I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Hence; the silent
I've portrayed
The awkwardness
Of the night
Keeps bugging
My tired heart

I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Even my smile looks so pale
I was nothing but stale

I’m trying to be calm
I'm trying to stay content
I couldn't keep a straight face
the past hit me hard
it kept me awake
forever alert

I wondered if he noticed
The rage on my face
The grudge in my eyes
The distrust of his words
I couldn't think of another act
To cover up my disguise face

I've been used
To living alone
And his coming just
Add another groan,
I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Hence; the silent
I’ve portrayed

The heart speaks louder than words
Blaming lips that unable to sort
For feelings, you thought you couldn’t afford
With no guilt – it slips without effort

The heart speaks louder, unguarded
And merely words left to unfold
Surpassing the moment of self-loathe
When it’s spoken louder than words

The feeling inside
Are hard to describe
And the words relate
Aren’t align – side by side
Whenever I feel like to hide
Somehow I hope this feeling subside
But then again the heart starts to scream
Exploding with feelings in reams of hints

With pen and paper
I start to offer
Mutual feelings and agreements
Of what truly meant
What heart couldn’t understand?
Rather let it explode
This pen will draw the rightful road
When the heart speaks louder
This pen will run you over

I would write to you
a five pages long
of a love letter
and still not enough pages
for me to define
my head over heels
for you -

my question is only this;
would you read them
and reply to me-
the same portion as mine?

I didn’t speak of you
The way you spoke of me
Telling them
This and that
Those and all
I didn’t speak of you
At all

I didn’t speak of you
The way you
Spoke of me
Even sometimes
You saw me bragged
It wasn’t you
I blabbered about

The sea may part
Our heart and soul
I haven’t spoken of you
At all
For trust and loyalty
Is what I preached
I never speak of you
No.
Not even
A heartbeat

would it be
enough of love
if I craved your name
on my skin
and kept you close
under my nose
and whisper you
melody every night
before bed?
would you see me
as the woman of your dream
or a creeper
in your closet?

pay attention to my singing
you'll notice
how my heart rings
every time you're beaming

It’s not fair
For you to claim
That you work harder
That you strive longer
That you bear heavier
That you haven’t seen the daylight
That you haven’t touched
Your food yet
It’s not fair
For you to compare
Yours are bigger than mine

It’s not fair
For you to say
That I didn’t work harder
It’s not fair
For you to alleged
I didn’t bear
Much burden
It’s not fair
For you to say
That my struggle
Is lighter
That my nights
A longer
And my days
Are brighter

It’s not fair
To stated
That yours
Are bigger than mine

I put equal hardship
I put extra effort
I hold a bigger role
I’m the runner
Of the family
I ran day and night
Double capacity
Not a single
Sweat I complained
For the things
I would do
For family

It’s not fair
To confirm
That yours
Are bigger than mine

I struggle too
I get depressed too
I'm working too
I even do the chores
I didn't rest
I didn't whine
I didn't rebel
I even made it
As part of my shrine

It’s not fair
To validate
That yours
Are bigger than mine

I take it you enjoyed the pain -
would you stay for another
round of heartache?
bear with me - really
it'll only take a moment
to put a dagger
in my heart

I write whatever comes to my mind
It’s not just about you
But the trees
And the breeze
The chirpy birds
The foggy mornings
The fresh coffee
The stagnant traffic
The giggly baby
The nosy neighbour
The silent creeper
The snappy ally
The lovey-*****
That’s oh so dearly
That painful memory –
Of you; obviously
That comes once a while
When I smile
When I cry
When I’m sad
When I’m mad

I write whatever comes to my mind
It’s not just about you

All these men in my life

Always love me too much
To a point, I’m always drained

From being controlled
Being captivated
Being ignored
Being cheated
Being confused
Being hurt
Being fooled
Being in love
Being invisible

They drained me to the point
I couldn't find myself
To love me first

I couldn’t dare
To move on
It means
I have to believe
You’re really gone

Erase you
The forget you
It’s the hardest
Thing for me
To do

I want you
To stay
Forever
Okay?

It was fractured
long before
It was damaged
too fragile
To be fixed
Too torn out
To be sewed
Too broken
To hold on

pieces of me
will soon engross
into your body
and become
part of me
that once was yours -
but now it's ours

I was trained
To love silences
Not to beg for your attention
I was mould
To stay content
Not to hope for any companion
I was left
To learn independent
Not to cling for your time, and
I’m content with myself
Left alone –
With no one else

With all the
Bragging
You brought
To the plate
You’re still
Unable
To squirt
Honesty and moderate
Hence;
Lies that lies
In your eyes
Cause all the cries
As your very own prize

From
'you're the only one who understands'
to
'What did you tell her?'

it's funny how people used to reach for your comfort when needed
just to bombard you with mockery saying you're the reason they're broken

it's funny when you didn't lay a word but being accused of spreading rumors
when you didn't 'kiss and tell' but they point you with grudge burning in their eyes

it's funny
how people can be desperately running from their own lies

The one who's barely there
Had the guts to have a say
That the role That he played
Had contributed he said
Had not he realized
Those words he lay
NoNe whats so ever
A ”sorry” had said
For neglecting his own offspring
For the sake of his pride and
His job was more important
Then spending time with them
The one who's barely there
Had the guts to say ”I’m there”
Didn’t realize the damage he caused
Since the day a womb have mould
All promises he said were bulls
He only hopes that
She would overlook
But she never forgets
The pain she had since 2015
He hasn’t realized
The sacrifice he presents
Was the reason
He wasn’t forgiven
And Still,
He had the guts to have a say
This person who’s barely there

Would you
Still, love me
Like you did?
Those times
When we were
Such a geek
Giving each other
Mix-tapes
Claiming our love
With phantom and beck
Those I cannot
Change with a click
But this feeling
Will forever
Cremated

Do you know what’s funny?
You’re stabbing
Each other’s throat
Pretending not to look
Projecting coming episode
With a smirk on your emote
Visualizing your next
***** excuses
For you to spur
And stab each other’s throat
Then pretend not to look -
That’s what funny

This little space
I tend to be
Alone with coffee
And books with me
Where these go
Hand in hand perfectly
And blends evenly
You won't disagree

When in doubt
Turn to me
I’ll make you smile
And bring your coffee
When you're stress out
Just come with me
This book I’ll give you
It’ll make you glee
Cause books and coffee
Makes everything
Less - worry

I cut my hair when I’m sad
An issue with a boyfriend
A friend, a problem, a feeling
Anything in between
Demands a lock of hair
For ritual killing
An offering for the cost
Of rejuvenating
And rise from
The deadly beating

After a while
It grew back and longer
But it won’t last with this anger
Again, it will be offered
To the deity of insanity
In exchange for serenity

It’s a mortal crown
That deserves an eternal frown
Long live the Queen they said
But why do we still stare
To the block of a statue
And sacrifice our virtue?

Every time I cut it
I knew I just had it
This overwhelming feeling
Of a broken healing
A timeline I demand
To discover the recover
Of how will my heart begins
To wonder at love all over

But then again
We would never comprehend
Why sacrifice is legit
For a broken woman to commit
In searching for herself
Reunite with oneself
A riddle we all ponder
Forever wander this mysterious monster
Demands a hair
For an exchange
To remain center

I cannot brain
Every word that you've said to me
That you're too busy
You were occupied
You forgot
You were rushing
I cannot brain that
At all
Maybe you're saying
I'm whining
I'm not strong enough
I'm not doing the
Chores right
I'm not fully utilised
I'm not helpful
I don't understand you
No
I cannot brain
That at all
You weren't here
You didn’t know
You don't have the right
To say at all

I wanted to let go
But I just couldn’t
This aching heart
Only recognised your smile

I tried, I did
But somehow
My painful chest
Keeps beating
For your sight

It wasn’t ours
To begin with –
We way lose tracks
From our selfish act
But you’ll always
Stays in my heart
Until it shattered –
And buried alive

The reason
Feeling is real
When muse you seek
Is in someone close
Close to heart
And deep in heartbeat

He’s the Man
That promised me
The moon
But killed
The sun

He’s the man
That took care of me
But put me
As his guarantee

He’s the man
Who purvey and produce
But composed
Songs of excuses

He’s the man
Of mystery
That one person
I couldn't predict
That one person
I fail to verdict

He’s the man
Of many things
Many things
Excluding me

It happens a lot
To me these days
Confused, irritated
In so many ways
Your words, your promises
Won’t match your act
And all I see was
A breach of contract

'I love you', 'I do'
Bulls, bulls and bulls -
Another trash, a lot more too
Is all I ever hear from you

And if we ever
Really end it
Promise me that you'll
Just shut it
For barely words
Came out from you
It only hurts
Cut through and through

I get that now
That my body and soul
Doesn't click at all
The body wants to party
the soul want to stay whole
I get that now
That my soul was gold
She rather reads
That hit the streets
She rather writes
Than scream all night
The body may be young
But the soul was long hung
How do I know?
Because I always cry
On the wrong side of a track
Every time I hit the Jack and Teq
I get that now
That my body and soul
Doesn't click at all

it's okay if people find your poetry a bit blunt
immature
basic
typical
childish
drama
they probably think you're not worthy too

but hey,

life is like that

you don't get to make people like you
you like your own piece.
if it makes you.. you
then, that is all that matters


there's also coffee  :)

it doesn't interest
me anymore
the scent of
you odour
the sight of
your face
the sound of
your voice
it doesn't interest
me anymore
even if we breathe
the same air
shared the same space
the same bed
the same room
the same house
the same offspring
it doesn't interest me anymore

Look deeper
Those who pretend
Acting lively
Like a friend
They’ll betray you
In the end
So, be wise
And stay content

Can you un-do?
These shattered glasses
The pieces of impossible fractions
Glued together
As you push the button
‘rewind’
Convince the larva
Is melted

Can you un-sing?
This excruciating melody
Stings in the heart
Leaving no mercy
Like slitting my wrist
Letting me die
Wither and fail

Can you un-kiss?
This haunting taste
Lingering at night
Followed with your sight
This burning tear
Dismantling my fear
Of wanting you near
Such impossible sphere

I used to
write a diary
but now
I've found poetry
it vibes with my feelings
my only way of healing

I left my patience
At home
You've probably
Would have known
This anger that I portray
Would lead you
To your doomsday

I left my hope astray
It wasn't meant
To be at bay
But then I recall
The time I had to crawl
Scream and bang and bawl
Wondering if you
Loved me at all

I left my love
Somewhere out there
Hoping at least
I could've bear
Living without you
Yearning a clue
And start living
For another day

This one wish
Goes to you
The one whom
Survive from
Broken hues
I wish
You well
This problem
You dwell
And keep on
Fighting
As you’re living
I may turn
Myself
From you
But do remember
These words
Are true
That every breathes
I take is glued
Glued together
With memories
Of you

should I run
and hide my vain
from stuttering lies
that flickers within
I could pretend and fall asleep
ignore the pain that
beating my head
or to the endless road
I'll drive and hide
till gas ran out
I'll go gaga again

I could travel the world
in 80 days
enjoy the scenery
and flush all my fears
Or should I face the trouble
and attack the sorrow
avoid being a victim
from your foolish judgement

or should I stand
and accept the misery
understand the progress
and find serenity
I leave it to you then
Almighty Creator -
The one who listens
and always answers
'Be patient, my son,
Your time will come;
You'll find your peace
and your worries be gone'

This is my story
A melodrama-corny
A tragic incident
A burnt heart- not quite
Forever a quitter
Couldn’t stand a man
Rebounded as a lover
Who hands too slippery
To hold and stay close
Sweet-talking; he’s smouldering
With bitter lips that sink
Deeper than conversing
Pretends to be delighted
Act like you’re not lonely
The fact you’re always crying
The moment he’s gone and
You hold his clothes so tight
As you cuddle it every night
You wish you’re with him
When the truth he’s blending
With someone rather important
Leaving your heart dormant
Such a pathetic dying serpent
This is my story
A melodrama–corny

at every
red lights;
I cried

There were moments
I sometimes wonder
All those bad omens
I have encountered
In the past
Or in the present
I cannot discern
Which one is
a pitiful lament

no matter what I do;
there's always an empty
spot
waiting for you.


I lied.


it's a

s      p      a        c         e

I accept with hands
Wide-open
A heart less-broken
A decision
I finally regret
Paying off
Someone else’s
Debt

I know exactly
How the story ends
There’s no you and me
To be frank
But I don't care
I love you still
And not even
The storm
Could deform
My wound
Cause you’re my Advil
For me to be heal

I googled your name
But I found nothing
I've searched every way
Every corner
every edge
Every undiscovered place
But I couldn't find you
You're the only one
Who can find me
And here I am
Waiting for your
Discovery

write a poem.
a poem about
How I told you I love you,
and you couldn’t reply.
I told you I loved,
you knew I could never lie...

And for that
I couldn't stop smilling
As days go by

Being alone
is not that bad;
you'll find yourself
when you're confused
like that

How can you be
so clueless?
of a snake
curled up your leg?
I'm not gonna lie
it's defecting your eyes
what you saw
was a faux
of a fake
prince persia's Gawk

Maybe because
I have loved hard;
I decided
To Live Hard


(as in living life to the fullest kind of hard)