lack of respect for love
and I have a right to choose the latter
besides, I firmly believe
you always were the one
who should have known
better.

who are we?

we do not fight
we do not fight

except when this
returns in waves

you
feeling
unprioritized  
unloved
scared

me
feeling
insufficient       
hamstrung  
lost

you are
my only
one  

i spoke of you
around the globe
through the stars
and back

you made a
home for me
warm and bright
no strings attached

we never fought
we do not fight

but this one
these fears  
never seem to
fade

what will it make of us?

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake  

hidden moon
blinded
empty nights

so complete
and still
so completely alone

our daily fights
breaking into laughter
mid-way trough  

our world
falling apart

and how I loved you
so fiercely
it took my sense away

you and I
our first of all

nothing was ever more
sincere
and nothing ever as
afflictive
again

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake

and after all years
how you linger in me
still

filled gazes
behind empty glass
loud thoughts
overthrowing silent feelings

new morning
new dawn
same walks

just like still water
dying to stream

by the window
looking out
changing shape
to fit the box

don't wanna run
away
but where's my
to

morning rises
crispy air
flower buds bursting
dawn is here.

What if almost everything
begun with you
all those half-moments
disguised in the back
covered up in black

that creeping feeling
under my skin
a silent trapped revolution
dying to break free
choking on the pressure of someone elses need to own me

a constant conflict
an equal yearn to be as central as unseen
always on first and second place
the need to seek approval in every meeting face

what if every dying love
every trapped emotion
begun with us

because what you asked of me
for ten long years
I could never give
the pain from our scars never found ease
and we never did
make peace.

Black big circle on the left side
dark mist, undiaphanous
a bit in the way but still,
like the moon
on the other side of the globe

right side a grey foggy one
for what can be
paint it over
but not as dark as the first one
after all its not finished yet

a long sinuous road in the middle of the two circles
moving around them, stirring
not too close but still bound to them

one unpacked, filled bag

the first one
painted so dark you could tell it must have hurt
whatever hidden under is well hooded

the latter one
so insecurly filled
nothing certain
all unsettled

might add some colour
to the road

I can’t count the amount of times you’ve saved me
since first class and up to seventh’
where I was lost in life
you guided my way
so meaningful

after that
when I made my hardest choices
which shaped me
you were right beside

in some cases
you were the first one I turned to
thoughts I haven’t even dared to think about by myself
with you
they became sentences
with reason

sometimes
you were the hardest one to talk to
admitting to you
meant reality
and finally letting go

green summer grass
wandering around
all options are open
that’s how it feels with you

when I broke down
winter snow
pointless

sitting in your bed
took away the feeling of
meaningless

I don’t know how
but
soft warm pillows
comforting and isolating
it felt just like that

the world gained brightness
and color
once more

now I can see your sorrow
and I want to surround you with blankets
life won’t disappear from you
I promise
it’s okay to rest your head

and sometimes
life doesn’t take us where we’d hoped
but we'll figure it out
somehow
we always have

green fence and
water wars
old diarys collecting
thoughts
our land by the
rainbow
turkish delight and a pleasant invite to
the kids party
your summer resort
and mine
throwing snowballs at kids
making videos
and songs
just dropping by
doing nothing

eighteen years
still counting

you are
and will always be
my good friend

I can't write out the silence. The absence of your breath. You never made it. Who wants to be, honestly. In the middle of it.
Isn't life supposed to be more than this.