I choose to be happy*
those words, now caged in a song,
slip through my lips before their
immortalisation.
They come in a confession of self,
a revelation of me.
I stare up at the listener preparing
to defend myself, and find,
once again,
that no defence is needed.
My heart,
my safety,
my world.
With you alone I am
constantly vulnerable,
yet always
protected.
Thank you.

A three fold riddle for you;

1.
I have to check your lips are there,
have to stroke the indent of your hair,
tucked neatly into my shoulder.
I have to check,
have to ensure,
so that I am secure
that we will endure.
Be close to me my darling,
hold me tight,
tell me softly that we'll be alright.
Hold me close for all to see,
let them know that you define me.

2.
Are they looking?
Did they see that you are
now a part of me?
Did you check,
are you sure,
that they've acknowledged that
we are now more
than what they are.
They are alone but we are as one.
We will not be the lonely ones.
Shall we kiss and cuddle?
surely we should definitely snuggle.
Make noises,
coo,
squelch lips and see.
Now all of them wish to be we.

3.
I understand that you like each other,
I understand that you've chosen one another.
Yet do you have to rub it in?
Make cutsey faces, lust and sing
not two feet from my chair?
YES I PROMISE THAT I SEE YOU THERE.
I hear the kisses (do you really have to check?)
and purr out loud at the taste of her neck?
Entwined, as one, you're a right pair.
Just pack it in.
You shouldn't need the stare,
to justify why you are there.
please save it for outside,
or at least have the decency to try to hide,
your teenage lust so 'pure'...
how much more must I endure?

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Shake loose the leaden legs,
once so full of life and vigour.
Fling off the shroud, you've
wrapped around your youthful face
of promise.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
An adult now you are,
and un-allowed to halt when life
has knocked you down.
A cruel world my child,
but a real one.
A needed one.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Cease your searching for
the embrace you long to have
once more,
the impossible dream has
sailed away. Their boat has
left your shore.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Take again to the
stage which is your destiny.
Pick up your heavy mantle and
tip-toe forward to the light.
You cannot follow her there.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
And fill them once more full
of life,
hope,
and mirth.
A part of you left beneath the earth.

I have a fear of drowning.
sounds random, I know, but
bear with me.
I'm not scared of the water,
it's a force too great to prompt
anything bar acceptance.
It's the suffocation part invokes
fear. Those seconds in which
you are in a trance
a state
of pure lack of control.
When emotion comes
in waves of confusion,
lapping you up and,
leaving you
desolate as the beach without
the shield of the sea,
baring it's naked underbelly to
the world.
I have a fear of drowning.
I am constantly afraid,
suffocating under the weight of
my own sea.

We both deserve this do we not?
This happiness all seem to seek.
I know you deserve it and yet, there's a rot,
when we attempt it whilst cheek to cheek.

Let go, my darling, be free as a bird,
you were not built to be tamed, or caged
such as this,
and if I were to have one wish,
just for for you,
it would be for that freedom,
your happiness,
your dream,
the key to your kingdom.

I've leant on you for strength I feel,
for long enough,
I've given you what I can,
we've braved times of rough.
So now it's time to move on,
continue with our plans.
Enough.

Like tree's our branches have weaved,
danced
and shared.
We've shared a life-force, you've proven you've cared.
But, to continue growing,
we must now grow
apart.
The memory of you, left in my heart.

This emptiness will follow me, wherever I do go.
No matter where or when or how I am,
I shall always carry this
weight,
This heaviness of heart which seeks to
define me.

I will never let it fully.

With every ounce, gram and molecule of my being
I will fight,
I will fight for my right to feel,
the right to love,
the right to live life as I wish,
mistakes and all.
However this 'baggage' is still
my own,
still
a part
of who I am to be.
So, you see,
if you choose not to accept that;
**then you choose not to accept me.

That wound, the
one you choose to hide,
will always be there.
come weeks,
come years,
come even decades.
It's scar will always remain.
Jagged on the palm of
your sleeve,
it may fade with
time
but it will always
be.
Forever ready to be
rubbed raw,
scarlet blood weeping
once again.

We all carry a scar
such as this.
It is a first and so,
it is the deepest.
The beginning of an
individual pattern.
It will sit there
ready,
waiting to bring again
your heart onto
your sleeve.

First love,
Pure love,
No more.

It will always be present.

Freedom is a myth.
There is no time,
no place,
and no society
where it can be real.

And I can offer proof...
with actions comes
responsibility,
an ethical lifeline
which ties you to
humanity.
Judgement's forever
threatening scissors,
resting on it's pulse.

I see the reason,
I see the logic,
the neatened box in
which our world is
folded sweetly,
but...
I crave release.
I crave a freedom
to break the bonds of
judgement,
judging faces,
judging stares,
judging whispers...
to just

escape

and be me.

Be mad without the fear
of imprisonment,
to experiment
and probe
and explore
and run
and jump
and be happy
and be free
and to not be scared.
To still feel safe
because I don't,
and I really rarely
have done.

I am yearning...
for an impossible dream.
To have a day,
an hour,
a minute,
a second-
which I don't calculate,
and analyse,
and wait in fear of
repercussions.

And that is what it'll stay...
a dream.
And hauntingly wonderful one
at that.

I never want to hurt,
yet it seems there is a
two edged choice.
I either seem to hurt or
be hurt.
And to be hurt is pure
pain, a
slow death with
no escape.
But somehow hurting
feels worse,
to me...
because I know what it's like.
I don't want to give up on
love...
but I don't know if I can
play this 'game'
anymore.
When all that prospers
are my tears.
Too scared to love, yet terrified
to be
alone.
I feel done.

And so, all that is left is a whisper,
a shadow,
an imprint of you.
Fleeting, yet vivid
as scars left over
from battle.

You may no longer shape
my mind,
my thoughts,
my heart...
but you are still here.

though escape may be found
in the summer air,
pressing down on my blushing
cheeks,
there is no escape at night.
You come in sudden
waves of passion, the ghost
of a memory pressing
down on my skin, feverish
and trembling, urgent in
it's hunger.

It's hunger for you.

And I wonder,
is it the same for you?
Do I still hold a place,
a part,
a piece of your flesh,
of my own?
I wonder,
and I hope that I do.

I hope that sometimes
the ghost of me
haunts you.
Not in vengeance,
there was never a need for that,
but in heat.
That at times your memory touches you,
in your vulnerability,
and so,
I do too.

Just cut me a break won't you?
Give me just a little bit of joy again?
it doesn't take much to push me back,
push me back down to the ground.
But I'm sick of not feeling happy,
sick of not feeling safe and sound.
I want to scream with my emotion,
yell from the rooftops,
jump high into the sky,
not just sit here blandly crying,
asking how?
asking why?
not really expecting answers...
waiting, helpless, waiting to die.

I'm sick of asking why and how,
sick of asking who and what.
I've found the cure though, deep inside,
I've found the answer, found the rot:

I bring it on myself.

there I said it! And I won't take it back
what right have you to say
I shouldn't take the blame at all?
I see now where the issue lies.
I'm prepared to take the fall.

All this time I've sat here helpless,
to myself,
silently screaming,
terrified,
dust layering onto my shelf.
And I'm done. I'm free.
So I'm now going to dare to live as
me.

My cage has neither bars,
nor locks
my cage is without metal.
My cage is unlike all the others,
in which humanity meddle.

My cage has feet and
hands and
skins.
It's layer stretched
tense taught.
And when this caged bird
tries to sing, it's cries
will come to naught.

I walk within it every day
it runs,
it aches,
it pains.
And when it's sweet release is found;
it's crying,
masked by rain.

Cords of hair coil from my head,
chaining me like rope.
***'s,
eyes and
teeth...
I beg the sea to bring me hope:

Hope for life,
hope for death,
hope for a future
and past.
hope for me and
whoever 'you' are...
hope for it to last.

I hide within my cage of skin,
yet wish for unknown freedom.
I long to reach out, skin to
sin
and stroke and probe and be wrong.

To be brave enough to make
mistakes,
To shake off all my fear whilst
laughing!
So **** the spiders, death and pain,
I plan to go out dancing.

Dancing with the joy of
life,
the joy of dancing without
nothing.
So what if I don't make a
wife?
At least I'll still have dancing.

And when the ivy climbs this cage,
when rust will halt my movement...
I will not make a shield
from age,
death...I cannot soothe him.

So I shall dance,
love,
be free,
whilst freedom is my choice.
I shall laugh,
sin,
be good,
and dare...I shall dare to be
moist.

My cage has neither bars,
nor locks,
my cage is without metal.
This cage so unique and alike
to all...
My cage that is my body.

So they say I have to move on,
let go,
and get on with my life.

And I will.

I guess that's easy to say.
but let this be known:
it's heart wrenching to do.

For you are entwined with me,
interlocked,
a puzzle which I have yet to solve.
Incomplete
my soul cries:
"I'm not finished with this yet!"

But, to save my sanity,
I must place you back where
I found you.

But I shall never forget.

You are, and always
will be
my first.

Not in a crude sense,
you never plucked this
flower
no matter how sweet
it may have looked.
Instead you tended to it.
and so I felt your love.

Not a disney love,
with songs and dances
nor a first love,
for that scar's been faded
long with time now.
Not even

kind love.

You were never cruel.
But I cannot say you never pained me.
You gave me what you would,
I could not ask for any more
than that
With you, I was safe.
And for that, I am
eternally grateful.

So, good bye my laughter,
my song,
my evolutionary fellow ;)
I pray we can meet again,
as travellers,
on the path of friendship.

When you look back,
if you look back,
please think of me well.
I shall always cherish our memories,
and if we can never again be entwined
in heartbeats,
soul,
or body
Let us be entwined here.

For me,
time will never age this.

ps. Purple forever.

*****
the curse word breaks
from my lips and
I feel the salty tears on my face
drip down onto my opened toes,
blood, sweat and tears
together at last.

My foot lies in front of me
skinned like a fish,
the scales of old and new skin
glistening with their combined pain.

slowly, with a methodical gait
which springs from years
of this ritual,
I start to bind my toes, the blood
on my tights added to the
battle scars of art.

Help me
I imagine the words
tripping from my mouth,
Finally.

Please

the whisper is unbidden
unwanted
People stare as tears
fill my eyes
with salty promises.

Drama Queen

the hiss fills the room
and I feel it's weight
once again.

Help me

the unspoken mantra falls
and shatters on the floor,
and I fear I will never tell a soul.

Why?

the response I fear is tangible.
I close my books
and settle down,
the class clown once again.

Mother, I have lost you.
not through death's cold fingers,
nor from hatred's bitter wrench,
but from blindness
both yours
and mine.

You see I drifted,
boarded the boat of self indulgence
and threatened to cut the cord.
And you didn't notice.
Blinded by your own issues,
your own problems,
your man-child's dependence,
you didn't notice my knife of self-pity.

I looked to you for confidence,
justification,
identity,
but you were turned away.
So, in your blindness, I created my own.

I didn't see you for my mother,
as I once had done.
I cast off from the shore,
thinking of martyrdom,
taking the anchor
as you watched,
and dropping it into my mind.

I didn't see, you see, that it was
hidden
deep in my eyes full of
ocean,
so similar to your own,
I didn't see that you couldn't.

And now that I have shown you
I fear I am too late.
My boat has drifted from your shore,
the once secure knot
drifting into the current, swallowed
by an unforgiving sea.

But I will fight.

with oar's forged from wishes alone.
From the beacon of your love,
un-snuffable through the storm of my mind,
I will find you again.
I will swim, sink and walk the ocean's bed
if need be.

Mother I can see.

Now see me as I am.

Don’t look at me
I am the outcast
The one who’s sexuality
Is nil.
I am the one in the jokes
The one you should tease
Go out with her?
He laughs.
So do not glance in my direction
Don’t try to break my shield
Instead please laugh
When I mock myself
My body, my soul, my prison.
For without it a glance might be scathing,
The whispers sharp as spears again
I don’t mind the laughter.
They merely laugh at the target
The target I’ve drawn on my shell.
Don’t break my mould.
I’m safe.

What in the world are you to me?
Well, to me, you are the world.
Not because you have sea blue eyes
Tinted through with grass green,
Nor because your hair is as brown
As the earth shot through with sun.
But because you ARE my world,
Because all I can see is you.
In lessons the gentle curve of your smile,
So contagious in its life,
In lunch the warmth of your laugh
Which I ache to achieve.
I long for you and need you,
Not in body but in presence
For it is only with you that I can see
Something other than your eyes, your hair, your smile
With you I can see the earth
But you are my world
And you can blot out the sun

I know this feeling
I know it well
And on the day
Which they did fell
Red flag, green flag
Blue and gold
A story which remains untold
The kettles boiling
The birds have flown
They match the letters on the gravestone
Assassination, a cold surprise
The bullet which we hide behind
The red flower falls
The deed is done
But do we know who really won?

How many tears will I cry for you
Before I can forget?
How many times will I die because
you're not ready set?
I'm waiting on the touch line,
for you to sub me in,
take me off the bench I cry
"I'm ready to begin"
"Yes" you say and
my joy inside leaps and
fills me with its pain.
I run to you, heart pounding, head
reeling,
I've done it. I think
this is it. I'm ready for this game
I'm ready for the joy and tears
prepared to take the pain so
long as I can have you
in any meagre way.
I join the scrum and you are there.
You catch the ball every time, I
feel you at the side of me, we work
as a team.
And it's upon your arm that I learn to lean;
for it is you who catches the ball
and fields it every time.
You pass to me, protect me and I
trust
that I am fine.
I am safe,
I am with you.
I wish that this could finish there
that I'll stay on that field, for, I
swear,I felt
that's the happiest I could ever be.
But then you caught the ball
you ran,
not towards the finish line, nor the
place where I waited,
Still waiting for that ball.
You ran.
Now I'm out of the stadium, off of
the pitch, the ball has been torn out of my
grip,
not by force but by
trust alone.
I'd convinced myself I was your own.
You ran.
I waited-
You ran.

Love me.
Though I may seem blind
to the ways of love.
If anyone can make me see
that feeling light and true
Let it be you.