Today and the past 2.5 weeks
all I feel is numb
frozen
chaotic
with moments and days of normalcy
all linked in between
I don't know what happened to her
at that party
that hamas came to
and massacred
I don't know if she is ***** and shot somewhere in some valley
lying there unidentified
I don't know if she is in gaza right now being tortured
and ***** as a *** slave
I don't know
I am so scared to let my mind go to bad places
my mind feels heavy
my heart feels numb
imagining all the children and babies
and the hell they must be living through,
and all of the people
online
justifying terror
I feel sick numb and raw
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to think
it hurts to even move sometimes
everyone around me
tries to smile
but everyone feels terrified
for we all know someone
who is either missing
dead killed or *****
or tortured
or all four of those things
I used to live there
I used to walk those streets
that now have death marked upon them
I used to be in a moshav
that is now marked with terror
I feel so afraid sad calm
and scared
I don't know what to do
I don't know if she is okay
I don't know when I will be okay.

I learnt today that my anger
that I have repressed my whole life
is a power a strength
and I don't need to supress it my whole life
I have lived in trauma responses
so lost never finding myself
losing myself
in so many addictions
escapisim
now I see at the core root of all of this
was all of my anger
from all of the abuse and horrible things
that I have endured
its time to face the anger inside of me
allow it to express
allow myself to be set free
the time has come
I have realized that so many things are my choice
its my choice if i choose to do things that depress me
its my choice if I choose to supress my feelings
noone can save you
if you choose to not save yourself!

I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.

It took me so so fuking long
to realize what you did to me
I saw you today walking down the street
you piece of sht
when I asked you about your mental health
you told me you have great mental health
well no wonder
your a predator
a manipulative abusive
piece of sht
I am so so angry
I was trauma bonded to you for so long
You payed for all of my meals and pertended to be such a gentleman
I actually thought you were different than the rest
that I had met
after you came into my life
and broke me
I stopped dating and everything pretty much
I am so so angry
the anger feels like chaous inside
whats' more messed up
is because of all of the trauma that these men have put me through
I have been in so much pain for so long because of all of the unprocessed trauma
FK you
I will rise up
claim myself
and live a beautiful life
and get better and better with time
as a gaint FK You to you and to all the other
men who stole my innocence joy and love from my heart
and replaced it with so much pain for the longest time
and tried to bind me to you
but thankfully I got out
no longer a slave to other people
only in service to myself.

I was taught that beauty is just how you look
how expensive your prada bag is
and if you don't fit in new york
you are a loser
now I see beauty isn't skin deep
its about soul energy kindness that is true beauty
self love self acceptence
of course beautiful faces and bodies are amazing
but if beauty standards are always changing
than beauty must be in one's perspective.

I am wide awake
I see the brutal horrific truth now
how much my father abused me as a child
as a baby
the fire inside of me burns
its so so FKING painful !!!!!

I see the truth now
how most of the" boys" that I dated
abused me so so horrifically !!

I see the truth now
how trauma bonded I was
and how it wasn't my fault!!

I see the truth  now
how much I hated myself for no FKING reason!
I see myself now
more of myself,
and how amazing I am
because I am  ME!

I see the truth now
that I don't need to compete with others to be loved,
I just need to exist
to breathe
to be worthy!

I see the truth now
that everyone,
has their own path their own journey
their own beauty !
How we each have our own gifts and tests in this life
how we are all one!

I see the truth now
how you assaulted me
manipulated me ,and abused me!

How his beatings hurt me
my mind, my body ,my soul
but still I am free
still I am rising above it all
I see the truth now
that my strength is my power.

I see the truth now
that so many times
it was other people being wounded
and their projections of pain onto me.

I see the truth now
good kind loving amazing people really do exist!

I see the truth now
I am worthy of so much love so much goodness!

I see the truth now
I am love !

I love myself,
I see the truth now,
everything is about  intention!

I danced today
and felt so free
blessed and alive!

I see the truth  now
I was always always,
amazing ,because I am me!

I see the truth now,
that none of my abuse
was my fault!

I see the truth
that life truly happens for me!

I can take responsibility  of myself and my life
and the truth is sometimes it hurts  like fking hell!
Before it can empower you !

I see the truth,
that this pain is heavy harsh raw and painful as FKING HELL!!!

I see the truth that there are many things that I don't undrstand
but I can still build from the pieces.