I want to be angry with you
Over something you didn’t know you were supposed to do
Unreasonable
It’s true
But anger seldom thinks clearly
It sits in my chest
Makes a big mess
Takes away happiness’ success
And so
I pretend
And bend
Smile and remember that we are friends
The feeling is still there
Ignored by me
And ignored by you
Even more thoroughly
As you pretend
And bend
And act like you don’t see
Frustration welling up in me

I don’t want to brag
Especially in the
Company
Of so many who are wonderful at poetry
But you can search far, wide, cold places,
And hot
And you won’t find a better muse
Than the one I got  
My poetry isn’t really good enough for him
He deserves Maya Angelou
Someone good enough to be known
So the entire world can see
Just how perfect a muse/poet team can be
That incredible human being
Who should be praised
Throughout history
Surely deserves a better poet than me

Sometimes I dwell and berate myself
Over details that should remain on
The shelf
Why did she say that?
What did he mean?
Who are these people?
They are nothing to me!
Yet I work myself over
Replaying the scene
Figuring on what might have been
I think maybe it might be everyone's
Fate
To have the perfect comeback
An hour too late

It’s not self sabotage
When it was already destined to fail
Could’ve held on
I suppose
But nobody knows
How long one must wait
After putting it out there
Self agitate
Burning, yet wet
Unlikely bets
The dealer ignoring
My cards on the table
And I laid them out there
The best I was able
Avoiding my gaze
Not a worthy bet
But that’s what one dealer said
There gotta be a table for me
I just haven’t found it yet
I gotta learn how to stack that deck

I’ve been well loved by many
But I’ve been well hated too
With the right smarmy attitude
The haters can bring the best out of you
Thank you to all those *******
Wishing sadness, talking ****
Without the motivation
To prove you wrong
I surely couldn’t have accomplished
Half of it

And so it begins
The social media
Farce fake friendship
Between
Myself and a relative
Who cannot agree
On ANYTHING
Aside from the fact
We both pretend
With great patience and tact
We don’t dislike each other
Immensely
The problem is her
But also me
We just grate against each other
Painfully
But that is kept privately
And we smile
And put on the fake friendship show
In front of everybody

What in the actual f!@k
Has happened to this country?
How can one single
Dumb human
Cause so much strife and disharmony?
I suppose this trouble’s been brewing
For nearly an eternity
But to bring it around
For some unfunny clown
Is an embarrassment, globally

You came for a while
Sat on my shoulder
Enrapturing to my eye
I wanted to keep you nearby
But it’s wrong to rip the wings from a butterfly 🦋

The seven dwarfs
Disney cut
Were unsuccessful in their lawsuit
Against him
Scratchy
Dummy
Stinky
*****
*****
Hairy
And Fattie
Never recovered from Disney’s burn

You punish me
Unintentionally
Make me believe you do not care to see
Me
Allow me to walk down this path
Alone
Won’t even throw me a **** bone
Letting me wonder what do you see
Or if you even notice me
Effort and honesty
I present to thee
And you present to me
Empty
I do not know what to perceive
Am I getting on your nerves?
Do you wish I would just leave?
Stop stirring things up unnecessarily?
Throwing flailing, foul curves?
Taking you through uncomfortable swerves
I set myself up for this punishment
So now I can’t complain
But here I am
*******
And I probably will be
Again

I’m delusional enough to believe
It wasn’t me he decided to leave
At least not because of me
I tell myself
He was scared
Or too busy
What ever fairy tale
That allows me to still believe

Hemming and hawing
Braying and cawing
Practically bawling
Begging for you
And this inept
Grab at a slice of attention
That never comes
Is all this dummy can do

People will have something to say
However you do it, any way
If you stay quiet
Or have a lot to say
Whether you wake up late at night
Or early in the day
Whether you spectate
Or whether you play
Whether you’re straight
Or whether you’re gay
Whether you say
Yay or nay
Whether your an atheist
Or if you pray
Whether you’re black
Or white or gray
On your nerves
It’s gonna fray
If you bother with what
Other people say

One of us
Owes the other
An apology
The guilty party
Is me
But I twist it to such a degree
I truly believe
I had a good reason to…
Shut up
Self
That’s the ego in me
Feeding me
Stupidity
*******, ignorant foolish, moronic
Bad decision to the speed of sonic
BOOM
Set fire to
The entire
ROOM
But I don’t back out gracefully
Like I should do
Instead
I play a hundred tunes
About fire and heat and burning alive
There I go, spilling out jive
As if that could possibly
Put out a fire

I am the harmless nutcase
Sweating over you
Almost obsessively
To a high degree
Which really means
A LOT     AND MORE
But you’re the one I’m doing it for
It’s a mind game on me
And maybe on you
Potentially
And knowing this
It’s something I still do
It is exploitation
Really
To use you permisionlessly
I’ve said this before
And continue
Knowingly
Exploiting you
To the benefit of me
Uncredited inspiration
I plagiarize your spirit
Using it
Pretending I know it
Taking liberties
Telling myself some ******* story
You would feel flattered by me
Justification factory
But I’m not hurting anybody
And if anyone asked
I’d credit thee
The perfect muse for a nutcase like me

I’m runnin’ this wagon off the road
Horses need to rest
Ya know
Been galloping full speed
As long as they could
And it didn’t do any good
The desert vast
I’m full of thirst
And off this endless road to nowhere
Can’t be any worse

This is me
Desperately
Writing him poetry
He will never see
Apparently
There’s no magic button
To set me free
From he
So I still write him poetry
Maybe foolishly
But not really
These poems are actually
Written for me

I ask him for what I want
And he will not comply
That’s what I get
For falling for such a hard headed guy

I did learn a lesson
In case you were wondering
Not that it will bring you back around
Or change anything
The lesson learned
Is only applicable
To the rare situation
That happens to involve you
I think you mighta paid a price
For me to learn that lesson, too
Someday I may
Get the chance at thanking you

Maybe it’s not so grim
As it seems to you
But being the one
With bad luck
Is really hard to do
******* body
******* mind
Wondering what you did
To deserve this ****** time.

Don’t choose me
If you have to choose
I’m going to be
With one
Who cannot help
But be
With me

He’s looking for a woman
And he’s looking DESPERATELY
Inbox inundation
Woeful, longing pleas
Compliments of irrelevance
He only notices what he sees
He’s looking for a woman
With his eyes and not his soul
And he wonders why
He is still alone
Nobody wants to be
Committed to someone
To be their eye candy

I almost feel sorry for you
Sitting over there
Trying so hard to be offensive
And don’t nobody care
It must be thoroughly frustrating
To be ignored
When using every trigger word
Trolling, trolling, vigorously
Screaming “somebody PLEASE notice me!”
And still, nobody bothers to see
Your frustration displayed so angrily
Go back in the basement and shut the door
Cry for ya mummy til your lungs are sore
But whatever you do
WHATEVER you do
Don’t come round here bothering me no more

I wanna get that church boy
Raunchy and hott
Bring it to him
Like he never gott
He won’t feel it’s sinning
He’ll be too busy grinning
And he’ll certainly be
Thanking God

Wishes are free
And from what I can see
Pretty empty
But it’s not over, yet
We shall see

I keep acting like I want your attention
The truth is
It’s terrifying
I’m the moth who cannot resist the flame
And however I meet it
I will not be the same
I only have myself to blame
The journey of burney
I take willingly
Knowing it probably won’t end
EVER
For me
Maybe I can make myself believe
That’s how I really want it to be

Is it alright
If I imagine you
Sweaty and ****?
Do I have your permission
To pretend you’re positioned
On top of my body
And under me, too?
Can I lick all over you?
In my ***** ***** mind
You taste so salty
And feel so **** fine
Do you mind
What I do to you in my mind?  
Bumping, rocking, forceful grind
I’m taking advantage of you
Using your body
Tasting your sweet
Tenderizing your meat
In my fantasy
You’re doing the same to me
If you do not disagree
In my imagination
That’s how it will be
You making it hot and heavy
With me

I am not the type to build up your ego
With false praise and compliments
I don't go out of my way
To accomodate
Your issues or irrational concerns
I won't play mind games
Or accept them from you
It seems that's what you are used to
You hesitate before you speak
Judging what you'll say
And I can't help but think
Liars do it that way
But also
Maybe
It could be
You're used to being inauthentic
Because you needed to be
I suppose in time I'll see

Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word but words for you are lies
… Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know, oh
… I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here
… All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears
… Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue
But it's time you got the news
… I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here
… Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know, oh
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here

Maybe he’ll be back again
Could be soon
Don’t know when
Probably it will be
Some time before he
Isn’t disgusted with me
Deservedly
When I open mouth and stick in feet
Foolishly
I’d like to make him believe
I didn’t say it seriously
But I dislike dishonesty
And at that time
I meant what I said
And frankly I still do
But I should have kept it to myself
This ******* don’t think things through
Fickle and faulted
And dented and dumb
Practically numb
It’s no big surprise
He don’t want him some

The swimming pool that’s only two feet deep
The alarm clock going off when you just fell asleep
The shower with only five minutes of hot water
Desperate for a son, but you get a daughter
The beautiful flower that smells like ****
The fly that just landed in your soup
The day at the beach when it starts to rain
Your beautiful white dress that just got a stain
A bunch of sand on your fingers with your nails still wet
Losing what you were positive was a sure bet
A scratch across your brand new glasses
A highway that doesn’t allow any passes
A baseball game with excessive delays
A guy who tells you he loves you and disappears for days
A fan that only blows hot air
Just sitting down someone takes your chair
A nice stack of pancakes
But you ran out of syrup
Meeting a cute guy just when you burp
Gum on the rug
No rain for your ark
An uninterested shrug
A day that is dark
A weekend you have to work overtime
When your pants won’t zip up and your shoes won’t shine
Boring as traffic when you went for a good time
Trying to keep up, but falling behind
Finding the bathroom you NEED, but with a long line
A date without any wine or dine
Just saying hello, and now saying goodbye
A **** disappointment
But everything’s fine
I’m heading over to the back of the line
I’ll catch you on the flip side
I can see what I would have had in store
I don’t have the confidence to be ignored
I’m also lacking patience too
But it was wonderful
While it lasted
Knowing you
Thank you for that
And I mean it
You beautiful, beautiful man

Arguing over the internet
Futile, probably
Frustrating, surely
But occasionally
There is a hugely satisfying victory
All the better
There in writing
For everyone to see
One would assume
People want to avoid drama
Naturally
But that’s not the case
For some who are so lonely
And inept at being friendly
So they create controversy
Just to interact with humanity
The natural reaction is to get angry
But really
We should feel sorry
Through the curtain of *******
The hurt person inside is hard to see

My mistakes
Aplenty
Exist because of me
Behaving foolishly
Some I’ve managed to rectify
Most don’t have that possibility
Time will not reverse itself
And I cannot make it not a part of me
I have no defense for my stupidity
Living in the memory
Of those I’ve wronged
Including myself
This faulted, ugly mess
And so what if I confess
Years after it’s relevant
Maybe if I learn from it
A mistake is
Somehow
More innocent

You turned me on
On purpose
I know you knew
Exactly how to
Tingle and jingle
My insides
Giving me all those good lovin’ vibes
You started off ahead of the game
With all that **** confidence
So **** hard to resist
A man who knows he’s got good lovin’
To give
You spread it thin
But I’ll still be taking my hit
When you come around again

How can it be
You have this invisible hold on me?
Unrealistic insanity
Willingly
By me
It’s not unhealthy
Nor ugly
Or something that needs to be feared
But obviously
It’s kind of weird

This place ain’t
For the faint
Of soul
Diamond hardness
How we roll
Maybe some newbies might see
Weakness, bleeding,
Free people crying to be free
** humming and woes
Created for prose
And maybe some laughs
Too
But each human emotion
Celebrated or cursed
Sometimes a cross of the two
All of that is not
Something the faint-hearted would do

Listen mister, misses
Finishing each thing you do
With
"LIKE A BOSS"
Says nothing about you
Except that you're a braggidy poo
Let someone else
Do that for you

Self sabotage
When it’s happening
Feels perfectly justified
Something inside
Gets fried
Maybe from too much pain
Pretending to feel sane
And having no right to complain
Brings about exhausted brain
Frustration, and even pain
Longing isn’t a happy place
Stepping and stepping every day
Yet no closer  to winning any race
No rewards
And this leads to self sabotage

I ain’t gonna recover from wanting you
It will always be there
I might wind up meeting somebody new
But if you came around
Asking for me
I would answer so hastily
Heads would spin
And everyone would see
There isn’t anyone else as perfect for me
As you seem to naturally be
Beautiful, man, beautiful mind
Beautiful soul, so **** fine
So I will stand here in line
Waving my arms and shouting my lines
Maybe one day, it will be the right time
And I’ll throw up just the right sign
To cause your attention to become mine

I’m sorry lady
You’re so angry
That you cannot make me agree
Your imaginary
Take on the situation
Is how it really be
You are certainly free
To believe what you
Think you can see
But the mirage in your mind
Has nothing to do with me

Poetry is my ego
Talking through me
It's my words
In my world
And I am the deity
In the world
Of my poetry

Bit into the hook
Tugged on the line
Lots of times
Sitting out in the sea
Stuck on a hook
Fisherman!
Reel me in
And either set me free
Or eat me!

Twisted mind games
Don’t age well
In text
Used to be the users and losers
Got lost
In undocumented abyss
And now
There’s the flood of proof
Often swimming with tides of
Same stories
Realizing similarities
In so many other bodies
A relief and yet a curse
Your pain becomes irrelevant
Against so many others
Who have had it worse
Twisted mind games
Commonly unique
Sounds all too common
From anyone who speaks
Some went on for far too long
Others got out quick
But most of us
Have been burdened
With loving something sick

I want to love you
And hold you
And lick you all over
Even **** on your sweaty toes
(among other things)
I want your body to feel so
Relaxed and at peace
I want to have you moaning for me
I want to rub you and cover you
With kisses
Make you exclaim
“What GREAT loving this is!”
As you lay on my reverence altar
While I worship your sacred manhood
Recently lovingly bathed by me
Your magnificent, beautiful body
Oiled and primed
I’ll take my sweet time
From head to feet
Feet to head
Lots of time in the middle
Boo
You know I got sumthin’ waiting for you
To make happiness spill from your pores
And just so you know
It’s only yours

He is the type of man who responds to demands
And I am the girl who hates to be demanding
The problem with him:
Disappearance often
Which he is entitled to do
I am not writing this for me
I am writing this for him
I hope he sees
I feel like it will bring him growth
Knowing what I think I know
I want to give him a glimpse from
An outside point of view
But it’s taking the rhyme out of this poem
No matter how much the words sound alike
Because it’s a love letter too
And sometimes love has no reason or rhyme
But I have to admit to myself
He and I
Might not be a good match
In love
However the friendship will stay sure and strong
My whole life long

The only thing worse than being ignored
Is negative recognition
When people who don’t like you
Go overboard
In hating , **** talking, and dissing
Most of the times
It’s in whispers
And everyone loves to listen
Negativity seems to be
More popular than things that are sweet
I suppose loving the drama and rotting  meat
Is part of being a human being

I don’t know if I’m a blessing disguised as a wreck
Or just a wreck
I haven’t figured myself out, yet

It might be that
He is too big for me
With
All of that pure energy
And beautiful personality
But I am a woman
Mired in greed
Aspirations bigger than
My ability
I’d rise, though
And grow
To be
Better than I could have believed
And I’ll still do that
Anyway
Regardless of what
He takes or leaves

I am proud of myself
For letting you go
There was a time
I didn’t think it possible
But here I am, sights on someone new
Walking away
With nothing but love for you
Ain’t much different
This girl can do

She’s volatile
And weak
But growing and healing
So to speak
So she speaks
Words volatile and weak
Turns round
Through
Speak