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Holly Aug 2019
My husband married a woman that he does not find attractive.
He married a woman that loves him unconditionally, through his weight gain, through his overly sarcastic answers, through his laziness, through his depression, through his autism, through his unemployment, through it all... but he married a woman he doesn't find attractive.
He married me.

My husband doesn't find me attractive. He looks at me like a friend. He is in the routine of kissing me, but you can see its a chore. He has cheated on me, he has broken his marriage vows, he treats me like the dirt he walks on, but I love him anyway.

Other people tell me how pretty I am, on a daily basis... but I married a man that finds my personality brilliant, something to be treasured, but will not take care of my needs, will not help me around the house. I come home from work and I do the cooking, I clean the mess he has made while I was gone, I cook for his friends when they come over, I do the shopping... It feels like I do it all.. for a man who thinks I am less because I do not have a pretty face.
Holly Jan 2019
I might be in the red zone
unable to clear my head
I don't trust you anymore
your lied that I've been fed.

You call yourself a "God"
and make all these promises
but when a loyal follower has a need
you just make them beg

I begged and begged and begged for years
"Please let me have a child."
You dangled it right in my face
the child I will never have

My life now feels empty
so completely incomplete
its filled with overwhelming dread
can't get this out of my head.
Holly Jan 2019
The table is set
It's set for two
One plate for me
One plate for you
Food in the oven
Being Prepared
But where are you..
Nowhere

I'm all alone
While you sit on your throne
While my heart has become prone
To your harsh elements.

I eat all alone
Clean up, and move on
This has become our lives now.
Holly Jan 2019
At opposite ends of the couch, we sit
we sleep here too
we tell ourselves the bed is too small,
but what we really want is space from each other

why have things changed
we used to share the same bed
but things are different now

when all is said and done I know the real reason
you want to leave me, you do not love me,
you have not for a while

you want your distance.
Holly Feb 2019
I dream of other men
Leaving you and being with them
It is new and exciting
They are loyal and new
I have their full attention

I dream of divorcing you
Of being set free from your grasp
Leaving this hell hole and
Finding someone that actually cares
Finding someone who finds me attractive

You look at me with disgust
Like I'm hard to look at
Like I'm grotesque
I know I'm not the best
But how can you marry someone
You don't find attractive?

I dream of being set free
Of being loved and adored
Just the way I am
I dream of romance and quality time
Of someone who is encouraging,
helpful, intentional, sentimental
I dream of someone who loves me
Loves me as I am, and how I will be

But it is only a dream...
Holly Jan 2019
I long for you once more
Oh, to feel your touch against my skin again
It's been so long, I must admit
I'm a bit... sensitive.

Lay me down beside you in bed
Give me this one night
To make me feel special to you again
Like I'm actually your one and only.

Press your skin against mine
Your hands traveling the curves of my body
Exploring the landscape as if this is a new journey
Shock waves travel through my body as you do so

You stop yourself, not going farther
Leaving me under these lonely sheets
You have more important matters to tend to
I'm no longer a priority

My needs are not met
only yours matter
I've set a dangerous standard
Please, fill me with your love once more.
Holly Jan 2019
I used to be so sure
You would never ever leave
but so sure you love me
unconditionally

I thought this was forever
but now its very clear
that your love was only meant
to last but a couple years.

you were meant to be a dating thing
not meant for me to marry
I'm sorry for pursuing you
in such a hurried manner

I knew my love was real
from the moment that we met
I'm sorry I'm not enough for you
I tried but now I'm spent

I wanted to give you everything
but all you did was take
now I'm fighting back, you see
much before you wake

you awaken from this dream you're in
the ideal state of mind
to snap back to reality
the one I'm leaving behind.
Holly Jan 2019
On a lighter note I tell you
it was not always bad
we snuggled up close together
inside out cozy bed

I looked into your eyes
that night that we were wed
I held you as I sang goodnight
and wiped away your tears.

We fell asleep embraced together
help you all night long
no love was made that night
just bonding, made us strong

I long for that time again
each night I lay to sleep
to have you next to me again
If only, just a dream
Holly Jan 2019
I miss the love we used to make
the small lingering in the air
our sweet aroma lingering all around
under the covers there.

Our room was the safe place
your arms wrapped around me tight
I listened to your heart beating
all through the rest of the night

Our bed has long been empty
the space beside me bare
the couch is your new place of rest
all on your very own

I lay alone at night and think
what drove us this far apart
did I care too much
cling too tight,
was I too much to bare

I take responsibility
for the damage that's been done
I'll lay alone at night wondering whats the cost

Will I ever have my husband back
and by my side once more
How do I figure out a way
to make you mine again
Holly Jan 2019
I need you more than ever
but you seem so far away
you used to be so close to me
but now I am afraid

I'm scared one day I'll lose you
my husband of one year
I thought one day we would rule the world
but that dream is no more

I just want to save you
from the feelings felt inside
its not your fault our baby left
this world which we abide.

It's not your fault our child
was too perfect for this world
Peanut was not ready
for what God had in store

He brought our baby home to heaven
before its first heartbeat
before we could even see your face
up on that little screen

Mommy and Daddy miss you
more than you could ever know
we know your up above up
gazing down below
Holly Jan 2019
Please remove the mask you wear
I want to see your face
the monster that you've become, My Dear
the one you've always been.

Please remove the mask you wear
let me see your eyes
I've looked longingly into them for years now
but they are not the same.

Please remove the mask you wear
that smile on your face
has been replaced with teeth like daggers
sneering at me always

I will no longer by a fool
fall for the games you play
I no longer live by your rules
I leave you today
Holly Jan 2019
This sickness inside me is ever growing
It is silent, deadly, and without my knowing
Has attacked me when I wasn't even looking
Cheap shot if you ask me

Draining my energy, my will to fight back
I'm drying up, lips beginning to crack
I can barely move, it turns to black
All I can do is sleep

Sleep, change position, rinse, repeat
It is challenging to compete
I just feel like a chunk of meat
Rotting as I lay here

This sickness is killing me.
Holly Aug 2019
I go to bed alone.
My first day off in a week is today.
You come to bed at 6 AM.
I wake up at 8:30 AM for the day.
You will be sleeping for a while longer.
Sleep while you can. Rest while you can.

I'm sleeping alone after a year and a half of marriage.
If this how marriage is supposed to go?
I try and try my hardest every day... but it doesn't feel like its ever enough.
I'm sorry I can't be the woman you want me to be..

So... I will sleep alone.
Holly Jan 2019
I never got the chance to hold you
In my arms so tight
Never got to show you love
Or rock you late at night

I never got the chance to hold you
My little baby, Dear.
You’re always in my heart
Just waiting to hold you near.

One day, my child, I’ll hold you
And see your beautiful face
For inside the Pearly Gates, my Love
Oh so high up above.

I miss you oh so much
My precious little one
We had just two weeks together
Before is came crashing down

I love you more than words can express
But had to say goodbye.
Holly Feb 2019
I don't mean to sound selfish
and I'm sure I'll come across that way
but I wish I knew the exact moment
that you no longer glanced my way

I know I'll sound selfish
but what I say it true
I wish that you would do for me
as I do for you

I sound like a broken record
but I need to talk this through
I want to go back to the good
and just be me and you

Take away the pain we've been through
the words that we have said
take away the infidelity and cheating
I'm willing to let it all slide

We all have a past; things we are not proud of
I get that temptation is a *****
But please, give me my husband back
I give and give, but what about me?
Holly Aug 2019
What would happen if I left my husband?
The stability of having someone would go away...
but is that such a bad thing?
What would happen if I left him?

What if... I met a man that sees more than just my face?
What if... a man found me attractive in a way my husband does not?
What if... I am being held back because I married the wrong person?
What if... all of my problems would go away if I left him?

I used to love you unconditionally, but I am worn down and tired.
I used to want you beside me when I slept, but things have changed.
I used to miss you when I was away from you, not matter how short the time, but now it is a welcome break.
My time away from you is when I feel prettiest.

What if.... I left you?
Holly Jan 2019
Who would have known that when we first met we would fall in love that fast.
Who would have known, one day we would be married.
Who would have known that our adventures would take up on the other side of the world.
Who would have known that the first year of marriage would be this exciting.
Who would have known that we would actually conceive a child.
Who would have known that we would soon after lose a child…
Who would have known that the loss of a child we couldn’t even feel moving could separate us so much
Who would have known that the loss of a child could hurt this much…


Nobody can prepare us for what life has in store.
Sometimes leaning on each other is not enough.
I am not enough for you


I miss our adventures.
I miss your body against mine.
I miss you


I would give anything to take away this pain.
I want to fix it, but I can’t do this for you.
You must do this alone.

Who would have known….

— The End —