I go to bed alone.
My first day off in a week is today.
You come to bed at 6 AM.
I wake up at 8:30 AM for the day.
You will be sleeping for a while longer.
Sleep while you can. Rest while you can.

I'm sleeping alone after a year and a half of marriage.
If this how marriage is supposed to go?
I try and try my hardest every day... but it doesn't feel like its ever enough.
I'm sorry I can't be the woman you want me to be..

So... I will sleep alone.

What would happen if I left my husband?
The stability of having someone would go away...
but is that such a bad thing?
What would happen if I left him?

What if... I met a man that sees more than just my face?
What if... a man found me attractive in a way my husband does not?
What if... I am being held back because I married the wrong person?
What if... all of my problems would go away if I left him?

I used to love you unconditionally, but I am worn down and tired.
I used to want you beside me when I slept, but things have changed.
I used to miss you when I was away from you, not matter how short the time, but now it is a welcome break.
My time away from you is when I feel prettiest.

What if.... I left you?

My husband married a woman that he does not find attractive.
He married a woman that loves him unconditionally, through his weight gain, through his overly sarcastic answers, through his laziness, through his depression, through his autism, through his unemployment, through it all... but he married a woman he doesn't find attractive.
He married me.

My husband doesn't find me attractive. He looks at me like a friend. He is in the routine of kissing me, but you can see its a chore. He has cheated on me, he has broken his marriage vows, he treats me like the dirt he walks on, but I love him anyway.

Other people tell me how pretty I am, on a daily basis... but I married a man that finds my personality brilliant, something to be treasured, but will not take care of my needs, will not help me around the house. I come home from work and I do the cooking, I clean the mess he has made while I was gone, I cook for his friends when they come over, I do the shopping... It feels like I do it all.. for a man who thinks I am less because I do not have a pretty face.

I dream of other men
Leaving you and being with them
It is new and exciting
They are loyal and new
I have their full attention

I dream of divorcing you
Of being set free from your grasp
Leaving this hell hole and
Finding someone that actually cares
Finding someone who finds me attractive

You look at me with disgust
Like I'm hard to look at
Like I'm grotesque
I know I'm not the best
But how can you marry someone
You don't find attractive?

I dream of being set free
Of being loved and adored
Just the way I am
I dream of romance and quality time
Of someone who is encouraging,
helpful, intentional, sentimental
I dream of someone who loves me
Loves me as I am, and how I will be

But it is only a dream...

I don't mean to sound selfish
and I'm sure I'll come across that way
but I wish I knew the exact moment
that you no longer glanced my way

I know I'll sound selfish
but what I say it true
I wish that you would do for me
as I do for you

I sound like a broken record
but I need to talk this through
I want to go back to the good
and just be me and you

Take away the pain we've been through
the words that we have said
take away the infidelity and cheating
I'm willing to let it all slide

We all have a past; things we are not proud of
I get that temptation is a *****
But please, give me my husband back
I give and give, but what about me?

This sickness inside me is ever growing
It is silent, deadly, and without my knowing
Has attacked me when I wasn't even looking
Cheap shot if you ask me

Draining my energy, my will to fight back
I'm drying up, lips beginning to crack
I can barely move, it turns to black
All I can do is sleep

Sleep, change position, rinse, repeat
It is challenging to compete
I just feel like a chunk of meat
Rotting as I lay here

This sickness is killing me.