I feel the holes inside of me,
The pain of witnessing and knowing unimaginable horrors and destruction feeling hopeless,
The music plays
Of ancient sounds old and new.
I hum along
Read stories of anguish
From a mere three hours away from me,
Divided and separated by language sound, cultural divides and walls.
But not by heart.
Never knew I could feel so much,for those whom,I was taught to hate for whom I was taught are different,
In their humanity.
When no we are all one!
Despite our perceived difference,
We are all human deserving and worthy.
Their anguish I carry along with me,
A brutal reminder to not dehumanize
As the music gets louder
My heart grows softer.

The enormity of pain
of having to leave behind everything that I have ever known
its been time, but the grief aches in my bones.
I miss my old life desperately
even though it was filled with swords of pain and abuse
I miss my" family" my "friends."
my naievity about this hateful ideology
it was easier to live in some ways.
But also much more hellish
now I am a lot more at peace and so much healthier
and so very very lonely.
i have no real friends and no one in my life
the lonlieness i feel it, eating me alive as well as my depression.
They are my closest friends.
And here i am at 28 and all i do is grieve
grieve for everything!
and i couldn't even put pen to paper for months,
i feel like a sore thumb
in a society that is morally depraved psychopathic and psychotic.
In a world that is uncaring for people like me
That lacks a Basic Understanding
of the chronically ill chronically mentally in pain.
Yet still here i am trying
finally receiving help that i have needed,
prayed for and searched for
for years.
So why do i feel worse ?
probably for finally feeling the enormity of everything.
That is hitting me all at once.
The enormity of pain
Of leaving religion ideologies
Families,
an old country that i still long for
But i know that i can't go back to.
Of community
Of old age traditions.
But here i am lovingly and hatingly picking myself up,
painting writing reading learning
healing
learning to piece together my own religious meaning,
my own way of performing it.

I still feel so lost and so in pain
but here are my feelings out on paper,
struggling screaming for so long to be seen in so so many ways.
In a world that is psychopathic and i feel that it in itself
has lost all meaning to its madness,
and truth is stranger than fiction
and it is what most avoid and don't like hearing.
So i feel often at times
That i must hide myself out in the open,
un -belonging
holding the keys,
the bearer of witnessing
Horrors
Processing all that i have lived through, in this land
and the other land of the forefathers.
writing about my stories of grief © Jan 26, Ari

loving a woman feels like poetry feels like the sunrise on the coldest night feels like warmth and pleasure from the divine it feels like softness like love like lust like being in love with your best of friends like closest connections like feeling the spirit of the divine feminine coursing through me all at once it makes me feel alive and the happiest to be me .

The world is dark tonight,
as it pours
pours out ,
my soul within  it
the lonlieness is like a scar within me
my face hardens i feel jealousy envy and so much pain
i see others around me so loved with friends a partner
and I ask why not me ?
I am just as worthy as others
and I have been trying for years of my life to heal
feels like I have been given some of the hardest battles to fight
and I just want out alot
But I can't help it
I want friends I want to be alive
even though only now am I learning the super basics
in how to be a human
in what it means to be alive slowly
in how to cook how to eat how to clean
and maybe even how to sleep
how to care for myself
watching movies shows pop culture and music
that most have watched and seen their whole life
while my life was sheltered by viscious abuse
and by totalitarian cults.
hoping the darkness ignites the darkness in me
and I will find my place within it
with my people inside of it.

1058

Bloom—is Result—to meet a Flower
And casually glance
Would scarcely cause one to suspect
The minor Circumstance

Assisting in the Bright Affair
So intricately done
Then offered as a Butterfly
To the Meridian—

To pack the Bud—oppose the Worm—
Obtain its right of Dew—
Adjust the Heat—elude the Wind—
Escape the prowling Bee

Great Nature not to disappoint
Awaiting Her that Day—
To be a Flower, is profound
Responsibility—

334

All the letters I can write
Are not fair as this—
Syllables of Velvet—
Sentences of Plush,
Depths of Ruby, undrained,
Hid, Lip, for Thee—
Play it were a Humming Bird—
And just sipped—me—

54

If I should die,
And you should live—
And time should gurgle on—
And morn should beam—
And noon should burn—
As it has usual done—
If Birds should build as early
And Bees as bustling go—
One might depart at option
From enterprise below!
’Tis sweet to know that stocks will stand
When we with Daisies lie—
That Commerce will continue—
And Trades as briskly fly—
It makes the parting tranquil
And keeps the soul serene—
That gentlemen so sprightly
Conduct the pleasing scene!