You don't know where you are?
your former plans loom just like ghosts?
so, who cares? enjoy not knowing to the utmost.
Get lost in the sounds of things you don't know.
reminisce over memories you thought you'd lost in the undertow.
Get swept away in the possibilities, don't forget me, and i'll keep remembering.

here i am
and i dont even know you
i dont even know what you look like
except that one picture of your face
but that is not what i am thinking about
**** it

The clouds look like
my head feels.
I question what
is even real.
Foggy thoughts
gum up my mind.
Life as real...
as reason,
rhyme.

I am not a mistake.
I am not heartache or heartbreak.
I am not just a face.
I am not just these words on a page.
I am not that easily erased.
I am not just a shape.
I am not misshapen.
I am not a mistake.
But i am mistaken.

They were crawling on me
I couldn't breathe
their claws clung to my covers
i was stiff
unable to move,
i forced a single breath into my lungs, and snapped to,
and they were gone,
but what were they?

I wrote love on my arms
so I wouldn't write scars

there were scratches down my sides
i am covered in cold sweat
i sink back
sort of
and snap to
there are bite marks on my arm
my heart beats like i am being chased by a jaguar
through a jungle
my hair is tangled
in a mat
sweat covered and hanging in tendrils
in front of my face
i am gripped by fear. shock.
desire.
I am an animal.
and i only just awoke.

How many times have you said
new creation is not just for your generation
that the remnants of peoples will become the lifeblood of your nation
how often
have you driven me to transformation
and i have tended toward apathy and stagnation
how many days
how many days have you traced the edges of my unhappiness with your eyes
hungry to trace them with your hands,
hungry to heal me when i , i am hungry to stay dead
I am done with that
How many times can i embrace the truth?
How many times can i remember that you have scars too?
How many, how many
times can i find that i dont have to jump through hoops
and still not believe
but i am done with that
how many times have i seen?
how many times have i pulled back the black sky
to thank you for the water that falls from my blind side
how many times have i smiled
simply because i saw your face peek out
in the darkest of moments
how many, how many times
have i acted like i haven't known it
it was you
How many, how many times, can i quit?
I don't want to continue.

The rogue agent ***** me. I killed her.
The father was an impostor.
The president ate supper with me
and thanked me for holding him hostage at gunpoint
with his own gun, which apparently
had been empty (or held six duds)
The brother, well i three him down the stairs when
her dad looked my way.
I la in a sewer drain
listening to my ipod (extra battery)
while the incriminating files downloaded
over 24 hours- shock. Oh wait, it's 91%

she said she didn't mind hanging out
we had had plans
and then we had an argument
and so when she just "didn't mind"
i sure as hell did. it hurt. made me angry.
so i was trying to avoid her.
and i ran into her.
she came over to me - hugged me. said hello.
then she started avoiding me the very same day.
i wonder if for her that moment snapped something.
i wonder if she could even tell that i was in the middle of a panic attack
i wonder if she could tell that not only could i barely breathe when i hugged her
but that i choked back hot tears
only mostly successfully
a few leaked out
they were too heavy

Rough
Scarred knees
Kneeling
In silence
On hard
Dead
Ground

Whispering
Silent prayers
By the touch of his knees
Flesh upon dirt
Flesh upon flesh
Intimately whispering
Secrets to the ground

IT
Will keep them
The air
And
The lips of
God
Will whisper them
In silence
To the world

Fireflies danced across your cheek
your smile shined in the midnight heat
we talked for hours and shared a kiss before summer sleep
such dreams of happiness and senseless hopes for bliss
this my dear, is our summer
the one that has yet to exist

hat happened to what we used to be
when your smiles meant the world to me
and the skies danced for us
just to bring us happiness
what happened to our friendship and when
did the sky start falling

If my words ever even begin to mean a thing
If never is the day when the sky is pieced back together
I want you to know
that forever
you will always mean the world to me
i miss you

And here i am, sitting in a baptist church
the night after i let myself go
the picture of the in-between

But she says she'd swear
if i wasn't so religious
I came to church high
all the time (not this one i didn't)
I am not high.
So, there must be some substance to what she sees.
I am at peace.
I woke up talking to Jesus and thinking of his love,
but in the form he has given me,
for another, for others

I have been talking to god even though I've been gone.

i want to brush my fingertips along the line of your lips
trace your edges and, gently take hold of your hips,
take my hands, and take it slow and let it slip,
whisper in your ear that i want a littlle taste
, a little sip, come close and caress you like for so long ive missed,
tell you that i love you, and then smile a ******* grin, like this

Forgive me for saying so
but you are ******* beautiful.

Take me by the neck
Drown me
I won't make a sound
I didnt then
I won't now
Not even a whimper
It's simple
Finish me.
Hold me under until the
Struggling
                     Stops.
Tick....
              Tock...

I'm not trying to hurt you but

you didn't have what it took
you don't have what it takes
with God looking it's be broken or break
with blood on our hands we spoke a day late but
today is the day that we choose to stop playing favorites
and pray them be saved from us and themselves

with cutting words spoken
its break or be broken
with hate in the air
it's be broken or break

i looked back for a moment
she shook her head her hair fluffed into a ball of ****
fluffy! !!!!!!!
i exclaimed grinning ear to ear
and then i thought about the night before when
she said she wanted to **** her self
my smile died and inside i died too
tears nearly came to my eyes
choked back only because of the crowd
i wish my friends could live and be happy
i wish my friends could live and be whole

Wounds get worse before they heal
In facing them we truly feel
in the mastery of circumlocution
you will find no dividends of absolution
we must go through the storm to catch the rainwater
you can be drowned or quench thirst with the same water
the choice is in action or passivity
will you drown or drink with me?

I'm wrecked
Pardon the pun, ***,
but oh, you love it,
and humor is the best i can do to shrug it,
that fact, hanging over my head,
the dread, the lingering thought i'm dead
the smells, the way they grab me by the throat,
the visions, the way they make me choke,.
swimming in my every moment,
ever since my crashing fall,
wondering if i ever lived,
if i ever lived at all.

and **** i have to face it,
but when i do my heart races,
i swear my ribs are folding into places,
that they never should have been,
and my chest is heaving quicker,
or is it caving in?

traces of the trees escape
the ever wandering eyes
of drunk teenagers camping
and all the other passers by

remembrance of my end or birth
i'm not quite sure anymore
but i know i've been there before
surrounded by the dying leaves,
embedded in the earth
sleeping in a scar,
awakened by my thirst.

cherry blossoms
on a gnarled trunk
or maybe an oak
of sorts that blossoms
in the winter.
Dead, but living.

eyes closed, lips drip fire tonight
it tastes like honey, thick and sweet
you set our hearts and tongues on fire
and you give us beautiful feet

we will go
we will not wait on the morrow
we are going
we will not wallow in sorrow

Arise!
your voice whispers to the fire inside
it flickers, it brightens, it melts off my skin
the things i though were hidden deep within
but you see me
you see me
you call me by name.

I will go
I will not wait on the morrow
I go now
even though I dont know how
I go
eyes closed
I go

words cannot easily express
all that my heart has come to understand
questions cannot easily ask
all that my heart has come to wonder

and so i have been stripped bare before the almighty God of the universe
even i do not know my heart like you do
i am decieved more easily by myself than any other
you know
i can only feel
like i feel
you have made me
human
and sometimes i wish i felt dead
rather than feeling so alive
because pain marks that i still live

If you've ever realized
If it's ever crossed your mind
that praying
is like holding hands
with your self
and with God
perhaps your next thought would be
how
I must pray to God
that your right hand will soon be mine (again?)

I am doing my best to listen intently
but i am spinning, swimming
in my thoughts
dizzy
not sure what I've got
what you've left me with
you are hiding your face
for shame or for snickering
i am lost in deciding
turn my eyes back forward
to parallel the fake face that never left

somehow, i can be okay with goodbye when,
with a sudden snap you removed these parasitic vines, from my spine
where they had grown, laced and intertwined into my nervous system
i was anxious, suffocated by anxiety until i came to the realization that i won't miss them
they were suffocating me and i thought i was fine, because they never came close to my throat
but, nobody has to wrap their cold hands around your trachea to make you choke
all it takes is a little pressure on a part of your soul that's already constricted,
all it takes is some back and forth and promises to make you, unmake you, make you addicted
its as simple as being chained by somebody's expectations for you to change
one more person making the same promises to stick around and then not staying
one more person saying that you're perfect the way you are when you meet them
but being shocked, appalled, disgusted when you slide back the paper thin walls
you put between yourself and the rest of humanity so that you can function
you do it with all those moments you subtly assure them that your brokkeness is fiction
and the second they notice theyre right back up and running
perpetuating the cycle of your need for invisibility,
maintaining the lifestyle of perfecting your camouflage
I know someone who hid in her closet when she was just a child
to hide the scars that the next door neighbor had bored into her psyche
from her mother an everyone else - to perpetuate their happiness at the cost of herself
I understand what it's like to have a savior complex, and be full of guilt
I understand what it's like to think you have to save everyone you love from your reflection
I understand the ache in your chest that comes from running too far, too fast, in all directions
just so you don't have to take the one path you think you can't handle
I understand what it's like to not be able.

When you ask me how I am doing, I might say I'm doing okay, or fine,
I might reply with an eh, or a meh,
But there's a lot of thought and question when you ask me
Because a lot of the time I don't know what okay means anymore
I might shrug and avoid your question because i don't want to lie
I might hide behind an "i'm making it" or an "i'm doing"
Those usually get me off the hook pretty easily.
What i will not do it tell you that I am fantastic when I am struggling each moment.
I will not lie to you.
So when you ask me how I'm doing, what I say will probably depend on how open i feel that day . It will probably depend on how much i can handle thinking about everything that's going on. How much i can share without breaking down in public. There is a lot that goes into keeping even a sort of smile on this face.
Don't ask unless you care, truly care, and don't judge me until you've been in my place.

My dad used to say, any day above ground is a good day.
Guess he had to make sense of it all somehow.
Guess he had to soften the blow of his slow walk down
Wonder if he ever wished it was quicker.
Doubt he ever had all the answers.
Promise you he knew what a day was worth.
Wish I would have known it before he
hid in the earth.

watch fingertips slip into palms
hold tight and wish for everything you're too scared to say
-at least that's what i do, anyway,
I've got to wonder what you're praying for
I have a feeling
that, if i could dive into them, your prayers
(if i'm not already there)
that i would be inclined to tread water there to the edge of drowning
-and perhaps past-
If that's what it'd take to see them answered

i was standing there
and then i realized it was dark
and then i lost all sense of direction
and then i lost all sense of location
and then i feared i was a step away from falling off a cliff

Our enemies, or those who our government or our morals deem to be a threat - do not forget - they too believe they are right, they too would fight and die for their cause, "they" are just like "us. War, for any reason is a tragedy. Sadly, there will not be peace until all people want it at the same time and in the same way. And sadly, it is unlikely that all people will find themselves in these circumstances necessary for peace.Oh, that somehow our creedo would be freedom, and not power! That freedom or morality will never be used as a thin veil to justify a war in which the true goal is greed! May wars be fought for life, so that thought they cost so much death, some good may come of them. Self preservation is a right. Mercy when possible, that we may sleep at night.

I finally got up
out of bed
to wash my face and get a drink
my throat was dry
i couldn;t think
i could taste the salt that ran down my face
my eyes, sea green
perhaps to reflect the turbulent waters beneath
I felt like the sea.

there is hope for you yet
said with a bit of jest, undercoated with a mite of seriousness
I wonder what kind of hope she meant

I saw her
i knew she was married (or thought so)
she was engaged.
and HIS sister
But i danced with her anyway.

I have been built and i have been broken,
I have spoke and I have left unspoken,
I have stood tall and fallen on my face,
I have been the pride of others and I've been disgrace,
I have held strong to home and I have wandered freely,
I have been a mess and a masterpiece,
I have hated myself and I have loved myself,
I have been me and I have been someone else.

Bile in the back of my throat...
Fighting my past until I choke
I'll spit you out if I have to
Walk away from the wet spot you make on the pavement
And never look back
I can hope...
Why don't you just let go?

A word the opposite of it's concept
flawed, broken, incomplete,
unable to share what the word should be,
the word comes out
perfectly

Even I don’t know how I feel
Beyond words is what is real
The truth and life are in your eyes
A thousand mesmerizing cries
An angel’s voice falls from your lips
A wish a want a need a kiss
Peace and love in more than a touch
Your simple presence is more than enough
To know a friend is there and see
A friend in fall much more may be

Things change

I set out to google
If getting a shake
in your hands
was a sign of an addict
I didn't quite make it
before i lost interest
or maybe focus

thought i was victorious but i couldnt keep a promise,
thought i was stronger but i never forsaw this
broke, broke it all, upon an alter of chaos
they, they think they've won, but they dont know what they've lost
i know im still alive, life is the last thing they can cost
ill fight, until all they are is dust
demons, go back into the past, you're crushed

a day to remember and never to forget
because of what came of it
and when one day we know it's right
God will restore and we'll love in his light