Today, in about an hour
2 years ago…
I lost you.
I couldn’t control it
And it definitely didn’t ever cross my mind
That you would leave that way
I dreamt of you coming back
Of this being a hoax
I never saw it coming
Today, in about an hour
2 years ago…  
I lost someone very important to me
And I have been struggling with it ever since

If the saying,
"You are what you eat"
Is true,
Then,
You must eat,
A lot of ***.

It’s ok to be sad
It’s ok to be blue
But honey there’s a time
When you have to move on
What happened, happened
It hurts
You miss them
But you have to move on
You can’t just sit there
And dwell
And dwell
On something that won’t change
They’re gone
Forever
Not just from you , but for everyone
She died
She’s not here
But she’s not gone
She will be safe in your memories
I know it hurts baby girl
It’s going to hurt forever
But you can’t let it get to you
Not again
You must stay at the top of this hill
Forever

Life is confusing and hard and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want someone to be there so I don’t have to feel like this every ******* night when I’m alone. Yes, I have friends and family but that isn’t the same as having someone there-there, Holding you, It’s different when it’s romance. You don’t stay up late because you’re sad and alone… you stay up because talking to them is better than sleep. I know that I have problems. I can’t keep people around too long. I can’t help it. I just never had someone that pulls me back. That doesn’t let me push them away. It’s not that I am desperate. It’s not that I HAVE to have someone in my life. I just can’t keep telling myself it’s going to be okay. I’m a ****** liar.

Everyone has a different way to deal with their ****
Some totally ignore it
Some avoid it for a time
Some dwell
I’ve never been good at choosing my words
And I don’t consider myself to be anywhere close to writing well
I just need to avoid my problems
Or at least doing something about them
I feel like I can’t talk to anyone
I feel like it’s just a joke now
I don’t think anyone cares
Or if they do
They are almost as ******* at talking as me
I just don’t want to have fears anymore
I don’t want to think I can’t talk to anyone
It’s just
I never had
Or let
Anyone stay
Anyone fight to stay
I feel alone
And hurt
And I’m scared
Everyone is moving on
And I stayed still

Depression isn’t something that goes away
The overwhelming sadness and darkness
Becomes a part of you
Everywhere you go
It’s there
I guess that’s one good thing
You’re never alone
Always carrying that dark cloud and scars
And no one really understands
And no one really cares enough to try to help you
Even the people you love
Even the people you pay
There’s an expiration date
I wish I could leave it behind too
I wish I could go home too
Not have to think about it
Just move on
You can say all you want that you want to help
I’m not saying that you don’t
I’m just saying
*You don’t really care

it doesn't matter
nothing matters
once again
i'm having a ****** summer
i didn't have any expectations
yet
here i am
with all of this disappointment
if you were wondering
no
depression doesn't go away
it'll always be there
at least that's something you can count on

i don't know what i'm doing, and i'm doing my best to open up to my friends. like talking about everything that i've been worrying about today. Because my best friend made me call her and tell her everything. like in what i wrote today "nothing" that's only part of it. like i've been freaking out all day. idk it's just a ****** situation and i'm worried.
i can't figure it out
i need someone to help me

i mean.. ugh oh my ******* god. i have never been so ******* confused in my life. i'm still a ******* kid why am i worrying so much over something that could potentially mean nothing??
it's the fact that
i have no idea what the future holds
and that
well
it scares the living **** out of me.

i think myself into the worst moods
just everything
it comes crashing down and
i feel like i can't breath
i'm being ******* myself
i'm over thinking everything
i can't stop
nothing helps
writing
drawing
nothing helps anymore
i don't know what i'm going to do

if someone asked me a month ago, "if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?"
i would have said somewhere no where close to here
now, if someone were to ask me the same question today
i would say "wherever he is."
if i could, i would go to you right now,
it's so hard
you're  so far away and i have no idea where this is going.
all i know is
i really wish you were here.

And so it's the
beginning
of the end
and god only knows
where we're going so
buckle up babe
we're going for a ride

After long conversations and me going over it again and again in my head,
I came to the conclusion that
You aren’t good enough for me
You aren’t what I need
You aren’t the one and
You aren’t worth it
I’m disappointed that it took me this long to this conclusion
Trial and error I suppose
It’s easy to move on when there’s no feelings left
And I’m happy to report
I don’t give a single **** about you
I’m done chasing people who aren’t worth my time
It was fun while it lasted
But I don’t play games
Not with my life
One of us had to grow up
And it obviously isn’t going to be you

I ******* hate how everyone complains about their life.
How nothing is good enough for them anymore
It's life everyone lives in a shell of self-loathing
Constantly looking for approval
Even now
I'm complaining about how other people complain
The fact that basically every country hates america
Makes no sense to me as well.
The **** is up with that?
How can you hate an entire country based soley on one group and/or government?
How can that be justified?
The same thing for the middle east.
You can't hate 20+ countries because of ONE group of extremists.
Open up your ******* eyes and realize that hating all of these people is a waste of time.
So
Everyone
Stop complaining about your life and start living it
You live until you die so why are you wasting all this time?

I’ve never known black and white
I can’t be one or the other
I’m the in between
In the gray is where I voice my opinions
The “it depends” or “sometimes” is often my vocabulary
I have strong opinions, yes, but
None of them are right or wrong
Black or white
It just wasn't how I grew up
I learned that nothing is one or the other
They’re both

I know nothing of love
I never have
I never had the chance
I was too busy worrying
Waiting
I was too scared
So I never let myself live
I never opened up
So I either pushed them away
Or let them fade
I'm terrified of being vulnerable
One day
I hope to change
But until then
I'm sorry for not letting you in

Even for that short period of time
You were a chapter
In a book about my life
Dedicated to all of the people who saved me
Who taught me
About life
About love
About mistakes
About how no matter how hard you try
You’ll always love them
From the moon and back
Always

It was the winter of my life
When I met you
You were my only summer
And probably the only reason why I made it
Maybe that’s why I miss you so
Even now
I’m sorry for pushing you away
And I’m sorry you’re so bitter about it now
Just know
You saved me
From myself

Maybe I ruined it because I wasn’t able to open up.
Maybe I ruined it because I never found someone I wanted to be with, could be with.
Maybe I don’t know how to express myself, and I’ve never been good at writing.
But honey when I tell you I love you, please don’t look at me like I’m crazy.
When I tell you, I want you forever don’t roll your eyes.
When I told you I needed to let you go, it was the only time you ever believed me.
I didn’t want it to end like this, and it’s not like no one meant anything to me.
It’s just when I close my eyes and picture who it is I want to be with it is him.
I can’t let it go and I’ve been trying to hard but it’s one of those things that is just always there.
Hanging over me like “you want this, you want this” and his smile is like anything I ever loved and his voice reminds me of anything I was ever fond of and when he looks at me my heart skips a beat.
I can’t help falling for sunshine.
I can’t help wanting a flower.
I don’t care about your past; I just want to be in your future.
I need to open up, and I need to stop worrying but oh god do you make me nervous.
I just don’t know if I’ll ever have you and if I do what are you like when you’re alone?
Because you got me thinking about you at 3am when I can’t sleep.
You got me thinking about what you look like when no one is around.
You make me want to know everything about you.
But you’re confident, and I’m shy.
You’re open, and I’m sheltered.
If I could compare you to a summer’s day you’d be the sunshine and I’d be a tree. Taking it all in and ever wanting to be closer to you.
You make me want to know you.
The only thing is; do you want to know me?

But that’s the thing,
Life isn’t a fairy tale.
There’s no happy ending
That’s why I’m so worried
Because I may not have that happy ending
Maybe it’s too early to tell
Maybe I’m just being paranoid.
But my fears are real
And I don’t want them to come true.

It’s an odd feeling
When you try to make yourself stop caring
But then that’s all you end up doing.
I’m not saying I want to make it right
I’m not saying that you deserve another chance
And I’m not saying that we would work
All I’m saying is;
It’s not like you didn’t mean anything to me
It’s not that I hate you
It’s just, I wish things ended different
I’m not sorry
I won’t ever be
I just never stopped caring.

It takes a long time to figure out who is there for you
And who isn’t.
I have people in my life
That even when we fight and curse
We’re always there for each other
Then there are people
Who I wouldn’t waste my time with
Guess which you are.

You said that you don’t feel the need to answer
Yet you still want to talk to me
I wasn’t ever good at English,
But honey you’re contradicting
If this is your way of revenge
Or closer
Fine
Be a trick
I’m done
I’m done worrying
About you
About us
About everything I can’t change.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it
But when (I) said to you “I miss you”
I was expecting a “I (don’t) care”
Or an “ok cool.”
Not a “I (miss) you too”
But when (you) started ignoring me
(I) knew that I was just fooling myself
(Don’t) take this the wrong way
I don’t (want) to be mean
Just (to) think that you (care)
Would be foolish.

You weren't ever the one
If you were, you wouldn't have left
I'm upset right now, yes
But as the sun rises and sets
It will pass
Time will go on
And soon enough
You will be forgotten