I tried writing you a birthday poem
(This is draft 22)
I put lots of heart and soul in
But none of them will do
I wish I had more skill
Better vocabulary
You deserve a masterpiece
To honor you perfectly
But instead
You get a poem from me
Happy birthday, Mister
I hope it’s filled with love
Overflowed with joy
And blessings from above
I wish for you perfect contentment
As sublime as you can be
I hope you find something you’ve been searching for
And it is completely free
I wish for you a day
Filled with blessings all along the way
Peace within your soul
Capture of some long-held goal
Knowledge of something
You’ve always wanted to know
Highest high achieved drug free
At least one moment where you say
FINALLY!  
I hope you hear a voice
You’ve been missing for a while
I hope the one you love the most
Gives you the biggest smile
I hope you stay up just late enough
To celebrate your favorite stuff
And when you’re ready to
You drift into a perfect sleep
And your favorite dream
Spends the night with you
I hope you have
Your happiest birthday
Boo

There is no pill
For
Draining will
After using every bit of skill
Still
Uphill
To some distant peak
I may or may not ever reach
And that’s me thinking optimistically
The logical part of me
Can clearly see
I am looking foolishly
Begging for attention from somebody
Who clearly isn’t interested in me
And this I need to force myself to see
So I can search for something I can achieve

You are the sunlight reflected upon moving water
Only an instant, you’re there
You are the moment the last leaf is falling
Leaving the tree completely bare
You are the tippity top block
Placed upon the pyramid
By a very proud little kid
You are the conveniently placed
Extra roll
Right on the back of the toilet bowl
You are the softest, greenest grass
In a jungle of concrete
You are the one I think about
When I’m falling off to sleep

I have to force myself to see
If now you are not ready for me
You’re never going to be

Silence can be harsh or gentle
And sometimes very loud

It hurts to be missing out on you
It hurts me that you’re missing out on me
Too
I did all I could do
I’m happy that it doesn’t hurt you
I wish for you
A new sun that’s blue
To bring joy and joy and joy to you

I would scream for you
I would hush up, too
I wish I knew
What to do
When being true
Is of no use

I have no grief over what never was
Or what I wished to be
There surely is something wonderful
Still in store for me

Poetry
Can be
A way to recreate
Reality
Or at least
***** about it
Incessantly

It’s not your responsibility
To get rid of me
I attached like a tick
******* from your Force  
Maybe making you sick
It could be better
But it could be worse
One thing is plainly clear
You don’t want to let me near
It is your right to do
And probably smart, too
And that’s the lie I will tell you
Whether or not I believe it’s true
That nothing’s the right thing to do

Whatever it wasn’t meant to be
Must be accepted by me
But I don’t want to be free
The door is wide open
And you encourage me to flee
I remain chained to thee
Whether or not you agree
I imprison you
Unwillingly
Within the bars of this poetry
A piece of you belongs to me
And I don’t know if I should
Be sorry

It’s not a process
I’m going through
Letting go of you
It’s more like a quest
To find the will to settle for less
An admission
To myself that I am the less
Isn’t easy to find
I guess

Is it easy to ignore
Or do you almost
Forget
It’s something you don’t want to know
Yet?
Or maybe never
Whatever, whether
I couldn’t have tried any better
Though it was unsuccessful
It was my pleasure

I wish I could know
What you know
Before it becomes what you knew
But wishing is the only thing
A helpless romantic can do

They can’t misquote what I don’t say
But I’m still gonna say it, anyway

I wish you didn’t
Look so beautiful
I wish your eyes didn’t speak to me
I wish the language didn’t
Sing so beautifully
I wish I could hear another’s song
And it sound as so supreme
I wish I could meet you
And you aren’t like you seem
I don’t want to care
I can’t make myself not
But that’s a lie I tell myself
To justify putting real life on the shelf
Sitting far off
Collecting dust
Never ever gets wound up

It ain’t what it used to be
It’s never been what it could
Hinged upon what almost would
It’s still good
Though

Mostly good

You’re probably right
That we’re not “right”
I’m not exactly the faithful type
I’ve been not good to a good man  
Now he’s a beloved friend
I’ve done *****
To every one of them
But they’d probably choose
To love me like that again
Maybe change a few
Moments
But I’d probably choose
To love them again
Too
I believe that’s a promise I can make to you
Mutual respect
Whether or not we see it through
It could last a week
What I see
And what I learn
It would be worth
The burn
If it ever got hot
And a true love ain’t what we got
What it be is still worthy
Even if it be not

If we spent time
Intimately
You and me
I’m gonna annoy you sometimes
And you’re gonna bug me
You know you’re not perfect
But do you know I know you’re not perfect?
It’s likely you believe
You’d have to live up to too much with me
I know I wouldn’t want somebody
Unable  to perceive
All the ****** up parts of me
Idolization turned disease
Maybe
I only know that it feels healthy to me
When my soul has dreams
I hope, to you
Healthy is how it seems
Too

I thought
“I wanna always trend at the top”
But if every one
Liked every thing
What worth would it be
If no matter what dumb thing I say
Everyone agreed?

It might take some time
Letting go
Maybe I’ll never be really gone
You play the same role
Whether I hold on
Or let go

I came at you
Naked and barefaced
And though you pretended not to see
I need to believe
You thought I was lovely
Maybe I’m done
Probably not
I’m doing it currently
It might always be
I share with you parts of me
Naked and barefaced
As I can be
You do not want to see
A bigger ****** for you
Than it is for me
You missing out on all that happy
Preemptively disgraced
Because you don’t want anyone else to see
You naked and barefaced

I go to you in my quiet time
When I settle my mind
I go to you frantically
I have been known to plead
I go to you to feel refreshed
I go to you to bleed
I go to you
To bring myself
Do you even want to see?

It doesn’t annoy me
When you say the grass is red
Instead of green
See things how ever you please
But why you gotta tell me?
I didn’t ask you
Or anybody
What kinda colors you see

Art is magic
I’ve often used it
Reliably
But you, sir
Possess immunity
To every wile I got on file
I’ve thrown
What I’ve known
As ignorantly
As what is known can be
No wonder
You don’t want to see
Silly me

I get that you ain’t “him”
If you were
You woulda already been
Still I’m drawn
Still I’m in

Dear sir
Yippie!!!  
We write to inform
You are a member of
The most exclusive club
Membership of a few
Only you
Can be
In this imaginary
Club with me
Myself, and I
We three and you
In this club of almost two
Until, the day
Yourself shows up
I hope he’s on his way

I have gotten myself
Into the delusion
Where apathy
Is indeterminate
Matters of the heart
Can make someone crazy
When a no
Perceived as maybe

If I were to go away
Would you wish I’d stayed?
It doesn’t matter, anyway
I’d come back, anyday

You are most beautiful at rest
Your face muscles saying “duh.”
No thinking involved
Instinctual
Behind those gorgeous eyes
There’s a soul
Dented and ***** and grown cold
Feeling old
ALWAYS on patrol
Unaware of a spare
Who made it her goal
Invitation to unknown

Maybe it’s nothing
Always has been
But whatever it is
I’d do it again

I’m not the nothing
But I ain’t the something
Either
What is that?
Not nothing and not something
Maybe that’s really everybody
All us nomethings
Wandering around
Aimlessly

I wish I knew
What to do

The hostility of the blank page
Is nothing compared to
The tyranny of
The blinking curser
Paper waits patiently
But that **** curser is mocking me!

It’s mostly likely
I’m gonna stay stuck
Far, FAR away from you
Some sort of magic been struck
And there seems to be nothing I can do
Can’t get any closer
No will to go away
Waiting
….
Waiting
For maybe one day
You tell me come nearer
Or set me free
To set my sights on another somebody
I can’t tell if it’s kindness
Or
Torture complete
That you don’t pay
Attention to me
Or maybe I’m the jerky one
Forcing my feelings on you
I wish you would give me a clue
But it is a lot to ask of you
Forcing rejection from a kind man
It makes me an ***
And a bully too
But I can’t really give an apology to you
On behaviors I will continue
Or maybe you like me hanging around
And this is the struggle
I hear when there is no sound
I stick to you
Without your permission
And it’s probably gonna get worse
My confusion within
On whether I’m a blessing or a curse

Acceptance
Unwept
For this loss
I’ve been prepped
Foolish on my part
To catch feelings within
Over a man I had no chance to win
But that’s how it happens
With heartly matters
Throw it into the wind
And see how it splatters
Sometimes it creates
A beautiful mess
I see a masterpiece
What  you perceive
I can’t venture a guess
In your rejection
I’ve found my own priceless-ness
Maybe it’s delusion
Perhaps it’s ego
But in this failed climb to you
I put it out there to show
And doing all that
Has helped me to grow
I am better than before
Whether you never know
Better and stronger, my dear
Wherever I happen to go from here

I see
It can’t be
Between
You and me
But that doesn’t mean
You shouldn’t  let me
Break off a piece
Please

He won’t go easy
He’ll try to scare you
Speak of the doom
Distort what’s true
Twisted version
Displayed for you
Point out potential ruin
Cause you to question your evry doin’
And all the others you should fear
Which astonishingly
That’s what you want to hear
And he promises to set you free
And then asks you to send him your money

You are not too good for me
But I think you know that already
You aren’t the type
To put yourself above another life
I’m just not your flavor
And that is your right
It’s not a silent commentary
Regarding what’s wrong with me
I just taste differently
Bittersweet
It’s hard to not take personally
But tang ain’t for everybody

Most of us are superheroes
Who haven’t yet found our
Secret identity

Acceptance
The process of letting go
Giving up
Which sounds so discouraging
But many gifts it can bring
When I’m holding on to the wrong thing

I am a wanderer
In my soul
Curse or blessing
It may be
Some people are steady
Not me
Yet
My Home is out there
Somewhere
I’ll bet
I just hope I find it
Before my time has set

Questions
I already know the answer to
Are hardest to ask

Too far
Sometimes
Looks a lot like
Not far enough
And you’re already half in there
When things get rough

You don’t owe me a thing
Which is what you offer
Awareness unacknowledged
(or however you spell that maddening ******* mind game helpless dull ache)
Best and utmost effort
I put forth
I couldn’t have tried any harder
I tried like a boss
And that is my win
Within
This loss

Into the void
Among the sea
Humans swimming
With the tide
Yet you and I follow the sun
Not the moon
I want to be a good witch
But it is that ball of fire that makes me
Swoon

All this burning I do for you
Brings you no heat or light
The useless things I do
With all my might
It is the shadow that I fight

The thing about you
I wish I knew
Are you content
Or are you intimidated
By your own sense of worth
Value
Which can never be properly viewed
By you

I wish to be seen
Ideally from you
But whatever
Wonderful man will do
He’s out there somewhere
He must be
The ever elusive
One for me

The things I almost say
Might be
The mountain I must climb
To arrive at my peak
Grit my teeth
And speak