it’s not worth it….
love is meaningless…
i’m frozen…
i don’t know how to melt this feeling away…
just let it go.. but how?
can’t seem to shake you
can’t seem to walk away
I was stupid to fall
dumb to feel anything at all.
Couldn’t I see
Nothing would ever be.
i’ll try to forget what i felt
forget that it was real
but you’ll always be
on my heart for all to see.
I won’t do it again
I won’t fall for someone
Back off before i get too close
That’s what you get for
opening your heart
but now it’s time to close the door.
I lost myself
when I fell for you
Now I can’t find me any more.

You don’t seem like the one

who would leave before the sunrise

                                    before the day begins

                                    before the world wakes up.

But somehow, I brace myself for the worst.

I just picture your silhouette

walking

farther away from

my side

and closer to

another side

of the world,

          a place I’ve never seen

          and will never go.

Maybe you’ll say,

     “I’ll be right back,

            five, maybe ten minutes?”

And I’ll know.

But I can pretend-

and I’ll hold my breath

            slowly count to sixty

                    five times.

                    ten times.

                    thirty times.

                                      over five hundred-thousand times-

because I trusted you.

I thought I knew you.

But then again-

                                      I guess I didn’t really know you at all.

Do you ever really know anyone

until they show you

a side of them

you’ve never seen before?

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Now, if I don't say goodnight,
it's weird.
We're not together
still we seek affection, comfort
in each other.
But if time goes by
and we don't talk,
you're in tears.
This fall it's a year.

I go out
and I don't want to have to
answer to you.
I don't feel like
making excuses
but you know everything
I do.
I care though;
I don't want to upset you.

I could lie
or be vague
but my pride is at stake
So I'll stick with vague,
force you to wade
through my words
so carefully chosen,
––off-handedly given
so if you find out
I'm dating again
you won't blow up
we can still be friends.
I'll be forgiven
and you won't close up.

'Cause I would hate for that to happen.
And I know you would too.
So don't let it happen
Let's just build something new.
Intimacy without ***.
Love and trust without a partnership.
I know it's possible.
But with us,
every drink turns into
another night together.
Our hours go by
because it feels unnatural
'cutting things short arbitrarily.'
Tearing apart what has
grown together now.
...You and I are not a perfect match.
There's space between these ridges.
Separately,
you can see we're not the right pieces.
You're not the right fit.
For me.
And it *****
Because I wish you were.
It *****
seeing someone you care so much about
be so torn open, heartbroken

(I think of everything a parent hopes
will never happen to their child
because, I think, they know how it felt
when it happened to them.)
It. *****. Knowing
that person your mother feared is me.

At least I have a reason now;
something to grasp how
I could disgust her so much.
But it's not.
I want to say it's not.

I'd rather you didn't know of my shame
that thing I feel
when I pull you back and forth.
I know, I know, I know
I'm to blame.
Wanting one thing for you
So I say it.
I don't want to play this game
But I know it's what you want to hear.
So I hold you close
because I think I'll hurt you less
if I'm near.

Leaving means retreating means fleeing
to you.  From something 'too real'
you think I'm incapable of handling.  
But that's not it.
I don't feel what you feel.
I will suffer repercussions of
not seeing you,
someone I've grown attached to
and feeling the void I've created.
I've instated.
And I know you'll be so mad.
****, you'd be such a
loyal friend to have.

Wouldn’t I make sure that night would never end
That we would have woken up the next morning
And I never would have left
What if the moment and feeling that brought me to your house
Your bed
What if it never stopped?
What if you still needed me?
And I didn’t have to pretend that I don’t need you
Couldn’t I somehow go back?
Curl up next to you
Have you hold me
Like you used to
Couldn’t we talk like we used to
Can't I just let you go
God baby if I could
I would just stay
And talk to you all night
Even if it meant saying
Everything all over
Can’t we stay here
Like this and never move again
Because I’m on the other side
And I know where the passing days went
And moving means losing
When I woke up that morning
I wish I’d known it’d be the last time
That I’d ever wake up next to you
But I know you
And I know this is better
For you
And that’s all that matters
To me
I can relinquish connection
To better suited arms
I could give you up
Only this way
Only because I know
They make you happier
Than I knew I ever could
And i'm tired
Tired of being the second one picked
I'm sick tired
Of wondering whether im good enough
But God
You know how hard it is for me to just let go
God You've got to let me go
Let go
Let go!
I'm letting you go
.....

One text and I'm done for,
I don't need a call.
One kiss and I'm done for,
You can have it all.
I just want to please you baby,
and be all that you'll ever need.
I just want to love you baby,
and be what sets you free.
Can I stay the night and,
hold you while you sleep?
Can we stay up late,
entangled in your sheets?
One text and I'm done for,
I don't need a call.
One kiss and I'm done for,
You can have it all.