I now relate my sorrows to intense flames
they were once so chilling, numbing me till I forgot my true name
It was like walking through a blizzard
Knowing your body would collapse down in your shivers
Remember, that was when everyone around felt like a snake that slivers
And the wells of my eyes no longer ushered rivers
A time where each step felt like a million miles
And everyone said the destination would end in smiles
They lied.. they lied
I sat in my tears and constant sighs
Forever questioning why
Like I was abandoned by the father in they sky
Because they said it would always get better
But instead of the cold, I now feel the rise of liquid making my body wetter and wetter
Everything festered
Bottling my emotions I thought to be clever
But now all I see is a wide deep dark ocean
Normally blue but tinted with my emotions
My deepest devotions
And seem to follow the same process of erosion
Picked up by the wind and water
The materials within worn away leaving a shell of a daughter
Walking through the sea
And no one could see me
The last glimpse of strength dropped me below where once stood my feet
Have I reached defeat ?
Grasping the water all around
Gasping until I no longer make a sound
My inner me drowning
My outter me profoundly
Intrigued in how I could live the way I feel
Knowing it’s no way to live in death even though the feeling is very real
Now everything relates to flame
An intense inferno that will soon drive you insane
Because fire can be defined in many ways
Determination, confidence, sorrow, self worth it could change any day

Endless days of heat enveloped the house, trapping the inhabitants inside.
As if you were ignorant to the fact that flames only grow not subside
Endless days of heat
Flames that once consisted of a sweet treat
But evolve into an intense scorch where my being meets
Within this tragedy where does one retreat

Fire and ice
In my reactions what could be considered wrong or right
The coldness of going numb
The feeling of nothing as I touch my fingers to my thumb
I never thought this feeling could be topped
Until finally, the chill stopped

Only because it takes time and thought to write down these heavy motions
Traveling deep like the unknown depths of the ocean
Feeling the need to tell a story
Enhanced by the things that must truly adore me

She was fenced in feeling tethered to every feeling and every touch received
Actions my reaction had me constantly battling the importance of my needs
Half uncared for and half never seen
Not my best move counteract with drugs that make me lean
And my drowsyness undoing the thread that holds my face together at the seams

My muscles slowly begin to relax
And I pray not to become addicted like a relapse
The tip of my nose to the end point of my cheeks
The itch travels as my body reaches peak
Down to my chin that I always swipe too forcefully
Becoming a too well known course for me
Heartbeats that now glitch
Treating narcotics as if they’ve become the perfect switch

From people to pills
Replacing all the small thrills
If I could feel this way with out them.. the things id ****
The attentiveness id steal
Only to be lost in a place that’s not real

I’m content until life unveils a memory
My life at times seems tragic but you you may never pity me
A pretty face which hides so much pain
Fire falls down and sprinkles on my life like rain
But I don’t get a cooling sensation it’s more like acid
I feel like plastic

My pain may never dissolve or decompose

I spend days lost in a type of love
The type that feels like spreading wings on a white dove
I go back and forth with it because I’m starting to get too comfortable
And I know it’s real cause I wanna *** for you
Off rip I developed a type of trust
Even though my intimacy goes through the stages of rust
I’ll always think of if I’ll have the strength to speak up
But if I ever want to move I’ll have to place your feelings in the place of luck
As of now it’s the only thing keeping me from being stuck
Cause only if you knew I needed someone to care
But we’ll see cause I throw my emotions up into thin air

Writing on paper something to readjust to
It’s been so long my hands treat it as new
I’ve been trapped behind a screen for years
Writing things people didn’t realize that I made it through with tears
Sometimes I believe it’s easier to just forget
I try to forgive but most times I force it

I’ll never show it to you personally but remember what lies in this vessel
The tears of an aura made in constant heckles

The wells behind my eyelids can no longer contain
What they always attempt to maintain
The failing membrane
Who’s only connect is the end game

Now passing by makes me. Feel shame
I Relive trauma in an area. I feel insane

As I lay all I can think about is the act of disappearance
As my tears blur my vision and give me no clearance
See I got lost
But Mostly in my thoughts
Because the endurance of bartering the validation of my emotions has a cost

And with that many things changed
Soon they’ll be a shift when somebody calls my name
Because I can’t answer the same
and anger builds up until we burn in pouring rain

Lately it’s been effortless to cry
My emotions connect quickly as if satly tears were identical to the blue sky
It's also been easier to speak my mind
But sometimes my sight goes blind
And I look back the situations on high
But to be talked to in a way where I feel disrepected I cannot comply

In true I don't appreciate the way people treat me
Forever blissful days until you beat me
Where I felt uneasy
And you treated me like I can't get sleezy

and I'll never hold bad blood again
But after all I've done how could you treat me so poorly then

It always ends up being the ones closest to you
With pain.. When it comes to this ill act like I never knew you


Pt.2

Remember I said it’s hard to show it to you personally if I share all that lies in this vessel..

The reason I retreat
That often looks like defeat
And my plummeting confidence that glued my eyes to the floor like feet

There’s so much I could say to you that would ease any suspicion
The reason I move how I do travels back to being Christian
If I was in a space to show you Lenora I would
Given that’s the entity you want to know and I want you I should
Every moment I think to touch you
And you run through my mind crashing like boulders once sudle
If you had a sneak peek at how I live
When you ask not for dominance but to be assertive
My *** drive all time high
And I only want to look into your eyes
But it seems I’ve been terrified to touch
I know that it deals with my past traumas and such
All the time I want it
Even though it’s not the persona that flaunts it

Most times I sit in silence not because I have nothing to say
But because I spend hella time in my brain
I have so many responses
And many different voices in my conscious
But it’s almost as if I’ve been trained to be silent
And to unlock a true voice you must find it

My mind stumbles around the end game
As if I pass the talking stage
And never make it to a hall of fame
When they claim im some sort of a trophy
But I retreat because people make me feel like there only trying to rope me
in…

A tool used to block my tethered emotions
I’d close my eyes to dive right in that imaginary ocean
And the deeper I’d dive
The more I feel alive
The less I cry
Until it’s time to open my eyes

In my dreams I either wear my heart on my sleeves
Or live out my wildest fantasies
But lately it’s all been dull
As if the movie screen torn behind my skull
And I don’t remember much
Except the feelings I carry through a day with such…
intensity
Leaving hints for me
As I go through the day
Attempting to dissolve the feels that get a way

I use to hang my head low
And have eyes that move slow
With tears on the verge of sliding down my face into an unknown
Walking around feeling every hand that tortured me
Each day fills me with scorching heat
As I walk around engulfed in flames
That take me away right down the very etchings of my name

Some days you seen
Least it’s what you said to me
When you could see depression
Where my hearts in recession
But it was months after we met
My chest plate in reset
Over a girl I could say I’ve only just met
While I’m resisting you and the pain will only set

Back when I was young my father told me:
That I’d grow up, and I would be lonely,
But not to go, chasing Cleopatra,
Or else I’d die just another bachelor.

He said;

“Oh those pretty girls, there are so many,
Just look around you and, you’ll find plenty;
When you’re hurt and broken by a lover,
Amen, don’t worry, just find another.”

I said;

“Daddy, what if none of them love me back?
What if I’m alone, when the sky turns black?
What If all I am, ain’t what I could be?
It’s hard to find wisdom, but not misery”

He said;

“Son don’t stress, there’ll always be someone
Looking just for you. You: their only one.
And don’t ever worry about heartbreak,
The road to love; it is made of mistakes.

So, count your fingers and count your blessings,
Invite Cleopatra to your wedding.
Never love ‘til you don’t have to chase it,
But when you do, don’t you ever waste it.”