Do I have your permission
To continue using you
As my muse?
It’s selfish of me
Maybe
To use you
Good and bad, too
My own ends
Nothing in it for you

I can’t blame him for avoiding a potential train wreck
Or staying far out of it’s way
Uninvolvement completely
Why cross rattling tracks
When you weren’t even going that way?

Small, wet, and
Buried
Trying hard to remember
I am a seed
Buried is where I need
To be

I am fully expecting you to
Shine your light through my cracks
Whether it be not by intent
Nor whim
Doesn’t make the light dim

Self sabotage
When it’s happening
Feels perfectly justified
Something inside
Gets fried
Maybe from too much pain
Pretending to feel sane
And having no right to complain
Brings about exhausted brain
Frustration, and even pain
Longing isn’t a happy place
Stepping and stepping every day
Yet no closer  to winning any race
No rewards
And this leads to self sabotage

I’m runnin’ this wagon off the road
Horses need to rest
Ya know
Been galloping full speed
As long as they could
And it didn’t do any good
The desert vast
I’m full of thirst
And off this endless road to nowhere
Can’t be any worse

I couldn’t have tried any harder
Put in heart and soul
Displayed and splayed out
Open, like a wound
Festered
Blistered
Splintered
And broke
You witnessed it all
Til it turned to smoke
All the effort
Nothing is gained
Lost is hope and confidence
Only the ashes remain
Along with the sooty stain
I know I have no right to complain
All the liberties I take
You gave me none
For goodness sake

It wasn’t ever gonna be
So I destroyed it purposely
That way I could make myself believe
The rejection came from me
Minds play games
Desperately
I wonder how long it will be
Until I stop writing him poetry

It was the direction
I was once heading
But now I’ve veered off course
Not sure where I’m going
But it can’t be any worse

It was my fault
Really
I tried to blame you
For pretending not to see
But I should have known
Your disinterest was a “no”
I had every reason to go
Just like I do now
Yet here I am
With five encores
And twelve final bows
As a means of explanation
To nobody else but me
Trying to understand
Why I held on so pitifully
I must have gotten something from it
It healed something to some degree
I chained myself to a dream
And now I call myself free
But here I still stay
Tethered to thee

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough
But we both know that’s not true
I suppose I could have tried longer
If I was stronger
But I am a spineless shrew
I can blame it on my invisibility
But I know you could hear me speak
I’ve got no excuse
And you’ve got plenty
But frankly, sir
It would have been easy
For you to just tell me to leave
It wasn’t your responsibility
We both know that to be true
But when you’re pretending
To be unaware
There’s no such thing as
True and fair

He sat back
And watched me burn
In his front row spot
All the time
Sipping his wine
Ignoring all the hot
The flames were so persistent
Consuming much my spirit
And though I screamed real loud
He pretended not to hear it
One day I will get my turn
With the one who will not let me burn

Endings aren’t happy at first
But after you’ve been through
What feels like the worst
Dark nights
And dark days, too
The sun will rise
And shine on you
The road had turned
Into a path
Smaller and smaller
Scooting on your ***
Covered in brambles
The plan is in shambles
And your flip broke away
From it’s flop
In bare feet you plod and trop
Still, you’re not gonna stop
Past the ending
Toward the new start
And this is the journey
With matters of the heart

What will I tell God
If He lets me in
To Heaven?
Should I apologize
For my worship of a mere man?
Confess all my sins
Which He already knows
Were they a part of His plan?  
And if that truth be
Shouldn’t He be apologizing
To me?

I stood there
Looking at him
Adoringly
For faaaaaaar toooooo looooong
And then caught a big attitude
With him
Because he didn’t tell me to leave

You owe me nothing
Not one thing
Or non thing
The void of what you gave me
The void I left behind
Apparently
We did each other in kind
And we both will be just fine
You before me
But I will get there
Sometime
Down the line
But that’s what I get
For pursuing the divine

What was it?
The last thing you said to me?
It doesn’t stick in my memory
I didn’t pay enough attention
Apparently
And isn’t that the crux
Of you and me?
If I heard you talking now
I would listen
Attentively

It’s not over
Though it should be
It may be finished for you
But it’s not over for me
For now
I sit back silently
Watching, wondering
What will be
It’s still a prison
Even after I set myself free
I’m locked in this cage
Mentally

My mistakes
Aplenty
Exist because of me
Behaving foolishly
Some I’ve managed to rectify
Most don’t have that possibility
Time will not reverse itself
And I cannot make it not a part of me
I have no defense for my stupidity
Living in the memory
Of those I’ve wronged
Including myself
This faulted, ugly mess
And so what if I confess
Years after it’s relevant
Maybe if I learn from it
A mistake is
Somehow
More innocent

I did learn a lesson
In case you were wondering
Not that it will bring you back around
Or change anything
The lesson learned
Is only applicable
To the rare situation
That happens to involve you
I think you mighta paid a price
For me to learn that lesson, too
Someday I may
Get the chance at thanking you

Here I am
All brash and cocky
Talkin’ ‘bout
“He’s gonna miss me”
Been saying it over and over again
Surely because I’ve been missing him
He might be back around one day
I might find the right words to say
On this forgiveness mission
None of it matters anyway
When he’d be foolish to listen
Tangled webs hanging
In the corner I painted myself within
When one cannot blame anyone else
Excuses wear real thin
His final gift to me
The growth I feel within

He has blocked me
Probably permanently
I deserved it, too
The awkward part is
I keep talking to him
And it will continually be
Something he never knew

I know I ain’t really gonna leave
When I stand up and give a big speech
About all the gripes that push me to go
I  got a whole list to show
Carefully penned
With shaking hands
So much for all my plans
I planned to stay
Then planned to go
Ignoring the truth that I  know
Whether I go
Or whether I stay
It makes no difference
Either way
To you
That’s true
So I stand in the yard
Where you leave me
While you pretend not to be home
And somehow that’s almost enough
I ain’t so tough
And I ain’t so cool
I ain’t got the status to set any rules
None of it went according
To plan
This must be what erectile dysfunction
Feels like to a man

One of us
Owes the other
An apology
The guilty party
Is me
But I twist it to such a degree
I truly believe
I had a good reason to…
Shut up
Self
That’s the ego in me
Feeding me
Stupidity
*******, ignorant foolish, moronic
Bad decision to the speed of sonic
BOOM
Set fire to
The entire
ROOM
But I don’t back out gracefully
Like I should do
Instead
I play a hundred tunes
About fire and heat and burning alive
There I go, spilling out jive
As if that could possibly
Put out a fire

Gone
I may be
But it brought him no joy
To get rid of me

It’s not self sabotage
When it was already destined to fail
Could’ve held on
I suppose
But nobody knows
How long one must wait
After putting it out there
Self agitate
Burning, yet wet
Unlikely bets
The dealer ignoring
My cards on the table
And I laid them out there
The best I was able
Avoiding my gaze
Not a worthy bet
But that’s what one dealer said
There gotta be a table for me
I just haven’t found it yet
I gotta learn how to stack that deck

You ain’t gonna listen
But leaving someone to continue
Upon a hopeless mission
Like this one

Not so fun
For me
At least
You must have got something
From it
It would have been easy to set me free
You chose to leave me outside
On the leash
Chained to a fantasy
And stay there
I would have always
But these **** opposable thumbs
Couldn’t agree

How does one go about mourning
The loss of something they never had?
This must be what motivates
The villains to turn bad
When what could maybe be
Has really
Always been

Never will happen

One can let it smolder and burn to ash
Or kick that “ain’t gonna happen”
Out on it’s ***
I’m the type to be
Foolish and brash
Particularly when I run out of gas
I thought it was solar powered
But it’s not renewable
It turns out
However
To be entirely screwable
And now it’s in so tight
The head has disappeared
But the mark that it left
Will be there for years

I brought it down in flames
Purposely
But there’s only so long
A pilot can circle
Before they become
Kamikaze
Blew it up on a cliff
Spectacularly
But that’s what happens
At the death of a dream

It’s not a big thing
But it stopped a big thing
Which previously
I thought no thing could be
The thorn and the crown
The “**** girl, you let yaself down”
The “when and if he comes back around
He may listen, but he won’t believe”
The girl who apparently
Got cheap tricks up her sleeve
He ain’t missing nothing
Smartest to leave

It was less a move towards him
As it was
A move away from you

I am a ****** girl
Rot
Like trash
I would rather
Rot
Though
And become fertilizer

Not sure what could have been
If I had only seen it then

Maybe he’ll be back again
Could be soon
Don’t know when
Probably it will be
Some time before he
Isn’t disgusted with me
Deservedly
When I open mouth and stick in feet
Foolishly
I’d like to make him believe
I didn’t say it seriously
But I dislike dishonesty
And at that time
I meant what I said
And frankly I still do
But I should have kept it to myself
This ******* don’t think things through
Fickle and faulted
And dented and dumb
Practically numb
It’s no big surprise
He don’t want him some

You gonna come back
One day
And I won’t make the same mistakes

You will feel my absence
Musing wondering
How does she be?
And then you will come looking for me
Whether or not
I can see you
You will want to know
What I am up to
And maybe one day
You’ll appear again
And we can be friends

You’re the one
But maybe it’s time for me to move on
Silence from you
What’s a girl to do?  
Set my sights on the two

What I am
Who I am
I will probably
Always be
Potentially
Great
But not likely
Above average probably
But not enough so that anybody sees
I’m not sure, though
I would want that to be
The world calling me out on my poetry
I don’t know if I’d wish that fate on
Anybody

How do you stay grounded and sane
When you’re the best
And it’s been that way
Barely a contest
Everyone bows
Kowtows
Tell you you’re great
Repeating every line you say
Going so far out of their way
For a sliver of attention
You may, or may not pay
But either way
They will say
A repeat of some fake fantasy
That you and they
Jammed and played
And now they claim to know you
Intimately
And you’re like “what the heck is that one’s name?”
But you play the game
Smiling and nodding and many
Hand shakes
So much work
And Fuckery and Fakes
To build up a legend
But that’s what it takes

You probably hear it
Often, and over again
How special you are
True, and deep, and aware
You make me see things
That never before were there
Thank you for the vision
Increase my field of view
The sight not otherwise seen
Except through knowing you

One day I am going to know what he smells like

It is a devilish pleasure
Watching someone I dislike
Get their comeuppance
Admittedly
There is evil in me
The part which tells me
I am worthy to serve
An opinion regarding
What others deserve.

Can I force it?
What will come to me
Inspirationlessly?
Nothing to say
All the space to say it in
And a brain all too thin
On ideas and big thoughts
What can little thoughts be?
Meaningless nothings
Wasted on a brain
Almost insane
Wanting to say
Something, anything
Waste paper space
But starting is something
Every poem needs
Even the waste of paper ones
Paper is worth wasting on potential

My story is ugly
No matter how much glitter I apply

Wonderment at what’s on
The horizon
And the determination
To get there

Connection abruptly paused
Neither at fault for the cause
I dwell for days
On the things I wish I could say
Wondering if you’re
Wondering what happened to me
I know you’re not taking it personally
It’s such a **** shame
The internet isn’t free
But here I am today
Temporarily

Maybe you’re not “him”
But at the very least
You’re a cool spring of water
And a field full of flowers
With the perfect tree for climbing
Along my path
Or maybe
You are an oasis mirage
But I’m heading in that direction
So we’ll see
What may be
Between you and me

Wake up, Boo
I wanna tickle your brain
Tease it and please it
Til you feel insane
And give in to
The madness
With gentle refrain
Bliss can be true
If you let the madness
Encompass you
What other option
When only a dream will do

Some kinda something is there
Between us otherwise strangers
Small interactions
Now and then
Mysterious energy
I can’t explain
Between you and me
Over airwaves
Almost anonymously
But some way
Somehow
It means something to me

I don’t know what I’m searching for
With this poetry
It certainly means
Something to me
My ego massaged
Maybe
To be the Creator
Of poetry