The first drop of October rain
My favourite song played over again
A lost ticket to a one-way train
I am
Snow on cold, homeless feet
A lonely heart skipping a beat
Alcohol stains on unwashed bedsheets
We are
Filthy circumstances and ultimate grace
Newfound glory and lost faith
A waste of time,
love
and space.

In order to know you
I have to make myself small
Accept insult in the form of a joke
that rips apart pieces of my soul
In order to miss you
I have to love nothing at all
For you cross my mind
When all else shatters
Like a dying fish
Longing for the *****, poisonous water,
as it lies up on the shore.
In order to love you
I have to hate my very core
For if I don’t
You’ll find a fault
In every breath I take and more.

Ashes and dust
Are all that remain
When flesh and blood
Are too much to contain
Ashes and dust
And I do not know why
The mere thought of them
Can make a man cry
Ashes and dust
But I don’t understand
Don’t you long for eternity
Spent amongst the sand?
Ashes and dust
Are all that remain
When all you wish for
Is a lifetime
All over again.

How do I tell you to stay
without sounding weak
How do I tell you my hands have memorised the shape they take
Writing down your name
That I have to refrain
From writing it down
At the bottom of every page
That I have failed myself
By allowing you
to become my weakness
That the missing skin around my fingers,
My dark circles
Are witnesses
To how much I,
Truly, am afraid
For the first time in my life
Something has stayed
for so long
That I never want it to leave.
How do I expect you to want to stay
When I, myself,
want to leave,
sometimes.

It is utter freedom
to gaze into the mirror
and see
Absolutely nothing
The void finally took over,
the hollow space behind
my eyes
Is reflected on the outside
The darker spots on my face
Clawed away at
any light left,
Until the surrounding blackhole
took me in
As it’s newest member
There is no light
at the end of the tunnel
Only infinity’s worth of emptiness
And it is freeing,
to know,
The morning-less days,
that I have taught myself
to adapt to,
Are finally becoming of use.

The sun will rise
From the west
My heart
Won't burst
From underneath
A calm
Chest
I'll make the right
Decision
Not the current
Best
They'll compare
Eyes to coal
And hate the
Stars
They'll marvel
At the tides
And neglect
The moon
Old, sober men
Will genuinely
Smile,
Leaving bars
Flowers will
Fly
Birds will
Bloom
Even then
My heart
Won't stop
Beating
For you.

I have turned my hurt
Into a melody,
grew roses
to match
bruised wrists
Never settled for
A paper-cut heartbreak
Used my blood
As ink
Turned my temporary hurt
into an identity
One I can not lose
So when it’s skin
Itches and tears apart
I shrink myself
smaller, so it can stay,
rip the bandages
off dried wounds
It has been far too long
But I can not let go
Beneath this skin
lies the unknown,
the one I fear most
So I must settle
for a lifetime
of suffocation
Or else I would shrink
Until I am so small that this skin
has nothing to hold onto.