When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

Mother
I see the sadness in your eyes
The uncertainty
The fear of solitude
I saw it the first time I told you I was leaving
Spat out in awkward silence during one of our quiet dinners
I told you that I was leaving
Going across the country
Moving 5,000 miles away
To where the air is always warm
And sun is in abundance
Leaving
To experience real life
For the first time
Mother
You took my haste decision to go
As nothing more than a reason for abandoment
To leave you
Alone
And longing
Just like my father did
But you see
Mother
I am not leaving to spite you
I am not leaving because I no longer need you
I am not leaving in attempt to forget every memory built in the drywall of this home
Mother
I am not leaving
To solely leave you
I am leaving
Because the roots I've planted refuse to grow here
I can not bloom into anything more than weeds and grass in an environment like this
In constantly cold weather
With bitter neighbors
In a town surrounded by people whos only intention
Seems to see you fail
I have failed too many times
To want to give up
I have lost myself on too many occasions
And am just finding out
Who I am
I know that
There is a longing in my heart for ocean
And sand between my toes
I want nothing more
Than to risk everything I have ever known
To be able to see through a different lense
I would rather lose it all
Than condemn myself to a life of unhappiness
Of wondering what could have been
Mother
I have never been one for small towns
And I have lived here long enough to know
That I don't want to come back
Mother
I know that
You're afraid
To be on your own
The typical story is usually about letting your little girl go
But there is no need to
Mother
I want you to hold on
And one day when you've pinned down the demons you've wrestled with for so long
The crippling anxiety that has left you confined to this house
The depression that has kept you prisoner to yourself
One day mother
When you finally overpower fear
And befriend adventure
You will join me
We will replant ourselves
Grow all of the petals we never before could
And become something beautiful
Mother
You have made me who I am
And regardless of where I go
You will always
Follow
Mother
I am leaving
So that one day you can
Too.

meeting you
was finding a pond
after years
of knowing only desert

I can't believe I ever wanted you
I can't believe I ever needed you
I can't believe I ever cared for you
I can't believe I ever loved you
I can't believe I still do.

I wonder if I'm on your mind tonight more than I probably am
My eyes move between phone and computer screen seeking your name
My ears are perched to their highest capability
My mouth tastes of blood from the lip I've bitten in your honor and
all I can do is wonder where you are tonight and if you're wondering about me too

I find comfort in the static of the record player humming,
the crackling of vinyl against its holding
your arms tucked tight around the curve of my spine
and waking up to the corners of your lips widening

this is a sunday morning
that I could relive
7 days a week

this is a feeling
I am near terrified of
but in a way that I need to be

see,
I have never been one for writing love poems
and when it comes to writing love
good endings aren't my specialty

I'm not one for spilling vulnerability
to then have to clean up the mess
after it goes without catching

I'm not the best at predicting future
and letting go
is an art form I am still mastering

I have never been one for writing love poems
especially not for those
who don't stick around
long enough to hear them
but for you
I am willing
to take the risk
to set aside hesitation
for the chance of lasting
to sacrifice my fear of heights
for the possibility of a smooth landing

I don't know you well
but I know you enough
to know you're exactly what I want

so I'll talk about your smile
how your dimples have quickly become
my favorite half moon to stare at
or the way you look at me
like a single star
in the middle of a busy Los Angeles sky

being enfolded in your grasp
feels like sun peeking through grey
how lightness makes itself known
even in the midst of rain

I want my skin
to find a home in your palms
and my laugh
an echo in the crook of your neck

for routine
to settle on the map of your body
from collarbone to knuckle to wrist
making a transparent dent in each earlobe
to be missed by my lips
to crave the caress of my hands
when they have other obligations

and I'll hope
that I can waste
as much time with you
as I intend to
although I'm sure
that any time we spent together
would be anything but wasted
I hope
that we can stretch these two nights into two hundred
weaving a weekend into something we can wrap ourselves in

this is me saying a prayer
the only way I know how to

I have never been one for writing love poems
but for you
it is all I want to do
to listen to the silence
and from it
form a symphony
to take this coincidence
and call it fate
to give out all of my honesty
and hope that you stay

My father never laid his hand on me....
Not with a slap on the face, and not with a pat on the back.

My father doesn’t yell at me. In fact, the only time in which I get to hear his voice is when we have small talk every couple of days.

My father never broke my heart. I do not think he is aware that we are anatomally wired to have hearts.

I saw my father’s blood on the bathroom tile after him coughing in there for two hours straight. I pretended I saw nothing. I wonder if he too pretends he doesn’t see me bleeding myself to sleep every night.

The constellation that speaks my name is the opening line of the zodiac.
I am an Egyptian golden ram, and in ancient Egypt, Aries was the indicator of the reborn sun; I’m a never-ending fresh beginning of a mass of fire.
I am a self destructive flame, constantly setting myself on fire, and you caught on it.
So forgive me, and then admit the truth that we both know; Flames are the ultimate spring of warmth and light