This is me
Desperately
Writing him poetry
He will never see
Apparently
There’s no magic button
To set me free
From he
So I still write him poetry
Maybe foolishly
But not really
These poems are actually
Written for me

If one repeatedly attempts Plan A
Ineffectively
Does it
At some point
Ever become Plan B?  
Or even Plan Z?
How many times
Can an attempt bomb
Before the planner accepts
She was wrong all along?
Time invested
Ego too
All sorts of excuses
She went through
Bargaining, flirting, and pleading too
She tried everything she could possibly do
Still, that girl just came up short
Even after she put in so much work
It was destined to fail from the start
Anyway
Maybe she will accept that one day

I ain’t got any poems in me today
I been hooting and hollering
So much to say
Received by deaf ears
Although that is unclear
Maybe he’s listening
And pretending not to hear
From my vantage point
I’m standing over a cavern
Screaming out
Incessantly
And even my echo is ignoring me
Tomorrow, probably
I’ll feel less hopelessly
But today
I don’t particularly like being me
Put this out for all to see
And I’m starting to feel them laughing at me
Tomorrow, maybe
I’ll feel differently
I hope so
But that’s only
The pilot light I must burn
When I’m feeling dark
And lonely and fried
Hope is sometimes
The only thing upon which I can rely

I keep acting like I want your attention
The truth is
It’s terrifying
I’m the moth who cannot resist the flame
And however I meet it
I will not be the same
I only have myself to blame
The journey of burney
I take willingly
Knowing it probably won’t end
EVER
For me
Maybe I can make myself believe
That’s how I really want it to be

What happens when a bored
Woman
Meets an irresistible Force
Does she, too, become irresistible?
Or does she give way
And step aside
To the inevitable tide
Following the irresistible Force  
She cannot step aside
Of course
Which only proves
The power of the force
Of course

This is me
Again
Offering the rare and exotic
Five million in a lifetime
Opportunity
To talk to me
By tomorrow
It’ll be five million and three

I could get all dramatic
And claim my heart is ablaze
Burning and twisting apart in all ways
I could talk about pretend pillow tears
Force you into the role I want you to play
Pledge undying loyalty for years and years
Guilt you into feeling some kinda way
But it ain’t my nature
To complain
In fact, though
My heart IS ablaze
Embers flying every which way
Smoke sometimes choke
And coughs up some soot
But mostly things feel pretty good
Whether you wouldn’t or whether you would

I’m gonna walk around like I own the place
He’s hanging on every word
In my state of mind
It don’t seem so absurd
And so what if I want to believe?
It isn’t hurting anybody
Except maybe me
We shall see

We don’t talk
About the sweet spot
But we know that it is there
Hit occasionally
Like an ****** through the air
He need put in no effort to ring my bell
It’s just a matter of being himself

And the banjo has come out of it’s case
Spectacular finger picking awaits
Orchestrated with the fates
Tales be told about it someday
This music is gonna stay

The girl I’m meant to be
Will be thanking me
For writing all this poetry

To me this looks like permission
“Run free in your poetry”
And throughout my history
No kinder words have been given
To me

As far as comfort zones go
I fluctuate between gagging on a hot dog
Or a cool breeze
Sometimes very hot
Depending upon
Which air I got

He offered more
Encouraged me to explore
He’s better than I was hoping for

It’s not going according to plan
It is better than
I couldn’t have hoped
When dream becomes reality
And reality even better be
Dream come true
With turbo boost
Hopefully
I still have doubts
In what I think I see
But that probably always happens
When looking at a fantasy

What do you feel
When you think of me?
Am I a responsibility?
You seem kind
Not the type of guy
Who wouldn’t take me seriously
Or play around with what you don’t mean
I know you have respect for me
But you give that to anybody
Which is probably why I feel so free
To leave my heart entrust to thee

The Gathering has thus begun
Signs are everywhere
Something magical
Created by faith
Is heavy in the air
It makes no difference
The majority
The poets have set up
The long game
So spectacularly
And in the end
It will be
The poet who tells the stories
So
We win
Already

I ain’t gonna be dramatic
I’m fine without you
I’m not dying
And I still smile
(A lot)
I need nothing from you
But I see what you can bring
And yearning stings
Just like need do

Am I taking pieces of you
For my own use
When I write you in my poetry?
And if I do
Do I at least
Leave a piece of me?
I feel like the lucky one
To have such a spectacular muse
But I ain’t no slouch
When  it comes to poetry
You got lucky
To be the muse
Of a pretty good poet
Like me
The spectacular muse
With the pretty good poet
There’s no telling what that could be
But it will be written
And thus
A part of our history

It is not a burn
Most of the time
It is a slow hollowing out
Emptying
Of matter and mass
Yet somehow it be heavier

This must be what awe feels like

I want to get under your skin
Infect your within
Shot of my witch’s brew
It might make you itch
Though
At first
Then thirst
You feel the spirit of me
Almost physically
Vibrationally
Thirst turns to burn
The pilot light
Is on
Fuel parasite
Maybe useful it be
We will see

I’ve invited myself in
To an imagination *******
Gonna get me sum
And give it my best
In the beautiful man fest
I’ve created just for me
Imaginarily
I go as far as it can
In every fantasy

Cheering and cheering
Til your lungs get sore
And you’re not even sure
Who you’re rooting for
Anymore

I’d be a better poet
If I thought like an adult
But maybe that’s
Just a lie I tell myself
Maybe I think just fine
And I’ll be a better poet
With practice and time

I have set myself free
Wondering if someone will come after me
It can’t be just anybody
He’s gotta be a special somebody
To me
Maybe he doesn’t exist
Or he’s someone from the past I missed
Lots find their one
I hope I am one of them
Who doesn’t have to wonder
About their someone
For all my days, until they’re done

My crazy is harmless
To everyone, but me
I don’t usually suffer
But I always bleed

The mind plays tricks
Says what it doesn’t mean
When it meant it at the time
Writers have to see their mind
One moment
Splayed out
Never to grow
Stuck in time
Snapshot of the mind

I’m not sorry about the things I said
Yet
But I will be
And that’s the closest you might ever get
To an apology

He’s there,
Somewhere
The one for me
It is certainly true
Whoever he be
Is gonna be a lot like you

Do I have your permission
To continue using you
As my muse?
It’s selfish of me
Maybe
To use you
Good and bad, too
My own ends
Nothing in it for you

I can’t blame him for avoiding a potential train wreck
Or staying far out of it’s way
Uninvolvement completely
Why cross rattling tracks
When you weren’t even going that way?

Small, wet, and
Buried
Trying hard to remember
I am a seed
Buried is where I need
To be

I am fully expecting you to
Shine your light through my cracks
Whether it be not by intent
Nor whim
Doesn’t make the light dim

Self sabotage
When it’s happening
Feels perfectly justified
Something inside
Gets fried
Maybe from too much pain
Pretending to feel sane
And having no right to complain
Brings about exhausted brain
Frustration, and even pain
Longing isn’t a happy place
Stepping and stepping every day
Yet no closer  to winning any race
No rewards
And this leads to self sabotage

I’m runnin’ this wagon off the road
Horses need to rest
Ya know
Been galloping full speed
As long as they could
And it didn’t do any good
The desert vast
I’m full of thirst
And off this endless road to nowhere
Can’t be any worse

I couldn’t have tried any harder
Put in heart and soul
Displayed and splayed out
Open, like a wound
Festered
Blistered
Splintered
And broke
You witnessed it all
Til it turned to smoke
All the effort
Nothing is gained
Lost is hope and confidence
Only the ashes remain
Along with the sooty stain
I know I have no right to complain
All the liberties I take
You gave me none
For goodness sake

It wasn’t ever gonna be
So I destroyed it purposely
That way I could make myself believe
The rejection came from me
Minds play games
Desperately
I wonder how long it will be
Until I stop writing him poetry

It was the direction
I was once heading
But now I’ve veered off course
Not sure where I’m going
But it can’t be any worse

It was my fault
Really
I tried to blame you
For pretending not to see
But I should have known
Your disinterest was a “no”
I had every reason to go
Just like I do now
Yet here I am
With five encores
And twelve final bows
As a means of explanation
To nobody else but me
Trying to understand
Why I held on so pitifully
I must have gotten something from it
It healed something to some degree
I chained myself to a dream
And now I call myself free
But here I still stay
Tethered to thee

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough
But we both know that’s not true
I suppose I could have tried longer
If I was stronger
But I am a spineless shrew
I can blame it on my invisibility
But I know you could hear me speak
I’ve got no excuse
And you’ve got plenty
But frankly, sir
It would have been easy
For you to just tell me to leave
It wasn’t your responsibility
We both know that to be true
But when you’re pretending
To be unaware
There’s no such thing as
True and fair

He sat back
And watched me burn
In his front row spot
All the time
Sipping his wine
Ignoring all the hot
The flames were so persistent
Consuming much my spirit
And though I screamed real loud
He pretended not to hear it
One day I will get my turn
With the one who will not let me burn

Endings aren’t happy at first
But after you’ve been through
What feels like the worst
Dark nights
And dark days, too
The sun will rise
And shine on you
The road had turned
Into a path
Smaller and smaller
Scooting on your ***
Covered in brambles
The plan is in shambles
And your flip broke away
From it’s flop
In bare feet you plod and trop
Still, you’re not gonna stop
Past the ending
Toward the new start
And this is the journey
With matters of the heart

What will I tell God
If He lets me in
To Heaven?
Should I apologize
For my worship of a mere man?
Confess all my sins
Which He already knows
Were they a part of His plan?  
And if that truth be
Shouldn’t He be apologizing
To me?

I stood there
Looking at him
Adoringly
For faaaaaaar toooooo looooong
And then caught a big attitude
With him
Because he didn’t tell me to leave

You owe me nothing
Not one thing
Or non thing
The void of what you gave me
The void I left behind
Apparently
We did each other in kind
And we both will be just fine
You before me
But I will get there
Sometime
Down the line
But that’s what I get
For pursuing the divine

What was it?
The last thing you said to me?
It doesn’t stick in my memory
I didn’t pay enough attention
Apparently
And isn’t that the crux
Of you and me?
If I heard you talking now
I would listen
Attentively

It’s not over
Though it should be
It may be finished for you
But it’s not over for me
For now
I sit back silently
Watching, wondering
What will be
It’s still a prison
Even after I set myself free
I’m locked in this cage
Mentally

My mistakes
Aplenty
Exist because of me
Behaving foolishly
Some I’ve managed to rectify
Most don’t have that possibility
Time will not reverse itself
And I cannot make it not a part of me
I have no defense for my stupidity
Living in the memory
Of those I’ve wronged
Including myself
This faulted, ugly mess
And so what if I confess
Years after it’s relevant
Maybe if I learn from it
A mistake is
Somehow
More innocent

I did learn a lesson
In case you were wondering
Not that it will bring you back around
Or change anything
The lesson learned
Is only applicable
To the rare situation
That happens to involve you
I think you mighta paid a price
For me to learn that lesson, too
Someday I may
Get the chance at thanking you