infinitely trapped by my own mind
constantly feeling isolated from those I'm closest to
while forever hanging on
to the hope of being close to those I don't even know
and all the while trying to discover exactly who I am and
where I would like to go in my life.

how about you?

a thick blanket of smoke surrounded me,
that came from inside my lungs?
the smoke enveloped my thoughts and shrouded my discernment    
it creeped around, its fingers beckoning me towards it.
it entered my lungs before i could say no, even though i had already said yes.  
why am i saying yes to so many poisonous things, and no to things that should matter
i wanted to do it, to prove myself; not  to him or her, but to myself.
if i don't act tough, that translates into vulnerability, and vulnerability is more dangerous than most risks taken
one more than her
a deeper hit
I guess I'm more competitive than I thought.
*but when do i draw the line

I (x)
am (is) equivalent to
the negativity of becoming someone who is
neutral
when breaking down the exact same yet half
of being yourself, being yourself
taking afar For a common knowledge
that rationalizes you
To become of an existence.

I take a deep breath and my nose and mouth are filled with water.
My body is immobile.
I find myself sinking deeper and deeper.
I can see the sun scattering particles of light through the water.

I never should have gone in the water.
What was supposed to be
a nice swim
turned into water too deep for me to handle.

I find myself struggling to get back to the top
but something keeps dragging me down.
I think I should give up,
be done.

But instead I try one last time
to kick my feet.
The water chills me inside and out.
My clothes weigh heavy on my body.

Wishing I was anywhere but here,
I see the blazing sun
one last time.

I can feel each individual drop of water on my body.
Each drop a heavy burden,
causing me to sink deeper and deeper until all is dark.

The last of my air leaves my chest.

I see others
but they sit on the shore facing the other way.

Finally, I realize that I am done for-
that my fate is to drown in the water
that I chose to swim in.

Looking up one last time,
I inhale another breath of water
and sink to the very bottom of it all.

She typed her poems in size 6 font
afraid of someone
reading over her shoulder.

She was a writer
afraid to share what she had written.

She knew
that she had revealed too much of herself
too much of the part of herself
that she keeps hidden,
suppressed.

To have someone read what she wrote
and know about her,
terrified her.

Yet she kept writing
knowing that it was what she wanted to do,
what she had to do.

If she didn't write,
no one would ever know anything
about her.

So she wrote
and proofread
deciding how much of herself
to reveal.

She would delete
and modify
until it seemed as if she was
an anonymous poet.

Yet someone always could tell
that it was her
doing the writing.

So she shared her poem
anyways.

If I wasn't myself
I would want to be the kid
that people write poems about.

But I am myself.
No one sees me
or hears me
but they read me.

I'm not the kid that they write poems about
because I am the one writing the poem
about you.

You read me
and by 'me' I mean my poems
but they aren't about me
they're about you.

But if you look closely
really really closely
you'll see me,
the writer,
hidden in the poem.

I'm not interesting enough
to have a poem written about me.

But if you want to read about me,
read with your soul
not your eyes or your brain
not even your heart.

No matter what the poem is about,
it's about me
hidden behind the guise
of you.

I am in every poem
that I write
because if I didn't write about myself,
no one would.

I remember back when
I promised myself
I would never kiss anyone
who I did not think the world of.

When times were tough last year
I kept asking myself, "Why do I even exist?"
Biggest pessimist in the world.

Recently, my mind expanded
Things started to pick up
and click into place
Glimpses of happiness were hinted, implied, emphasized further out
and were approaching closer and closer for me to grab
To where I now ask myself a different question:"Why do I even exist?"