I can’t let go of what I never had
Except an illusion
Goodbye mirage of what it could be
I displayed to you the true me
And you glanced, maybe
Occasionally
But pretended you couldn’t see
I’m done displaying
But I am not yet free

I’m gonna have to pause and reflect
He obviously sees me with my neck
Chopping block ready
He’s holding the axe
And instead of giving it a good whack
He’s waiting for something
I don’t know what
Apparently for me to make my own cut
He’s got no plans to feed this chicken
And he ain’t gonna eat me, either
I’m just a self-teaser
Thinking the thoughts
Saying the words
Being ignored, instead of heard
It ain’t his fault
It’s all my own
I went to town
Like a clown
Wondering why he’s not coming around
Silly fool me
I showed up naked
For the costume party
And thought I could see
A really great guy maybe looking at me
Wondering if he could like what he sees
And deciding it’s not worth….

Any effort at all
He’s gonna let me run into that wall

On this journey with no end in sight
And I can’t figure out
Whether to turn left or turn right
Or turn back
On what may be a futile fight
Long, lonely night
Trying to see a little bit of light
With all of my might
I ain’t got the right
To ask you to help me take flight

I threw everything I had at you
Over and over
Relentlessly too
Ringing and ringing
You answer no call
I was playing catch
While you played dodgeball
I could think of it as a downfall
But really, I’ve lost nothing at all
You’ve lost nothing too
So the game is a tie
I thought we could win
But that’s maybe a lie
I told myself so I could almost see
Some ridiculous fantasy
You and me
Not meant to be
And maybe someday
I’ll be willing to see
And I’ll become
Some
Obscure footnote in your history
Apparently
What it was always meant to be

Is it fear
Of the fuzzy person
Trying to make herself clear?
Or perhaps disdain
Of the persistent poet
Putting worms in your brain
Or maybe complete disinterest
Like a forced exercise
When you want to rest
Or maybe it’s really funny to you
Watching some dummy play the fool
Because you are just that cool
To reach on in to your woman pool
And draw out something better
Than anything I could do
Are you waiting for me to disappear
Or somehow be more clear
I couldn’t have tried any harder
I’ve got only words
With which I can barter
But what good will it do
To speak lovingly to you
Through the internet
Far and near
When I’m trying to talk
To deaf ears

You owe me nothing
But why wouldn’t you
Drop some kinda word
Give this poor girl a clue
Is this just a game to you
Where you don’t have to play
And you make all the rules
Do I add up to only entertainment value
Or are you so out of touch
You haven’t a clue
That some crazy girl
Is pursuing you
Questions
Questions
No question marks
The lines are incomplete
Grammarless
Pointless
One grain of sugar
On what should be real sweet
Hopscotch board too far to jump
Some foolish chump
Needs a swift kick in the ****
I went to see Oscar the Grouch
And found ***** the Grump
I’m those ******* morons
Following Trump
Believing he wants to make things easy
At a low point in their lives
They stand there and kowtow and howl
While he throws out some paper towels
I’ve got no ******* and an overactive bowel
It just feels so pathetic and foul
That would be me
Chasing you so pathetically
Not even sure if you see
After all this heartfelt effort
You won’t even acknowledge me
Do you think I’m that lowly?
Or do you no longer even bother to see
The musing of some foolish girl
Who won’t go away
Or do you secretly want me to stay?
Maybe you’ll let me know someday

It doesn’t have to be
Between me and anybody
I got plenty of friends and family
And the water falls out of my tub faucet at the perfect speed
Whatever the thing between you and me
Maybe something, or nothing, or forever “we’ll see”
You’re not here
And I’m still complete
Maybe as much as I’m ever gonna be
But that’s OK; I’m happy with me
Completely incomplete
There is nothing from you that I need
It just seems
You could take me to my dreams
And who knows what that trip could do for you?
You might find out you’re dreaming too

How do you resist?
And why am I the only one feeling like this?  
The rumble in my soul
Inner magnet’s pull
Right down to my pit
Battery-less *******
Sitting on my ****
I don’t know what to do
With any of that ****
If you can’t feel it too
What’s a girl to do?
Focus on something new?  
It’s not the kind of thing I can force
But I’ve gotta fill it up somehow
Of course
Off course
For sure
Thorn and bramble
Quicksand, too
This ******* cursed course!  
Maybe it’s not something I can do
Tomorrow, and lots of tomorrows too
No end
Maybe
I suppose it all depends on me
How long does one walk to feel free?

The version of me
Tethered to you
Is artistic and funny
And hopeful, too
Something more and better
Than myself alone
Sort of almost going home
You bring out the magic in me
Bibbity boop and alicka zee
Your mojo and my magic
There’s no limit to what that could be

He’s ***** deep
In all of this
Losing sleep
Looking at me
That is what I want to see

I am the old lady
Stumbling down a dark, hard path
Telling myself there’s sunlight
And I’m frolicking in the grass
Gassed up grassed up
Ready to go
Fast or slow
Waiting to know
Which direction to go

It could potentially be
Something epic between you and me
Don’t you wanna see?

I am the perpetual optimist
Something right will come from this
Effort seemingly in vain
Something to remain
I didn’t lose
And neither did you

Bit into the hook
Tugged on the line
Lots of times
Sitting out in the sea
Stuck on a hook
Fisherman!
Reel me in
And either set me free
Or eat me!

I want you to have so many laughs
Sunny days
Health always
Intelligence to know when to pass and fade
So I can’t be butthurt
When you pass on me
You got your reasons
Seen lots of seasons
And know what’s worth folding on
Better hands, and the odds are long
I ain’t giving up
Yet
Holding on by the seat of my pants
Still working on acceptance
Halfway there, maybe
But can’t let it go
Baby
Wherever it’s gonna take me

Is this gonna never be
Or a maybe, let’s see?
Bring me in closer
Or set me free
Whatever it be is fine for me
And fine for you, too
You’ll see
It is a kindness to say
“I’m not going your way.”

What will I do
When I no longer lust after you?  
Am I supposed to find somebody new?
I’m sure it’s something I could do
If I had to

He doesn’t want to see me
Whatever his reason be
But there is no way
I can’t take it personally

One of us is coming up short
And it’s obviously me
I’m just having a hard time
Getting myself to agree

Sometimes, maybe
My soul looks beautiful to you
And you see
Your beauty reflected back
Through what you bring out of me
I’m gonna work for those sometimes
Vigorously
You insatiable well of inspiration
Allow me to give you back
The gifts you give to me

I don’t know if I’m a blessing disguised as a wreck
Or just a wreck
I haven’t figured myself out, yet

I want to bring you peace
But that may be unlikely
I’m not the quiet type
I’m chaotic and flippy
All over the place
Yet steady and fun
A little too trippy
But a fun break from reality
Never hurt anyone
When I know the way
Back to sanity
Maybe you could
Go to crazy with me
And there we might find
The peace we seek

I want to massage your ego
Get those knots out
Right down to your soul
I want to bring you peace
And ease
Cool beeeze
Baby
Let me tell you
How wonderful I think you be
And I ain’t no fool
So you should believe me
Worth all efforts
Time
Raw out open wounds
Ripped from my spine
Still feeling fine
To display it to you
One
Who is
One of a kind
Unscuffable shine
Too much to live up to
At this time
According to the one
Holding up the line
That one be
Not me

You gonna have to
Maybe
Come right out and say
Some day
When you feel a foundation laid
Almost sorta
Depending upon how much attention you paid
And how much you are afraid
I know you ain’t worried about getting played
The risky bet wants to know
Which way you gonna go?

Do you feel the maybes, why nots and what ifs?  
Are you anywhere near catching my drift?
Maybe I see
From my skewed point of view
Almost something from you

It could potentially be
The stuff of myth and mystery
But you’ve achieved that
Already
You’re in chill mode
And here comes an overload
Sustained, reckless, brash
To deliver a swift kick in the ***
Passing gas
Passing gas
Passing
Time
My Adonis
Bring it home
In rhythm and rhyme

Are you almost there
To that turn you need to take
To come my way
Are you on your way?
Maybe it’s right for you to say
If you’re heading in another way

What could it be
Slowly, slowly
Too slow
Maybe
Who knows
How it’s s’posed to be?
Not you
And definitely
Not me
Maybe we

I have no follow through
When it comes to denying myself of you
And vice versa, too
The desire to share
Myself
To you
More compulsion
If I’m being true
Not sure what a girl can do
Once she’s become an addict of you
In my veins and bloodstream
My waking thoughts and sleeping dreams
I am exactly as I seem
Hopelessly bound
Pitifully desperate broken wing moth
Open wound
Bleeding on your porch
Who needs a mess like that?  
Nobody but you
If you do
What you got
Inside of you?

Once upon a time
There was a queen
Of a land nobody’s ever seen
She sent out the brochures
Invited one, in particular
And one only
Whether he showed up
Still remains to be seen

A glorious past
It’s certainly enough
To be great
And you don’t want to become what you
Hate
But I know in my heart you are better
Than that
Greater than a limit creator
Upon yourself
But all of us, too
You can’t be fresh and new
Get ova yaself, Boo
Youth fades
Wisdom  rains, reigns and reins
Don’t you got something else to say?

It’s not nothing to me
Who knows what you see
Or don’t
It must be a pull of some sort
Felt in the tide
Whether you pay attention
Or not
I probably lie
Imagine you see
All this poetry
And it makes you feel
So ******* ****
You muthafuckin’
Beast

Strangers in a crowd
Eyes to smiles
What if?
Or best if not
Not a nothing
Between strangers in a crowd

I don’t want to get all dramatic
And call it an ache
But it’s not not an ache
Either
I don’t think you feel it
With me in your mind
But I might be in your soul
We’re not not soulmates
Maybe one day we will be not soulmates
But we will be good friends
Then

It would take acknowledgment
Whether it came
Or whether it went
Something sure must be sent
But not yet
Maybe
Never

You were privileged
By me
When I wrote you all that poetry
And you
Foolishly
Pretended you couldn’t see
Is that spitting in the face
Of all poetry
Or did you only spit at me?  
You got your own story
That I bet you probably
Almost believe

My journey is heading in your direction
A life still under construction
When I finally get to you
Bringing everything I’ve been through
Will I be so black and blue
That I appear too damaged to you?  
In the big scheme of things
It doesn’t matter what you see
The only opinion that matters
Is the one I have of me
And I’ll keep evolving in my head
Maybe even after I’m dead
It may be we’ll never meet
But you’ve still had an effect on me

It’s not as dramatic as I make it sound
I’m not broken, or damaged, or bound
I was hoping he would come around
But he didn’t
And that’s ok
I am still happy
His reaction
(Or lack of it)
Honestly
Has nothing to do with me
Or maybe it’s all my fault
But ultimately
I can accept finality
And though I should be bummed out
I feel kind of relieved
It’s better to know
One way, or the other
Than to delude in a pipe dream
I gave it my best try
One day
I’m gonna read this poetry
And think
“Who was that guy?”

I’m not your one
It is, and has been clear and plain
To see
Everyone else probably saw it
Except me
It took me so long
To let go of a distorted dream
I’m not the one for you
So obviously
You’re not the one for me

I make demands
Follow through halfway
And wonder if it will be a win
On this one important thing
That means something
To me
Maybe too much
But not enough
To give it up

When I say it in the written word
I feel like I am being heard
Maybe not immediately
But at some point in history
The right one will listen to me
And the right time
It will be
For he or she
To hear whatever words from me
And apply them to the life of thee
This is probably
The entire point of poetry
At least, for me

Are you aware of what’s not there?

I am the harmless nutcase
Sweating over you
Almost obsessively
To a high degree
Which really means
A LOT     AND MORE
But you’re the one I’m doing it for
It’s a mind game on me
And maybe on you
Potentially
And knowing this
It’s something I still do
It is exploitation
Really
To use you permisionlessly
I’ve said this before
And continue
Knowingly
Exploiting you
To the benefit of me
Uncredited inspiration
I plagiarize your spirit
Using it
Pretending I know it
Taking liberties
Telling myself some ******* story
You would feel flattered by me
Justification factory
But I’m not hurting anybody
And if anyone asked
I’d credit thee
The perfect muse for a nutcase like me

He’s out of my league
By a hundred and twenty degrees
And all that really means
Is I can say my heart’s truth
Consequence free
I’m a perpetual youth
Holding a “Tiger Beat” magazine
Constant centerfold is he
Photographs speaking to me
Silently

You witnessed it all
Til it turned to smoke
All the effort
Nothing gained
Lost is hope and confidence
Only the ashes remain
Along with the sooty stain
I know I have no right to complain
But still, I do so, anyway
All the liberties I take
You gave me none
For goodness sake

I write him poetry
Collecting moments
Feelings, musings
Existing once in my mind
And now in my words
Forever together
Words
He and me
Entwined
Via poetry
What that man creates in me
I put out
Universally
Through the art of poetry
And thus
He and I
Will always be
Encapsulated in the free
The oxymoron of poetry

I have set my limit
Given my conditions
And now I must live with it

How long does one have to boycott
The one they can’t stay away from?  
Is there some magic time limit
That will make him notice I’m gone?  
Or even that I was ever there?  
I had to try something different
To get somewhere
Out or in
Attention either way
Boot me out on my ***
Or tell me you want me to stay
His apathy
Painful to me
I suppose it’s really the boot
But I refuse to see his kicking foot
And knowing it’s happening does no good
I justify, give him excuses
And write all these poems
With the boos and the hooses
And hope at some point he chooses
To see me
And give me a shot
Or set me free
He’s not the only somebody
On this entire Earth for me
I know this, rationally
But he’s the only one I see
So I write him poetry
Which I no longer share with he
My art is inconsequential to him
Aching to me
I can’t seem to win
Unfortunately

If I wasn’t angry
I’d be wishing you a happy birthday
But since I’ve got an attitude
With you
(For good reason, too)
I will not be wishing you a happy birthday
This is not me hoping you’re having a
Wonderful day
Lots of joy and happiness all in your way
I didn’t come here to say
I hope you have a happy birthday
In fact
I forgot all about it
What day is it today?
Probably not your birthday
Which is why I am not here
Shhhhhh
That wasn’t even me

As I am left here
To make up my own explanation
I’m gonna say it’s because of fear
He avoided intensity
And all those big emotions that came from me
He wanted to
But just couldn’t pull it through
It was nothing I did
Or didn’t do
It’s not a rejection
It is a lesson
On humility
And still loving someone
When they have no feelings for me
He never pretended
Or fronted or lied
He kept everything inside
And my interpretation of what it could maybe be
Falls on me
And only me
And we will see
What I can be
Now that I am free
But not really
I’m still the fool who’s writing about him
In my poetry