why won't you bruise me
i bruise myself so easily

marks all down my legs
how little effort it would take

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

why do you look at me so gently
it should be intense with lust

eyes full of desire
whisper i love you
but you're a liar

i wish it was wrong
i wish you would make me cry

so that i could live on trusting
the world is disgusting

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

but you hold me like i'm precious
and treat me like your princess
not your mistress

and you did from the start
appreciating my heart
and loving every part

i'm so scared
my world is different
it's uncanny
you're not only teaching me to trust in love
but in people
most importantly
to trust my own happiness

i rub your back
and you rub mine
and with the things i lack
you pick up the slack

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

oh and im grateful
for each breath that we share
though mine is cold
and it floats in the air

between our kisses
and our sentimental stares

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

i bring the winter cold
i bring it with me in my pocket

i freeze the life around me
and the ice fractals grow and trap me

i bring a whirling blizzard
to your feet
but you stand tall
and unphased by me

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

i was not prepared
for your arrival
you came into my life
so quietly and gentle

and from the beginning
you put your heart on your sleeve
your courage was inspiring
and from there
my heart was yours to keep

like a strong green pine
your a breath of fresh air

one day i'll wake up
put on a cozy sweater
one that'll keep me warm from
the wind

pack up a backpack
fly up oh so far
somewhere i've never ever been

there won't be anyone
i'll leave behind
my nature keeps me alone

maybe somewhere
out in the unknown
the universe will give me
a bone

oh oh and it will be good
oh oh and it will be nice
oh oh and it will be alright
oh oh new home

you'll find me
in an empty park
on days that are too cold

i'll be leaving
trails of smoke
blood rushing to my nose

i can promise
if you see me
your face i will remember

but i am no more
the one you knew before
and i won't look your way

**
v

seems im meant for the road
my heart and my soul
no rest and no home
hope i won't be so lonesome

sometimes i'm stuck in my mind
and i float up high
till im gone in the sky
and i need a hand

^

oh isn't it scary stuff
when things around you change
it's the way of the world

time makes the things around you
grow and wilt and age
the consequence of time is change

i know it's everyone's wish
that things stay the same
content in your space

me im plagued with feeling bored
i'm plagued with wanting more
i've seen too much
a restless case

oh oh and it will be good
oh oh and it will be nice
oh oh and it will be alright
oh oh new home

I baked you cookies
so you'd think I could bake
they tasted like ****

When you compliment me
i make sure to
not seem to happy

I'd give you space
so you'd think that im secure
but i just get lonely


chorus:
I was broken
and im learning
that to want is okay

When you hold me
very slowly
missing pieces fall in place


I started to show you
that i can cry
and i didn't hide

I started to tell you
things that keep me up at night
you'd help me feel sane

chorus

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
they tasted like ****

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
you liked them anyways

I I I
fall into you
I try try try
to keep myself cool
but you
you hold the sun
melt the frost of my skin

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

Let's go go go
across the earth
the day will fade
and darkness will come
but you
you hold the sun
your light
will shine the way

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

what if i told you goodbye
today, while you're still soaring from a high
sitting on cloud 9
tell you i'm not ready
or i'm too busy
too sad for love
what if i was that unkind

would you break
into pieces
lose your sense of self
lose your shape
would you need time
or an instant rebound
to cope through the pain

sometimes i wonder what it's like to be the dumpee
sometimes i wonder if anyone goes through pain as much as me
sometimes i wonder if the reason people that left me did because i love too much
too strongly
thought i was crazy

but one thing is true, i love so much
i'm loyal in my blood
to the brittle bones of my body
i love like crazy
like a fairytale
like a pre-teen girl writing a boys name all over her journal

nobody's wanted me this much before
not the last, not the first
being adored this much, loved to the core
i'm scared
i think about the end
and not being loved anymore

but he's still here
and the love grows in my chest
and the fear grows with it

I want to be safe
always in the arms of someone
or kept close by
held by the hand
guided with a hand on my back
and be told everything is ok
all the time

how foolish
how dependent

but i walk alone
always keep a distance
tell myself i'm happy
i'm great
i'm safe
hold my own

while the fear dances in my stomach
in my chest
tickling my throat
making my body ache

why don't i let myself go
why do i hold a wall inside
when all i want so badly
so excruciatingly badly is to connect
be taken care of
express that i need help
need love
need safety

will i be like this till im dead inside
or will i break down my wall and let my demons go

i wanna feel fine
on nights when my minds not so kind
sip some wine
fill my lungs from time to time
just so i feel fine

i wanna feel fine
hold me in your arms and tell me
"your mine"
your heart warms mine
kiss your lips from time to time
just so i feel fine

i miss you
i miss the world through your eyes
i miss you before anger was lurking outside the bedroom
i miss your peace walking home from school down the lil green trail
i miss your excitement when school took you on walks to the ****
i miss you when life looked like illustrations in a children book
you're still there
i feel you around when i laugh
you'll always be there
but you're so small
sometimes i can't find you within myself
and i miss you

i just hopped a fence
grasped the steel wires with my fingers best i could
took a chance
like i've taken many times before
scars are still left from the wires pricking and tearing my skin, sure
but i still climb
and i do it with thrill
a grin slapped on my face
and with as much hope as there is water in the oceans
or sunshine in the summer

whatever metaphor i use
doesn't matter
wherever i go
hope is permanently embedded in my soul
and maybe it makes me naive
and maybe it's hurt me before
but all that hurt is proof that i had hope
that i tried

hope propels me forward, guides me
hope gives me strength to climb
climb this fence like it's nothing
like im just floating up and over
till im there
and my toes plant themselves into the grass
and i see what the universe gifts me
the paradise that surrounds me

my body, my skin
no wounds
i didn't get pricked this time
i'm fine, i'm really fine
i've only been able to climb over once before
and i don't remember what it's like to live on this side anymore
just another chance to grow
learn
and love more

served nice and cold on an ice cream sundae
being held feels like a nice sunny day
i'm comforted
can even crack a smile
my vision is more than grey

you know you're funny
it's kinda healing
gets rid of all my thoughts and feelings
to laugh and be purely in the moment
and look at you
your cute face
for a second my memories don't come flooding back

i really hope i'm on the right track
and i hope that you like me back
i'm not ready to love but my heart is beating and my stomach has butterflies
i want you to stay around
so it doesn't feel like everyone is leaving

teach me to smile again
without any tension
keep me believing

you have planted yourself in my mind
in my thoughts
the little acts of kindness
that stop my heart
you have me feeling like a mess
your kiss, those hands touching me
i cannot stress
how i think of you and become a total mess

it's so emberrasing
in the most inconvenient moment i think of you
and i'm doing the most devilish things
im your scandalous fool

everyday
everyday
morning
go on a morning stroll and turn on my music
to distract myself
go inside and clean
to distract myself
make specific lists in my head about everything stressful i've been putting off
then sit down
finally to work
but i can't do anything and just sit and try to keep distracting myself
my brain won't stop
thinking
feeding me doubts
my inner critic so critical of everything that it's best to just not move an inch
and then it builds in my chest
every hour that passes
i panic
i need to do something productive before i ruin my life like i always do
do something
do something
DO SOMETHING
then i cry
then i sob
then i heal
reassure myself everything will be ok
calm myself down
and sleep
night
everyday
everyday

what i wanna say
it's all too much and i'll push you away
i know

thing is
what i wanna say
since the moment i met you
you blew me away

the thing is
what i wanna say
my plans for my life
don't make sense
anymore

what a bore
to live without passion
without someone to give my time

cause life is for living
body is for breathing
time is for killing
and being alive
i'm alive with you

the thing is
what i wanna say
since hiding away
i'm crawling out my cave
to you

but the thing is
will you

ever since i met this person
makes me wanna be the best version
of me
so happy to be with

when you wrap your arms around me
can't help but feel so happy that you found me
so happy to be with

this ferris wheel of life that's turning
sometimes i'm dizzy
but there's a heart burning
in me
so happy to be with

i'm not someone that needs saving
but when you're around i feel so amazing
don't you see
god i hope i'll be with
you

crinkled blanket
softly grazing my skin
as i stretch out my legs
legs that ache from the marathons i run in my dreams
pure ecstasy
finding cold corners of the bed
pulling the blanket over your shoulder
feeling so warm
safe

the sky is grey ish blue
world brightening up slowly
birds exercising their voices for the day
all seen through the crevices of my blinds
the world is paused for just a moment
safe for a peaceful moment
from life
from my own self
when sadness is still sleeping
but joy is already warming up the kettle

i'm stuck
singing joyously loud to love songs in my car
windows down
obnoxious to the cars around
i'm stuck
while everyone at work is serious and just focused on their tasks
and i stand there and greet people around with a smiley hello and a floppy wave
i'm stuck
daydreaming in my mind
floating around

i'm so happy
but i'm stuck
stuck on you
stuck on knowing i want someone that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt
i am the one they want
and their stuck on me too

but i'm stuck
and that's just my luck

hey im back
putting words to complex emotions
if only their were enough words out there to describe how i feel
it's always so many things tied together
blue, excited, scared, hopeful, exhausted
all at once
ganging up on me
making me wanna laugh and sob
dance around to my favourite music or have a breakdown and cut my skin
how do i write something that's so chaotic
where do i begin
i don't even know how i've ever written anything
it's beyond me
im not talented enough to have written the things i have
it must have been influenced by some things i read or heard around me
it couldn't have been me
i'm an imposter
i'm not a writer
i'm just a girl
that's too emotional to function properly

daydreaming
listening to the rattling of the leaves
soft whispers of the breeze
passing by a pine every few minutes
i feel a sense of longing
i smile at each one
saying "hello, old friend" with every smirk
"good to see you again."

the wind picks up
a crescendo
i hear the forest sing like a choir
i feel hope in the pit of my stomach
nature talks to me in that way
"i see you. i hear you, little one.
you'll be just fine."

i dont find meaning or purpose
walking on a windy trail
but i always find hope

home
where is my home
is it where my mom makes me coffee
in the morn

hope
it comes and goes
when the moonlights shining on me
it goes away
and i'm cold

You
came in like a storm
shook me to my core
spun me around
and im yours

take me
along with you
i promise to be kind
gently calm the winds in your mind

if you let me
i know i'll be
a home
and hope
for you

im tucked neatly on a shelf
a hard cover novel
colourful and eye catching
i'm not new
my corners look worn out
pages ripped out

i'll try not exposing my last chapter
diminishing the magic of the journey
taking away the energy of the suspense
flattening the emotion
ruining a connection that could be
slow
that could be
powerful
that
could be

stay tucked neatly on a shelf
the question is
will they read me?

somewhere in between bliss and despair
i am stuck
i'm trying to get to paradise

i feel like i'm in an empty corridor
cold office building corridor
walking down
looking at every door to my left and right
trying to find paradise

doors to my left had writings that read
"Kalvin", "Halloween 2014", "12/15/2015"

doors to my right read
"Nemo pen holder", "whistler hotel hide & seek", "evening tea and apricot jam"

it smells like an old carpeted apartment building
they all have that same **** and cigarette smell

i keep walking and walking

the colours of the wallpaper agitating me
making me uneasy
it's that kind of light baby blue that you see in an old hospital or psych ward
i hate pastels

the lamps above flicker and buzz
and the corridor seems to get longer and longer
what if i never get to paradise?

each door has light illuminating from the cracks
door "Russian New Years" had all sorts of different coloured hue's coming from inside
muffled disco
Can't Get You out of My Head by Kylie Minogue playing
and shadows moving left and right can be seen from the bottom of the door

it's hard not to want to just keep visiting all these places
it's comforting
so warm
safe

but my happiness isn't in reliving my past
my happiness
my bliss
is a glossy dark blue door
blue door that i can't seem to find

i take a look around
the hallway
is a darker shade of blue
the lights aren't flickering
it's slowly gets warmer as i walk down the hallway
walls turn deeper and deeper into blue

i pick up my pace
i run down the hallway
i can see it
the door
my door
my bliss
at the very end of the hallway

i run faster
i'm sprinting
it's close
it's near i can see it ahead if i squint very hard
i'm close
but not there yet
still running in the hallway
between bliss and despair

i didn't know
something that felt like heavenly bliss
could leave such a bitter taste in your mouth

you told me you've hit a low
i would swim down to the depth of your mind
and save you
if you let me help you
no matter how deep
but it went south

it was a bitter taste

i miss
"i love you"
i miss
having someone near
to share my fears

what if
you held me
would that
be too much to bear
sit and stare instead

the world
is loud and
my ears
could use the rest
listen to your voice instead

distract me from myself

It's been 7 years
when i try and remember my home
the same few memories repeating
i can't seem to remember what it sounded like
the way my brother played his guitar
and how it made me feel
or when he picked me up from school on his BMX bike
we were cooler than all the rest of them
getting into a car

sometimes i look up at the stars
and i imagine i'm looking up
at the Vancouver glittery night sky
or i take a deep breath of air
and the way it bites my throat
will bring me back to the mountains
the snowflakes pinching my cheeks and nose

i'm learning that my loneliness swallows me
no matter how many wonderful things are happening
so many things im being shown that tell me i have hope
if i can't hold that hope and feel it with my hands
if it's not tangible or in my face for me to see
i'm swallowed whole
by my loneliness

i'm trying so hard right now
but why is it so hard in the first place
i don't want it to be hard every day

something in the air
he was gentle
all i can think about is that fine head of hair
he was gentle

his hand holding mine
it's held mine before
it must of
he was gentle

conversation wouldn't stop
the chemistry
it was natural
he was gentle

his lips felt addictive
remind me of my feelings from the past
it was magical
it was butterflies and giggles
snuggles
he was gentle

he gave his attention to me
worshipped my smile
he saw me
he was gentle

i let the world show me i'm not alone
i'm not crazy for my dreams
i'm not simple, and so isn't he
he was gentle

the pavement
it sparkles
from the lamps around
not the moonlight

stars are unseen
it's a dark cloudy night
trees casting a shadow
so dark
they are a black abyss
not from the moonlight

there's no stars in the sky tonight
no magic in the moonlight
everything is colorless and dark

sometimes the things that remind you of happiness
remind you of sadness

sometimes you wanna break it all into little pieces
everything around you
chop off all the trees
dry up all the oceans
collapse all the buildings
create chaos

make life around you look like
how the life around you feels

but i cant
and thank god i cant
cause although you can't see the moonlight tonight
you can see a sparkle in the pavement

I wanna breath
and feel my lungs
not giving out on me

I wanna speak
and have my words meet
a welcoming ear

that will listen
that will understand
that will smile
and take my hand
and off we go

I wanna walk
and trot along
not have my feet drag me

I wanna wake
and for once be happy
make my morning tea

I'm tired of not having someone to understand
if only I knew where you were
I could take your hand
and off we go

tonight i was laying in my bed
and i closed my eyes
i reached out my hand
and i felt their hand slowly, welcomely,
grab my hand
my mind couldn't make out the shape or size of the hand
neither the colour or or the texture
whether it was soft or rough

it was shapeshifting
unable to stay set on one form
cause there is no form yet

this person
whoever they are
i haven't met them yet
don't know the sound of their voice
or whether they have dimples on their cheeks
or what colour their eyes are

i don't know whether their tall with a scruffy beard
or my height with soft lips and a sharp eyeliner

i'm ready for them
now i'm just waiting on them

it's insanely quiet
i can have a peace of mind
anytime
whenever i so choose

i feel so much more supported
i no longer think that at life i'll lose

maybe it was just the weather
but i felt like i could never catch a breath
now it's so nice and cool
and i breath so much better

i'm thankful for my environment
because of it i'm healing at a faster rate
eating full meals
and finishing my plate

air is colder now
skin feels older now
but your face is a blur

by a busy street
lights that blind me
your car passed by me

and i, oh i
didnt feel a thing
and i, oh i
barely noticed it did a all

looked at my mirror
smudges and spots keep me from
seeing clearer, oh but

my hearts pounding and
i cant feel a thing
the noise is load - pretend
i dont notice it at all

leaves are falling down
still green
kinda like you and me
i'm the leaf still growing and you're the tree
that's already ******* sick of me
got rid of me

and i, oh i
didn't want to go
and i, oh i
pretend
i never grew with you at all -
at all v
at all -
at all ^

oh i got better things
my cuts don't sting too much
be grateful for the simpler things
the big things bleed you dry

Bring me home
with your touch
your hand in mine

bring your sunshine onto my cold dead skin

bring me home
look into my eyes

i'm weak
you know i'll let you in

make me feel again
make me feel real again
and maybe then
i'll see your face instead of his

god how i miss
living in love
in bliss

maybe you won't walk away
maybe you'll be the one to finally
look into my eyes
and stay

but i'll do everything i can not to scare you
pretend like i don't need you

everyone knows i'm incapable of holding back
i just hope you like me back

i'm addicted to skin
and touch

addicted to the closeness
the complete acceptance
of my body and soul

i know that in that moment
i am enough
i know that in that moment
i am exciting
worth their time

i want it to last forever
cause when the clothes are on
we're no longer together
there is no connection
ever

just momentary passion
instinctual
but conditional

i'm always so cold
and then i kiss your lips
and i'm warm and cozy

i thought you'd get old
but taking your sips
those lips
i feel drowsy

you let my body move freely
feel numb
i turn easy
and dumb

i'll want you
there will be no choice
you'll take me
you'll add my name to your list of toys

boys will be boys

all cause of my love for you
but there's no one else like you
i wish i had a clue
on how to stop loving you

i'd rather have a forever ever with you
you help me from feeling blue
your lips do
your sips do

my saviour
my cure

like a dandelion
you and i
the universe picked us up
and blew
so we said our goodbye's

flew away
you east
and i stayed

but i didnt get to fall to the ground and grow
i needed time till i could follow
and show
that im not hollow
i still have to wait till tomorrow

i wanna stay in the past
think about how we agreed
we would last

if only there was a spell i could cast
to keep me falling from the stem
live life like im in the past

but im falling down
life keeps moving
and the breeze keeps flowing

ill soon start growing

growing up

You went away
you didnt want to stay with me
Did i make it this way
or was it not meant to be

Oh I look out my window
see how the world moves.. on..
Guess life's bitter sweet.. like that huh?

I'm ******* done
I said it, i'm ******* done with you
Cause you wanted to run
and there was no stopping you

Oh no matter how it happened
I knew you would move.. on..
I just wasn't the one.. for you huh?

I can try
to forget your eyes
That day
they were telling lies
Your face
I could tell you didn't want me-didn't want me
I could tell

These words I will say
I will say till they come... true
Repeating everyday
just to feel like i'll live through the day

I am worth fighting for
I am worth the miles...the time...
When I love again
i'll be fine

smooth chapsticks to hide the biting scars on your lips
made by your anxious teeth
the red marks on your skin that are picked
by your anxious fingers
its hard for my conscious to just stop and sit
my thoughts running a million miles an hour
but i cant do anything
i dont have the power
i can try and go take a relaxing shower
there were i end up just sitting on the floor
her words echoing in my brain
calling me a *****

how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
a body i used to know so well
still looking the same
but a face i've never known before
this person sitting just as close to me as always
to me is a stranger
i don't like being so close to strangers
i get this uncomfortable feeling
but he isn't one
i know this
yet i am uncomfortable
this aura and soul the connects with mine
this feeling in my heart of safety and comfort
now gone
like the face of your loved one has been blurred out
and you no longer know if it is them or not
like an infant being held by their parent then being given to be held by someone unfamiliar
and the baby weeps
how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
can dark emotions transform you into someone else

I knew it in the beginning
and i know it now
i hear our souls singing
they're calling out to each other
they're meant to be together

each life time we try and try
i don't know if i'll ever have the pleasure of growing old with you
maybe each lifetime we're meant to say goodbye
maybe you breaking me is what i need
to climb life's mountains with my bare feet

or maybe you are the mountain
and i must keep climbing
fighting
trying

i used to see what my future holds for me
i don't know where my career would take me
i don't know where i'd wanna travel and see
i only knew you and me
i still hold on to that future
it was the only thing that gave me comfort
it gave me ease
knowing if i was with you i'd be happy no matter what

what a fantasy

what a delusion

i'd need to learn necromancy to bring back the love you had for me

what a wonderful solution

Do you remember the time you met a girl from mars?
walking among humans,
you thought she was from the stars
gave you eyes and talked to you like no one else was in the room
you thought she kept you from your eternal doom
intriguing that you walked and talked like one and the same
we thought we were one and the same

at the end you were still missing something,
unsatisfied, in pain
your eternal doom came
you sent me back on a one way ticket to mars
back to the stars
but you see that is where i'm meant to be
and i might finally see
the people that are meant for me
are the ones that can roam free
not tied to the ground floor

soon i won't miss you anymore
so when your puppet strings finally tear and fall to the floor
and you can fly up and look and ask me for more

i won't be found
there is no man that will make me stay around

if i had a melody
it would have a tone that pulls you close
playful piano keys
bright green grass and dandelions
running on your bare toes
and feel a summer breeze
that's the melody that i want people to hear around me
the melody outside my mind

inside
it's not so bright
it's confusing and uneasy
bright red kite
flown in a thunderstorm
melody with no pattern or beat
you won't sit still in your seat

it'll make you wanna run
hide away to safety
back to bed
to turn it off

just turn it off

for gods sake just turn it off

and sleep

to finally hear your piano keys
and be at ease

oh, we all know
nothing is easy
but
your ability to lift up the corners of my lips sure is,
with your snarky little jokes
and your sly expression

nothing is picture perfect
i'd boldly say
if my life was a picture
it would be old
and yellowed by coffee stains
but
you take my photo back in time
reversing the falling mug
till
my photo is new and crisp

it is a miracle
you and i
it is a gift
a gift that i never thought id deserve to be granted
by her
the universe in all her glory

however you and i turn out
whichever path she sends us on
together or apart
our love is
a movie
a fairytale
my winter wonderland
my temporary fever dream

life that changes,
lovers that push you to grow and take the darkness out and shake it
clicking fires and smiling faces
tell me you love me under the warm welcoming stars
i see them in your eyes
i dive into them and they take me far
up into the sky,
i fly by
when i'm with you i'm not grounded
my angel ***** his wings
raises me high
to the planets, to the sky
no matter how high im warm from his fire
when were close our bodies emit sparks
that grow ever so higher
from the flame in our hearts
his heart, his soul
destiny takes control
as the universe unfolds

Lift
Lift another weight up on your shoulder girl
Sink
Sink down deeper into the ocean girl
and curl
curl your arms around your self
cause you only have yourself
you're a lone pearl
trapped in a clam shell
doors to heaven have slammed
so you're stuck in hell

there are no words that can even begin to explain
the love i feel for you
its like a hurricane
strong winds that lift my body into the air
you make me feel like i can fly
every time you look at me
with that twinkle in your eye

that twinkle, that look, that gaze
it makes me feel all sorts of ways

like a tsunami,
big tenacious waves,
wash over me and drown me in your arms
where i feel your warmth
and know im safe

safe from anymore pain
without you im scared my heart wont take it
your love pumping in my heart
and coursing through my veins

this love thats inside me
it gives me strength
helps me keep my chin up high
no matter how many rocky roads i must walk by
id be able to walk them even if im blind
cause at the end of the day i know
if you are my destination
i'll be just fine

you are my forever,
forever ever

a familiar being
that i must have met before
one that my heart flutters for
the light that emits from inside
brightening up a room in an instant
a heart full of love just impossible to hide

a familiar soul my own must have crossed paths with
a soul so pure and kind
ones like those people call a myth
my heart calls for it
his laugh opened up my heart like a locksmith

this familiar feeling
this feeling of a home
like a foreshadow
for a home to be
this familiar being
loves me

throw my ego in a paper shredder
stick pins through my eardrums
you goblet of terror
take a bite out of my heart
let me feel my last pumps
the ****** of my existence
going out
in a
thump
my god you don't scare me
eat me
beat me
leave me
spit on me
i'm worthless **** to me too
not just to you

i sit in my room and wonder
how will everything change when i leave?
i know how things will happen for me.
my soul will condense and my heart will bleed.

but as i fly back into my city,
ill see all the lights flicker,
like fireflies,
so pretty.

and maybe ill be happy,
maybe ill feel like i can breath again
inhale the cold
finally fresh
air

escape
we’re all just trying to escape

milky smoke entering our lungs
sensations of relief and worry-less fun

until

you sober up

and life

has never felt more dull