loving a woman feels like poetry feels like the sunrise on the coldest night feels like warmth and pleasure from the divine it feels like softness like love like lust like being in love with your best of friends like closest connections like feeling the spirit of the divine feminine coursing through me all at once it makes me feel alive and the happiest to be me .

The world is dark tonight,
as it pours
pours out ,
my soul within  it
the lonlieness is like a scar within me
my face hardens i feel jealousy envy and so much pain
i see others around me so loved with friends a partner
and I ask why not me ?
I am just as worthy as others
and I have been trying for years of my life to heal
feels like I have been given some of the hardest battles to fight
and I just want out alot
But I can't help it
I want friends I want to be alive
even though only now am I learning the super basics
in how to be a human
in what it means to be alive slowly
in how to cook how to eat how to clean
and maybe even how to sleep
how to care for myself
watching movies shows pop culture and music
that most have watched and seen their whole life
while my life was sheltered by viscious abuse
and by totalitarian cults.
hoping the darkness ignites the darkness in me
and I will find my place within it
with my people inside of it.

1058

Bloom—is Result—to meet a Flower
And casually glance
Would scarcely cause one to suspect
The minor Circumstance

Assisting in the Bright Affair
So intricately done
Then offered as a Butterfly
To the Meridian—

To pack the Bud—oppose the Worm—
Obtain its right of Dew—
Adjust the Heat—elude the Wind—
Escape the prowling Bee

Great Nature not to disappoint
Awaiting Her that Day—
To be a Flower, is profound
Responsibility—

334

All the letters I can write
Are not fair as this—
Syllables of Velvet—
Sentences of Plush,
Depths of Ruby, undrained,
Hid, Lip, for Thee—
Play it were a Humming Bird—
And just sipped—me—

54

If I should die,
And you should live—
And time should gurgle on—
And morn should beam—
And noon should burn—
As it has usual done—
If Birds should build as early
And Bees as bustling go—
One might depart at option
From enterprise below!
’Tis sweet to know that stocks will stand
When we with Daisies lie—
That Commerce will continue—
And Trades as briskly fly—
It makes the parting tranquil
And keeps the soul serene—
That gentlemen so sprightly
Conduct the pleasing scene!

1680

Sometimes with the Heart
Seldom with the Soul
Scarcer once with the Might
Few—love at all.

Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.