Clarity
A gift not often
Gladly received
Or given easily
I could write a poem about it
But I’m still stuck in the weeds

My children are my legacy
But they are grown
And don’t need me
So now I write my poetry

Everything to lose
Or everything to gain
The way things are now
You can’t complain
Why make a move
When you don’t have to?
So what’s this lovesick girl to do?
There’s no reason for you to come through
Blameless, beautiful, too good to be true
You
Maybe you feel you can’t measure up
To the vision I have of you
But isn’t that just another way
Of calling me a fool?
(And you know that isn’t true)
You definitely give me credit
You know I’m properly schooled
We could be cool
I know you feel it, Boo
Open the door
Let me walk through
Who knows where it goes?
Wherever that be
I feel that it’s something
You’d want to see
But maybe it ain’t
You can already tell
Or maybe a mix of the both
I promise you will not regret
Letting me get close
Plain and simple
I promise you will not regret
Letting me get close

How can it be
You have this invisible hold on me?
Unrealistic insanity
Willingly
By me
It’s not unhealthy
Nor ugly
Or something that needs to be feared
But obviously
It’s kind of weird

I woo him so earnestly
Practically
Like a knight trying to earn
The badge of chivalry
I give him all of me
Albeit distantly
And he pays little to no
Attention to me
Hurtful it be
Because I take it so personally
But how else could one perceive
Baring their soul to somebody
Who does not want to see?
Sometimes I wish he would say
“*****, would you just go away”
He’s got no motivation to speak
My game is too weak
I’m past my peak
I’m not what he seeks
I need lots of tweaks
And then
I realize
It’s really got nothing to do with me
Sometimes there’s just no reason
Things cannot be
And the fault doesn’t lie
With him
Or with me
It might just not be meant to be
And I’m still happy
I really like me
And even though he don’t want it that way
He probably will agree
As far as admirers go
He couldn’t do much better than me
So I’ll keep on admiring
Because he’s so worthy

It might be that
He is too big for me
With
All of that pure energy
And beautiful personality
But I am a woman
Mired in greed
Aspirations bigger than
My ability
I’d rise, though
And grow
To be
Better than I could have believed
And I’ll still do that
Anyway
Regardless of what
He takes or leaves

It is
Indeed
In deeds
We be
But words are free
And serve when deeds are an
Impossibility

I cannot hear what you don’t say
Silence is not your typical way
Could be black or white
But you choose gray
It’s perfectly ok
That you don’t want to play
You have your reasons
Valid and true
If I ain’t your flavor
I hope you find what you savor
I pray you have in your crew
Someone delicious to you

Past the stage of blissful anonymity
He will not acknowledge me
I suppose it means that I am free
These ties are all imaginary
And even though I know it
Chained to him is still where I be
Completely unromantically

I cannot understand how he could have
Fallen  for her
An otherwise perfect man
Feeding the greedy cat with the
Persistent purr
Glamour on the skin
Pettiness within
How he missed all that
Before he got too far in
Is so far from right
It’s almost a sin.
Still smell ****
From what that man stepped in
It will bring stress and strife
Falling for the beautiful ***
Without making sure it’s well-wiped

In my imagination
He finds me highly entertaining
And sometimes I give him a *****

I don’t really belong to you
Yet I kinda sorta do
Since you’re the standard
To which everyone
Is held up to

Bonafide nutcases
Explaining their thoughts
Maybe confusion
Maybe clarity
Depending upon
What one receives

Abandoned
Deserved or not
Maybe a lifetime of this
Set far apart
Missing almost from the grid
Sort of solitary
Confinement
Sad poetry
Written by me
Karma
It must be
Alone with only me
Writing sad poetry
Bumming you out
Probably
What’s the use?!
Sad poetry

I want to bring you discomfort
I want you to feel smothered by the cocoon
You have gotten so used to
It is there gagging you
The butterfly
Refusing to break through
Such is the curse
Of comfortable cocoons
Yet
It’s been so many moons
Your ideas
Breaking through
You simply cannot help it, Boo
That **** cocoon cannot hold you

I write him far-away poems
Jerking off in lamplight
Public *******
Reflecting back on my face
Screen attachment to a maybe
Baby

The undeniable can be ignored
One would assume it couldn’t
I’ve seen impossibilities before
When what one is compelled to do
Might be something they shouldn’t
There’s no way to know ahead of time
Whether it end in roses or in the bramble
But most things really worth doing
Are gonna be a gamble

He is my muse
Rarely on time
Though always with the right line
He will never be mine
But these poems live forever
As part of me
Which is probably more
Than most lovers
Have in store
And ever will be

I am a slinger of words
Some slings linger

Dear future Valentine
I am waiting
Celibately
Until you come for me

I don’t need you to thrive
Or maybe I do
Nobody else
But you
Boo
Maybe some day
You will know it, too

I remain tightly knotted
Intertwined
Bound to your line
But you’ve got so much slack
It’s unnoticeable to you
This tug of war
To get a twitch on your end
Is all this lonely fisherwoman
Can do
I cling to the pole
Replenish the bait
And wait for the current
To carry my fate

Everything to say
Then
Nothing at all
In the space of a minute
The rise…the fall

It will happen
One day
When one you trusted
Will turn and betray
You’ll feel like a sucker
Let yaself get played
But you’re not the one on the fade
The real fool in the room
Is the one who
Looses you

It’s not empty if you can help
Maybe it’s just with positive vibes
And wishes
Helpless
With intention and direction
Is not hopeless

Break my heart
Play me
Tear me apart
Twist me into spiral art
Better than the numbness
No passion
Icy cold against my will
Bring the flames
Relight the thrill

There is no way to play with fire
It can be used
But not played with
Fire wants to be a tool
Not a toy

It is like looking for small roaches in full
Ashtrays
Your hands are gonne get *****
But it will probably be worth it
And the stain washes off
Easily
With soap and water

I get closer
Every day

Sometimes there is only the long way
It’s a magic road that sets me back,
The second I take a shortcut
And the road is already impossibly long
It is worth going
If you are there
And if you are not
There have been sunny days
And enthralling breezes
It was worth going
Either way

The perfect poem exists
But not
It’s the one that jumps into your mind
When you don’t have the time
To commit it to permanency
And as much as you try to
Grasp at the vapors
It will forever remain a mystery
But isn’t that what perfect things are supposed to be?

I wonder if he would notice my absence
Whether by something
Inexplicable missing
Or
Would he recognize
What’s missing was me
Would he come looking
Or would he feel free?
I don’t have the will to test my theory
But I believe he would feel
The absence of me

What you see
Is only me
Standing here, singularly
Invisible to the naked eye
My ancestral team
Riding hard and riding high
The dirt you do may get past me
But I promise you, Boo
They will see

It was over
Their relationship hit the skids
Long before they got out of it
He was the one who finally vocalized
Tensely, concerned for her pride
He took the blame
And pretended to be in lots of pain
Crying and saying how sorry he was
But they have to admit they’re not in love
And so
On it goes
A couple of days
And then she shows
On his job sites
Front yard middle of the nights
Friends’ houses
Friends’ mommas’ houses
Bar he occasionally goes
If he was somewhere
She was likely to show
And he pretended she wasn’t there
While she sat in some corner chair
Seemingly extremely interested in the menu
Or a poor patron , to serve as her tool
Who just wanted an excuse to move his stool
And after a few months of this
He finally called and said “cut the ****”
But all she heard was the phone ring
And his voice on the other end
And now she’s telling everybody
“Can you believe he is still calling me!?”
And now he’s back at square one
Because she won’t accept he’s really done

I am an insignificant
Frail and faulted human being
So when it comes to questioning
The powers that be
It is extremely presumptuous of me
But I can’t help but wonder
When it comes to armpit and ***** hair
“**** it, Mother Nature;
Was that really necessary?”

Don’t choose me
If you have to choose
I’m going to be
With one
Who cannot help
But be
With me

I look at the door
Hopefully
Every time
A shadow appears

Awaiting your entrance
Breathlessly
Your appearance is
A sunrise to me
A more beautiful sight
I never did see

I’ve been well loved by many
But I’ve been well hated too
With the right smarmy attitude
The haters can bring the best out of you
Thank you to all those *******
Wishing sadness, talking ****
Without the motivation
To prove you wrong
I surely couldn’t have accomplished
Half of it

I am woefully unprepared for his charm
His undeniable masculinity
Surely got the better of me
When combined with his
Humility
And his ability
To be so in touch with his femininity
So naturally and comfortably
Such a rare and precious being
Who somehow doesn’t see
That he is out of my league
He insists we are equally
Lucky
To my face
And then tells his friends
He is luckier than me
Whichever one is luckier
Seems to be the main thing
Upon which we cannot agree

What she could have been thinking
I have no clue
Denying a beautiful man like you
Whatever her reasons
They must have been unavoidable
It would take a force of nature
To get me unglued
From a sensitive
Intelligent
Beautiful
Man like you
I cannot help but feel
That you have been kissing a fool

No direction
Cooperative weather
Nature’s broom
Coming through
Out with the old
In with the new
Windy days
Can be used by you
To send negativity away on the wind
Through intention
And believing that’s what
Mother Nature can do

Windy days
Mother Nature blowing the dust away
If you learn to let go
Of unwanted parts in your soul
You can blow it away on the wind
It is a “witchy” thing to do
And maybe it is magic,
But wind is magic, too
It is possible to blow away
Dusty parts of yourself
Psyche
Being
That need to go
If you know
There is such a thing
As Magic wind

He is not
Unaware
I am not
Impatient
I hoped for immediacy
But didn’t rely on silly dreams
For it to turn out to be
Working at it
Demonstrating myself worthy
If he would have seen
And felt the need
Too quickly
It wouldn’t have been right
It should take the effort
Of many nights
To make something so right
He is not unaware of me
But he’s unaware of who I really be
He’d be a fool to believe what he sees
Quickly
Through invisible words
And deeds
I am not impatient

You’re not not there
You got there long ago
But now your eyes have focused
Upon the horizon
There it is
Between you
And resistant distance
Not not achievable
You’re not trying to grow wings
But to grow your soul
Into undeniable
To even yourself
Evolve
Enhance
From “there.”
There is no rule
That one person cannot
Accomplish
Two impossible things
There is always
Not here

Can you feel what you haven’t discovered?
Do you hear the call of this unknown lover?  
Pulling your consciousness to me
With sheer will
And the intense strength of my desire
Can you perceive the warmth of this
Invisible fire?
Can you feel my wishes taking you higher?
I’m burning for your cool
Let me be your fool
I’ll never give up on you
And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
I wonder if you feel that, too

Anyone can find someone
When just anyone will do
But for some of us
There’s just one of us
Who can complete the one
To two
And for me
That one of us
Is you

I avoided you
Quietly
But you perceived
And became confused
And you felt insulted, too
You blamed me
For keeping my distance
And felt I was being unfair
You seemed to think I owed
You attention
Simply because I didn’t care
And the next thing I knew
You started to abuse
Calling names
Making up stories
Imagining I had hurt you
And the more I refused
To acknowledge your ruse
The angrier you got
In the imaginary war you fought
Between your ego
And the slight of being ignored
Such is the combatants
In many imaginary wars

I read your poetry
And pretend to myself
You’re writing for me
In my imagination
You and I could be
Something incredible
Though unlikely
But isn’t that the way
Of all of the best love stories?
They come out of the blue
An unbelievable fantasy
That somehow comes true
That could be
You and me
And as I write this
I wonder if you’ll see
And pretend it’s for you
Which of course, it will be
And you’ll be sitting there
Thinking how it’s unlikely
But isn’t that how
Most truths start out to be?
The possibility
Of you and me
Unlikely fantasy

I been through some ****
Soul crushing, unbelievable
“How the hell did you get through it?”
Type ****
But I did get through
Past and over
You won’t see or hear me
Use it as a sob story
Or a crutch
Or a “this is why I **** up so much”
I **** up plenty
Surely do
But each **** up is something new
Not because of damage to
My ego or psyche over what I’ve been through
All that made me stronger
Evolved courageous
Unstoppable baddass is me
No crying about what should have been
Or didn’t happen
Or how much better it used to be
It’s possible to go through lots of ****
And still wind up happy

I wear my desperation for him
On my sleeve
On my legs
On my chest
And all over me
I put up no illusions
Of how I hope it to be
Plenty of delusions
And nutty dreams
I carry with me
And show them to him
Honestly
I am the “crazy”  lady
He knows he can believe
Lusting for him
And writing him poetry