I feel I carry holes of scars on my back
I cry for the basic things
like people want to see me
but not know me
because i expose their shadows
their secrets inside that they don't
or don't wanna name
i have to listen to violent rheteric
and i have to bite my lip
to not say how I feel
it feels all consuming
I feel in pain all of the time in a soulful manner
a spiritual manner a emotional and physical one
I feel like all I do is grieve grieve everything
allow it to shatter all my past illusions
i was more than a body
i am a soul
i am a human being
I feel like what it means to be so dehumanized and in pain
My truth is not accepted
because it pokes holes in the others around me
so I try to speak up and out
but I find it so hard and belligerant
like holes on the sidewalk
poking through as you walk by
like others looking at you in shock
when you daresay that is morally wrong .
the world has gone in decay
and i am suppose to live as if everything is okay ?

its a love that is so deep in my soul
no matter how much i grieve
i still think about you  
i think you will always be a part of me
my childhood friend my first lover my ex best friend
and the one who hurt me so deeply
i miss your spirit
and i know that you are one of the few who won't know
my true feelings for you
maybe love never dies
maybe it comes with you to the grave
my soul misses you
idk I dreamt about you last night
I remember how we used to talk about raising our kids together
I doubt that
I will never know if you loved me back like that
for you are married and religious still
it hurts
I have cried oceans of tears over you
my love my ex friend
and you will never know.

I feel the holes inside of me,
The pain of witnessing and knowing unimaginable horrors and destruction feeling hopeless,
The music plays
Of ancient sounds old and new.
I hum along
Read stories of anguish
From a mere three hours away from me,
Divided and separated by language sound, cultural divides and walls.
But not by heart.
Never knew I could feel so much,for those whom,I was taught to hate for whom I was taught are different,
In their humanity.
When no we are all one!
Despite our perceived difference,
We are all human deserving and worthy.
Their anguish I carry along with me,
A brutal reminder to not dehumanize
As the music gets louder
My heart grows softer.

The enormity of pain
of having to leave behind everything that I have ever known
its been time, but the grief aches in my bones.
I miss my old life desperately
even though it was filled with swords of pain and abuse
I miss my" family" my "friends."
my naievity about this hateful ideology
it was easier to live in some ways.
But also much more hellish
now I am a lot more at peace and so much healthier
and so very very lonely.
i have no real friends and no one in my life
the lonlieness i feel it, eating me alive as well as my depression.
They are my closest friends.
And here i am at 28 and all i do is grieve
grieve for everything!
and i couldn't even put pen to paper for months,
i feel like a sore thumb
in a society that is morally depraved psychopathic and psychotic.
In a world that is uncaring for people like me
That lacks a Basic Understanding
of the chronically ill chronically mentally in pain.
Yet still here i am trying
finally receiving help that i have needed,
prayed for and searched for
for years.
So why do i feel worse ?
probably for finally feeling the enormity of everything.
That is hitting me all at once.
The enormity of pain
Of leaving religion ideologies
Families,
an old country that i still long for
But i know that i can't go back to.
Of community
Of old age traditions.
But here i am lovingly and hatingly picking myself up,
painting writing reading learning
healing
learning to piece together my own religious meaning,
my own way of performing it.

I still feel so lost and so in pain
but here are my feelings out on paper,
struggling screaming for so long to be seen in so so many ways.
In a world that is psychopathic and i feel that it in itself
has lost all meaning to its madness,
and truth is stranger than fiction
and it is what most avoid and don't like hearing.
So i feel often at times
That i must hide myself out in the open,
un -belonging
holding the keys,
the bearer of witnessing
Horrors
Processing all that i have lived through, in this land
and the other land of the forefathers.
writing about my stories of grief © Jan 26, Ari

loving a woman feels like poetry feels like the sunrise on the coldest night feels like warmth and pleasure from the divine it feels like softness like love like lust like being in love with your best of friends like closest connections like feeling the spirit of the divine feminine coursing through me all at once it makes me feel alive and the happiest to be me .

The world is dark tonight,
as it pours
pours out ,
my soul within  it
the lonlieness is like a scar within me
my face hardens i feel jealousy envy and so much pain
i see others around me so loved with friends a partner
and I ask why not me ?
I am just as worthy as others
and I have been trying for years of my life to heal
feels like I have been given some of the hardest battles to fight
and I just want out alot
But I can't help it
I want friends I want to be alive
even though only now am I learning the super basics
in how to be a human
in what it means to be alive slowly
in how to cook how to eat how to clean
and maybe even how to sleep
how to care for myself
watching movies shows pop culture and music
that most have watched and seen their whole life
while my life was sheltered by viscious abuse
and by totalitarian cults.
hoping the darkness ignites the darkness in me
and I will find my place within it
with my people inside of it.

1058

Bloom—is Result—to meet a Flower
And casually glance
Would scarcely cause one to suspect
The minor Circumstance

Assisting in the Bright Affair
So intricately done
Then offered as a Butterfly
To the Meridian—

To pack the Bud—oppose the Worm—
Obtain its right of Dew—
Adjust the Heat—elude the Wind—
Escape the prowling Bee

Great Nature not to disappoint
Awaiting Her that Day—
To be a Flower, is profound
Responsibility—