The hostility of the blank page
Is nothing compared to
The tyranny of
The blinking curser
Paper waits patiently
But that **** curser is mocking me!

It’s mostly likely
I’m gonna stay stuck
Far, FAR away from you
Some sort of magic been struck
And there seems to be nothing I can do
Can’t get any closer
No will to go away
Waiting
….
Waiting
For maybe one day
You tell me come nearer
Or set me free
To set my sights on another somebody
I can’t tell if it’s kindness
Or
Torture complete
That you don’t pay
Attention to me
Or maybe I’m the jerky one
Forcing my feelings on you
I wish you would give me a clue
But it is a lot to ask of you
Forcing rejection from a kind man
It makes me an ***
And a bully too
But I can’t really give an apology to you
On behaviors I will continue
Or maybe you like me hanging around
And this is the struggle
I hear when there is no sound
I stick to you
Without your permission
And it’s probably gonna get worse
My confusion within
On whether I’m a blessing or a curse

Acceptance
Unwept
For this loss
I’ve been prepped
Foolish on my part
To catch feelings within
Over a man I had no chance to win
But that’s how it happens
With heartly matters
Throw it into the wind
And see how it splatters
Sometimes it creates
A beautiful mess
I see a masterpiece
What  you perceive
I can’t venture a guess
In your rejection
I’ve found my own priceless-ness
Maybe it’s delusion
Perhaps it’s ego
But in this failed climb to you
I put it out there to show
And doing all that
Has helped me to grow
I am better than before
Whether you never know
Better and stronger, my dear
Wherever I happen to go from here

I see
It can’t be
Between
You and me
But that doesn’t mean
You shouldn’t  let me
Break off a piece
Please

He won’t go easy
He’ll try to scare you
Speak of the doom
Distort what’s true
Twisted version
Displayed for you
Point out potential ruin
Cause you to question your evry doin’
And all the others you should fear
Which astonishingly
That’s what you want to hear
And he promises to set you free
And then asks you to send him your money

You are not too good for me
But I think you know that already
You aren’t the type
To put yourself above another life
I’m just not your flavor
And that is your right
It’s not a silent commentary
Regarding what’s wrong with me
I just taste differently
Bittersweet
It’s hard to not take personally
But tang ain’t for everybody

Most of us are superheroes
Who haven’t yet found our
Secret identity

Acceptance
The process of letting go
Giving up
Which sounds so discouraging
But many gifts it can bring
When I’m holding on to the wrong thing

I am a wanderer
In my soul
Curse or blessing
It may be
Some people are steady
Not me
Yet
My Home is out there
Somewhere
I’ll bet
I just hope I find it
Before my time has set

Questions
I already know the answer to
Are hardest to ask

Too far
Sometimes
Looks a lot like
Not far enough
And you’re already half in there
When things get rough

You don’t owe me a thing
Which is what you offer
Awareness unacknowledged
(or however you spell that maddening ******* mind game helpless dull ache)
Best and utmost effort
I put forth
I couldn’t have tried any harder
I tried like a boss
And that is my win
Within
This loss

Into the void
Among the sea
Humans swimming
With the tide
Yet you and I follow the sun
Not the moon
I want to be a good witch
But it is that ball of fire that makes me
Swoon

All this burning I do for you
Brings you no heat or light
The useless things I do
With all my might
It is the shadow that I fight

The thing about you
I wish I knew
Are you content
Or are you intimidated
By your own sense of worth
Value
Which can never be properly viewed
By you

I wish to be seen
Ideally from you
But whatever
Wonderful man will do
He’s out there somewhere
He must be
The ever elusive
One for me

The things I almost say
Might be
The mountain I must climb
To arrive at my peak
Grit my teeth
And speak

I want to shake your spirit
I want to rattle your demons
I want to get you caught out in the rain
I want to pinch your scars
So you can feel how numb they are
I want to bring your growing pains
And massage them out again
I want to be the storm before the calm
I want to set off every alarm
I want to make you want to run away
I want to be what makes you choose to stay
I want you anyway
Any **** way

I got some razzle
Zero dazzle
What am I supposed to do with that?

I listen to the wind
Talking to me
Tales of places it’s been
Cheeks flushed
Sails pushed in a clutch
Skirts hoisted unabashed
Jackets opened
Chests aflashed
Windy days artistry
Monet from the sea
Bringing life to the leaves

You call to me
Against your will
You do it still
I know you probably
Wish for me
Set both of us free
But that’s what I believe
When I don’t let myself dream

I’ve run out of songs
I think
New things to say
Don’t come my way
I am my own shrink
So I say what I say
And I ain’t got any special today
This won’t become a habit
Hopefully

I’m stuck on you
Against my will
Hostage to your neglect
The things we humans self inflict

Wat of if I loose my mind?
Sometimes?
Is that ok with u?
Can I be tru?  
My ugly too see
Numerously
When u look at me
Must be

There’s a saying about being on the wrong train
Get off at the first station
It says
But sometimes it’s best to
Just to see where the train goes
One never knows

If I disappeared
Who would it matter to?
Surely not you  
Brought it hard as I could
I thought I did real good
It’s an acceptable failure
For me
At least
The way I see

I don’t blame you
The distance you keep
I’d be doing it, too
I got a lotta **** wrong with me
And I haven’t a clue
What you see
From the distance you keep
And it could also be
That you see
Better than me
My blame could be
The dot in the distance
Focused perpetually
On a reluctant fantasy
Which any smart fantasy
Would be

Imperfection within myself
Present, surely
But you ain’t gonna make me see
When you say it meanly

If you were a bunny
You’d have the fluffiest, cottonest tail
If I needed to carry water
You’d be the pailiest pail
If I needed to cross the ocean
You’d be the windiest catching sail
If you were a day
You’d be the most breezy and sunniest
If you were a fried egg
Your yolk would be at the perfect runniest
If you were a lawn
You’d have the greenest, softest grass
If you were a dump
You’d have the cleanest trash
If you were a beach
Parking would always be free
If you were a plant
You’d be the tallest, most beautiful tree
If you were a mother
You’d be the ****** Mary
If you were a telescope
You’d reveal every sight in the universe to see
If you were a drug
There would be no side effects
If you were a journey
You’d be the Everest trek
If you were a drink
You’d be the purest water known
If you were a light
You’d be the shiniest one ever shone
If you were stairs
You’d be an escalator
But since you are you
You’re the greatest of the great
At what you do

All that **** wrong with you
Well, I see that too
What’s a girl supposed to do
When she sees the blue
And somehow
It’s the perfect hue

If I never caught up
Can I fall behind?
Staying just short of the line
Yet never running out of time
Perpetual loss normalized

Time disappears
The blurry becomes clear
The power of writing poetry
Almost immortality
As much as any human could be

Is it invisibility
If you can sometimes see
A shadow of me
Worse or better
I can’t say
Since you choose to look away
I suppose I’m still happy
That someone might see
And they feel me
Inspirationally
I describe
What they feel
If I was a toy
That would make me real

Tolerance
Doesn’t speak loud enough
It doesn’t defend itself
It simply exists
Quietly

I’m probably s’posed to write you something for Valentine’s
You are mines
Quirky as it be
It means something to me
As such I hope for you
A day spent with love so true
Whoever she be
Though not me
I hope today you see
True love
So completely

So how’s this Valentine stuff work
Must it be a mutual deal
Or can I claim you as my Valentine
If to you it isn’t real?
From afar, unbeknownst,
Someone sending love notes
Every single day
Obviously, whatever the time
You are my Valentine
I don’t have to be yours for you to be mine

Poetic justice
Time dismissed
Sometimes it happens
A century after
One’s written it
Is that still justice?

I recognize the alchemy
Of the unseen
It exists independently
Connection clean
Or *****
Who knows
What it be
Nobody
Unless we see
Maybe it’s only me
Who needs to see
In which case I apologize
Profusely

Rejection is a kindness
Sometimes
Chasing after someone so fine
He doesn’t allow false hopes
Weighing upon my mind
If he is kind
Dangling  ‘pon invisible ropes
Is really my own
Responsibility
He doesn’t owe rejection to me
And it’s not as if I want to be free
I gotta want after somebody
And if it must be
Ain’t nobody better than he
As far as I can see
I see almost perfectly
With my whole body
He is kind
The **** is me
That must be
According to what I see
But still, I feel
He is not kind to me
I accept I’m probably
Thinking narcissistically
Part of me
He can see
Easier than me
Why we do not be
I accept realistically
And I am actually free
To chase after anybody
It so happens to be
He

It must be an ugly side
I display
How can I not
When I display so openly
Of course there is an ugly side
I cannot see
Glaring obviously
To everyone
But me
I been kicked around
Occasionally
Some of those bruises never leave
Become invisible to me
Eventually

I am the for whom
The bell tolls today
I am a toll worthy lady
More than today
For me
The bell tolls frequently
Bells must have the ability
To toll silently
Obviously
Bells are deaf
Not me

Sitting within myself
Belief in my wholeness
Bringing my light
Letting it shine
Most of the time
There’s no way to escape
Uncertainty
Occasionally
But that is not me
I have a powerful destiny
Maybe through this poetry
And maybe after I no longer be
These poems might still speak for me

It’s not personal
You’ve got your reasons
Nothing to do with me
I don’t need to know why
There is no how
Here and now
It wasn’t even a season
Nonexistence
Can’t reasonably be missed
Can it?  
And who cares, anyway?
Unreasonable feelings are just as strong
Unjustifiably
Unknowing of you and me
Feel like it cuts so deeply
Itches unscratched
Eventually go away
Someday

Do I owe an explanation
If I disappear
Ghosting the ghost
Who never did hear
What good is a dramatic exit
Of an empty room
No doors to slam
No wheels to burn rubber
All this flim flam
Forever undiscovered
Time
Effort
Heart on a sleeve
Wasted speech as I leave
Empty

I miss the beautiful parts of you
Tender moments
And fresh air breaths
But you’ve got ugly parts, too
Angry, mean, and lots of mess
I can’t have one without the other
It’s just who you are
Uglier than beautiful
Unkind words bashing
In my skull
Pushing away against the pull
You can’t be what you are not
And I cannot be blind
I refuse to go through
Thickets of ugliness
To find a tiny field of kind

All the effort I put in
But he don’t owe me anything
This must mean I’m not a stalker
I’m just an over-talker
My crazy is kept mostly at bay
But that’s probably something
All stalkers say

Poetry is honesty
Dipped in
Chocolate
Or poo
Depending on the poet’s mood

Is it passion
Or insanity
Are the two
Really one
And the same
Separated by success
Insanity if you lose the game
And passion if you win
Even if you’re obsessed
Encouraged and egged on
Making money
There’s no need to rest
Try your best
They say
But that’s really a lie
Depending upon what you try
Some are the best alcoholics
You ever did see
The drinker feels very passionate
About his insanity
Some are the best in business
That means they’ve achieved
Permissible insanity
They call passion
But really
It’s all the same to me

I have no idea
Which ideas you have
Nor do I want to hear
(****, man!  Nothing rhymes with have)
And this is relevant to me and you
We do not rhyme
And you must know that to be true

Failure is certainly an option
In fact, it’s probably how it will be
If I ever admit
I’ll no longer compete
As long as I keep trying
I haven’t really lost
And so
Here I am
Not winning like a boss