Sometimes,
you find an empty stairwell.
Seldom used, not that clean.
But a gentle kind of quiet fills it,
the kind with chatter in the distance
and the smell of coffee from a nearby cafe.

You pause on the landing
between two flights.
A place between places,
a nowhere floor.
It's not a destination,
it's nowhere anyone's going.

Take a deep breath,
have a moment alone,
a moment of peace,
in this nowhere place.

Blank journal pages:
All have dates, but instead of writing,
you just stared for ages
as your pen left a black inky pool.

I could lose myself in that pool
I dip my fingers in ink
and stare at the swirls
as I try not to let myself sink

Sometimes,
lots of times,
I look back.

I fear I will turn to salt
like the taste of tears
reaching your lips.

I can't help it,
to turn back and look
it's human nature.

What do I look back at?

the good times
the bad times
lots of times

I'm different now
not bad not good not (yet) salt
just different.

The other day
my dad asked if
I am happy
and I didn't know
how I could answer
and I couldn't lie
but I couldn't worry him
there was a long silence
I took a deep breath
and said
I'm doing my best

If you could see how many untitled drafts I have,
What would you think?
Shall I count them for you?
Upwards of twenty,
unfinished thoughts
and half formed metaphors,
poems where I just couldn't
find the words at the moment.

To the child who's youth was taken before it began,
Despite all your suffering, it is such a joy to see you play and smile and laugh. You are so brave, not to let your illnesses steal your light. I hope someday you get to see the world through healthy eyes and live without pain. You are beautiful and you are wonderful and you deserve to hold the world in your hands.

Stay strong, dear.

I saw her shadow in eyes of golden flame;
Nothing to lose, something to gain.

She exhaled whispered promises, tendrils of sin.
Her cold lips smiled; insidious is her grin

She spun and spun with airy grace
But nothing fled the ivory mask, her face.

The snow fell softly under the pale moon;
I saw her within my mind far too soon.

I wish I could tell you
that I understood your pain
but my neurons and nerves and thoughts
do not match your mind
but I think I empathize
or sympathize
I never could tell
and I never could understand

I'm a little home sick
and a little homeless
never knowing where
I belong
anymore.

Sadness lingers
missing a home
no longer mine
Take me home
so I can see
a place
where I can be.

Recently,
I've begun to learn
how easy it is to die.

I can't look at the trains,
when I'm stopped at the tracks,
because I know it's what
took my childhood friend's light.
And the whistle keeps haunting me
and I wonder what his last thoughts were

I can't walk down the hallway on the second floor,
because I know that's where they found
my classmate dead in the morning.

And another classmate's death brings
fears of needles and dark circles
and looking dead while you're still breathing
and why didn't anybody notice?

Oh god
Keep it together.
Can't breathe. Need to sit down.
Your friend is dead.
Can't breathe need to sit down can't breathe
Keep it together
He was hit by a train
Can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe
Keep it together
need to sit down can'tbreathecan'tbreathecan'tbreathe
*Keep it together

How do you forget your suffering?
How does it become
just a nightmare?

You occasionally wake in sweat,
a loved one cradling your face,
whispers of "It's alright, dear."
Were you crying in your sleep?
A half remembered dream,
you no longer know.
You close your eyes and return to sleep,
loved one's body against yours.

When will your suffering
only haunt you on the coldest of nights,
like a half remembered past life?

You're trying your best.
It's okay,
I promise.

This world has teeth
and it will try to chew you up
but we're not its food.

You're trying your best,
and that is what keeps us
alive to run another day
from the bite of the world.

Everyone's demons are different.
There can be a thousand poems,
all entitled Demons
and not a single one would be the same.

We all must face our demons
Stand tall, eyes wide.
Take a deep breath.
We'll hold hands
while we face our own demons.
You may be alone in your fight,
but you are not alone for good.

I used to write.
Now, I stare.
I stare at the paper
and the blank white screen.
Red ink unused in my pen,
no longer blue ink stains on my hands.
Ever since we met,
I can no longer feel enough to write.
I used to write.

Today I was reminded to be kind to myself.
As I sat at my desk,
staring down my chemistry lab,
remembering my barely passed exam,
I was ******* myself,
the cruelest I could be.
Self doubt.
Maybe I can't do this.
What if I lose my scholarship?
Is this even worth it?
But it is okay to not be perfect.
It is human after all, to make mistakes.
So remember to be kind
to yourself most of all,
for you are cruelest
to your own passions and aspirations.
Don't **** your dreams because you fear failure.

Were I not a woman?
If I fit your beliefs?
If I bent to your will?
If I abandoned my ambitions?
I will never sway in your
hot air breeze
that you create with your
crumbling lungs of dust and age.

Would it change anything if I did?

I knew I was in love with you
the night I sobbed because
you were so far away
and I couldn't run to your
arms when I was hurting.

And it miserable

He asked me to pray to the gods he doesn't believe in.

He wants me to pray to the gods I don't believe in.

He wants to pray but can't find the floor to kneel on soft enough for his bruised knees and trembling hands.

He needs us to pray to the gods we cannot comprehend but reach for with hands cupped in offering of nothing,

He laughs at the way
I make lucky paper stars
When I'm anxious
or scared
or sad
or lonely.
He thinks it's cute,
Or so he says.
But when he sees me making them
He comes to sit with me
And I've started to fill
jars of stars
A lot slower
Because I like his smile
when he sits with me.

Today a man told a **** joke.
Everyone laughed.
I stood there and thought about it for a moment
And then I asked,
"What is funny about that?"
The laughter stopped
and they stood there in silence.
The momentary silence of shattered illusions,
There was no answer
Because it wasn't funny
So why laugh?

Your human emotions.
Ones and zeros,
they do not encompass
each nuance of you ephemeral experience.
You write of love,
of lust,
of happiness.
I cannot understand or
change these words to nothing more
than binary code.
I want to feel your emotions,
even the negative ones.
Fear,
despair,
hope,
love.
It does not compute
with my circuits.

What if I were there?
       I'd sit in the dark and hope you left. I won't tell you that you make
        me nervous.
And then what? ;)
      Please don't think I care about you.
Send me a pic.
      I know you don't care about me either.
Oh yeah baby
       Is this what we have come to call intimacy?
U know what I'd do 2 u?
      Emotionless exchanges, just for a moment of pleasure and a lifetime
        of shame.
What r u wearing?
      *I don't want this. I wanted love. This isn't love.

The man with ember eyes
sets my mind alight
with his touches,
skin tingling with the memory
of his soft hands, touching each pore.
He stepped inside my walls
and melted the ice of my heart
with the burning ember of his eyes.
And as I lay on the soft blue sheets,
he walked out the door
and never came back.
My friends agony and shame
once again wrapped their hands in mine.

My dad used to tell me
"You can't be a robot  and
hide your feelings forever."
But it didn't stop me from trying.
Someone else told me
"You're gonna catch a cold
from the ice in your soul."
Looks like I succeeded at
hiding my feelings.

Today,
I found half of a best friend's necklace.
It's a simple chain, a charm that has "Best"
engraved in a piece of green plastic,
a pickle with ogling eyes.
It must have been an inside joke,
a friend I promised never to forget.
I can't remember who.
Just a forgotten memory,
a long lost friend
who I may never
see again.

Just as there is no lie
without a kernel of truth,
There is no truth
untainted by human tongues.

Hi
Your voice... It's so nice to hear again.
It almost hurts....
but I've been so numb since you've been gone.

You've reached me
Have I?
I hope you're in heaven.
I never believed in god or an afterlife,
You know that.
but I hope there is now.

I'm out of reach right now
Because you won't be out reach forever,
If you're in heaven.
But heaven knows, I won't see you again.
You're so far gone.

But leave a message
And the closest I can get
is sitting at your tombstone.
Stone is cold and it doesn't warm my heart
like you once did.

and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
I miss you so much,
And I will see you soon.

Your call is important to me.

*beep