You were broken when I met you.
I didn't realize the extent.
When I pulled back from our embrace,
I was covered in blood...both yours and mine.
Yours from previous violence,
and mine from your jagged edges.
You could provide no treatment,
no care or sutures for either of our wounds,
and I was unable to stop the bleeding,
untrained in that kind of repair.
I bled for a long time.
Still bleeding, if I'm honest.
I've kept it undercover,
masked with bandages and gauze.
I've applied pressure, but it remains.
The blood still trickles. The pain persists.
I don't know if your injuries have healed,
as our damages carried us apart.
Too weak to reach out, I can only wonder.
Can only ask myself the questions,
lament the answers I've realized are true,
and carry on with the regret.
These wounds are overdue to be closed.
I think it's time I learned to sew.
To finally stop the bleeding.

The same canvas
The same colors
The same landscape
every day.

Adept at the process
Fairly skilled in execution
There was joy once
But with repetition and no inspiration
the same outcome is achieved,
and the end result isn't what it used to be.

The canvas is showing signs of wear now
A roughness here, a crinkle there
Marks from a life of continued use,
from continued expression.
More paint to mask the imperfections
Some days it conceals,
but others it only highlights,
intensifies the flaws.

The same portrait,
over and over again.
Just something to present,
day in and day out.
With no real pride in the work or product,
the joy has waned.
A reflection of what's behind the scene.

Soft strokes, muted shades.
Every color twice-over to choose from,
but the same three or four used.
Just a small handful of the wealth that surrounds
Tucked away in boxes
Collecting dust
But kept, perhaps for someday
When the muse might awaken
From her long sleep.

To revive me.

I'll never know why
Why it's not me that you want
Why I'm not enough
Why I'm not worth taking the chance

Why it's not that it's someone else...
it's just not me.

I'll never know why
Why you exist only in the periphery of my life
Why you will not step inside
Why you drift out but never truly leave

Why the way you 'love' me isn't real...
isn't how I wish you would.

I'll never know why
Why I still care so much
Why it consumes me
Why I can't let go

Why my heart still hopes for you,
despite the pain.

I'll never know.

hidden under the ash
but still retaining warmth

every once in awhile
you come around
and stoke the remains of the fire
allowing oxygen in
providing fuel
and the coals begin to breathe again

the orange glow becomes brighter
radiating
gaining strength
illuminating some of the dark

i'm conscious enough
to recognize the familiar surge
and not become consumed
but seemingly powerless
to ever extinguish it

what will it take
for the glow to fade
for the embers to cool
for the fire to go out

Someday
Someone
Will think that you
Are worth the trouble.

Consistently inconsistent
Reliably unreliable
Amiably aloof
Unmistakably ambiguous
Predictably erratic
Revealingly vague
Openly shut tight

Distinctly indistinct
Lucidly incoherent
Affectionately cold.
Unremittingly intermittent
Accessibly inaccessible
Penetratingly impenetrable

Relentingly relentless.

Some things in life you can always count on to remain the same.
In that regard, you'll always be there for me. Unfailingly.

Struggling under your net
Captured but not kept
You will not take me in and keep me
But release is not imminent either
Fascinated by my colors, the way I move
Attracted to my unique song
Amused and entertained
But not committed to my upkeep
Play with me when you need a lift
Draw me in and stroke my pretty feathers
Mesmerize me with another smile
Eyes shining, looking into mine
Feed my weakness for affection, connection
And then return to your life
And leave me here
Struggling
Fighting, but losing strength
Yearning for actual love
Safety

Take me in and keep me
Or let me go

It would feel like release either way.