To the girl I met a few years back
you changed my mindset so much
Growing up a religious zionist
I was brainwashed
to believe that people
like you
palestinainas
were bad
***** criminals and terrorists
you showed me
that you are a normal human being
who has been oppressed
in different and similar ways to me
it also showed me that loving women
exists in people of all different cultures
you were my first kiss in a gay bar in jerusalem
two people from two different homophic backgrounds
found a beautiful moment to cherish .
I loved to watch you on stage and sing your heart away
and talk about real life
I loved your red hair and your beautiful eyes
and the way you spoke hebrew and arabic.

To the other  arabic women who saved my life
the day after I was beaten by a jewish man ,
I never knew that kindness can come from the people
that I was taught to hate the most
so when people ask me
why am I so anti religion
its because religion preaches hatred
against people for no reason.

And I say the best way to know your views on life
is to experience them for yourself
I have lived among all different kinds of religous people
jewish people palestinians arabs asians etc...
it showed me what to truly think
that  harm is done on both ends
real truth is usually  found in the greys of life
and that love romance
and beautiful moments
can truly exist with people
that seem very different than you
but really we are all the same at heart
I have dated black people white people
Arabic people etc...
I think that the world needs to stop classifying people
so much
based on meaningless things
and start to judge people
by the kindness in their hearts
life here in Israel has taught me so much
more than so many other things in life
and the truth is truth is complex and not black or white
and most of the time when you call people out  on it
they don't want to take responsibility
so they try to gaslight you
but really people show you by their actions
how they truly feel about themselves.

I feel like the body
holds the pain
once I release it
I don't know who I am
anymore.

For so long
i have identified
with that pain
unknowingly.

Now that I
have noone
in my life .

Only me
I feel sad and ashamed
All I can do is think
the thoughts overwhelm me
and it feels like
I can't even breathe.
Not sure what to do anymore

I just know
I am meant to live the life
that I have always wanted to live
So I will keep on going
no matter what.

I will heal myself reclaim myself
love myself
and find myself.

My whole life
all i dreamed of was being free
in every way
free from religion
free from my toxic family
free from my toxic friends
but what I never realized
is that I have to free myself
in order to be the most
FREE!
so here's to
FREEDOM
the spirit of the equinox
and of Passover

I saw you today,
the man I hooked up with at this time
last year
the one who I really liked
but who was too embrassed to show me off,
the one who only cared about me for my body
but not for my soul
not for who I was,
the one who didn't respect me or my boundaries
I saw you today ,
and I felt stronger
than you
I saw you the real you ,
the one who is insecure
the one who doesn't know how to love or care about me,
If I could tell myself last year
I would say
judge people by how they treat you
and he doesn't deserve you at all.
So today you saw me
dressed up **** and beautifully
just so you could see
that now I am more powerful
I am stronger and I don't let men like you
take me down anymore or use me or shame me
today you stared at me
and I stared right back defiantely
knowing you can't take me down a peg anymore .
Promising to myself
I would rather be single
than settle for a shtty person like you .
That is strength
strength in choice.

You messege me
after almost a year of not speaking
telling me
how what you did to me
how you hurt me
haunts you
you are showing to me
that maybe you are human
maybe you can change
I want to believe
you
but you my brother
have hurt me in ways
that maybe I can forgive them
but forget them I never will
maybe we will be able to speak again
but I don't know if it can go back to the way it was
when we were young
when I trusted you
before you abandoned me
in all of the darkest hours of my life
when i had noone besides you
when I was homeless
beaten and broken.
I will give you another chance
but I don't know if I will ever let you in
closely
the way we were in the past
the wounds
the marks you said to me
about all of who I was
have hurt me so much
although
these things have helped me heal many
very deep things
I don't how what to say
other than
I will have my boundaries
and tread very carefully
and wait to see if your actions
prove your words right or wrong
other than that
not even sure what I have to speak to you
about anymore
I am a very different person now
in a good way
but also in a way of brokeness
in a way of wearing my edginess
as a pride
as a badge on my sides.
For I do not need to feel ashamed of who I am
anymore
for you did that for me.
I feel sorry sad and angry for you
I hope you have changed
the way you say you did.
I hope.
I hope I am not hoping falsely.

trippin'
dippin'
reality is wrippin
don't know where im going
but im allowing
free
through pain comes light
and through the shadows births light

since I was a child
I carried the shame
of feeling wrong
of feeling that I shouldn't be the way that I am
that I shouldn't view women in that way
that I shouldn't feel so much desire for them
that I shouldn't love them the way that I do
that I don't want this burden in my life
I feel like so many straight people
don't understand their privelage
especially the religious ones
I often wonder who else grew up gay or bisexual
from my religious class
are there others that are forced to live in quiet silence ??
I always felt afraid
and now that I am facing more of myself
and I watch the world around  me becoming more
homophobic
I genuinely feel scared and afraid to be out
I spent my whole life hiding
I don't wanna hide anymore
I wish I long for a world
where I don't have to worry if my country
will pass laws against me
where I don't have to walk in fear .

The more I heal
the more I cry
the memories
that I have supressed
start to come back to me
and while good,
how hard it is to remember
deep suffering.

All of the times
I would go home with a man
expecting love,
for my naeive heart
was never taught about the real world.

How I was brutally faced with cruelty
how I went to the police
and how they never ever fking cared
how everyone seems to have forgot about me
and my pain ,
how I am someone who has been so forgotten
how I smile and compliment  those who have hurt me,
out of habit
over  the fear of being hurt.

I wish I could stop !
How much I am trying to learn,
how not to just survive anymore
I am trying to learn how to live
for the first time in my life.

I am remembering the dark times
of when I lived on the
kibbutz
and how unsafe I felt there ,
sleeping on the cold floor
freezing
waking up early
breaking myself
sitting alone without friends,
how even my gay friend
objectified me there,
how the man I liked
and who treated me with kindness
couldn't stay.
How he was one of the people who truly  saw me,
how I was fired and sent off without a care in the world.
how the man at the hostel
assaulted me for hours
while I begged and screamed for him to stop
and noone cared except me.
I wish I could forget it all!

It hurts deeply to remember it all
so when people ask me if I smoke,
I now tell them never ,
and if they ask me if I drink I usually say only sometimes,
for it was by those means,
that my trauma came to me
most of the time.

But alas sometimes these things happened when I was sober
but it seemed like everyone else was so drunk with cruelty
and non chalatness to my pain.
I now have to train myself
show myself
convince myself
that good normal people exist,
and its a breath of fresh air and oxygen to see,
for when one is trained to be with cruelty
kindness seems rare,
when maybe it actually isn't,
I was just never brought up with it.
so there is my silent plea
of pain
of wanting to not be with my pain
but I don't have a choice,
sometimes it seems  I have so much of it,
you can see it written all over my face
buried deep in my eyes,
I wish I could  just wash it away
but the only way out
is through,
so each day I allow myself to cry
and with time
It is starting to feel a little bit better.

It doesn't take much
For a society to become authoritarian
First they start by labeling
The right ways to think
Be look and act
Than they
start
With masks
With doctors who give you pills instead of cures
To fuel their big time  money making machine,
Now I'm not saying it's all bad
Than mandatory vaccines
Monitering internet usage
Than it's inflation magically rising
Let's see how much we can crush our people,
Make them obey
Than it's creating artificial humans
Already see it coming ...

The books I read as a teen
With the foresight to know and understand it might happen ,

If you stay quiet your compliant.
So will you understand

The way this matrix
Programs you from birth
To hate  yourself,
To continue to buy things to feel better about yourself,

To force you into a system of  slave labor,
That ***** your soul and your life force,

That convinces you
Tricks you
To always live in survival,

So you can't ever truly relax.

I never realized I picked a country just like the USA but worse in some ways,

It definitely gives perspective
To leave religion
To exit many ideologies
And to see truth
For what it is
So will you remain asleep or choose to listen to yourself
And to awaken
The choice is only yours
And it's up to you
And you only.

Life is so weird
ain't it
I moved to israel
to leave my family and religion behind
but yet here i am faced with it all
probably to heal it all.
I live in an area with tonz of super religious jews
who remind me of the way that I was brought up and raised
remind me of how my dad still looks
and how my mother carries herself
but now I am on the other side
I am the one who the men look at it
and think wow she is not modest
she doesnt look jewish etc...
Now I look at the women wearing stockings and long skirts
and I feel their suffering
because I know how it felt for many many years of my life
to feel opressed while not knowing that I was
and was forced to dress "lady like"
to cover my legs and scorch in the heat
while I would judge wish and wander
what it would be like to dress like a women
like me now in the current day
ain't it weird how life teaches us
and shows us
ain't it weird how sometimes it may take many years
but we can accomplish the goals and wishes we had.
So each summer now that I get to wear shorts jeans
a bikini a short sleeve shirt a tank top
and to wear my curves with grace instead of shame
that is a win for me and my inner child
each time I get to eat what I want
and not have to keep the laws of the opressive religion that I was born into
is freedom to me
it is still taking time to heal those wounds
but many times I look back and I see how grateful I am
to not be religious and to live the life that I want
so I am
so very grateful.

Looking back on the past year
I see so much pain
and so much healing.
I see so much resilance and strength
and so much cruelty
from so horrific men
that I met
when I craved love like a drug
and used the sx as an addiction.
I wish I could share my stories
but they are too graphic even for my mind
all I know is there are so many reasons
why I hate so many men
it hasn't come because I have wanted
Today  all I wanted to   do is cut off my *******
because it feels so hard
to live in this curvy body
a reminder of my pain
every single day
the feeling of objectifiation
from  men
but than craving it
a vicious cycle .

I wish for world peace for
equality in humanity.
But for now I focus on healing myself
because I don't know if i can do much else.

Its like a shattered heart
the mess drains everywhere
infiltrates into everything
covered like mud
covered in blood shacked
blood stained
mired  veins
it drips
;
my nature that was once
so sacred to me
like a shelter
is now muddled too
with the  same pain
with the shame
of ****** assault !

I've been through it so so many times
yet after each time I shudder
violently
as if to  ask myself
but why ??
why how could you ??!!
cause me and others
so much pain
so much horror
and trauma
that the soiled faces of all those
who have betrayed me
and hurt me
come up
unfiltered
in my memory bank
but I feel afraid to feel them
yet see them
because the pain
I feel
puts everything at stake
so I hide it from everyone
even myself
pertending that I am okay
but inside ,well not really
especially not when it comes to this!
I would love to know true love
without abuse or terror
and I am still waiting for that
and I won't ever give up !

the anger seeps through my body
hot like fire
soft and hard like led
I am not sure
if all of the anger
that I feel inside of me
is because of
Israel in itself
or if its because
I am angry at myself and
at the world that was built
around me from my trauma
I keep on wanting to travel to escape
and I am not sure if that's me
or if its my trauma responding to me
the other side of me misses america
with my heart and soul
but that too feels bad
maybe the world is just dark
right now
and I feel it.
I am angry at the school that scammed
me
and took so much money from me
The only thing that comforts me is
knowing that the universe
protects sees and knows.
my pain
and sees it all.

I see
my family all together
except me,
I can't but help to remember my dream
that I had
a few weeks ago,
I came into my home
yelled at my father
looked at him
and said" I know what you did"!
"I know what you did to me and all of your children"!
I REMEMBER!!!!!

Each day,
the flashbacks are starting to return
the memories
so greusome,
return to me
and all I Can do is choke inside,
and feel nauseous
want to *****,

the glass shattered
he stood there in shock and couldn't answer
I walk to my room
and it was all there
as if I  hadn't left or changed
but that old life
felt like a stranger to me now,
and me I was different now
more healed more in my power
more alive
with better boundaries,
and self worth.

I looked at my mom
who is not thin anymore,
and I think so really all along
your hatred towards yourself
was projected on to me.

when I see children with their parents
my heart aches so deeply,
all I wanna do is crawl inside and hide
and die.
For the pain inside overwhelmes me,
all I remember is so many horrible things.

It seems they have all tried to forget me and  erase me,
but it really makes me wander is that ,
because real truth, in the midst of dysfunction
is always true .
Whether people want to try to hide it or cover it up ,
so no matter what  they try to do .

I am their daughter
and I will always remember
and never forget.

I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

Within my tears
I find freedom
I find peace
I find sense
I find strength.
I am finding the love for myself
the peace within my pain,
the stillness.

where it all starts to make sense
how much I didn't love myself,
so of course I couldn't really receive that back to me.
I am crying for my old selves that didn't know how to love myself
I think the true home is found within ,
the more I heal
the more I love
the more I open,
I want to live a life with more softness
I don't need to grimace at life anymore.
Strength is inner strength
resilance
boundaries
finding meaning within pain
living especially when you don't want to,
smiling at the little things.
I have always been very strong
maybe I can also be soft.
like the earth
like the children
like the  water
like the body
strength is not in voilence
in war the way that the patriarchy
wants me to believe,
its in choosing kindness over pain
in choosing love over fear
in choosing ourselves over abuse
this is true strength!
In crying,
In allowing ourselves to feel,
truly and deeply.
This is strength,
healing from addictions
this is strength.

I don't feel safe again
in my own bed
a sea of naseu
forms my lips
here I was drugged
touched
hurt
here I told him no
last night ,
here he touched me again again
I said no
again the kiss
forbidden
he says sorry
and thinks he's okay
I wish one day
someone could see my pain
and tell me that this is not okay
but no one really cares so much
because I am alone.
so alone...
when I went to the police
beaten and raw
they tell me
I'm a mess that its my fault
you get away with it
with your lies and narcissim
but inside me
all I feel is screams
raging
arms
people tryin to shut me out
tryin to ****** my soul
my spirit
but here I am still fighting
to thrive,
from when
I was always silent
SILENT
when my DAD
***** me
when my Brothers touched me
no one cared
no one cared
my mom hurt me
threw me away,
when I came to the police
with so much proof
no one cared
When I told others
and told my boundaries
no one cared
she asked for it
shes fat
shes a loser
does anyone understand
how much abuse shatters inside
it makes me feel
like no matter how much progress I make
like I'm just pulled back to another cycle
of it
of abuse of pain
of wanting to die all over again
of seeing my abusers
still livin'
still alive
still laughing
someone make it
JUST STOP!
Make all of them hurt
because the pain is just
unbearable inside
so I cry to my dieties
in my room
and sing on top of my lungs
out of my pain
;
You will still never break me
I will still  publish my poetry
so I have a place for my words
for my voice
because I never did .
I will publish my songs about my abuse
I will publish my voice
so everyone will know
about my stories of how I saved myself
from my darkness!
These men think
that I am weak
but I see right through you
and you are horrid
just evil inside
and I hope one day your  karma
will come and  take care of you
within your right time.

my whole life
i was taught
that i must be someone
important impressive
that I must get amazing grades
that i must always look perfect
that I must get married young
and birth many children
to stay silent
while putting up with abuse
to stay silent
while the cult of religion
fed me lies
to not ask questions
to shut up
to not look at pain in the face
and  instead to numb myself
to punish myself
to force myself to be on a crazy healthy diet
to drown myself
to protect myself from my pain
that I can't ever be authentic
because noone wants to hear my voice
that I shouldn't talk because I stutter
that I shouldn't bother asking questions about the meaning of life
because nothing matters anyways
that I should cover my knees my legs my collarbone
my elbows
that a man shouldn't look at me
and sin
and that I am the source of sins.
My whole life I was fed lies about what it meant to be a women
which was mostly opression
I was taught forced opression
so its no wonder I mostly didn't want to be one.
Now I realize as hard as it might be
I don't owe anyone or anything any of this
and I can be a women
without needing to wear makeup shave or be submissive
or I can when I choose to be
I can choose to be my full self
even if others reject me
even if others try to shame me or dim my light
for still my whole life as recent as even last night
women have rejected me
ignored me and shamed me
and men have as well
maybe the lesson  is to love ourselves
so much  so that what they say or think
doesn't have to matter
that knowing ourselves
loving ourselves
and being kind to ourselves
is the greatest gift
we can give ourselves
for we come into this world alone
and we die and will be buried alone
for its okay to be average
in a beautiful way
as long as our life has meaning to us.

I just remembered
how the best friend that  i thought  i had growing up
who was also my first love
how horrible she and my other friends were too m e
throughout my whole life
I still don't understand how people can be so so horrid,
how when I was bullied throughout my life, they never cared
how when I confronted her about at age 21 she couldn't believe me,
how they gaslit me and my pain
how they defended my enemies
the ones who scorched me alive with their words
the one who sided with my own mother and parents,
when I told her how much they abused me
& how my dad  ***** me so much,
that they made me at that time, want to slit my throat
and still she proceeded on.

Now i see you and your true colors
your all liars & horrible people
and I am so blessed that I cut you all out of my life.

The ones who took advantage of
my love my kindness my pure heart
the one who only wanted her whole life
to be loved in the way that I tried to love others.
All my ex friends ex family& ex flings
everyone used me and bullied me.

Does anyone fathom the pain?!!

I just don't relate to most people
who say oh I went through a few hard things,
my whole life for along while ,
it was hell on earth
i don't know  how I'm alive
I don't
but I promise to myself
that number one I will create goodness in the world
and i will not shut up about my past
so that other  people know that this level of abuse is truly out there,
so that they also know that is is possible to heal
from all of this pain and move on and create beauty out of pain.

How so many souls are tortured alive
by their own blood
by the people who claim to love  them
and really are just waiting to stab them
when their flesh is still raw
when people would blame me for the rapes done to me
of how much real religion is  a machine for torture and  abuse
of how much hell truly goes on,
how its hard to look in the mirror
or  to feel my body sometimes
because its known so much pain
to feel so much pain for just being a women
that your whole life  you thought you wanted to be both a girl and a boy
and really now realizing now,
that  I was just abused horriffcly
that feeling growing up  that I was a women, felt so so unsafe,
so that's how many women feel in 2023
this world needs to change
and i won't shut up about it.

rebirth
from dead
I pick myself up,
it smells
like burnt ashes,
go out
and act all friendly to the ones around me,
while hoping all the while
that they can't see my
ever bleeding broken shattered
flaming heart
I don't know what is true these days,
at times
sniff the air
it smells burnt around me
I realized men had hurt me so much
I was afraid to say that I liked them
and that I like both guys and girls
but the truth is
that when I look back
my heart has been so devasted broken in half
by so many men and women
and still rebirth from the dead is possible
when we can't see the light
we think that we can't go on
but than somehow we gather the strength to,
my whole life I bit my tongue
held my breath
held my opinions to myself
couldn't see myself out of the pit
that I was in
but now
now I see.

I think found is
a state of seeing the
grass around me
staring at the sky
at the birds flying above me
being a teacher
and watching the children's
eyes light up when they see me
to feel that I am making the world a little
bit better
than I found it
to add some more light into a place of darkness
to start to accept myself love myself more
to start to like looking in the mirror sometimes
to start to realize that I was never the problem
I always sought out situations with people
who were very low class
in the way they viewed the world
in the crass horrific way they treated people
and in the drugs they used
maybe the problem was never me
all along
maybe I was a gem
hidden for so long
a diamond in the rough
maybe I am better than I imagined
viewing my life
as if a passerby
someone else stares back at me
with those soulful eyes
as I chatter back in Hebrew
a language  almost as old as time itself
I feel a familarity
in the air
maybe its a sense of coming home
coming home
to the child inside of me
who tells me that she now feels happy
sometimes
who tells me how sad but releaved she feels
how I remember more and more
I feel even more determined
to protect these babes
in the ways that I never was
to tell them that they are beautiful
smart and kind
as if I am telling that to myself
because I am
a cold heart
can melt away
and turn into a feeling one
it just takes time
as she takes a deep breath
and sighs and says
hmm yes healing takes time
and sometimes many many breakdowns
and healing many fears to get there
for the only way out is through.
Maybe the darkness
doesn't need to last forever
when we learn to heal our own darkness
and to learn to listen to ourselves
so deeply and so purely
to believe that we are so worthy
and than we are shown
that we are
and always were so worthy
for I was always trying to find me
and maybe the me
was always there all along
for we are always love deep down
for when you see children
they are love
and when we see animals and  nature
they are love
they are what gives me love
happieness and joy
I believe if we all learn how
to return to that state
the world will be more of a utopia
so for now all I have is myself
and the beating fire of my heart
that I am so happy
that I am still alive
still standing in my body
and with my eyes
that have seen so so much
in this life
for I feel so so old
ancient almost
but still ever ever so young
and filled with more hope
than I have in a very very long time
for it feels as if my heart is starting to beat
slowly once again.

It seems this week all I have done
is cry cry cry
loudly quietly
for hours
on and off
like tears dripping down
off window panes
like rain on cloudy nights
maybe that's why I always felt alone
with my pain,
in the rain .

Its like when the world cries
I feel at home
when there was chaous around me
I felt all right
I am healing
but deep within this
is the pain
that I have never grieved,
and **** is it deep
the pain
of never truly being loved
by my family,
the pain of  the holidays
growing up,
of the constant yelling
and feelings of rejection that I carried
with me,
from my parent's silent and loud pains
from the fact that I can't talk to my family or my old friends anymore
because they weren't ever truly kind for me or too me
and now especially now with this pain
I can't handle them
the pain of craving
people and relationships so deeply
but I just sit there quietly numb
in pain
laughing hiding concealing
making sure not to share too much
because it would show my" darkness"
that gets me swept away in it
to lie and tell others
"yes I have family  to go to for this
Rosh hashana ".
when really
I HAVE NOONE!

To lie about me and who I am
because I fear many don't want to know
and I have learnt to share my real truth,
when I know that I can trust.
It just feels inauthentic to me,
but I need protection.

Truth is
I give off a tough exterior
with my tough eyes
and piercing stares,

But really inside
I am a deeply soft
deeply feeling loving
and kind deeply hurting person
who feels that these things are not really seen
in this world,
at large
and this is why most of the time
I save my tears for private
and while I sometimes dance in public
most of the time
I glare and stare
instead of smile .

It took me so so fuking long
to realize what you did to me
I saw you today walking down the street
you piece of sht
when I asked you about your mental health
you told me you have great mental health
well no wonder
your a predator
a manipulative abusive
piece of sht
I am so so angry
I was trauma bonded to you for so long
You payed for all of my meals and pertended to be such a gentleman
I actually thought you were different than the rest
that I had met
after you came into my life
and broke me
I stopped dating and everything pretty much
I am so so angry
the anger feels like chaous inside
whats' more messed up
is because of all of the trauma that these men have put me through
I have been in so much pain for so long because of all of the unprocessed trauma
FK you
I will rise up
claim myself
and live a beautiful life
and get better and better with time
as a gaint FK You to you and to all the other
men who stole my innocence joy and love from my heart
and replaced it with so much pain for the longest time
and tried to bind me to you
but thankfully I got out
no longer a slave to other people
only in service to myself.

Always hid myself
Behind makeup
Behind fancy clothing
Behind needing to always be with people
But what I'm realizing
Is that I am still beautiful
Even more so maybe
Without makeup
With my acne
With my scars
With my beautiful curvy body
With wearing simplier comfier clothing
With embracing my natrual gifts and talents
Loves and joys
By opening up my heart to life
But still keeping to my boundaries
By being more present
By admiring the orange trees and flowers growing on the side of the road
With my coffee and prayers in hand
To appreciate the books
The seen and the unseen
To love and care for planet earth
To help others feel loved in my presence
And to live a slower life
To love my traditions my roots
To appreciate where I came from
While still loving and embracing my current Israeli life ✨
Things don't need to be perfect or photoedited
To be beautiful and pure
In fact in a world of plastic surgeries and fakness
Maybe it is that much more beautiful to be real and raw ✨🧿

The city burned with a fire
I felt consumed by it
I found you with your dark eyes
your smile
your kindness
we stood
sat
on your porch
I felt loved
I felt alive
I felt seen
I felt whole
we went on that date
I felt like you saw my soul
I felt taken
I felt whole
I miss you
I miss you so much

My whole life everyone has abused me
hurt me
tried to shrink me
laughed at me, when I was down
spat at me
and told me I was nothing.

Now you know whats even better
the men who laugh at me objectify me
the women who insult me my body
and who I am,
think that I am worthless
maybe you haven' experienced what I have in life,
but I will say this,
you haven't seen me in my villian era.

See many feminists
won't actually admit
that women
can be just as bad as men or worse
see it ain't about gender
its about a certein kind of people
who are rotten to the core,
and they don't show their face,
until after they are done.

But KARMA sees and knows.

oh so this goes out to all my haters
everyone that acted like my friend
and was my actual flesh and blood
who harassed my body
made ****** jokes about me
who hate me for just existing,
well really you just hate yourself
and when these things have happened to me
I would just wanna die
and say what's the point??

and I still feel that way ,
but this time
I am even more empowered
to be even more in my power
and to not allow those who are
toxic as hell
to take me down anymore!

One day I will meet my people
and the ones who deserve it will
get what they need,
because that's how the universe works
I trust it
I have my whole life,

always tried to be the good person
but no more.
I just laugh
because its always the men
who claim to be feminists
and woke,

its the women who pertend to be awakened and spiritual
y'all are just lying pieces of sht
so don't pertend to be awakened
when clearly your just a piece of hell.
I hope you learn your lesson
because I ain't being around you anymore.

I allow the dark feminine to rise within me
and I say enough is fcking enough!!

I have realized
life is really about perspective
for all the years i lived here
all I could see was the darkness in others
because that's all I saw in myself
and now that i am slowly starting to see myself
to love myself and to accept myself even just a little bit more
I am starting to see the light in others around me
the kindness in others
of how kind and loving Israelis are
and that women can be very kind and very loving
I am starting to see the men around me too
become more kind and loving.
Maybe life is more simple than we think it is
maybe a huge part of healing
is just changing our perspective
of ourselves
and the world within and around us.

I think its a longing
to be safe
like I am swimming in the ocean,
and I feel safe and calm
the way I feel with animals
I think that's the way I want to feel with myself
for we always chase what we long to feel within
and its never ending
maybe its the longing to feel at home with my face with my body
the other day I actually looked in the mirror and felt content with myself
and my percieved flaws ,
I felt so happy with who I am
and who I am becoming
maybe its learning to be our own cheerleader
that when our inner child is crying out in pain
and is gasping for life
we can tell her
baby we love you
it will all be okay .
and we learn how to stand up for ourselves
once and for all
I always wanted to be saved by others
now I am learning how to save myself
and how to be my own savior.

You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.

Today is holocaust remembrance day here
and yet the world is still such a hateful place,
it worries me so much
I as a Jew have been brought up
on so many  horror stories
they tell us as children
your ancestors
were murdered starved and  were beaten for being Jewish
for thousands and thousands of years
most recently being in 1939
but there are many hate crimes that have happened since then.

When I lived in America
I too felt that hatred
towards me
because I was a Jew
in 2019
so it made me leave
to my jewish country.
where we are still killed for being here
for just existing
its like with each death
my heart becomes more and more numb
to the death of my people
all because of needless hate
I wonder if  hate can do that ,
can love heal this and heal us ?
or when my  great grandparents felt that hatred too,
In Germany in 1924, so they left in 1926.

love can truly heal our world
I still will believe that ,
no matter what.

Maybe this sounds hippie of me
although some might classify me as that
being who I truly who I am ,
but I can't be classified
into to tiny boxes,
just to please others.
:
Its like I left therapy
and I felt so free
more free than I have felt ,
in the longest time
realizing that who we are
is always who we are
even though
my" family and friends",
spend decades hurting me
because they hated who I was,
for whatever reason that is,
maybe its  because I break
their expectations of what a woman
is suppose to be like,
act like and who
she is suppose to love,
some will say I'm a rebel
a ****
a witch
a ******
an emo
a freak
a loser
messy
etc...
I've been called it all...
maybe others can't stand
to see others living more in their authentic truth,
so they like to hurt and project their pain onto others,

maybe our bodies and minds
hold back certein truths about ourselves
so that we don't see it until we are more ready to love ourselves,
           :
Its like for so long
I liked certein types of men
that I was raised to hate,
because they weren't "man enough."

I was forced to live without boundaries
to like people that were abusive
because that's all that I knew,
when the whole time my body always knew the truth.

or that I was forced to hide my love for women,
because I was brought up in a home and in a religion
where if you are one of those,
the shame the level of being ostracized is so high,
I remember hearing stories of "the gays"
growing up
while always internally knowing,
that part of me is like that too,
to be able to sit with a therapist
and have her say to me
who you are is perfectly alright,
and  that it doesn't quite matter,
you have choice
you are free!!!

See that I've never had in my life,
the more I step away from the horrors of my old life,
the more I am able to acknowledge
how horrific it was,
and sometimes just the fact that,
I am alive and breathing is a blessing
in itself.
If you made it this far ,
leave a comment below
and tell me if you relate:)

Feeling joy is in the small things
the way the wind brushes on my hair and skin
the way the beautiful sun beats down on my face
sparkling and sprinkling me with little freckles
all along my face and body
Feeling joy
is sitting in my garden
typing out poetry
vibin' to music
its coffee in the morning
its toast with cheese
its iced coffee
watching the waves on the beach
its walking to the beach every weekend
and seeing the blue sky
and the ocean melt into one
its the smell of summer on my lips
its feeling the water
and waves crash my body
its feeling free from religion
knowing I never have to experience that oppression again
its sipping ice cream spontaneously
its petting the cats and speaking to them
its hugging trees
its sitting in meditation
and feeling the peace come and calm my body and soul
its looking at my clean house
its learning to love my body for the first time in my life
loving my curves
starting to actually accept who i am
behind the silence of my walls
learning what it means to finally be me!

You asked me what's wrong
you looked at my face
really looked at me
you said I am so sorry
you said
would you like a hug
I nodded
you hugged me and pulled me so close
I felt your heart beating
I never wanted the moment to stop
and that's when I realized
how lonely and
starved for touch I am
when I see other people my age
having friends
and relationships
and having adult jobs
I cry inside
my soul starves inside
asking
how long
until its my turn?
when will it be my turn??
Its been so hard for me to ask for what I want
for I feel so starved for affection
but I told my friend to
respect me and my time
for if I don't care for myself
how can anyone else truly care for me?
true love
true care
is not being treated as a second option
its not someone calling you out of guilt
its not someone stepping on your boundaries
apologizing
and than doing it again
its not making someone wait for you all the time.

I am still waiting for it to be my turn
but I am learning to choose myself first.
as painful and as hard as that is
to be truly alone
in this world.

For not many I think
truly care for me at the moment.

It hurts so much!

I think I have lived my whole life
with an open bleeding broken heart.

I cope with music and with art.

I feel so behind everyone else in life.

Now when its war time
I can't help but feel,
now everyone knows how it feels
to live
with so much trauma.

Still I don't want pity
I want healthy connections
and a meaningful life
filled with so many beautiful safe adventures
I will never ever give up .

If self love was a song it would look like
comforting my inner child
looking at her with love
listening to her cries
feeling her joy pulse out of her
in her beautiful curls from age three and on
it would look like
claiming myself
saying goodbye to toxicity
treating myself as number one
saying goodbye to the energy vampires
narcissits
doing the things that makes my heart leep with joy
it feels like dancing my *** of f
in the kitchen
hugging the trees in the park like no one is watching
petting the cats
allowing my freaky flag to fly
telling my child that she is always always so safe with me
hugging her ,crying with her
validating her feelings
learning to respect my no's
and learning to be my own safe space
it feels like sunshine freckles
beaches
warm water
reading all of the fantasy romance books
and feeling finally happier and freer.

As I see the world cheering for our  deaths
yelling gas the jews
as if they think that will bring peace and freedom
all I can think about and cry
beyond my numbness of pain
is think of you and how i remember you
your beautiful nails
your beautiful smile
your hebrew
the way you played with all of the children
it aches me everyday since the war started
not knowing if your alive
all I can do is hope
and pray that your okay
or that if your dead
that you went without pain
my heart can't hold all this pain
I greet each of my friends and ask them how they are
grief stings the air
like a spell
everyone is grieving
everyone knows someone
who was burnt kidnapped killed
***** or kidnapped
I would love for the westeners to live here one day
and see what its like
to actually live here
instead of just seeing things from a biased one perspective
life especially war is complicated ******
and painful
and evil knows no bounds
today i saw a picture
of a girl that was burnt alive
I can't help but hope
that you didn't die like that
I hope that you went to the wrong party
and that you are sitting in your house
in the north
smiling sipping coffee
and singing israeli music
I hope and pray that your okay
I pray and I cry ..

I remember
how it felt
to be beaten
how it felt to be broken
how it felt to be dark
how it felt
to be so helpless
how the men tried to ******* me
how I even in my place of terror
refused
how I always chose life
even when all the parts in me
begged for death
I remember how it felt
to run for my life
each time the missile alarms sounded
how I felt
knowing I might die at any moment
I remember how it felt
to be so poor
to feel so starving
I remember how it felt
to look my pain in my eyes
and wish it away
I remember how it felt
to feel the pain in my body
of where they all hurt me
of where my brokeness lied
I remember how it felt to be used
abused
beaten
kicked out
abandoned
disrespected
I remember
so I vow to love myself
to hug myself in my darkness in my pain
I remember
I am not shocked by pain
its something i understand deeply
for death is like pain
and pain is like death
one can die while they are alive
I have had so many times in my life
where I don't know how I survived
now I am choosing life
in a place reeked with death
I am choosing more presence
I am choosing to follow my goals
to live my life
the way I want to
I am working on choosing my bravery.

I am wide awake
I see the brutal horrific truth now
how much my father abused me as a child
as a baby
the fire inside of me burns
its so so FKING painful !!!!!

I see the truth now
how most of the" boys" that I dated
abused me so so horrifically !!

I see the truth now
how trauma bonded I was
and how it wasn't my fault!!

I see the truth  now
how much I hated myself for no FKING reason!
I see myself now
more of myself,
and how amazing I am
because I am  ME!

I see the truth now
that I don't need to compete with others to be loved,
I just need to exist
to breathe
to be worthy!

I see the truth now
that everyone,
has their own path their own journey
their own beauty !
How we each have our own gifts and tests in this life
how we are all one!

I see the truth now
how you assaulted me
manipulated me ,and abused me!

How his beatings hurt me
my mind, my body ,my soul
but still I am free
still I am rising above it all
I see the truth now
that my strength is my power.

I see the truth now
that so many times
it was other people being wounded
and their projections of pain onto me.

I see the truth now
good kind loving amazing people really do exist!

I see the truth now
I am worthy of so much love so much goodness!

I see the truth now
I am love !

I love myself,
I see the truth now,
everything is about  intention!

I danced today
and felt so free
blessed and alive!

I see the truth  now
I was always always,
amazing ,because I am me!

I see the truth now,
that none of my abuse
was my fault!

I see the truth
that life truly happens for me!

I can take responsibility  of myself and my life
and the truth is sometimes it hurts  like fking hell!
Before it can empower you !

I see the truth,
that this pain is heavy harsh raw and painful as FKING HELL!!!

I see the truth that there are many things that I don't undrstand
but I can still build from the pieces.

I went to the beach today
I felt glimmers of hope
of presence of moments
without pure self hatred
moments of peace
moments of self love
its like watching myself slowly emerge
from a deep mountain of sht
that kept me locked up for so long
I am really trying to be patient with my progress
while healing from more than one addiction
chronic pain and complex post trauma ,
I always reflect why do I have to heal from so much
and to withstand so much terror in my life
more than most people I know my age,
or older.
It always come back to people
who have large amounts of pain
have a big purpose in this life
to help others heal through
and emerge from their own hells
I feel this is why
and it helps me get through days,
because many days it feels really hard still.
I reflect on the small things because it helps
and writing helps keep me sane.

I remember laying on the beach with you
the night we met
talking beneath the stars
about conciousness about life
about lonlieness
and at the time
I didn't quite understand your words
or understood why a man as talented kind
and as loving as you
wouldn't have friends
but now I see 2 years later
I see why
you told me
I was your first kiss
at 25
we kissed under the moonlight
not sure if it was because you had a bad vibe
or because my heart was so wounded
that I was so afraid I pushed you away
I still think about you form time to time
and wander how you are,
if we could catch up talk about life
over a cup of coffee
interesting how you don't seem to
value things until they are no longer
there in your life.

If I could tell my younger self
id say its so worth it to choose you
over your abusers
and that was never love
it was pain
it was terror it was abuse
better to spend a holiday alone
vibing out
or even crying out and feeling your feelings
while lovingly
drying our own tears and pain
than being with people who will never see us
or love us and our light
and that it was never our fault
not our bodies's fault or our brain's fault
that beauty is in everyone
and that we don't need to compete with others
in order to feel or be loved
that love is unconditional.
and that love is true love
when we are sovereign.
I love you .
That's all.

I just
I feel so angry
like I might just explode
my dreams have been so vivid lately
I just wish that I could have a nice real conversation
with a man
without him being disrespectful or being manipulative
is that so much to ask ??
Its like for so long I denied the reality of the world
because I only wanted to see the good in people
but now the more that i heal
the more that i see alot of the real ugliness of the world
and I wish I didn't have to see it
but because of my life experiences
I can't unsee it
I feel it is my duty
to speak out
publicly
against the violence done to young women especially
and the pain we face
yes it is so hard
and being a smart confident women
people try to tear you down sometimes
but I don't want to hide away anymore
I want to shine brightly
make a difference in the world
no matter how small
heal have a relationship that is worthy of me
and my presence
and have meaningful friendships
Is that so much to ask?
I know patience is a virtue
but it feels hard lately.

went out today
worked on really not oversharing
it feels really hard to mask
but what can I do
I live in a world with certein social rules
although I may not understand them
I am really trying hard to
and that's all that I can do.
I saw the girls that I know sitting on the side
so I ask them how they are and try to make conversation
and they just don't really care.
I wish I didn't care
and sometimes I wish I couldn't feel energies
its intense.

Crying for all of the years of my whole life
where I couldn't cry
where I was so numb
since I was still such a baby
where I would cry and noone would come to comfort me
the other day I held the baby in my arms balling and crying
and I tried so hard to be patient with her ,
to hug her to have her laugh
it felt like my inner baby,
felt so comforted so alive
for the first time.

When I am with little children
I see my inner child
smiling back at me,
telling me good job
your finally starting to look at me
to remember our story,
because I though you had forgotten about  me
I cry as I  hold my own hand
over my heart,
I cried looking at my old videos and pictures
I cried looking starting to see myself ,
my grace
my beauty of my soul,
for probably the first time in my life!

Realizing all the lies I was taught about humanity,
how the only way to get love is competition,
if we are skinny pretty ,smartest the best
and I want to say to all that it is bllshit.

For today for one of the first times in my life
in my bigger body,
I thought maybe my body and who I am is amazing,
for I am me .
Maybe i am not afraid if I would gain weight one day
for I would still be amazing.
And there will always be people who will love me for me
maybe my whole life,
I  was obsessed with romance
when really all  I just wanted  was to actually love myself!

Although I still long deeply for a partner
for I have never had one,
I am working on trying to make this life better
and looking at my progress!

It's strange after I cry
I look in the mirror
and I swear my face looks better
and my heart feels a little bit better!

So I cry,
for all the years I  forced myself to smile,
instead of cry
for all the years ,
that I hid my anger under smiles...
I now play angry music and scream sometimes
silently sometimes loudly.

I am still learning to be comfortable, to be okay
with my anger.

Realizing my soul
has always been pure,
despite everything.

Realizing my trauma was not my fault
not my body's fault
and it was never my fault.

Thinking if I could meet my mom as a child I would tell her
to heal herself
to learn how to love herself
to choose better men
to go to therapy
to learn to love her imperfections
and that she too can love her bigger body.

I wish I could tell that to her...
for despite all of the abuse
I still love my family
I looked at their pictures
my mother my father and my brothers.

I feel so abandoned
but I have always felt this burden inside
I cried for my childhood and my adulthood pain
but knowing that was never love, what they gave me
it was mostly just abuse
for however hard it is ,
I will create my own family
in this life,
and maybe one day things will change
but the only thing
that I can change,
is myself,
it hurts so deeply.

Especially sitting alone in my
apartment ,
on holidays.
It hurts!

I wish I could share my pain
with others,
but alas
I am not sure who can actually relate to me.

I am sure there are many
who like me,
are silent with their pain
and just save their tears for their beds
at night .

But I see pain
its something I understand so deeply.

I would cry as a child
to god to take the pain away,
and I would pray for so many people
just like I would always pray for myself.

I am choosing to see my light
within my darkness
for they are all connected .

I love to write
when the rain pitter patters on my
window pain
lovin healin
my inner me
my inner child
showin myself the love
that I never received from others
healing my wounds
lovin levelin up
my life as a whole
happier to be me
we truly are
what we consume
and that shapes us into who we
truly become
watch it
love it
learn it
and soak up the joy
that is you
and be happy to be you
you are worthy of love
worthy of joy
worthy of the best in the world
don't listen to societie's judgements
of self
most are sick and hurt
once you give compassion to you
you can give compassion to others
and learn to love you
and love who you can
truly be and become.

last night in my dreams
Last night
I saw you
the memories that I tried to push away
of 2 years  ago
when I was so happy and excited to wear my first ever bikini
for I had spent so much of my life religious
where I thought I had met the cutest israeli guy
who I thought was so handsome and sweet
but how sweet
torture can taste
when we think torture is love
we went to the beach
you watched me and tried to **** me while the beach was filled with people
and I didn't realize it
I guess I didn't realize it
because it had happened so often beforehand
of me being abused by men
that it just doesn't hit you
or hurt you the same anymore
I guess some people can ask
why do you write such dark poetry
because this was my life
its not just poetry
i have lived this life for so so long
and I could never scream
I was always so silent
stuck in a never ending muffled scream
from the time I was a child and my father would hurt me
and my mother would laugh at me
and I learnt that my voice doesn't matter anymore
so why would it matter if i scream
noone would hear me anyways
now I am working on
making myself heard
even if it means being alone
so in the past couple of months
I have stopped dating men
stopped having toxic friends
and cut off everyone in my family
for they all bullied me
I want to give hope to maybe even just one person
that no matter if you come from a family and a life
like mien
where the abuse is so intense
it breaths like cuts that run so deep
like shards through your chest
that you think are life giving
so you run back wanting more
where you think ****** assaults
and **** is love
where you think objectifation
and patriarchy is love
no it is not!

To all the men and women who tortured me
and laughed at my screams
one day you will see me
and I will make my comeback
this is the only thing that keeps me going
most of the time is learning to hear my own cries
its learning to  hug myself alone in my room
because right now no one else will
its writing all the time
for it gives me life
its grieveing
a past so painful
that I just feel like
I can't breathe most of the time
its carrying the deepest and saddest pain inside of me
that I can create so much art from it.
for art is created from pain.

Anger seeps through me
and runs through my veins
activated Godess dark energy
unites within me
I want to stop being afraid
face my demons head on
and stop muffling my screams and cries
repression no more
It is too hard to hold anymore.

It's like a hunger
but larger than one for food
that almost consumes me.
Its a hunger for love
for real acceptance
for others seeing me as who
I AM
without masks
with being able to be free
from the never ending ache and pain
in my soul ,
of utter rejection and torture
by my own flesh and blood,
each birthday that passes
each shabbat dinner that passes
and each  holiday that I live on ,without them.

Feels like a possession in a way.

I am  yet so free on one hand
but on the other hand I still feel  so trapped in pulsating pain

But why do we fear pain ??

maybe if we take our pain and our fears
and we learn to love it ,
to sit beside it,
with our demons,
we can learn how to truly love and live life,
more fully and more deeply
          
I am learning to accept
that this pain is me,
and I am this pain,
and I am my feelings, but I am also not them
that I can choose the trajectory  of my life
to learn how powerful I truly am.
               ^
How one look or stare
can bring people to their knees.
                     ^
see because  when you have lived through things like I have
you really understand pain more than anything else,
Pain is the central emotion,
that I felt so much that I was numb for so long
now I am carrying my pain and allowing it to be heard
slowly more and more
to sit in the fields
and to just scream my guts out
and to yell all the curses outloud,
                     ^
I have seen and lived through more pits
of unbearable hell.
Than most,
who  haven't survived,
nonethless I came out alive
which is a big feat in itself.
                            ^
I feel that I can read people's secrets through their eyes
the things they don't wanna tell others
the desires that they try to suppress deep inside.
                           *
But what I have learned
is that religion or culture might try to suppress
what they think
is "bad" or "wrong".

But that is what all humans crave on some level,
and until we sit and see this and own all of this.
only than can we be truly free
and it gives you true power,

Not fake power,
see I have met many "successful people"
in my life
but most lived in a prison
of the rat race
or of religion
and that is true prison ,
you can be rich and be free
it is all choice,
and I think the greatest power
is to be in the process
of truly being who you are
regardless,
if many reject you or hate you ,
usually it is because you have a really great purpose
in this world,
because the ones that people judge the most,
Are usually  the ones that are the most powerful desired
successful and happy people.

I saw his face
As I encountered  one of my enemies,
and I told  him with pride and with so much anger inside me
"I know what you did to me
last night on the porch
and I will tell everyone ,
until you get punished.
You will know how to properly treat a woman."

As the boss of the hostel
spat words in my face,
as he blamed it on me.
I knew again
what it was,
my body,mind and soul remembered
that it was just like
when I went to the police stations
for the other men who had hurt me and violated me
and how noone cared , how they told me
that I was messed up, how they treated me like I was
a ***** little ****.  
How I was blamed for it again and again and again
how the inner child ,the inner girl inside me
was drowning in so much pain ,
bleeding from the pain and humuliation
that burned so much,
when the abuse burned me so much ,
that I had no where to stay and no one to talk to about it,
and I thought I would die  inside and outside.
All I wanted  my whole life was to be safe.
So again I ran...
I ran away from,
the toxic  religion that I had left 3 years ago ,
that politely taught me
and not so politely lied to me
that if you were modest you were safe,
or that the way you were treated was based entirely on you .
Than I ran away from my country ,
ran away to a new country
ran to different people
who pertended to be my friends
while really they were just lighting me more on fire
with their pain and mistreatment.
I ran all the time from myself
because it was something,that I was good at,
cause I didn't want to face
the little baby inside,
who had been betrayed
by her own tribe.

:

I would love to dream of a world
where my daughter never knows what
****** assault harrassment or **** is
where she has loving parents
where she is loved and celebrated for the light that she is
where she is allowed to eat as much as she wants
where all of her quirks are seen as "normal"
this should be the basics
and this is what I wish I would've had.
Now I will give this to myself
and be my own mommy.
I will break my family's horrible patterns of abuse
and I will take my future back.

Today while High
I cried,
like I never have before,
or like I have
but not in a long  long time
while being truly alone .
The people on the street
Askin' me
Are you okay?
I say yea
And Walk Away.
But really
I wanna scream & shout & yell so very loud
To Say,  
guess what
I am not okay !
I never was !
And I am Workin'
on the Will Be okay part ...
To walk the neighborhood
with the  shattered memories
of  pain
sprinkled everywhere
trinkled along the blocks
not knowing if I will see
one of the abusers
when I walk down the
Fckin' street
to eat a **** sandwhich !

See most of the time
I am still so numb
Shake my hands from anxiety
Blind out the daily pain
with loud blaring music
and try to wash the pain away.

I don't get it
I invited you to my birthday party
a month and a half ago ,
and you took the way
with your needless jealous eyes and hatred.

Or the man who hurt me
After I told him NO!
And repeatedly follows me
with his eyes.

I wish people could just,
grow up do the right thing
and stop hurting others
specifically me !

Realized my whole life,
all I was given,
was intense injection shots
of real life pain, abuse ,
and rejection again again again again!

So when others ask me
"well it seems that you don't have much experience
with joy,
You are right as of now I don't,
but I am really conciously ,copiously
working through my blinding edging pain
to get to the light
to get to experience true love and true joy,
to get to share that with others, truly
with boundaries and without getting taken
advantage of anymore!"

They call us women btches
when we stand up for ourselves
or maybe you are too sad scared and afraid
to stand up for yourself
and to start doing what's right
and to start owning your own
f*cking ******* !

My whole life
I hid myself
hid who I truly was ,
because everyone around me
taught me to hate who I was
how I looked
and how wild I was!

But now after cutting them off
I have decided and realized
That who I am I Ain't just love and light.
Its pain, deep rebellion ,real power
and a real longing to forge my own path ,
a society's rebel in a sense,
As well as having a very kind loving and open heart .
Don't let others distract you from you,
it is worth it to finally be you !

A soul what is it
a breath of fresh air
a blowing of a candle
a fire burning in the breeze
or the auras that color your gaze
in the moonlight flickering at the passersby
the stars telling their secrets to the soul that knows all
or is is the fire , the bren the passion
of life that seeps through us all
and makes us feel wanted , beautiful and loved...