I hand my heart over to the shadows
Refrain from breaking it once and for all
Head to the abyss
To the only place
Where I’m warned before I fall
It rings in my ears
Day and night
A promise of an always-empty mind
No more aching
No more frights
No more dull, silent nights
I want to jump
But there’s so much more
So much joy I cannot ignore
To get there,
I must leave the heights
And get through another silent night.

Ashes and dust
Are all that remain
When flesh and blood
Are too much to contain
Ashes and dust
And I do not know why
The mere thought of them
Can make a man cry
Ashes and dust
But I don’t understand
Don’t you long for eternity
Spent amongst the sand?
Ashes and dust
Are all that remain
When all you wish for
Is a lifetime
All over again.

The sun will rise
From the west
My heart
Won't burst
From underneath
A calm
Chest
I'll make the right
Decision
Not the current
Best
They'll compare
Eyes to coal
And hate the
Stars
They'll marvel
At the tides
And neglect
The moon
Old, sober men
Will genuinely
Smile,
Leaving bars
Flowers will
Fly
Birds will
Bloom
Even then
My heart
Won't stop
Beating
For you.

It is utter freedom
to gaze into the mirror
and see
Absolutely nothing
The void finally took over,
the hollow space behind
my eyes
Is reflected on the outside
The darker spots on my face
Clawed away at
any light left,
Until the surrounding blackhole
took me in
As it’s newest member
There is no light
at the end of the tunnel
Only infinity’s worth of emptiness
And it is freeing,
to know,
The morning-less days,
that I have taught myself
to adapt to,
Are finally becoming of use.

Don’t make a home out of me
My roof is damaged beyond repairing
The cracks in my walls are not enough to let the light in
My darkness is unbearable.
Don’t familiarise yourself with my corners
I rebuild everyday
If you stay in one place for too long
You may never be able to leave
Even when you desperately want to
Don’t bring me the world
I’ll repay you
In disappointments
Don’t blame yourself
For not being able to fix me
I don’t need fixing
I have worked my way around my broken edges
Learned which turns hurt the most to take
And I take them
Because scars will heal
But you won’t.

How do I tell you to stay
without sounding weak
How do I tell you my hands have memorised the shape they take
Writing down your name
That I have to refrain
From writing it down
At the bottom of every page
That I have failed myself
By allowing you
to become my weakness
That the missing skin around my fingers,
My dark circles
Are witnesses
To how much I,
Truly, am afraid
For the first time in my life
Something has stayed
for so long
That I never want it to leave.
How do I expect you to want to stay
When I, myself,
want to leave,
sometimes.

In order to know you
I have to make myself small
Accept insult in the form of a joke
that rips apart pieces of my soul
In order to miss you
I have to love nothing at all
For you cross my mind
When all else shatters
Like a dying fish
Longing for the *****, poisonous water,
as it lies up on the shore.
In order to love you
I have to hate my very core
For if I don’t
You’ll find a fault
In every breath I take and more.

I lay my skin out bare
For you to see every vein
Unfold every roll
Meet the aftermath of pain
Caress the white hairs dug deep,
Waiting, for time’s curse
They will try to repel it,
To prevent nature’s call
Anti-aging creams cannot postpone
the growth
Of my soul
Can’t they tell?
The wrinkles in my skin
Are soiled ground
Don’t they know?
I’ve been waiting for a lifetime
To finally say ‘Hello’.

They pick flowers off of their backs
and feed them to me
hoping I would grow into leaf,
Any use but these motionless roots
that just won’t move
As it uses up precious soil.
I would gleam into the most beautiful and nutritious of fruits
If only I knew how to
I want to tell you that water leaks right through my soil
That birds plummet to the ground after nibbling on my greens
That everything that touches me retracts into nothingness
And I have no scent
That a human could pick up
But the insects resent me
They think I’m trying to poison them
I do not dare try to convince them otherwise
Because I do await my precious snakes every night
Luring them in with hisses and offerings
I want them to mistake me for shelter,
To trace my stem all the way down to these stubborn roots
How I would love to be coated in so much venom
that no amount of water would ever deem my soil habitable
that flowers would wilt and die upon being placed on my grave.

I have turned my hurt
Into a melody,
grew roses
to match
bruised wrists
Never settled for
A paper-cut heartbreak
Used my blood
As ink
Turned my temporary hurt
into an identity
One I can not lose
So when it’s skin
Itches and tears apart
I shrink myself
smaller, so it can stay,
rip the bandages
off dried wounds
It has been far too long
But I can not let go
Beneath this skin
lies the unknown,
the one I fear most
So I must settle
for a lifetime
of suffocation
Or else I would shrink
Until I am so small that this skin
has nothing to hold onto.

I am not one to mistake
Neglect for love
but I have an empty wooden-box
for a heart
that the cold shows no mercy
So just the thought
of another soul
having inhabited the emptiness
And warmed it up,
If just for a little while,
is enough to keep this box from freezing
and I am not one to mistake
love for suffocation,
but sometimes
The air that slips inside this box,
Is too heavy with memories
that it just fills it up
So when I tell you
I have no more space
For a new face
Even if it comes with the promise of eternity,
Know,
that I don’t want it,
I am waiting for the time
When every silent cry uttered
Is echoed through the walls
inside this box
and it is so cold that
No soul dares come near it,
Let alone look in the direction
of the incoming snow,
Then,
and only then,
Would I shatter it myself,
having spent eternity,
avoiding having it scratched
By someone else.

The first drop of October rain
My favourite song played over again
A lost ticket to a one-way train
I am
Snow on cold, homeless feet
A lonely heart skipping a beat
Alcohol stains on unwashed bedsheets
We are
Filthy circumstances and ultimate grace
Newfound glory and lost faith
A waste of time,
love
and space.

Your eyes,
So familiar
Looked like a window
Felt like a mirror
So I avoided your gaze
Afraid
If i stared for long enough
I would start to see
everything I
despised
In human form
Your eyes,
Like a mirror
Confronting the deepest
sorrows
Giving them a voice
To speak
To exist
Anywhere other than
the poisoning smoke
Of a fire
Your eyes,
Like a mirror
Knew where to look
Like cleared throats
Masking swallowed words,
Collapsing lungs,
But they were silent
for a reason
I didn’t want you to reach
that far back
Or come this close
To the truth,
Your eyes,
Like a mirror
I shall shatter
Like I do
To everything that makes me see.