I think I am starting to taste
self love,
I sit with myself crying all alone,
hugging myself
never wanting to let go
I love you,
I am proud of you
you are amazing,
I say
the words I have always wanted others to say
I still crave love  so desperately ,
But ,I am starting to give that to myself
and to know that I am worthy
for I exist.

Its like suddenly
I'm crying
I'm crying for the girl
who gave all her love
out on a platter
to her brothers
to her parents
to her friends
but they never gave it back to me.

suddenly I'm four again
and I'm sitting on my floor
eyes wide open with amusement
staring at the mold cracks in my walls
and ceiling
at the green peeling paint
and the lady bugs crawling through
one lands on me as  I squeal in delight
in so much joy
I think that was one moment of joy in my childhood
that I can recall amongst a few.

I seem to be remembering
so many things
and not how I wanted to remember them,
in sugar coated ways.

To try to numb out the deep pain
but to actually remember
the pain,
as it hits me like knives in the back.

Maybe that's why till this day
my back and my entire body
aches with pain,

as if remembering all of the times
she was left,
alone abandoned
rejected hurt
cast aside
abused and mutilated
just for trying to be alive.

Remembering the times
that playtime
was used as torture and pain
and seemingly innocent things
were twisted feteshized
and sexualized,

for so long
I wanted to be a boy
but it wasn't because I wanted to be one,
I was very happy and content in my girly ways and things
it was because of living under so much oppression
garnered by so many men and abusive women
who also garnered oppression and misogyny
was so deep ,
that the self that I was,
wanted to be dead
rather than live alive.

But now I am choosing
to slowly and painfully,
choose to love myself even
if its a tiny tiny sliver of love,
admist the shrouds of pain.

I am trying gasping
Admist my addictions,
to love myself,
and not shame myself any longer
just for being me.

I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.

My tolerance for bullsht
became so thin
bec ive dealt with it
my whole life
do you actually think
that I would take you
back
after you laughed at me
spit at me
when I was down
mocked my insecurities
and belittled me ??!!
just because we are flesh and blood
it doesn't mean you get another chance with me
or that I buy your lies or bullsht
anymore
so you text me saying you love me
love is proven
true love
is kindness
empathy
compassion
caring about the other human being
it means more than just basic decency
I can't believe
how much I was brainwashed
to beg for decency
when I am sure
there are people
that exist
that would surely give that to me
and even more than that
just because they care,
but I will not depend on what
others will do or won't do anymore,
  I must give it to myself
and noone especially not my brother
will take away my standards from me
ever again.

Today
and the last few
i chose forgiveness
I chose to forgive all the people
who have abused me hurt me and bullied m e
I don't want to carry it with me anymore
the anger built so much pain within me for so long
I couldn't let go of the past
and it just pained me beyond words.
So much staying in the past
So i forgive
I still am healing
and everything feels a little lighter and brighter now
with room to expand
a little brighter
A willigness to let go
To not drag my feet in the sand as much anymore
So I forgive myself and others
and I let go .

The day of yom kippur this past year
has been so very traumatic
that I never even wanted to touch on it
not in therapies not in my writing
but it keeps on ebbing and flowing throughout my mind
every day or two or so
and that when I met you again three weeks ago
you brought it up
how that was the last time you saw me
in my bikini
after one of the many ****** assaults
that happened that day publicly
had occured
you told me
you had watched me  go to  the pool
and watched me while I meditated
you remarked
how I have been wanting to tell you
how much I admire you
that even after something so horrible had occured
you went to the pool to meditate and sit with yourself  
how I learned  english
to be able to talk to you
how much I wanted to talk to you
for you are bisexual like me
and you understand...
I do understand your  soul and heart
so similar to mine
that you saw me at my darkest hour
and still saw my beauty
I wished I could tell you how much
that meant to me
how when I see you
even in my darkest moments
you light me up
I feel so happy
I feel like you actually understand me
I feel safe with you
for I haven't felt this way with any man
in the longest time
how all I want to do
is to take care of you
to laugh with you
to make sure your okay
how when we talked
it seems how we have many similar life experiences
how it seems from the moment I met you two years ago
you lit up a place in my heart
that hasn't touched me in a very long time
for my heart and soul has been mired from the extreme abuse
I have been through
how you saw my abuse and made sure
I was okay .
How you are so very sorry.
I just wanted to say you were the light
in my deep darkness
on such a horrible day like that was.

liberal & conservative both are prisons with different features
in order to achieve the  true freedom you must exit both
and learn how to think for yourself !
see the lies within both and the truth in the end.
Learn how to  
exit the matrix

slowly
everyday I wake up
push through my trauma
my trauma responses
journal
take care of myself as best as I can
for even during war time
my old traumas are triggered
I am learning to love myself
still
to protect myself
to still heal myself
even in times of chaous
to still carry softness in my heart
for people
to still learn to have compassion and empathy
to still love even in times of hate
to still light candles of
hope and of prayer

I wanna go to see the ocean
but not the typical one that I always see
I wanna go to the ocean
to meet my grandmother
who passed when I was 12
just to hug her for one last time
just to be able to talk to my brothers again
because eventhough they are alive
they are still dead in my heart
mired from the pain of silent but ongoing abuse
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my parents before
they became abusive
when they were kind humans
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my childhood home
to see myself as a child
to give myself all the hugs and love that I needed
while I was being violated
in my supposed safe place
I wanna go to see the ocean
to drench myself in the sea of my own tears
tears of complete sadness joy freedom and awe
because all can exist at once
and it does in the ocean of my heart
all this exists
joy that I can finally be freed of my chains of my past
but agony that I have to do this to be free
and all the sadness that comes along it
my eyes are the colors of the ocean
that swim with the pain of lonlieness
of longing
of imagining
of becoming
of waiting
of longing
of desire
of wanting a chosen family
of my own
and a place that I can truly call home

been shamed
for the people
that I love
and for who i am
for as long as i can remember
now i am starting to see myself
beyond the shame
and i see a women who has so much strength
a women who is a free spirit
a women who loves many different types of men and women
who loves the artists the poetry the philosophers
and the ones who are smart who are shy
the ones who are quiet and have lots to say
the ones who sing beautiful songs
and are waiting for others to just see them
I believe in people
still after all of my pain
because what I am starting to see
is that nothing is bad or good
it is just the way we view things that make it so.

I think
I am learning
the lessons of death
life and rebirth
when we die
and are reborn in this life
or in other ones
we start to see  what really matters in life
travel beautiful moments
hugging our loved ones
forgiveness
treating ourselves with love
when the land around me
in Israel
is burning
I see how I can give some light
to the world
how I can smile
hold space
How I can hold space
for myself and others
how the shadows
appear
how I can be myself
how I can stand up for myself
without needing the validation of others
To realize how truly fragile life is
That the fear is not of death
but of living a life that wasn't lived
fully .
Maybe I can live
in the sake of all those
that were killed
I can light a candle
and sit in prayer for them
and for us.

Tell me your darkest desires
and I will show you who you truly are inside
why is it that most of us humans
are so afraid of being vulnerable
and real
I think that we as a world can heal so much
if we allow all of our shadows to come to life
with true healing love and compassion
so show me your deepest darkest truths
and I will show you
who you truly are inside
the you that is raw
that is inpenetrable
the one that is lovable
admist all of the pain
don't fear your shadow its your greatest teacher

just close my eyes
for another day
help me sleep my life away
so i dont have to face my pain
anymore
the sad pained face
the intense pained eyes
the longing to return
to my grandmother who is dead
it hurts so much
i wish I didn't feel so sucidal
I wish I felt happier
I wish I had friends who truly saw me
I wish I had a family and people who truly love me
and a partner who I can love
But alas all I have is myself
and as I sit here truly feeling my true feelings
for the first time in so long
It feels so overwhelming
but I feel like I'm healing
I still have hope
for a better life
its the only thing keeping me alive sometimes.

I should've seen it
maybe I did
but I didn't listen
came in dressed to the party
as a NEO ****
making **** jokes
NEVER MIND
YOU KNEW
my family was murdered by them
by people
LIKE YOU !!!
I scrame
FAKER
ABUSER
ASSAULTER
I AM NOW
SHREIKING
INSIDE
AGAINNNN
It HAPPENED AGAIN
Now all I can do is play music in my house,
do you understand
every holiday and sabbath of my life
was ruined by a
MAN"S TOUCH!!!!!
FIRST
MY DAD '
than
ALL THE OTHERS !
WHY CAN"T ALL OF YOU
HORRIBLE MEN
JUST DIE
leave us in
PEACEEE
only the
GOOD MEN '
GOOD PEOPLE REMAIN
HERE
KARMA is done.
justice is paid .
THINGS ARE DUE
DON"T BELIEVE
THAT I AM WEAK!
I am the keeper of  the shadows,
I AM learning to be the master of my shadows
everyone says to be scared of the darkness.
BUT I just learned  to embrace
see there is nothing wrong with darkness
it is where we are all from
the womb
MY LILITH is with me
AND if you dare mess with me
I see it
they don't talk about deep healing ,
people think it comes from flowers and angels
but NO
It COMES
from HEARTWRENCHING SCREAMS
CRIES
FEELING TRAPPED
beneath your bed
in the bathroom
cutting out your arms
watching the blood bleed
bleed down your arms
thinking about death all the time
since I WAS FIVE
wanting to grow up
SO FAST,
SO FAST!
SO I COULD ESCAPE
watching shows and books
JUST TO GET OUT!!!!

When you have been in your darkness for so long
you don't understand joy for a while,
but than you learn that if you can feel the pain
the abyss of pain
than you can feel joy too
BUT FOR NOW
KNOW
I have been
BEATEN every part of me
DESTROYED
BUT NOW I'M RISING
AND NO ONE CAN EVER STOP
ME AGAIN
SO I press
BLOCK
on my phone
to all of you
and I wish you to hell!

The walls echo
My cries
I used to be afraid to feel it all
Used to bottle it all up inside me
For the longest time ,
Now it seems all I do is cry
And feel really intense feelings
My face looks red from crying at times
But it also glows
From the joy of realization
And healing
Although healing is hard
It's priceless.

Its like the pain is muffled inside of me
urging to escape
to be fully me
a lover of human beings
masculine edgy
feminine but strong
a savior for the voiceless
a fairy child
a animal whisperer
I feel trapped by my own pain
by the voices in my head of those who bullied me
still keeping me small
of the internalized homophobia
and self hatred
of the yearning to believe still
that the good men exist
and I have just yet to meet more of them
that what I dream of is truly possible for me
and for that reason I keep on living
so many have told me I am so brave
I think I wanna stop being so brave
and start being happier.

Today and the past 2.5 weeks
all I feel is numb
frozen
chaotic
with moments and days of normalcy
all linked in between
I don't know what happened to her
at that party
that hamas came to
and massacred
I don't know if she is ***** and shot somewhere in some valley
lying there unidentified
I don't know if she is in gaza right now being tortured
and ***** as a *** slave
I don't know
I am so scared to let my mind go to bad places
my mind feels heavy
my heart feels numb
imagining all the children and babies
and the hell they must be living through,
and all of the people
online
justifying terror
I feel sick numb and raw
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to think
it hurts to even move sometimes
everyone around me
tries to smile
but everyone feels terrified
for we all know someone
who is either missing
dead killed or *****
or tortured
or all four of those things
I used to live there
I used to walk those streets
that now have death marked upon them
I used to be in a moshav
that is now marked with terror
I feel so afraid sad calm
and scared
I don't know what to do
I don't know if she is okay
I don't know when I will be okay.

Its like the world became silent
quiet
things raising
shifting
changing
dont' know what  to watch anymore
feel effected by it all

I feel like so passively sucicidal so often
that feeling hard emotions
just makes me wanna feel like
I wanna off myself all the time
its so hard to deal with
because the other side of me
wants to live so beautifully
but feels so paralyzed too
and just so afraid that
the change just won't occur
I just feel so scared and afraid all the time
I don't understand the way the universe works
on one hand
I wanna hold on tight so much
to my life
and on the other hand I hate it so much
I think I hate life so much
because it feels dull
from joy
no friendships
toxic people around me still
no sense of adventure
and nothing fun going on
its like the last time I was happy for a full day
I don't think happened in the longest time
so I don't know what to say
I just wish I didn't feel this way
so often.

And now it makes sense
why I feel this way
I have been doing so much
healing work,
the past few days
and so I am starting to feel
again ,
probably for the first time
in eons.
I understand
why it feels so hard
to go about this world
in my female body,
It hurts so deeply
I remember
it as if it was  but a moment
when I realized
that it had all changed,
that I could no longer  just  be a tomboy
and a girl who loves tea parties and dresses
for it was sexualized all of it .

I had to look pretty
I had to be sold for my looks
and for my baby making house wife abilites,
to please the men around me .

And than when I met my brothers last year
it felt like a betrayal on the deepest levels
of my soul
that it completely broke me,
for I saw how it had all changed
how they had changed,
into people that I couldn't recognize anymore,
and it has hurt so deeply
consumed me so much ,
that I haven't even been able
to write even one letter on it .

It was like the mask was ripped off of my face
and I saw how they saw me
and the pain of that
made me just wanna be a man.
anyone,
so that I can be seen in the world
as a person .

For so long
I hated even being pretty
because I soon realized
that for so many people
especially men,
that was all I was
and for me
I am such a deep soul
that I want people to see
who I am
and I very so often
just wanna say fk it all
to life ,
and not even try anymore
Maybe if I grew up in a secular world
where religion didn't matter
I would feel less like this
but where I am from
a woman like me
is just to be a slave in a sense
to a man
and even now that I am free
I still see the slavery of the patriarchy
in the secular world
and it breaks me  so much.

So I just sit here crying
acknowledging
the deep traumas I have
and that I feel that I carry
wounds of armour
of my soul
every time Friday comes
I remember
the ****** trauma in my body
that I feel has scarred me
from my own father
and all I wanna do is die
I wish the feelings
would  just go away
but they are no stranger to me
I wish
someone
could  hold me in their arms
and say that it will all be okay.
But I have no one in my life anymore,
all I can do is save myself
but the journey feels so long so hard
and so tiresome .

I tell myself it will get easier
but it feels like a lie almost,
to keep my hope alive
but still I am trying
to see the end somehow.

Feel like no matter what
the feeling of intense gnawing pain
gets to me
hits me
it hurts to live a lot
but I am trying everyday
to do the things that I can do
and to work on getting better
gaining more clarity
and making my impact in the world
however small it helps to ease some of the pain
I can't wait for the day
that I will be surrounded by loving friends
who get me understand me and love me for me.
But for now I will love me and love the nature and the plants
that are around me:)

I went to that rooftop party today
I went and I faced my demons
seemed like that was the theme of this week
I went and I saw and conquered
and showed them
that I am not afraid or scared anymore
I go days and days in complete silence
the only sound is of my own mind
my whole life
all I've had is the opposite of this
so much noise talking and being sociable
seems hard
now I have more peace
but I have noone
and that feels like an indescribable ache of longing
deep within.

Its like all the lovers
I had
are forever etched in my mind
I hope I am etched in there's too
I saw the man the other day The one
I gave my heart to
and he just gave his body to me
that was all
and barely that
Its like I can't get his eyes out of my mind
the green golden hazel eyes
and the relaxed feeling that I felt just being with him
I remember one of the first men that I met
when I came here
when I had just left religion
we went to his apartment
he wasn't religious
he was kind
so cute and sweet
and romantic
I remember sitting on this porch
with my shirt off
staring at him
him staring at me
with a look of adoration
and I felt so blessed to be in that moment
so looking back in reflection
not all the men I met in my life
were horrible
many were kind
and I just forgot that
because I closed my heart off
to everything for so long
and now slowly
I feel like my heart is slowly starting to open
curious how the world looks
when we start to remember the beautiful moments
not just the bad or terrible ones.
So I hope wherever you are
if it is in jerusalem
where we met or somewhere else here
I wish you well
and I wish you blessings
for treating me with such kindness and care,
and I hope you think of me from time to time.
Ariel

all the people i worshipped my whole life
maybe its time to finally  worship myself
to see myself in all of the love that i am
in the  light that I am
in who I am
and to love and live for myself fully
maybe its time.

my trauma
didnt even allow me
to dream
yet alone
think
or even be who i am
without always being in a trauma response
i can't say i have moved past that fully
but i am learning slowly
and i am learning to slowly have goals
for myself
for my life
to pick up myself
beneath all of the rubble
to start to stand
with my head high admist all
of the rubble

I see you in my mind's eye
pleasuring me
being inside of me
feels like bliss
I miss you
your lips
your eyes
your **** quiet look
that  way that you can  look at me from
across the room
and I feel warm inside
no one says, its just about that
to me it's not
to me I really liked you ,
even though it was only just  once
I think about you almost every
single day,
the hot desire
the feeling of being effortless
with you
at the cafe
you being my gentleman
and I your princess
I miss that ,
and the way you whispered
to me
I like you like that
you are so ****
you turn me on so much:)
I like to think about those thoughts
with you ,
I wonder if you still
think the same
bout me ?
;)

I wanna be known as,
or perhaps i am known for it already
as the girl who changed so much
for the better
that no one recognized her
not for her looks
or for her persona
because she changed
because she finally healed
and found her true self
that was buried deep down
beyond her fiscod
of pain
I will hope
that I become the person
that will make my inner child
feel the most loved in the world
I hope that I can be
the one I have always wanted my mother and father to be
for me
I hope I represent how to be a good masculine energy
and how to be a good healthy feminine energy
I hope that I learn how to create a life that I love fully
I hope
that my brain fully heals
and that I always sing the songs
of my heart
as magical spells
while staring at the skies magical wonder.

I see myself in songs
in the beats in the music
its how I feel alive
in the beats
I hear my heartbeats;

Its where I resonate with the world.
Its like sometimes,
I am afraid to truly see myself
because others see me
as weird and so strange,
or so I've been told that anyways.

I've been bullied
so much , since birth
to fawn to accomodate others
to help others see themselves,
without ever  once,stopping to truly see myself

I see myself as a big mess
like a  big masterpiece,
like I don't understand most humans,
they speak the language of small talk
of matrix thinking.
I've been awake for as long as I can possibly remember
I only feel okay and alive when I am sharing my art
my truths , when I am sitting in nature.
Being and Breathing
Living my truth
with others ,
who speak the same language as me
Still hoping and waiting to see that and meet that
in real life.
I will create the music of the art and of my life

Inner child :
Will I ever be Free?
Will I ever be able to soar with the birdies outside ?
Will I ever be able to be in nature ?
Will I ever be able to be queer to express myself?
Will I ever be able to leave my house and be free?
Will I ever hear peace and quiet ?
Will I ever stop to be able to hear my own voice?
Will I ever meet nice people ?
Will I ever live in Israel?

Yes child ,
I am telling you sobbing with so much love in my heart for you ,
WE did it ,
WE are alive
we are happier
we are alone
but we are happier ,
we left our religion  and our abusive home and family.
we are creating a life with our own rules and meaning
for ourselves ,
we are creating safety
we are learning how to love ourselves
we are learning how to be truly free
babe we did it !!!!
we are here we are alive
we made it this far
We go out into nature ,
we now are able to be more of who we are,
I know you didn't think that you'd be alive
until now,
that after wanting to **** yourself
for so long
you are starting to feel what it finally  feels like
to actually want to live ,
to actually want to see how your life will play out.
Babe we did it!
I want you to know how much I love you so much,
and how much I am so proud of you
for holding on tight
and for being you :)
I love you my baby.

the art of self love
starting to see me
in my power
in my truth
feels hard
working on letting go of
codependent truths
and sharing my truths
from my place of power
and self worth
remembering where I came from
and who I am becoming
and I am really starting to love it
and see the prayers
reveal itself

The world is dark tonight,
as it pours
pours out ,
my soul within  it
the lonlieness is like a scar within me
my face hardens i feel jealousy envy and so much pain
i see others around me so loved with friends a partner
and I ask why not me ?
I am just as worthy as others
and I have been trying for years of my life to heal
feels like I have been given some of the hardest battles to fight
and I just want out alot
But I can't help it
I want friends I want to be alive
even though only now am I learning the super basics
in how to be a human
in what it means to be alive slowly
in how to cook how to eat how to clean
and maybe even how to sleep
how to care for myself
watching movies shows pop culture and music
that most have watched and seen their whole life
while my life was sheltered by viscious abuse
and by totalitarian cults.
hoping the darkness ignites the darkness in me
and I will find my place within it
with my people inside of it.

what if the body
is like a greek statue
curves
show the loves
of life
cinnamon rolles
the lines of veins
show the strength
of all we have lived throughout our life
what if our flaws
are our magical marks
of life
showing how much we have come
how much we have accomplished
and lived through!
what if we are more magical than we have
ever realized.

I feel called to visit the place
that is haunted by my memories
i feel  so afraid to even  touch it ,
For a few blocks away is the police station
that I visited,
to report you,
after that fateful night
in my own bed,
my own safe haven
turned prison of thoughts and feelings
emotions,  
to face you,
face to face
to tell the police officer ,
how you assaulted me in my own bed
and how you laughed it off and lied through broken teeth
through  self assured smiles,
While all I begged for was an apology,
a promise to never touch another women again
but instead all I got was a brokeness inside
one that felt like shards of my heart were breaking indefinetly
when all I got back was looks of disgust
form the police woman,
who told me that I was messed  up ,
yes I wanted to yell back,
I am messed up because of men like him,
who have broken me
broken me!

See I was never whole
i came into the world broken
so broken,
only now I am trying really trying
gasping from pain,
form open wounds of scabbing pain
to hold myself up still.

Even though my whole life has felt like
mostly death ,
mixed in with some happier fleeting moments
i guess I have never ever wrote about these things
because they are  are so painful to write about,
But I learnt no one can protect me or listen to me
if I don't do that for me!

My whole life I supressed my anger
towards people
and instead I tried to please
now I am working on healing this chaoutic pattern
and realizing facing
and befriending the anger instead.

I feel it inside of me
like a blazing hot sword
ready to ****
whoever dares to haunt me or  hurt me.

yesterday
I was walking home
as a man started to follow me and cat call
me,
just like my father and all  of the other  men in my family
\who don't respect or like women.
as well as  most of the men I have met in my life
that I hate with all of the bones in my body.

The past me would've held my body in fear ,
and would've tried to shrink myself down ,
make myself invisible to the wandering eyes.
and rushed along all of  this time .

Instead I held my keys outwards,
and stared back with anger and defiance
as he continued to follow me.

I started to  yell out curse words  and allowed him to pass,
Something as small as that
shows the power of the feminine
when she starts to fight back
against her predators.

My one hope is that I heal
that I meet people
that show me that
there are good people left in the world
because its not just the men that have done me wrong
its the women too
in ways that are just as painful
they sting and burn so harshly inside.

today i danced
i felt the music
i actually felt so alive
so in love with myself
with my life
feeling so blessed
I get to live here
in this body
in this life
and dance
move my body
move my hips from side to side
not caring who looks
as my belly rings
glimmer in the dark
and I see you look
I feel at peace and I feel free
oh for what is life
to live for
but to make
create art
be art
to dance
to move our bodies in slow motion
to taste the life
with all of its beauty
and to love the music
that the soul gives and receives
with its soul music.
TO FEEL
To
BE
FREE!

She asks me in a word
AM I okay ?
The way I am?
Do we have to continue to hide who we truly are ?
is it safe to be who we truly are ?!!!
or do we have to continue people pleasing?
do we have to continue to have no boundaries??

no my darling we get to have boundaries
standards
and to be our authentic self
to be brought into the world
through acts of violence
peace is choosing ourselves
through acts of kindness
through the acts of saying no
and saying delightful fk yeses!

wish i could send all of my opressors
all of the angry metal music
that i listen to all the time now
on how much i hate them despise them
and how they feel like a parasite inside me
because who they are is exactly that
parasites.

my own brother sexualized me,
its hard to feel love for myself
or to even look in the mirror
when i feel like i carry my scars all over
of all the horror everywhere.

I struggle so much
with the memories
and so much repressed anger
Its like im always screaming inside
and shaking from  insane terror

I left so many people in my life
so much sadness
it hurts so much
it feels like my addiction
tries to run me so much
it feels like a daily fight
just to keep it inside of me
It became an addiction of chasing my desire
to be loved to be cared for
that it turned into something
that caused so much destruction and violence in my life
I have been almost 9 months sober
a amount that I never thought I could master
but all the while
it feels like each day is so so hard
its like something that I can't avoid
no matter how much I want to
when a child is never given proper love
and they are sexualized from such a young age
tormented with ****** violence
from her own family
she believes that's her way of feeling loved
I am choosing to teach myself
that I am so much more than my body
that I am worth so much more than ***
I am choosing to say no to hookup culture
in a world
that is so bent
on letting themselves be used by others
I am choosing not to
and it is so hard
when I tell others they look at me with two heads
I think if perhaps
my history hasn't taught me
how violent some men can be
than maybe I wouldn't need to protect myself
so much
and perhaps I wouldn't have this addiction
I have never actually put a pen to paper
about this problem of mine
but I am sure that many who have had a past like mine
carry similar problems
There is no need to feel shame
I just wish the world would change
to be a kinder safer place for women
to live in.

the pain hurts so much
violation in own bed
high
unconcious
yep it happened again
not sure what to do at this point
just listen to myself
and my soul more
to prevent against attacks of the soul
that  try to ****** my heart
and kindness away
butttt
I won't let it !

No peace
I feel erased literally figurtively
I don't know
I dont have words to say anymore
The grief i feel about everything is all consuming
I have left everything
Or has it all left me
I am unsure
I am an orphan in the world
Misunderstood
Literally and figureitvely
I feel that i dont fit .
All i feel most of the time is pain
Even doing things that i like
Like now sitting for coffee
The pain is my accompanying figure
My partner in life
I have no one
No one wants to be my friend that is healthy and worthwhile
Noone asks me if i am okay
Which by the way even when i am better
I am still very much not okay
And like how would I be?
I dont wonder anymore
But i do wander about the lack of complexity in the world
The lack of empathy and humanity
Especially in the west
All i see is harm even within the helping
Not just harm but large amounts of it
I feel that my voice is choked within but i always knew no matter the pain
I wont change or hurt myself to be someones muse or to be more palatable but the rest of me
I guess hasn't caught up yet
Hasn't unchained myself
From my chains although
The chains still feel deep and cut deep
Oh how i long for the simple privelages that others have .
How I long .

The enormity of pain
of having to leave behind everything that I have ever known
its been time, but the grief aches in my bones.
I miss my old life desperately
even though it was filled with swords of pain and abuse
I miss my" family" my "friends."
my naievity about this hateful ideology
it was easier to live in some ways.
But also much more hellish
now I am a lot more at peace and so much healthier
and so very very lonely.
i have no real friends and no one in my life
the lonlieness i feel it, eating me alive as well as my depression.
They are my closest friends.
And here i am at 28 and all i do is grieve
grieve for everything!
and i couldn't even put pen to paper for months,
i feel like a sore thumb
in a society that is morally depraved psychopathic and psychotic.
In a world that is uncaring for people like me
That lacks a Basic Understanding
of the chronically ill chronically mentally in pain.
Yet still here i am trying
finally receiving help that i have needed,
prayed for and searched for
for years.
So why do i feel worse ?
probably for finally feeling the enormity of everything.
That is hitting me all at once.
The enormity of pain
Of leaving religion ideologies
Families,
an old country that i still long for
But i know that i can't go back to.
Of community
Of old age traditions.
But here i am lovingly and hatingly picking myself up,
painting writing reading learning
healing
learning to piece together my own religious meaning,
my own way of performing it.

I still feel so lost and so in pain
but here are my feelings out on paper,
struggling screaming for so long to be seen in so so many ways.
In a world that is psychopathic and i feel that it in itself
has lost all meaning to its madness,
and truth is stranger than fiction
and it is what most avoid and don't like hearing.
So i feel often at times
That i must hide myself out in the open,
un -belonging
holding the keys,
the bearer of witnessing
Horrors
Processing all that i have lived through, in this land
and the other land of the forefathers.
writing about my stories of grief © Jan 26, Ari

I hate the men
that hurt me so deeply
I hate the women
who tore my heart open
and ate me alive
that's why as much as I want to be in love
I am so afraid of it
because of my past.
One of my past abusers
messeged me
today
that he knows that he assaulted me and wishes to talk
and hopes I am good
what did you think ?
because I am a woman
that you can decevie me
no i see right through your devilish ways
and I know you ahve assaulted other women besdies me
it makes me so so angry
never will anyone
take away my kindenss
I learnt real kindness means
making sure bad people never get access to you
and letting the universe take care of them.

I trust that god will do what needs to be done
and I will always trust myself.

I feel I carry holes of scars on my back
I cry for the basic things
like people want to see me
but not know me
because i expose their shadows
their secrets inside that they don't
or don't wanna name
i have to listen to violent rheteric
and i have to bite my lip
to not say how I feel
it feels all consuming
I feel in pain all of the time in a soulful manner
a spiritual manner a emotional and physical one
I feel like all I do is grieve grieve everything
allow it to shatter all my past illusions
i was more than a body
i am a soul
i am a human being
I feel like what it means to be so dehumanized and in pain
My truth is not accepted
because it pokes holes in the others around me
so I try to speak up and out
but I find it so hard and belligerant
like holes on the sidewalk
poking through as you walk by
like others looking at you in shock
when you daresay that is morally wrong .
the world has gone in decay
and i am suppose to live as if everything is okay ?

its reckoning isn't it that we assume so much about others
only in order to realize that it is our pain
our mirror
reflecting and looking back at us
different cultures show me how much my american culture
has been so toxic
and indocrinated me in many ways
that are unhealthy
I have pushed so many people away
all because they loved me
saw me and honored me
and I couldn't see it .
because I was so hellbent on hurting myself.
wow life is truly shocking isn't it
maybe learning to have fewer words is the way .

Everyone who thought they could fk with me
dont know a thing
when you hurt me
i cut you out with no shame
as if you never existed
as if i never felt anything towards you ,
and I roll my eyes to you and
shoot you death glares with my aura and my eyes.  
they call me a witch
well maybe I am one,
to the ones who mess with me.

maybe learn your lessons
and stop being mean
so that you don't get hurt.
point is dont fck with a witch

I loved playing with dresses
wearing heels
and maybe that was the last time
that i felt that i could do so
that I could wear what I want and feel free
in that moment
because after that all I remember
is wanting to be everything  but myself
because nothing ever felt safe
to always be met with laughter and torture
whenever I would be my lovely feminine self
so I carried the wound of what some would say is gender dysphoria
but also just wanting to be anything that wasn't me
pertending I was my friend inside  ,  or an animal or a chair
just so I couldn't feel
the depth of painful rejection,
just so I could be free
now lately these feelings are here,
because I haven't felt safe
instead of pushing the feelings away
and listening to everyone else
I Am starting to listen
to the little voice
who says she wants to be free to be herself
to be powerful
to be strong
to be a girl
who loves dresses and is strong
for being that way
not weak
to love who I am
and to learn to embrace that
and to realize
there was never anything wrong with me
I was just brought into the world into a place with people
who could never love me
or appreciate my light
now I am choosing different
for my inner child and for myself.
Now is the time to choose power
to choose strength.
But most of all to choose love
to choose to love all of me
and that I never needed to long to be someone that I am not.
I alone have the power to change my life
and to save myself in the end.

its a love that is so deep in my soul
no matter how much i grieve
i still think about you  
i think you will always be a part of me
my childhood friend my first lover my ex best friend
and the one who hurt me so deeply
i miss your spirit
and i know that you are one of the few who won't know
my true feelings for you
maybe love never dies
maybe it comes with you to the grave
my soul misses you
idk I dreamt about you last night
I remember how we used to talk about raising our kids together
I doubt that
I will never know if you loved me back like that
for you are married and religious still
it hurts
I have cried oceans of tears over you
my love my ex friend
and you will never know.