Inconsistency and ambivalence.
Constant push and pull.
You're here. Now you're not.
"I love you". We haven't spoken in months.
Indifference and apathy.
Mixed messages.
I'm who you want when you don't want to be alone.
Company. Just company.

Interest. Disappearance. Repeat.

There it is
The knocking on the door again
Identify yourself
Before I can let you in
Friend? Foe? Fling? Forever?
What are your intentions
Strengthening the guard
Entry reserved
You need to identify yourself
Before access will be granted
Inside these walls

Pick me up. Read me.
Fan my pages. Break my spine.
Make notes. Place bookmarks.
Try to learn and understand what may not make sense to you.
Skip ahead and then go back.
Re-read.
Interpret.
Take me in.
Dog-ear the important pages.
Feel the weight of the whole volume.
Do you have questions?
What are your favorite parts?
What do you wish to rewrite?
Or do you only wish to add?
Pick me up. Read me.

I let myself wade in too deep,
got pulled in by the tumultuous current.
But the tide has never come back in.
There's no sanctuary out here. I need to get out now.
To save myself.

Reaching up through the puddle,
but still sinking.
I'm here. You see? See my hand?
I'm here. Someone look.
Reaching up through the puddle,
but still sinking.
Waiting for the grasp of a steady hand to help pull me free.
The rain keeps falling.
But I'm still here, though. See?

The rain is beautiful.
I wish I could watch it from the window.
Instead of looking up at it from the pavement.

Hurt, angry, confused, lost, struggling
Put the mask on so they can't see and judge
"What do you have to be upset about?"
What I perceive as stressors don't matter to you
Under pressure
Feeling low
Weak under the weight
Swinging my arms, flailing, trying to grasp
But not making solid contact
No idea what to do
Except keep wearing the mask
Everything's fine.