slowly
everyday I wake up
push through my trauma
my trauma responses
journal
take care of myself as best as I can
for even during war time
my old traumas are triggered
I am learning to love myself
still
to protect myself
to still heal myself
even in times of chaous
to still carry softness in my heart
for people
to still learn to have compassion and empathy
to still love even in times of hate
to still light candles of
hope and of prayer

I remember
how it felt
to be beaten
how it felt to be broken
how it felt to be dark
how it felt
to be so helpless
how the men tried to ******* me
how I even in my place of terror
refused
how I always chose life
even when all the parts in me
begged for death
I remember how it felt
to run for my life
each time the missile alarms sounded
how I felt
knowing I might die at any moment
I remember how it felt
to be so poor
to feel so starving
I remember how it felt
to look my pain in my eyes
and wish it away
I remember how it felt
to feel the pain in my body
of where they all hurt me
of where my brokeness lied
I remember how it felt to be used
abused
beaten
kicked out
abandoned
disrespected
I remember
so I vow to love myself
to hug myself in my darkness in my pain
I remember
I am not shocked by pain
its something i understand deeply
for death is like pain
and pain is like death
one can die while they are alive
I have had so many times in my life
where I don't know how I survived
now I am choosing life
in a place reeked with death
I am choosing more presence
I am choosing to follow my goals
to live my life
the way I want to
I am working on choosing my bravery.

You messege me
after almost a year of not speaking
telling me
how what you did to me
how you hurt me
haunts you
you are showing to me
that maybe you are human
maybe you can change
I want to believe
you
but you my brother
have hurt me in ways
that maybe I can forgive them
but forget them I never will
maybe we will be able to speak again
but I don't know if it can go back to the way it was
when we were young
when I trusted you
before you abandoned me
in all of the darkest hours of my life
when i had noone besides you
when I was homeless
beaten and broken.
I will give you another chance
but I don't know if I will ever let you in
closely
the way we were in the past
the wounds
the marks you said to me
about all of who I was
have hurt me so much
although
these things have helped me heal many
very deep things
I don't how what to say
other than
I will have my boundaries
and tread very carefully
and wait to see if your actions
prove your words right or wrong
other than that
not even sure what I have to speak to you
about anymore
I am a very different person now
in a good way
but also in a way of brokeness
in a way of wearing my edginess
as a pride
as a badge on my sides.
For I do not need to feel ashamed of who I am
anymore
for you did that for me.
I feel sorry sad and angry for you
I hope you have changed
the way you say you did.
I hope.
I hope I am not hoping falsely.

I think
I am learning
the lessons of death
life and rebirth
when we die
and are reborn in this life
or in other ones
we start to see  what really matters in life
travel beautiful moments
hugging our loved ones
forgiveness
treating ourselves with love
when the land around me
in Israel
is burning
I see how I can give some light
to the world
how I can smile
hold space
How I can hold space
for myself and others
how the shadows
appear
how I can be myself
how I can stand up for myself
without needing the validation of others
To realize how truly fragile life is
That the fear is not of death
but of living a life that wasn't lived
fully .
Maybe I can live
in the sake of all those
that were killed
I can light a candle
and sit in prayer for them
and for us.

I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

The city burned with a fire
I felt consumed by it
I found you with your dark eyes
your smile
your kindness
we stood
sat
on your porch
I felt loved
I felt alive
I felt seen
I felt whole
we went on that date
I felt like you saw my soul
I felt taken
I felt whole
I miss you
I miss you so much

You asked me what's wrong
you looked at my face
really looked at me
you said I am so sorry
you said
would you like a hug
I nodded
you hugged me and pulled me so close
I felt your heart beating
I never wanted the moment to stop
and that's when I realized
how lonely and
starved for touch I am
when I see other people my age
having friends
and relationships
and having adult jobs
I cry inside
my soul starves inside
asking
how long
until its my turn?
when will it be my turn??
Its been so hard for me to ask for what I want
for I feel so starved for affection
but I told my friend to
respect me and my time
for if I don't care for myself
how can anyone else truly care for me?
true love
true care
is not being treated as a second option
its not someone calling you out of guilt
its not someone stepping on your boundaries
apologizing
and than doing it again
its not making someone wait for you all the time.

I am still waiting for it to be my turn
but I am learning to choose myself first.
as painful and as hard as that is
to be truly alone
in this world.

For not many I think
truly care for me at the moment.

It hurts so much!

I think I have lived my whole life
with an open bleeding broken heart.

I cope with music and with art.

I feel so behind everyone else in life.

Now when its war time
I can't help but feel,
now everyone knows how it feels
to live
with so much trauma.

Still I don't want pity
I want healthy connections
and a meaningful life
filled with so many beautiful safe adventures
I will never ever give up .